A/N: You wouldn't believe me if I told you how many different times I wrote this chapter trying to find the right feel, so I'm just not going to tell you. :) Anyway, I'm not quite sure why I even decided to include this chapter; it's kind of weird, and I'm self-conscious about posting it since it includes material I never really thought I'd ever try to write, but I decided to anyway, because I trust you all to not make me feel bad about including it. :) It's almost like more characterization for what happens when things actually go right, portrayed with fluff, which of course, never hurts anyone. :) So, that being said, just be a little gentler when you review (not if – when you review!) and try your best to enjoy!

Music to listen to: Home & More Than This (both Vanessa Carlton), Extraordinary (Mandy Moore)

Lily

June 9th

Dear Diary,

Finally, the exams are over.

It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me, and I can just float up into the sky with nothing holding back to the earth. There's no more studying to do at night, no more worrying about real class-work anymore – the teachers are as relieved as the students are, since everything's done and they no longer have to worry. That means we get a few days of doing anything we want, which is a welcome break for me; I can be with Leila and James without having the looming shadow of studying hanging over me. Leila usually tells me that it was me who put the shadow on over myself, and that I could have lifted it whenever I wanted, but I think she's wrong; it was important to do what I did. I mean, I finished every exam with plenty of time to spare because I'd drilled all the knowledge into my head constantly for months; I think that it was a fair exchange. I probably did all right on those tests as well, which is even better – I almost never think that way.

Leila, on the other hand, did not dedicate time to studying; therefore, I was condemned to listening to her moan about how hard it all was.

"I didn't know any of that Potions one, Lil," she told me after the second day. "I really didn't. I think I got a D."

"You didn't," I said soothingly. "I know you did fine, Leils."

"I didn't," she said, her voice hollow. "My mum is going to kill me. You won't see me next year if I got anything lower than an Acceptable on everything."

I smirked. "No, you'll be okay. If not, I'll talk to your mum about it."

"Like that'll help," Leila moaned. "When you get your straight-O results, it'll make my mum even angrier that I can't follow in your footsteps."

I shake my head and put my arm around her shoulders. "You'll do fine. I promise."

She didn't believe me, of course, being Leila, but we left the conversation at that – we moved on to Leila's request to go outside and laze around by the lake, something we enjoy doing on days off. I happily went with her, and consequently fell asleep under our favorite beech tree; I honestly spend half of my time sleeping these days. It's such a blissful release for my body – it's been rebelling against all that I've been putting it through lately, and now that it's snatched up a break, I can't make myself do much besides sleep or do low-energy activities. Ah, well; in a few weeks, I'll be normal again – or as close to normal as I can be, anyway.

However, until then, I sleep and do little else.

James walks in on me sleeping in the common room quite often, unfortunately; he's so amused by the fact that I'm so tired – too amused. He'll wake me up gently, but I'll just cuddle back up and shut my eyes once more. I did that yesterday, and James rolled his eyes at me, completely aggravated.

"Lily, first all you did was study, and now all you do is sleep," he complained. "Will you please find something more interesting to do?"

I yawned and asked, "Like what?"

"Like…" he considered for a moment, but said, "Like getting up and talking to me."

"Fine." I sat up with a second yawn and said, "Talk."

James rolled his eyes. "Funny, Lil. Seriously – what's on your mind right now?"

"How tired I am."

He shook his head. "You've slept plenty."

"I'm catching up on months of sleep, James," I said. "I think I deserve some time off."

He didn't buy that; I was dragged off with him to see Remus and Sirius, who were outside, arguing about whether or not Remus should read for fun so soon after so many exams. I swear, those two argue more than Petunia and I ever did – I've wondered on more than one occasion how the hell they can even be friends with that much tension between them. I asked James about it, and he was as clueless to the reasoning behind it as I was, which made me feel a bit better. Either way, we amused ourselves for a little while by trying to convince them that opposing the other so loudly outside when there were so many people present was a bad idea, but they didn't listen – then Sirius got angry, gave up, and joined us for the rest of the day. James didn't mind it, but I did; Sirius's sense of humor was so strange that I couldn't keep track of it. The casual way with which he referred to sex and girls offended me as well, but James assured me that it was nothing new, which provided no comfort whatsoever. Sirius told me to suck it up, which I had to do after all, since the jokes and the comments kept coming out full flow.

