Bleach and all of the things it incorporates are not mine. THEY ARE NOT MINE! So, nobody sue me.

Just using their heads doesn't make woodpeckers smart. – Unknown

Despite being used as a hacky-sack by someone large enough to flatten my house, I wasn't in need of any magical fairy first-aid when Yasutora set me down on my feet. Do you know why? Because my armor kicks ass, that's why.

Of course, we still had the big problem of how to get the gate open. The only one capable of opening a giant gate is a giant man and Jidanbo, the man in question, was… not in such great shape at the time. Given his reception to us a few minutes earlier, I didn't think he'd let us through now that I'd kicked his face in.

"You need to revive him," Yoruichi-sensei said.

Then again, maybe the head trauma had addled his brains to the point where he would reconsider? Yeah, sure.

"Come on, no we don't," Ichigo said. "It's just a gate. We can open it ourselves now that he's out of the picture."

"I highly doubt that," Yoruichi-sensei countered. "Each of the four gates weighs around 300 tons and can only be opened by lifting it. Unless one of you has managed to withhold super strength from my attention thus far, Jidanbo is the only one who can open our way."

Light bulb.

"Hey, I can just run up the gate!" I crowed. Then reality crashed down around me, smelling faintly of cat, when Yoruichi-sensei calmly asked, "And then?" He had a point there. I couldn't exactly bring the others along for the ride with me.

"Actually," Uryuu interrupted. "There may be another way."

Attempt 1

"Ready?"

"Ready!"

We'd stolen some rope from a nearby shed. Yasutora would throw me to the top of the gate, I would hold the rope while everyone else climbed up one at a time and then we could all jump down to the other side and land on Orihime's Three God Shield.

Uryuu watched cartoons. This whole cockamamie scheme proved that very firmly, because this was the sort of garbage I'd expect from Wile E. Coyote. Still, it might have worked, had I not been wearing the armor while Yasutora tossed me. He couldn't get a proper grip for the throw and I wound up gaining more speed than altitude, hitting the gate with my face and tumbling back to the ground.

Attempt 2

"Ready?"

"Yeah, ready."

No armor until take-off this time.

Everyone was gathered in a crowd around me and Yasutora while he heaved me up into his arms, swung them back and then sent me rocketing forward and up.

Okay, I will admit that this idea worked a little bit better, but only to the point where I armored up to brace for the landing and my stupid, annoying, armor-slicked hands lost my grip on the rope and it fell back to the ground without me.

And then I hit the gate again because I wasn't looking ahead.

Attempt 3

"Rea –"

"Just move, moron!"

"Okay."

I was getting on top of that gate. It was going down. Or up. Whatever. The point was that I had not run through to another world and beaten up a giant to get stopped by a fucking piece of masonry.

No help from Yasutora this time. The rope was tied around my wrist so tightly that even the armor wouldn't be able to slide it off and I was going to grip it tight, just in case. I had run over halfway up that gate during my fight and I could have gone further before I turned around. This time I was going to keep moving until I hit the top.

I lowered myself into position and then kicked off, accelerating at a crazy rate. I blew passed my friends and started bounding up the gate with absolutely no regard for gravity. That bitch hadn't treating me right anyway.

Here's the awful part: I reached the top. I had finally started slowing down near the end, but I still had enough momentum going to lunge for the edge of the gate and curl my left hand – the one without the rope attached to it – over the top edge. My armor's friction reducing super-slick would have just sent me tumbling back down and I was so sick of falling that there aren't words for it. Therefore, I cleverly banished my body armor just as my hand found purchase on the top of the White Gate. I had a solid grip and yelled in victory.

An action which quickly turned to a yell of despair as, without my insane momentum giving me power any longer, I was mercilessly dragged back off the gate by the weight of the two hundred or so feet of rope I had carried up with me.

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"

Thump.

Attempt 4

"Arisawa-san, please stop kicking the gate."

Attempt 4.5

"All right, I have another -"

"Ishida, if your plan involves me in any way, I am just going to kick Jidanbo in the nuts until he wakes up and opens the damn gate for us!" I snarled.

