Using You to Hold Me

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A/N: Here's my first NANA fanfic! Really, it's more of a drabble than anything...Anyways, R&R, if you like it!

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"But maybe it's more like...I'm the one using Takumi...as someone convenient to hold me when I'm lonely."

Yazawa, Ai. "Nana." Shojo Beat June 2007: 197.

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For just how long had she been a Takumi fan? She couldn't even remember. The answer was, most likely, that she had been a Takumi fan ever since she first heard Trapnest play. Which, of course, brought into question whether or not she actually felt anything towards him or if, as she was beginning to achingly suspect, she was just with him because he was Takumi and this was supposed to be what she wanted. Except that it wasn't. Was it?

She thought back to when she first heard of Trapnest. What had been so appealing about him then? He had seemed genuinely nice, like a...well, like a misunderstood musician. He wasn't a misunderstood musician; she was the one who was misunderstood. That was why she was with Takumi. Nobu wasn't Takumi. He thought that she was sweet and innocent and gentle. She was none of these things. She was greedy; she wanted to be a part of the shining light that emanated from Blast. She wanted to be a part of that magic. But she couldn't. So she did the next best thing: she stole some of Trapnest's spotlight through Takumi. Nobu thought...who knew what he thought?

She was with Takumi now. Wasn't that what she wanted? That was what she had wanted. But then, why did it feel so...not right? Why did she keep on wishing she was with Nobu instead?

Really, she was willing to admit to herself the truth--that she was merely using Takumi to feel better about herself. She didn't really know how to be alone, how to not be with someone. She needed another person to be with her so that she could feel good about herself. Nobu couldn't do that. Every time she looked at Nobu she could feel all the expectations he had of her. He expected her to be a sweetheart. She wasn't a sweetheart. She was a...she wasn't a good person.

She turned and looked at Takumi, sleeping in the bed still. She could never be with Nobu; she wasn't good enough. He deserved someone who was sweet and kind. Someone who could take care of herself and him at the same time. Someone who could be unselfish. She was none of these things. She was cold and selfish and needed to be held whenever she wanted to be. That was why she was with Takumi. He understood her. He understood using someone merely for the warmth they provided in bed. He understood needing to have something the moment it was wanted. How could she ever possibly hope to be good enough for Nobu? He was too kind.

She turned and looked at herself in the mirror and at the reflection it provided of her sleeping companion, her consort. It didn't matter how long she had been a Takumi fan for. Only why. She was a Takumi fan because she could use him without feeling guilty.