I've not done Discworld fan-fiction in a long, long time. Years. Hell, I think my one surviving piece on here is on something like page 25 of 30. So excuse me if I'm a wee bit out of practise.
This is a one-shot, no continuation planned and no, y'know, real actual plot, just an idea I found mildly amusing.
While you wait
"Bugger,"
said Sally.
"Yes,"
agreed Angua. "That pretty much sums things up."
The two
shades stared down at their bodies. Or, more correctly, Angua's
body and Sally's pile of dust.
"That
could have gone a lot better. Run it by me again?"
Angua sat
down on the floor. Her shade was human formed, though the body
sprawled on the floor was not. The human form was the habit of a
lifetime, and, apparently, more than a lifetime. She sighed and began
recounting the events leading up to the current sad state of affairs.
"We
tailed the thieves down Twinkle Street and into the Shades. Lost them
for a bit by Sweetheart Lane, I went and changed, had a sniff around
and picked the scent up again. We back them into this warehouse and
you are about to the make the arrest when he slams on that great big
salamander lamp, you take the opportunity to crumble to dust and I
can't see a damned thing, while the overwhelming stench of panicked
vampire means I can't smell the bastard behind the lamp cocking his
crossbow and shooting at me. I lie bleeding to death and he gets away
with his mates." She stopped to sigh. "At least they didn't have the forethought to use a
silver tipped arrow. Mister Vimes is going to go absolutely bloody spare."
"Ah.
Yes," said Sally, after digesting the information. "I think
I can see where things went wrong."
"Oh
good. We'll make a copper of you yet. I thought you carried
the kit anyway?"
"Oh,
yes." Sally's spirit looked embarrassed. "Only you know how
Washpot's always waving about those pamphlets of his? I guess he
didn't realise they might have a similar effect on me as holy
symbols..."
Angua
covered her eyes with a semi-transparent hand. "Oh gods. And
you forgot to get a refill?" she hazarded.
"Yeah.
Sorry sergeant."
Angua sighed. "Well at least you've
probably given Mister Vimes that excuse he's always wanted for
banning religious propaganda from the Watch House."
COULD I
OFFER YOU LADIES A DRINK WHILE YOU WAIT?
Angua
turned to the robed figure that had appeared between them. She didn't
have to ask who it was. The scythe was a bit of a giveaway.
"If
you're going to make some awful pun about sprits then I swear,
bony anthropomorphic personification or not, I will bite you."
She was not in the mood for this.
ACTUALLY I
WAS GOING TO SUGGEST TEA, BUT I CAN ATTEMPT A PUN IF YOU WISH.
"I meant
it."
"You
don't normally turn up for this sort of thing, do you?" asked
Sally hurriedly. "I mean, I must have crumbled a dozen times since being in
this city and you never showed up before."
OH, IT'S
ALL ABOUT GIVING THE SERVICE A FRIENDLIER IMAGE.
"Excuse
me? You're Death. The ultimate reality! You're not meant
to be friendly. It's not like going to the hairdressers and getting
the coffee and mindless gossip thrown in free," said Angua.
Death
managed to look uncomfortable, insofar as a being with a face fixed
in a permanently toothy grin can. I'VE BEEN TOLD I SHOULD TRY TO BE
MORE OF A PEOPLE PERSON.
This was
met with two politely blank stares.
"And
what does that entail?" asked Sally, at last.
LOOK, I
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S MEANT TO MEAN EITHER. IT'S NOT LIKE I MAKE
THESE THINGS UP ON MY OWN.
Sally
coughed politely. "Well, thanks all the same but I think we'd
rather have that tea when we're back in our bodies."
Death
would have sniffed indignantly, if he had a nose. SUIT YOURSELVES, he
said, and faded into the background.
"I worry
about him, you know," said Sally, staring at the point previously
occupied by Death.
"Why?
He's Death. And if you think he's odd, go and talk to his
granddaughter some day. Every time I think my family is weird, I
reassure myself that at least my grandfather just collected hunting
trophies, not souls."