I had managed to get my armor back on before becoming a splatter on the ground. Not that it mattered much, because death was starting to look preferable. That was, until I remembered we were already in the land of the dead and I'd be stuck in front of the damn gate even if I offed myself right then and there.

Fucking gate.

"Uh, no. You're done, Arisawa-san. From what I understand, Asano-san can walk through solid objects, so I suggest he tries to – "

"It wouldn't work," Yoruichi-sensei cut in. "I told you: the gate and the fence are both made of seki-seki. It's a material that blocks spiritual energy. If Asano tried to walk through it while in his… other state, I think it very likely he would re-emerge as a physical being the moment he touched the rock. The odds are good that this would end with him fused to the gate."

Ishida blinked and I could see the gears in his head change direction.

"Ah. All right then, how about we –"

"You aren't listening," Yoruichi-sensei cut in again and his voice had a definite edge to it now. "I told you before and I say it again: we must go through the gate and I say through it, not over or under. The only one who can open the gate is Jidanbo, and so we must wake him and convince him to open it for us. All of these attempts have wasted time, time which could be used by the Shinigami to gather forces in preparation of our breaching the gate. We will not do this anymore. Inoue, wake Jidanbo. Arisawa, Sado and Kurosaki: take up positions around him and get ready to act if he turns violent."

It occurred to me, as I took up my position, that he could have saved a good five minutes of time if he had taken charge before I had attempted to crack the gate open with my head so many times. I considered asking him about that, but dropped the idea quickly because A) it wasn't that important and B) I was pretty sure I knew the answer anyway. My teacher, wise and powerful though he is, has a streak of cheerful sadism a mile wide hiding behind his venerable whiskered face. That bastard might have done it just for laughs.

"Ready?" Orihime yelled.

There was a collective yell of the affirmative type and then the Twin God Reflection Shield started up. It wasn't too long before Jidanbo was sitting up and rubbing his head. You'll forgive me if I chose to stay behind him. People who try to smash me don't leave me with a good lasting impression and if Jidanbo went nuts, I wanted to be on him before he could do much damage.

"Huh," was his first word. This was shortly followed by, "I'm not dead."

And again, I would like to say that he was dead, because we were all technically spirits and in the spirit world, but 'dead' sounds less stupid than 'deader' and… you know what? Screw it. If I bring this up again, just remind me that it doesn't matter. There's alive, there's dead and, apparently, there's dead-dead. Simple.

Shut up.

"Jidanbo," Yoruichi said without preamble. "We need you to open the gate."

Three tons of giant looked down at fifteen pounds of cat. Jidanbo took Yoruichi-sensei in a whole lot better than any of us had. There was a moment of silence (very tense silence. Everyone had seen Jidanbo in action and no one really wanted a repeat) and then Jidanbo picked up his axe.

Keigo vanished in a heartbeat and I had an adrenaline surge that lifted the hair off my neck.

But Jidanbo didn't attack. It took me a moment to look past the massive handle he was holding and see that he had picked up his shattered axe. He was just staring at it like he didn't know what to do and kind of whimpering.

Huh. Now that we weren't in a fight, there was nothing to stop him from mourning his precious weapon.

It… was actually kind of sad. I'm sorry, did I say sad? I meant pathetic.

"My axe…." Jidanbo moaned.

"Well, what did you expect?" Ichigo drawled. Proving that ten days away from his dad had not dimmed his survival instincts in the slightest, his sword hand was still holding firmly onto the handle of his zanpakutou when he spoke to Jidanbo. "You tried to kill her with 'em. Did you think she'd just lie down and take it?"

I blinked, momentarily thrown for a loop. That was exactly what had happened. I'd fallen down and taken an axe to the back, only the axe had come out worse. I couldn't figure out why Ichigo would say that, until I remembered that he'd been behind the earth wall and hadn't been able to see what had happened.

Jidanbo did not take kindly to Ichigo's criticism. Wailing, he pulled his remaining axe up for another swing, but it never fell. The reason for this is because Orihime sent her shield above Ichigo, Yasutora and Uryuu both raised ominously glowing points of focused energy at Jidanbo's face and I was very suddenly on Jidanbo's shoulder, grabbing hold of his right ear.

Hm. Was this how the shoulder angels did it?

