Title: Wishing I could tell him…
Author: Amber
Beta: Oli

Rating: G
Type: FPS, AU

Characters: Elladan
Warning: Character death.
Disclaimer: Elladan and others belong to Tolkien, I am just borrowing them.
Timeline: Fourth age 113 years after the ring bearers have sailed.
Notes: Inspired by Mike and the Mechanics "In the Living Years"
Summary: Reminiscing about the past and how things could have gone better.

Elladan sat on a bench outside the door of his house and watched the children playing in the yard. That was all that his family let him do nowadays. They considered him very old and weak not knowing that his strength had actually only diminished a little over the years. While his hair was turning grey, he still held the fairness of the Eldar within him. Only when he chose to lay down and accept the gift of the second born would his end come. But that time was soon, very soon. His foster brother Estel was gone now having taken the gift last fall. Arwen had chosen to lie down and follow him this spring. His grandfather had written telling him of watching her final moments and how hard it had been for her. He hoped that when his time came it was easier. He knew it would be, he was ready to go. All who he once knew were gone now with his grandfather, having sailed with those who had remained, a month after Arwen had gone. It was time.

It pained him to even think about his brother who had surprised him and chosen to be counted among the firstborn, like their father. He had been so sure that Elrohir would not leave him that he had ignored all the signs of his wishes until after he had declared his own choice. The fight that had ensued had shocked all present and was broken up only when their grandfather had stepped in and pointed out that since the choices were made and irreversible it was pointless to continue. Elrohir had stayed by my side until the changes in me became too much for him to bear. He had sailed with our grandfather sending only a letter for goodbye. As I think back now I cannot blame him and in many ways envy him his courage, for I do not think all will be as well in the West as he thinks it will be.

As his son's wife called the children into the house to clean up for bed he accepted the children's kisses. Grasping his daughter-in-law's hand and kissing it, he remained on the bench and watched the sun sinking below the clouds. As he stared at the setting sun he remembered another time and place and the consequences that resulted.

Elladan stared at the pile of burning orc carcasses as his brother tended to the horses and their weapons. He hated being here amongst this filth and desolation. He and his brother had cleaned out another orc den in the mountains just like the one they had found their mother in. But it was just one of many they had cleared since that fateful day. If only his father had cared enough to do his job and protect their mother they wouldn't be here. He and his brother could be enjoying the warmth of the home fires and not the misery of this cold rain and smelly cave. If his father had done his job and seen that the ring had been destroyed the first time none of this would have happened. He would not be here losing all hope in life, and the gift of man would not be appealing to him as he sank down into despair.

He and his father had argued many times since his mother had left. He was always blaming his father, and his father did not understanding why. They were caught in two different worlds that could not understand or meet. They had digressed to stilted hellos and goodbyes, finally understanding that the other would not accept what was said. Neither of them had found a way to go beyond the blame and hurt. Poor Elrohir was caught in the middle but kept his own council close. Any time spent at home was brief and his actions closely monitored.

His father had finally resorted to leaving him letters but most he did not even open. Why read the words of someone who only saw everything his way. What did he know of the loss Elladan felt. Elrohir had taken to reading the letters whenever he could get his hands on them. Father must have noticed for soon he was leaving letters for my brother in the short times we were home. I tell him not to be swayed by fancy words to excuse father's behavior but I do not know if he listens.

We are running out of supplies again. I want to spend the winter in the Ranger camp where I will not have to put up with the arguments and questions. There I am accepted as I am, and not reprimanded for what they want me to be. Elrohir wants to go to Imladris, home as he called it. He does not understand that I no longer consider it that way. I am more comfortable around the Rangers who do not ask for more than my help. I will probably give in and go to Imladris to keep him happy. He is all that is left to me now that Arwen has gone to live with our grandparents.

Well, the ring has been found. Father's grand mistake is coming back to haunt all of us. Elrohir and I do what we can against the orc herds but it is a loosing battle. We ran into Legolas on his way to Imladris. He told us of the council called to decide the fate of Middle-Earth. Let's hope father can do better this time. We are returning so that we can find out where we will do the most good. If our foster brother is to stand a chance of surviving and gaining his throne, and therefore our sister's hand, he will need our help.

Father still tries to persuade Arwen to sail. He can't seem to accept that it is not his wishes that count now. She loves Estel, he should let them be. To set conditions on whether or not he can have her was wrong of father. It is her choice not his. And now that he senses that his time here is ending, he is dropping subtle hints about the way he wants us to choose. Why can't he understand what I do, that uncle Elros was right.

It is only lately, as I watch the children play in the evenings that I have come to understand my father. As I look back I begin to see that he was not to blame for what happened to my mother. In truth I have known this for years but refused to acknowledge the truth to myself. It was easier to accept blaming him. As I became a father myself and experienced the feelings involved, I have come to understand how much my father sacrificed for my siblings and me. In many ways, his keeping the hurts and responsibilities of life from us for so long handicapped us. His life was so traumatic that he ensured that ours was easy. In doing so he didn't prepare us for the hardships that we ultimately endured. He meant well but it backfired and caused him additional pain in the end.

I am glad that my brother saw the truth in time and learned to deal with it when he did. As much as I miss him and would like to have him by my side as I take my final journey, I am glad that he sailed and that father is not alone. I wish there was some way for me to tell my father that he was right all along, or that at least I understand and am sorry for all the grief I caused him. I tried to see him and make some sort of peace with him before he sailed but I didn't arrive in time. The ship was already passing out of the bay when we arrived on the quay. I will never forget the look of disappointment in my grandfather's eyes when he saw us. He didn't have to say anything, it was all there in his eyes.

If there were some way to send a letter I would but even that option has bypassed me now. I can only hope that at the end, the breaking for the world, we will be reunited and I can tell him then. I think it is time to go now. All is quiet and at peace. There will be no better time.

Later, when the children were in bed, Elladan's son came to the call his father. It was time to retire for the night. As he looked at his father's face he knew that his father was gone but that he had found the peace he constantly looked for.