Once most of the day had been wasted in random conversation with Sirius – who is a much more complex person than I would have predicted, a fact that I'm not sure to be awed by or confused by – and twilight began to fade into the beginnings of darkness, Sirius got up and said, "I'm going upstairs to crash a bit early; I think Kyleigh's waiting for me. Are you coming?"

I was about to say yes, but James beat me to answering. "Nah, we'll stay out a bit longer," he said. "See you later, Pads."

Sirius shrugged and walked back inside, and I was left with James by the lake. I looked curiously at him, befuddled by his decision to stay outside. "Why do you want to be out here so late?" I wanted to know.

"It's nice out," James explained. "I want to be out here. If you don't, that's fine – you can go in."

He knew perfectly well that I would only want to be somewhere where he was too, so it was pointless to say something like that, but I merely said, "All right, then. We'll be out here."

He smiled. "I thought you'd say something like that." With a small smirk, he puts his hands on my waist and pulls me in towards him. I giggled and wrapped my arms around his neck and sat in his lap, and he said, "I love you, Lily Evans."

I snuggled into him, my head on his shoulder, and responded, "I love you too. Way too much, really."

"We share that in common." He played with a strand of my hair yet again as he said that. "It's kind of unhealthy for me to care so much about you. We're only sixteen."

"I know that feeling," I said, something wistful in my voice somehow. "But at the same time, I like being with you this young. I'll have more time with you that way."

"Yeah, you're right." He swooped down and kissed me. "I like thinking about that – just you and me for years and years, growing old together…unless, of course, we decide to raise a family."

"I'd want a son and a daughter," I said. "A family of four; the Potters." I grinned at the thought.

"What would you name them?" James asked me.

"If I got a boy, I would want his name to be Harry," I told him. "It means 'army ruler,' and I would want my kid to be tough; I'd want him to be the leader I always wished I was."

"I like that," he said. "But if it was a girl, I'd want her name to be Jasmine."

"Why Jasmine?" I inquired.

"My wife's name would be Lily, so why couldn't my daughter's name be Jasmine?" He chuckled. "I have a thing for red-haired girls named after plants."

I smacked his arm, but rested my cheek on his collarbone, letting its heat of his skin seep beneath my own and warm my very soul. "You're absurd."

"Maybe." He curled up a little more by the tree, his arms still protectively holding me in. "But that's just how it is, my flower."

I sighed as I looked out to the sky; it was moony tonight, I suddenly realized, and the sky was growing to be a satiny, sapphire blue – my favorite. A few early stars twinkled overhead like wise, luminous witnesses to our night outside. The mood was perfect, and when I looked into James's eyes, I knew he was thinking the same thing. He smiled and whispered in my ear, "Glad I made you stay out here?"

"Of course." I smiled back at him and said softly, "I love you." Generally speaking, I tell him that every single day several times an hour, but I still love the tingle on my lips when those words fall easily out of my mouth. They just feel so right. I'm not always sure about whatever I'm doing in life, but I've learned now that James Potter will forever be the right person to share my mistakes with. As Leila has said to me like a broken record for years – it's just a fact of life.

James, of course, smiled when he heard the familiar phrase and kissed me softly, obviously trying to relish the moment. However, he failed miserably; he deepened the kiss immediately, unable to slow down as usual – he was only ever going to be happy when he was speeding hysterically through whatever he was doing. Maybe that was what I loved about him – his recklessness, his carelessness, his inability to care about the consequences for his actions. It was all so cute in a very…harmful sort of way.

Well, it was all adorable and gorgeous until I felt a hand on the small of my back. James knew I hated it when his hand sat there too long. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't; he was kissing me harder than usual tonight. It was almost urgent, as though he seriously needed it or something, and I felt myself caught up in it, my body nearly tangled up in his. It had only been a couple of minutes, but already, I felt like I couldn't handle it – he was too intense, too passionate, too deep inside of me. It was terrifying, but strangely, throughout all of my usual worries, I couldn't get enough. I couldn't make myself let go. Was that right? Was that normal? Was I doing something wrong? It felt like I was, but in some almost disturbing ways, it still felt right. Though I hadn't felt it in a while, the Familiar in me was screaming at me stop right there while the Mystery was screaming just as loudly to keep the hell going. In some discreet part of my brain, I knew exactly what was going on, but I was choosing to ignore it. That is, I was, until I felt that hand of his start to go up inside my shirt and up my back, around my sides, trying to reach my breasts. I felt a jerk just behind my navel that told me that something was about to happen, something I wasn't ready for, and I forced myself to break off the kiss, panting, oddly enough.