"Listen you!" I yelled. I was all of a foot away from his ear canal, so take a minute to imagine how that had to have felt. "I broke the first axe and I'll break the second, unless you put it down right god damn now!"

And I couldn't believe my eyes, but it worked. Jidanbo must have really liked his axes.

"Fine," he whined. "You beat me. Three hundred years I've been guarding this gate and now I get beaten by a mean little girl. I'm ashamed!"

Whatever eggshell thin mask of maturity Jidanbo had managed to hold up for that long finally crumbled and I saw a grown man cry for the first time in my life. It really wasn't that great.

And, seriously, we were wasting time with this guy.

"Yes, yes, it's very sad," I said. "Now open the freaking gate or the mean little girl will start ripping out your eyelashes."

"Tatsuki-chan!" Orihime yelled from far below. "Be nice! He's not gonna fight anymore and I don't want to have to fix him again!"

"If he starts something, it'll be his own damn fault," I muttered. Then I yelped and tightened my grip on Jidanbo's ear as he suddenly fell forward in front of Orihime.

"You! Young miss! You fixed me?"

Orihime nodded hesitantly and then Jidanbo was thrusting the handle of his ruined axe at my friend.

"Please, tell me if you can fix this!"

Orihime blinked and then laughed nervously. "Well, if you gathered up all the pieces, I guess I could give it a try. I've only healed people before now, though."

Jidanbo started bowing on his hands and knees, over and over again, and fuck, did he not feel the teenager hanging off of his ear lobe? Three sharp bows from Jidanbo and I lost my grip. I managed to kick him in the cheek as I fell, but it wasn't equal retribution for the drop.

Jidanbo flat out refused to do anything else until Orihime had at least tried to repair his weapon, so we all started picking up the pieces of Jidanbo's shattered axe. Keigo pitched in too, having reappeared once it became clear that Jidanbo was not going to go insane and murder us in a violent frenzy.

("Keigo, why are you even here?"

"What do you mean, Ichigo? Everyone else came."

"Yeah, but I swear I heard that you were staying behind. Now you just show up in the middle of the Senkeimon and vanish whenever trouble shows up. What gives?"

"Well, I can't really fight, you know?"

"Yeah, I do know. So why are you here?"

"Well… oh, look! Another piece!"

"Hey, don't change the subject! Get back here!")

Once all of the pieces were recovered (or at least all the ones we could find), Orihime set up the Twin God Reflection Shield again. This was just as interesting as watching her heal flesh and bone. The metal just sort of flew together and slotted into place like the world's most complex jigsaw puzzle, and then fused. Viola, instant fix.

Jidanbo was ecstatic.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, kind young lady!"

"Aw, it was nothing."

"So, can you open the gate for us now?" Ichigo asked.

Jidanbo lifted up his two axes, looked down at us and smiled. "Nope."

Dead. Silence.

"Jidanbo-kun, I can beat you up again if you want," I smiled sweetly.

"Not doing nothing," Jidanbo said with cheerful, devil-may-careness. "Even if I did want to let you through – which I don't, mean girl (but you and your friends could go through, nice miss!) – I still can't stand up, much less open the gate. Not after you messed up my ankle like that."

There was a moment of what the fuck? and then I was turning, along with everyone else, to look at Orihime, who was suddenly very fidgety. Like, kid-caught-with-hand-in-candy-jar fidgety.

"Well… you see, Soul Society people are kind of different from our world people," Orihime said slowly. "I couldn't really fix Jidanbo up like I do you guys, so I just woke him up."

"Well, fix him, girl," Yoruichi-sensei snapped. "We don't have all day."

The fidgeting got even worse.

"Well, that's the thing. I think I can fix him, but it's going to take a while."

"How long?" Uryuu asked.

"Um… an hour, maybe?"

Oh, no way!

"This is bad," Yoruichi-sensei said, summing up my entire mental shriek into three words. "Those within the wall will certainly wonder why Jidanbo is taking so long to report in and any chance we have of slipping through the gate undiscovered grows smaller with each minute. By the time Inoue heals Jidanbo to the point that he can open the gate, there will doubtless be resistance waiting on the other side."

Well gee whiz, sensei, why don't you tell us the bad news?