"Death has a granddaughter?"
"Yes.
Drinks in Biers sometimes."
Sally
thought about this, and then decided that she really didn't
want to. She twiddled her thumbs.
"So!"
she said, brightly. "How long do you think we'll have to wait?"
"Only
until moonrise for me. Assuming we're not found first."
"Well
that's not likely. No-one knows exactly where we are and
the only ones capable of tracking us are, in fact, us…"
"Exactly."
Sally
twiddled her thumbs some more.
Angua was
not hugely annoyed about being dead, at least temporarily so. She was
far more annoyed that it was Sally she was spending her time
in limbo with. Sally, of all people. She wondered idly if one
spirit could strangle another, because if Sally tried to make
conversation again she was going to put it to the test.
"You
know…" Sally said slowly. Angua bared her teeth. Sally continued;
"There's a slight tilt to the floor in here."
"So?"
growled Angua.
Sally
grinned. "So-o. Your body bled quite a bit and it's all sort of
oozing along down the slope..." She left the sentence unfinished,
letting Angua work out what she was getting at.
"Oh no."
Angua covered her eyes again. This was not fair!
"Looks
like I'll be up before moonrise after all!" Sally clapped her
hands and rubbed them together, looking far too pleased with herself.
She resumed her usual meek expression when she saw the look on
Angua's face. "Trust me, I'm no happier about this than you
are; do you have any idea how bad werewolf blood tastes? I
mean, I know you guys think we smell bad, but your blood is
absolutely gross."
"Thanks,
that really comforts me Sally," said Angua. She was never going to
be allowed to forget this. Her blood restoring a damned vampire.
The
trickle of blood was edging closer and closer to the sad pile of ash.
Sally was watching it like a cat considering breakfast. Angua
remained (rather sulkily, thought Sally) silent.
Finally
Sally leapt up. "Want me to carry you back to the watch house?"
she asked, as the blood oozed within a few millimetres of her
remains.
"Over
my-" Angua stopped, realising that actually, yes, this was
over her dead body. "Just get Carrot," she growled. "He knows
what to do."
"Right-o.
I'll put the kettle on for you, shall I?"
Angua
couldn't answer, as the blood touched the ash, and Sally
disappeared from the shadowy half world of the spirits. The pile of
dust plumed upwards into Sally's shape. She sniffed her arm,
grimaced, then grinned at the spot where she remembered Angua's
shade standing. She retrieved Angua's emergency bag and donned the
shift she found there.
"Sorry, just borrowing it, you know how it
is," she said to the lifeless room, and then ran out of the
warehouse.
Angua made a rude sign at her retreating back.
----
Some time later, once the moon had risen, Angua woke up, in her body once again, in an otherwise bare room at Pseudopolis Yard. Had she been in human form, she would have groaned. Since she wasn't she let out an unenthusiastic wolfy grunt. She changed and stretched, easing the stiffness from her limbs. She considered that not many people had to massage the rigor mortis out of their legs before getting up. Except possibly Reg Shoe and his Zombie brethren. And Vampires maybe. And... All right, so it might be a surprisingly large number of people/creatures/miscellaneous beings that did but it was still a small number in comparison to the ones who didn't have to deal with such things.
There was
a polite knock on the door. Angua hurriedly threw on the shirt and
trousers that had been considerately left for her.
"Come
in," she called, as she tucked the shirt in. Carrot entered.
"Are you
feeling better?" he asked, as if she had just recovered from a cold
rather than risen from the dead.
"I've
had better days. Bit stiff."
"I'm
sure that'll wear off soon. Do you need anything?" asked Carrot.
Angua
thought for a moment. "There are two things I'd like," she
said.
"Sally
said you might like a cup of tea."
Angua
grimaced. "Yes, she probably did. And the second thing I'd
like, is to strangle that damned vampire."
"Mister
Vimes frowns upon violence between watchmen, Angua."
"Oh, I don't know. I
think he might smile a little bit in this case."