"What are you doing?" I asked him breathlessly, my wide, frightened eyes looking into his sparkling, practically ravenous ones.

He pulled me in even closer to his chest and whispered two words into my ear – "Will you?"

I took in a sharp intake of breath; was he really asking me what I thought he was asking me? He was still looking at me, waiting for my answer, and I gave it shakily; "You…want to?"

He didn't say anything – instead, he kissed me again, hard and imperative, and started to pull my shirt off of my body. I was too shell-shocked to resist, and I realized half-consciously that I was sitting in his lap with only my bra covering my top half. He was nipping at my mouth, and his hands were lingering on the curve of my bare waist, caressing me; but, after a few moments, he stopped doing that very briefly to remove his own shirt. I was about to protest about what we were doing, but I was struck dumb by the sight of his chest in the moonlight. Once more, I was speechless, but he didn't let me pause – he merely captured my mouth again. I didn't let him this time, however; I pulled away, gulping for air rather unsteadily, and tried to find the right words.

"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned.

"This," I said honestly before I could stop myself. "I'm not ready for this." To prove my point, I took my shirt and attempted to pull it back over my head, but he put his hand on me, gently letting the cloth fall back to the grass. Nothing was left to hide the confusion in my expression – it was just me, exposed for everything I was feeling.

"You're not?" He was confused, and he had a right to be – I let him take off my shirt, and then told him I didn't want him to only when the deed was done.

"No," I said. "Not yet." I took a breath, bit my lip, and went on, "Not until I'm married. Not this fast. Not as suddenly as this was. Not when I'm only sixteen."

When I found just enough courage to look him in the eye, he wasn't upset – only trying to understand what I was trying to say. I flailed my arms a little and almost wailed, "If my mum found out, she'd kill me!"

James half-laughed, but his eyes and tone were serious as he said, "So, essentially, you're upset about what your parents would say and you think we're far too young. You're right on both counts, actually."

My breathing was a little steadier as I relaxed in his arms and said, "I love you, but I'm not ready. I've heard all the horror stories and have been lectured at for years that I shouldn't even think about doing this until I'm married, and my mum would literally die if she found out that I lost my virginity to someone she doesn't know at school when I'm sixteen years old."

"Okay," he said, smiling slightly. "Not tonight then. I won't impose something like sex on you. I'm not Sirius."

We were silent after this remark, but suddenly giggled at the same time. "Thank you," I said, smiling freely at him rather than keeping it shy like I normally would have. "But I do promise that when my mum knows who you are and when we are older, you shall be my first."

"While I like that promise, you don't need to make it," he said easily. "It might happen later, but it should happen because we want it, not because you promised."

I sighed, though with emotions I couldn't really put my finger on, and kissed him again. He held me in a sort of a hug, but didn't object, and I think it was enough for both of us – kissing under the moonlight, while being cliché, was always so incredibly romantic. Even though neither of us had a shirt on, I was (somehow) comfortable, but better, I was happy; it was a blissful happiness, one that only came after something happened. Maybe it wasn't earth-shattering, but it was, at least eventful – though nothing happened, I still felt as though I was closer to him than before, simply because I knew that he still respected what I thought rather than flying away with his power over me.

After a while, I was putting my shirt back on, but James stopped me again. I was about to inquire as to why I wasn't allowed to, but he proposed a lighter and much less dangerous plan; "Would you like a swim?"