"We cannot proceed forward at this point. We must find another way in."

…Why do I ask for these things?

I mean, I'd kind of known he was going to say it, but actually hearing it was just horrible. All that work and it was for nothing? I rammed my face into that gate multiple times for nothing?

Damn Jidanbo and his glass Achilles tendon! I didn't hit him that hard! Only at almost one hundred miles an hour, but seriously, it was a love tap for someone his size, right?

Apparently not.

It took not one, but five hours for Orihime to fix Jidanbo up to perfect form. In that time we had discovered people hiding in the houses nearby and after much cajoling (mostly on Mizuiro's part) they finally started coming out once they were convinced we weren't berserker cannibals waiting to eat their sweet flesh.

Yoruichi-sensei was nice enough to explain the situation. As we had entered this world without a Soul Reaper escort, we were illegal aliens, in a sense. As in so many other countries, the ones without visas were blamed for most of the trouble. So, us being ryoka (Soul Society's word for outsider) the inhabitants were none too pleased to have us around, essentially since we (I) had so thoroughly roughed up Jidanbo, who was the only nice Soul Reaper they had any extended contact with.

None of them seemed swayed by my argument of 'he tried to fucking kill me, damn it!'

(It was probably because they knew I started the fight.)

Still, not all of them were standoffish. Yasutora was pulled aside by this little boy named Yuichi and they spent the day walking around Rukongai and talking. Ichigo explained to the rest of us that Yuichi had been one of the souls he helped while he was still doing Rukia's job. Apparently a serial killer had murdered Yuichi and his mother, then died, became a hollow and continued to torment the poor kid even after death. It ended after Ichigo sent him to Hell and Yuichi on to Soul Society.

Yes folks, there is a Hell; with a capital H and chock full of eternal damnation. Kurosaki Ichigo, the crybaby who I once beat up when we were both a tender four years old, had curb stomped a malevolent spirit through the gates of Hell with extreme and justified prejudice.

Why am I never around when the cool stuff happens?

Keigo disappeared soon after Yasutora, saying he wanted to explore. I think he just wanted to get away from the rest of us without explaining anything. We'd tried getting him to say why he'd come after us, but he wasn't talking. I didn't get why.

Orihime was busy fixing Jidanbo (we weren't going through the gate anymore, but she didn't feel right about just leaving him with a bum leg and a busted face. My feelings on that were about 180 degrees away from hers) and Mizuiro, Uryuu and Ichigo were all huddling up in some elder's house with Yoruichi-sensei, trying to figure out what to do next… or, rather, Yoruichi-sensei tried to figure out what to do next and the boys just waited for him to speak his mind (or not, in Mizuiro's case).

I hung around the gate with Orihime. There wasn't much to do aside from throw rocks at the insurmountable obstacle that had so humiliated me, but it beat being packed into a one room shack with three teenage boys, a talking cat and a man who smelled like prune juice. Also, I never got tired of watching Orihime work her magic.

Orihime had gathered quite a crowd while she worked. It was neat watching her fix things, I understood that, but most of the bystanders were men with no girls following them and sometimes I caught them staring at something other than Orihime's Twin God Shield.

I started crushing rocks with my bare hands soon after that. You know… for strength training. Oddly enough, most of the men chose to leave when I did that. The fact that I was staring at them as I turned the rocks to bits of gravel may have been an extra incentive.

That was mildly entertaining compared to the boredom of waiting for Orihime to finish, but the highpoint of the night came about three minutes after I told her to stop before she collapsed.

I would like to say that prior to my arrival in the afterlife, Don Kanonji was the single weirdest person I had ever met. Not creepy weird (Urahara Kisuke had that, hands down), but annoying-comedic-oh-my-god-he-can't-be-serious weird. Kanonji was the king of that kind of bizarre.

And then I met Shiba Ganju.

Actually, I didn't even really 'meet' him. I just dodged when a human cannonball came flying through the elder's hut after being hurled at us by an irate boar.

Hang on. I'll back up.