I was about to say no, that wasn't at all proper, but then I changed my mind and said, "Yes, I would." He grinned, took my hand, and then threw me piggy-back style onto his back; I squealed as he ran us both over to the lake, which he jumped right into with me still hanging on. The water was a bit chilly, but I stayed close to James, who was more than warm enough for me. He, however, had other plans – he splashed me and then swam away as I sputtered and spit water out, laughing his head off. This, of course, infuriated me, so I splashed him back. Still laughing, he tried to return the water to me, but I'm a pretty good splasher – I didn't let him. I splashed him until he had water up his nose and couldn't breathe right, at which point I waded to him and tried to help him get it out. He didn't splash me again, thankfully, but he did give me a few reproachful looks. I told him he deserved it, to which he disagreed and had a second water fight, but we both knew he did deserve it anyway. When we, at last, saw fit to get out of the lake, sopping wet and ready for a quick shower and bed, we were guffawing about how hideous we both looked with seaweed and assorted lake crap in our hair; it was a productive time we spent outside in the middle of the night.

I'm in my dormitory now, clean and changed, writing about what we did. It's still almost surreal to me; I can't believe how close I got to having sex with James Potter, of all people, tonight. Though I love him to death, sex wasn't something I'd thought about, though Sirius had been discussing it quite a lot during the afternoon. In truth, it's failed to mean much to me for that very reason, until James nearly did it with me; it was always for Sirius, who thrived in it, rather than for me. It was still a mysterious, elusive sort of an idea, something for married people or simply perverse people like Black, and I didn't feel right just going into it out honestly thinking about it first. When James asked me, I wasn't ready for it. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm finding that I'm still not ready for it. Unlike Sirius, I find that, though it's a shadowy realm for me at this point, I want it to mean something later. I don't want to just devour the chocolate – I want to think about it, enjoy it, and remember it as that sweet First Time rather than know it as something I did one night because I wanted to try it. Like I told James, he'll be my first – I know it, I just do – but it won't be when I'm sixteen and supposedly too stupid to make the decision.

It's really late now though, actually, and I must be going – I have to sleep, because I'm tired and still in a certain amount of wonderment. Tomorrow will mark only five days until I go home for the summer holidays (!!!), so there will be an insane amount of packing, screaming, and exchanging addresses going on – I'm going to be rather busy wrapping up the year. If anything, I'll be writing on the train as I go home; so let's just hope no other insane thing worth writing about will be happening during that time.

James

June 9th

Dear Diary,

Blimey, I'm tired. And rather confused, now that I think on it. It's been a long time since I've felt like this, but I'm feeling it, and I don't know what to make of it. So what did I do? Pulled out this damn diary, of course. Maybe it'll help though; it's helped in the past, and I think it might now too.

It all started in the morning, really; I woke up exceptionally early today for no real reason to find Sirius and Kyleigh curled up in Sirius's bed together, fast asleep. It's not exactly uncommon to find them like that, but I still never like to see it – I find it sick, how much Sirius likes to have her around and how much she lets herself be pulled around. Didn't she ever get tired of him? Didn't he ever get tired of her? It was past ridiculous how much time they spent in each other's company, but what could I do? Sirius had some extreme interest in her that I will never be able to fathom, and it was beyond me to try to investigate what it was. I got out of bed contemplating anyway though, until Sirius woke up, shooed Kyleigh out, and approached me.

"Hey Prongs," he said with a yawn, getting out his toothbrush. "Why are you up so early?"

"I think I could ask you the same question," I countered.

"I always wake up around now – Kyleigh doesn't like people knowing she sleeps here all the time," he said, unabashed. "Your turn to answer."

"Okay," I said. "But I don't really have a reason – my eyes just kind of opened by themselves just now."

"How boring," Sirius complained. "At least I had a reason worth sharing."

"Yes, I'm terribly sorry, Sirius," I said sarcastically. "What's so fun about being in bed with her every night, anyway? I think I agree with Remus here – it's a bit nauseating."

"Remus will probably never get married or go to bed with a girl in his entire lifetime – why are you taking his side here?" Sirius demanded. "Listen, James, getting in bed with a girl is not as big of a deal as you think. It's actually pretty fun."

I rolled my eyes. "As delightful as I now think it is, I think I'll pass."

"Haven't you ever wanted to do it with Lily?" Sirius asked deliberately. "Don't tell me you haven't; I know you want to."

"Yes, I have," I admitted. "But I don't think we should do it right now. The concept must revolt her, after hearing you talk about it."

Sirius smirked, ignoring the slight on him, and said, "You should. Just kiss her a bit harder than usual and slip your hand into her shirt. If she wants you to go on, she won't stop you, but if she doesn't want it, she'll tell you at that point. You take off her shirt and her bra, let her take off your stuff too, and that's really all there is to it; the rest of it sort of happens."

"Thanks, I guess," I said moodily, reflecting on what he was saying. "Do you think she'll want to though? She still won't even let me take her to Hogsmeade."

"Yeah, she probably will," Sirius told me confidently. "I bet you she wants it just as bad as I know you do."

"Maybe," I compromised. "We'll see."

"Will you tell me if you do?"

I smiled at his interest. "Of course."

Sirius grinned and said, "Good. Now come eat breakfast with me."

I was quite hungry, so I accepted the invitation and went with him to the Great Hall. There, we saw Remus and Peter eating as well, so we sat down with them; I greeted them cheerfully while Sirius muttered a hello and dove into the sausage platter. Remus observed it with distaste.

"Can't you pretend to be civilized? Even for one meal?" Remus pleaded.

"Nope," Sirius said brightly, resurfacing from his plate to give us a huge, meat-filled smile. "I'm starving."

"Yes, thank you for pointing out the obvious," Remus snapped back.

Sirius merely shrugged as he squirted ketchup all over the sausages, which made Peter laugh.

"Do you want any mustard?" He put the bottle forward temptingly, smirking slightly.

"Mustard makes everything better!" Like a joyous child, Sirius snatched up the mustard and poured most of the contents onto his breakfast. Remus, not at all amused, took the bottle and poured what little was left on the side of his plate with obvious distaste, trying to create what he thought was a dignified silence. Sirius, Peter, and I exchanged looks for a moment when we saw this before we burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Remus asked indignantly. "I didn't do anything!"

"The way you took the bottle…and then poured it on the side…and then tried to act as if it wasn't funny…" Sirius tried to regain his breath from all of his laughter, his cheeks completely red.

"Yes, because that makes all the sense in the world, right?" Remus was clearly not having a good day.

"Exams are over – why are you still acting like something's biting at your arse?" Sirius wanted to know.

"I'm tired."

"Why?" Peter inquired, mystified.

"Stress." Remus yawned. "It doesn't go away the moment the exams end, you know."

"Why not? You're done; you can sleep and not worry," Peter pointed out.

"Yeah, good point, Wormtail," Sirius said, getting back into the conversation. "Remus, you have no excuse whatsoever for snapping at me. Apologize."

Remus made a skeptical face, clearly not ready to do any such thing, so I intervened. "Look, I'm usually the kiddish one and you're usually the mature one here, Remus, so I don't know why we've switched roles, but can you tell us why you're so annoyed?"

"Oh I don't know," Remus said, sighing. "I'm sorry, Sirius. Really."

"Good enough for me," Sirius chirped, shoving another sausage into his mouth. "You're forgiven Remus," he added, his voice muffled as he chewed.

"Thank you." Remus sedately ate his own breakfast, seemingly normal once again.

Peter snorted. "That was weird."

"I know, but let's just keep that to ourselves," I advised.

"Sure." Peter thrust an entire toast into his mouth and set his jaws to work on it.

I watched all of this, highly entertained, and became even more so when Sirius, ketchup, mustard, and sausage dripping out of his open mouth, came forward and gave Remus a massive and unexpected hug.

"I love you, Remus," he drawled, taking care to let mustard dribble off of his lips to Remus's shoulder when he said this.

Remus's expression was utterly revolted as he daintily wiped the flecks of sauce from his robes and pushed his friend away. "Thank you, Sirius."

"Don't you love me too?" Sirius's dark eyes flashed with mischief as he made his eyelashes flutter and came back to his original position while Peter and I wheezed with laughter.

"If I say I do, will you stop trying to spill your breakfast on me?"

Sirius considered for a moment. "Okay."

"Then I love you too," Remus replied.

"Yay!" Sirius threw his arms around Remus one last time before scooting away and wiping his mouth off, chortling about his joke.

Remus preferred to just say nothing as he finished the last few things on his plate.