The sun had gone down and I was leading Orihime into the increasingly cramped hut that Yoruichi-sensei and the others were in. It was beginning to look as though we were staying the night and I wanted to snag a bedroll close to the fire before anyone else did. Dinner was looking good too. Orihime and I walked through the doorway just in time to hear the tail end of Yoruichi-sensei's sentence. Everyone else, even Keigo, had already made their way back.

"..ow someone who can help us."

"What'd you say?" I asked.

The lithe black cat turned to look at Orihime. "Inoue-san, how is Jidanbo?"

"Um, well, I couldn't finish fixing him entirely, but he's at the point where a few days of rest should do everything else. I think he'll be okay."

"Good. His loyalties aside, Jidanbo does have a good heart. I wouldn't enjoy seeing him die," Yoruichi-sensei admitted.

"Yeah, the big guy's fine," I drawled as I sat down on the opposite side of the fire pit. "So, what were you guys talking about?"

"Yoruichi-san was saying that he knows someone who can help us get into the Seireitei. The thing is –"

"The person in question tends to relocate fairly often," Yoruichi-sensei cut into Mizuiro's explanation. "However, if we can make contact, then they should be able to –"

"– get us over the walls of the city without us having to go through the gates," Mizuiro finished.

"Kojima, stop doing that," Yoruichi-sensei.

Mizuiro smiled, becoming the picture of bemused shame. None of us were fooled for a second. "I'm very sorry, Yoruichi-san. It's in my nature."

"I can very much believe that," Yoruichi-sensei deadpanned. Then, "Elder. We have only been in this district for a day and none of us are familiar with it. Do you know whether there is a person named Shiba Kukaku nearby?"

The old man gave a rather unpleasant jolt when he heard that name. That did nothing for my worries.

He rubbed his wrinkly old chin thoughtfully and then spoke. "As I recall, that person is currently dwelling in the west Fugai district, not very far from here. However, the house may have moved by now. If you are an acquaintance of Kukaku, then you should know how rarely the Shiba household stays in one place for long."

And this is where things – which had been relatively normal – went seriously screwy.

An alarm, like the one in my hated nightstand clock, began ringing shrilly from somewhere close by the hut.

We had about two seconds after that to look towards the door and wonder what it was. My thoughts were something along the lines of Soul Reapers coming to slaughter us all, but then Mizuiro chirped "You will all want to move away now," and I jumped away.

Good thing I'd listened to him. The door was smashed off its hinges by over one hundred pounds of fast moving idiot. The person in question hit the ground hard, bounced off the dirt, hit the wooden deck of the house floor and then began sliding towards the fire pit. He stopped before he hit the flames, which was good for him because none of us had enough wits about us to tackle him before he hit.

This was mostly because we were busy staring at the giant boar wearing a pink ribbon that had appeared in the open doorway.

Nope, not kidding.

Giant boar. Pink ribbon. With the words 'four hoof drive' tattooed on its left side.

"Ho, boy…. Bonnie threw me again…."

'Oh look, he isn't dead.'

The living (ghostly? Damn Soul Society for screwing up my understanding of descriptive verbs) man stood up and shook the dirt and boar hair off of his clothes. It wasn't a great improvement. His outfit, which consisted of baggy pants, a sleeveless shirt and a vest, might have looked better on him if he were ten years younger, but I kind of doubt it. He had the kind of face you think of when someone says the word 'thick headed': huge jaw, huge nose and although I couldn't see much of his forehead with the bandana covering it, I was willing to bet it was huge too. The man was only one generation removed from Neanderthals.

He turned around and gave a two-fingered salute to the old man, who was taking the destruction of his home much better than I would have.

"Hey! How's it hangin', old man?"

"Ganju!" The Elder finally found his voice. "What are you doing here? Go home!"

Ganju smiled and shrugged. "Hey, is that how you greet an old friend? Look, you're scaring your guests."

For the record, I would not call anyone who boar tosses their way through my front door a friend, nor would I call them something to be scared of. Ganju was quickly being filed in the 'People I Should' cabinet, subfolder 'Compare to Head Lice'.

"You are scaring them!"

Ganju just grinned some more.

And then he stopped grinning like someone had flipped a switch. It took me a second to figure out why and then I followed his line of sight to see him staring at Ichigo like he'd never seen anything like him before.