Peter was nearly in tears by that point. "The brown slop really brought out the highlights in your hair, Moony."

"Definitely – the mustard added a nice touch," I chimed in, hardly able to speak.

Remus rolled his eyes, but offered, "I'm going outside to read a book – care to join me?"

"Sure!" Sirius grinned and put his arm around Remus's shoulder. "I'm your favorite, right?"

"You know, I think I'm going to be fine by myself," Remus said, disentangling himself from Sirius's grasp. "I'll see you three later then."

"Fine, be that way," Sirius said, pretending to be mortally offended.

Remus ignored him completely.

"Bad luck, mate," Peter said sympathetically. "Want to go throw some Dungbombs at the Slytherin?"

"No, I want to annoy Moony," Sirius decided. "It's pretty fun; Pete, you want to join me?"

"Nah," Peter said. "I'll see you two later."

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"To sleep," Peter said promptly.

"Why do you need sleep? You and I didn't do a thing for the exams," Sirius said quite rightly.

"Yes, but its hard work, doing nothing," Peter said, as though it made perfect sense. "Like I said, see you two later." He waved and went upstairs, leaving me and Sirius alone at the table, looking bewilderedly at each other.

"Let's just go outside," Sirius said.

"Works for me," I said right after him. "I'm going to go grab Lily and be right there, okay?"

"Fine," Sirius said dramatically, drawing out the single syllable out for effect. "Just remember to come outside when you get her – you have a bad habit of disappearing every time you want to fetch her."

"Sorry," I said, smiling apologetically.

"Hurry," was the only response I got.

I stood up and bounded up the stairs to the Gryffindor common room, wondering what Lily was doing. I hadn't seen her all morning. I gained entry into the portrait hole, but when I stepped inside, the first thing I saw was a familiar red-head curled up on the couch, fast asleep. I grinned at the sight; ever since the exams ended, Lily does little besides eating and sleeping. Of course, I don't blame her for it – she hardly slept for months – but I want to be with her, not watch her sleep. I went to her, gently shaking her to get her awake, and I saw clear, wide emerald eyes peer tiredly at me.

"First all you did was study, and now all you do is sleep," I said. "Will you please find something more interesting to do?"

"Like what?" She yawned; it seemed that everyone I knew was yawning or something.

"Like…like getting up and talking to me," I said.

"Fine." Another yawn. "Talk."

I rolled my eyes, but was otherwise unable to express my exasperation. "Funny, Lil. Seriously – what's on your mind right now?"

Inevitably, she said, "How tired I am."

We argued about this a little more until I got bored and scooped her up in my arms and took her with me to see Remus and Sirius, as promised, and continued the conversation. Lily's used to this mode of transportation by now, so she didn't comment on it, but we talked until we found the other two Marauders by our favorite beech tree and sat down with them.

"Hey," I said comfortably, looking tentative all the same as I looked to my friends. "How are you two?"

"Lovely," Remus spat sarcastically, glaring at Sirius.

"We are lovely right now," Sirius corrected for him. "Remus is just being a prat – it's nothing new."

Remus didn't like the sound of that. "I'm not a prat, Sirius – I just think that reading is a good idea."

"Maybe on a normal day, but these are our days off – you should not be reading," Sirius said. "Don't you agree, James? Lily?"

"I don't care," I said. "If he wants to, he can."

"I think it's fine," Lily said. "Since exams are done, it's easier to catch up on an unfinished novel."

Sirius threw his hands up in the air, frustrated by the lack of support from either of us, and said, "Fine! Read then, Remus!"

Lily laughed, even if somewhat nervously, and I joined her, but more confidently since I was more used to such arguments. That triggered off more remarks from Remus, and obviously, Sirius had plenty he wanted to say as well, so our afternoon was spent going back and forth with the two of them. After around an hour, Remus walked off, sticky from the heat and miffed from the things Sirius commented on at the top of his voice, and Sirius just stayed with Lily and I. I was a little uneasy about that, if I'm honest with myself, because I wasn't sure how Sirius would take it, but I had nothing to be worried about – Sirius had evidently decided to accept Lily (finally) and wanted to know more about her. I was overjoyed to see her cautiously navigate herself through a conversation that didn't involve (many) innuendos or insults with Sirius, and I even joined in on a few occasions. The afternoon was spent pleasantly, in that sense, and evening began to fall before we knew it.

"Blimey, I want to get upstairs and crash early – Kyleigh's probably waiting for me," Sirius said, checking his watch. "Want to come?"

"Nah, we'll stay out here a bit longer," I said. "See you later, Pads."

Sirius left us outside with a shrug, and Lily looked at me inquisitively. "Why do you want to be out here so late?" she asked me.

"It's nice out," I said. "I want to be here. If you don't, that's fine – you can go in." That was only half the truth though; actually, throughout the day, what Sirius had said to me in the morning about wanting to make love to Lily was still on my mind, and I couldn't deny it – I wanted to try. The beech tree was nice and shady, and also looked over the lake, so it was the ideal spot. I looked more closely at Lily as she thought about her answer.

"All right then," she said at last. "We'll be out here."

I smiled. "I thought you'd say something like that." If I was going to be out here, she would want to be too – I didn't force her to think that way, but she usually did. She smiled back at me and put her arms around my neck, sitting in my lap, and I said, "I love you, Lily Evans."

"I love you too," she said, cuddling in a little closer. "Way too much, really."

She was already in my arms, without me even trying to make her! Maybe Sirius was right; maybe she might want to be as close to me as I wanted to be close to her. "We share that in common," I said as a result. "It's kind of unhealthy for me to care so much about you. We're only sixteen."

"I know the feeling," Lily said, something strange in her tone as she spoke. "But at the same time, I like being with you this young. I'll have more time with you."

"Yeah, you're right." I kissed her, still addicted to her taste. I'd never be able to get used to that. "I like thinking about that – just you and me for years and years, growing old together…unless, of course, we decide to raise a family." A family with Lily Evans! Only in my wildest dreams had that been an option for me; now it seemed so much closer to a reachable reality.

"I'd want a son and a daughter," Lily proposed. "A family of four; the Potters." Judging from the look on her face, she liked the sound of that nearly as much as I did.

And, of course, this statement brought on a conversation about names – I insisted on naming our daughter a flower name, since my wife's (I can't wait for the day I can call Lily my wife, if the day ever comes) name was a flower name, and she found me absurd, using her word for it. But, as she began to take more notice of how gorgeous it had become out there while we had talked about baby names, she kind of settled down in my lap – I couldn't tell whether it was me or the weather that was causing that rarely seen peace behind her eyes.

"Glad I made you stay out here?" I asked softly, my voice just a bit louder than a whisper.

"Of course." Her smile was sweeter than honey as she said, "I love you."

I leaned back down to her, craving her again as I always did, but this time, I tried to keep the kiss soft, slow, easier to appreciate. I changed my mind halfway though; who was I trying to kid here? It was Lily who had the self-control – I was the one who couldn't handle being leisurely. It worked for both of us, however; she let me kiss her, and it was then that I seriously wanted to do it. Right then and there, on the grass by our favorite tree. I wanted to make love to Lily Evans, and the feeling was too strong to resist; that was a little frightening to me. I kept hearing Sirius's voice echoing in my head – he made it all sound so simple. 'Just kiss her a bit harder than usual and slip your hand into her shirt. If she wants you to go on, she won't stop you, but if she doesn't want it, she'll tell you at that point. You take off her shirt and her bra, let her take off your stuff too, and that's really all there is to it; the rest of it sort of happens.' Was that all that there was to it? Was that all I really had to do? I wanted to know, and somehow, it was urgent for me to find out for myself rather than just take Sirius's word for it.

Worried out of my mind but determined nonetheless, I made my suddenly limp hand go up her shirt. I knew I was close to just stopping myself altogether, so I continued to kiss her, hoping that would make me do the deed. I knew that if I didn't do it now, I wouldn't ever be able to, and then I'd have to wonder what would have happened if I did; it was like jumping into a pool for the very first time, only infinitely more different. I was stopped at that point, though, by Lily looking up at me, her eyes expressing the concern I knew I was still reeling from, and asking me anxiously, "What are you doing?"

I pulled her into me, feeling her on me and inside of me, and whispered in her ear – "Will you?"

She took in a breath, but unevenly questioned, "You…want to?"

I wasn't sure how to take that, so I decided to test out Sirius's theory – if she didn't resist, she wanted it just as much as I did. I went straight ahead and started trying to slip her shirt off of her, strangely feeling like I was sinning or something, and before I knew it, I had managed to get the whole thing off of her. I took off my own shirt too, seeing as I was getting no resistance from the other side, and though I expected I would be, I wasn't at all embarrassed. I was in love, and hell, I wasn't going to be able to hide that any time soon. I tried to kiss her again, but it was this time when Lily stopped me, as puzzled as I was.

"What's wrong?" I asked her genuinely.

"This," she burst out. "I'm not ready for this!" She scrambled for her shirt, seeming to only now realize she wasn't wearing it, but I didn't let her – I touched her hands and let the shirt fall to the ground. I had a feeling she was about to hide behind it, and I couldn't let her do that; I wanted to see her, not her concealing herself from me. I'd seen more than enough of that.

"You're not?" I had expected as much, but she'd just proved Sirius quite wrong; I had to get an explanation for it.

"No; not yet." She bit her lip "Not until I'm married. Not this fast. Not as suddenly as this was. Not when I'm only sixteen."

She sort of flinched then, as though afraid that I was going to go ballistic on her or something. I wasn't going to do that – I just gave her a questioning look, seeking more of a rational response.

When she finally looked at me, she told me in a squeaky sort of voice, "If my mum found out, she'd kill me!"

That, predictably, brought on a discussion about priorities, but it was a strange discussion; I never really expected to have it. In that sense, then, it could be considered a very awkward subject matter, but truly, it wasn't; Lily and I are extremely open about values, morals, and related topics, and we don't mind it. Honesty is the best policy, right? I'd been taught that since I was three and kept trying to steal cookies from the cookie jar – "be truthful about your crimes" was my mum's favorite thing to tell me.

Once an honest decision had been established (basically, we were going to have sex when it was right to, not when we were still somewhat fearful of it) between the two of us, I suggested that we go swimming – our shirts were already off anyway. It probably wasn't the most sensitive and touching thing I could have said in that situation, but really, what was I expected to say and do after what we'd talked about? Swimming seemed to be the perfect thing to do at the time, and now, looking back on it, it probably was. It was innocent, wet, and kind of let the other know that we weren't fully grown up yet – we didn't have to rush into that stage of life the way we tended to. I would write down what we actually did in the lake, but quite frankly, I can't recall each specific thing – all I was thinking about was Lily and how much I cared about her. Sure, I would have liked to be with her in that sense as well tonight, but I didn't have to; so long as she was there, I was okay. The rest would come in its own time, so there was no point in trying to rush it.

We went inside for showers after about an hour or so in the lake, but we didn't say much; we didn't have to. Our silence said it all, but I can't really phrase what was going on in my head with words – though not a word came out of our mouths, the time we spent walking back was probably the most valuable. I left Lily by the stairs to her dormitory, kissing her good-night before I went to my own, and wondered what I would tell Sirius in the morning; he was going to be asleep with Kyleigh when I walked in, I knew it, so I'd have a bit more time to craft a good way to tell him that his guidance had been worth shit when put to the actual test.

And, sure enough, there he was, thankfully sound asleep – once, I asked him why he always goes to sleep so early when he's with Kyleigh, and he told me that it was because she was really good at back rubs. I smiled as I recalled the memory and looked at the still form of my best friend; she must give really good back rubs.

I got into bed then, and here I am, writing all about tonight, still in that feeling of wonderment. To be quite candid, I don't really have much else to say – like my walk back to the castle, every thought floating in my head isn't really compatible with simple words. I simply can't express it. So, for now, all I can really say is that I'll write again soon, when my mind is a little less weighted down and my thoughts are easier to put into actual English; there's always a chance that that may translate into never, but we can try and be optimistic about it, can't we?

A/N: Excusing that horrific and desperate ending from James right there, yes lovely readers, this IS the second to last chapter! And, like I said in the beginning though, please review gently. :) I know this chapter was different, and probably kind of bad, but that's why I need that review – I need to know if I can pull such content off. :/