Ichigo stared back, less out concern for what was clearly an evolutionary throwback and more out of concern for what this meant for himself.

"…What? What are you starin' at me for?" Ichigo asked.

"What the…" Ganju mumbled softly. Then his teeth gritted, his face turned red around the cheeks and he took off his ridiculous sunglasses (yep, huge eyebrows. Another point for my theory) to yell at the old man, half question and half accusation, "What the hell is a Soul Reaper doing here?"

Okay, that was new. Most of the people we'd met thus far hadn't exactly welcomed us with open arms, but they hadn't been outright hostile either. Most had just ignored us once we didn't do anything.

"Well?" Ganju asked again, but this time it was to Ichigo himself. Ganju had gotten the bright idea to seriously invade Ichigo's personal space and was currently an inch away from the carrot top's face. If the vein that had already begun to throb on Ichigo's right temple was an indicator, there was no way this would end well for Ganju.

…Where was some popcorn?

"Speak up! What's a…"

He had begun lightly slapping Ichigo's face.

3…

"Stinking Soul Reaper…"

2…

"Doing here?"

And 1.

"I asked you a question, you -"

Ichigo's punch caught Ganju flat in kisser and actually lifted the moron off his feet, hurtling him through the doorway he had crashed through a minute earlier. I wasn't sure how much of the power behind Ichigo's swing was his spirit energy and how much was anger. It could have gone either way with him.

'Note to self – get a rematch with that guy someday soon.'

Ganju rolled up to his feet and slapped one hand over his aggrieved injury. "You picking a fight, dandelion head?"

I was amazed he could actually form words with the damage to his jaw. Either Ichigo wasn't as strong as I thought he was or Ganju's pre-Tarantian skeleton structure gave him more protection.

"You picked the fight, pig straddler! You start in on me for no reason and expect me to do nothing about it! What kind of moron are you?" Ichigo yelled.

"Oh, he had a reason," Mizuiro said from out of the blue. "You see, several years ago he had an older brother named Kaien. Then one day, a -"

Ganju moved fast, but Ichigo was faster. He blocked Ganju's first attack, but didn't catch the kick to his stomach in time and went down.

"You damn well know why and you still had to ask?" Ganju hollered.

("Well, we don't know why. Only Mizuiro does," Keigo muttered.

"I'll explain later," Mizuiro promised.

"You really shouldn't go digging around in people's heads either, you know?"

"I'm bored.")

Meanwhile, I was yelling at Ichigo to get his act together. Here's why: a while back, Ichigo finally managed to beat me in a sparring match. It was a one time thing and the score still stands at about one thousand to me and that one to him, but he'd never agreed to a rematch since then. Until I beat him again, I would always have to wonder if Ichigo was stronger than me. Therefore, if Ganju beat Ichigo, it meant Ganju was also theoretically stronger than me and I refused to exist in a universe where that was my reality!

"GAMBATTE, ICHIGO! ENDURE, RISE AND CONQUER!"

"I am, damn it!" Ichigo yelled, right before Ganju lowered his shoulder and rammed Ichigo in the solar plexus.

"Ichigo!" Orihime and Uryuu yelled at the same time.

They started to run out of the house to help (I followed out of a desire to keep watching the fight), but four more boars cut them off from Ichigo. The only thing weirder than seeing a grown man riding a giant boar is seeing four others do it at the same time.

"Don't mess with the boss man," said their ringleader. He could have been a Goth punk from the Warring States Era.

"If you try to help your friend, you'll have to deal with us," said another one behind him. He had on sunglasses and his hair was cut short everywhere except in the front, where it was styled into a ridiculous spike.

The other two guys weren't much better. One had an afro and a constipated look on his face, and the other was almost more thuggish looking than Ganju. Almost.

To be fair, I wasn't actually planning on helping Ichigo. He never did like other people butting in on his fights and if I had interfered, I'd have never known who was stronger between Ichigo and Ganju. Still, these guys were asking for it almost as bad as their friend was.

"Okay," I said with a little too much cheer.

I went for the Goth guy first. I don't know why, but his hairstyle really pissed me off. One flying punch had him falling from his high horse (boar, to be technical) and eating dirt. While I did that, something huge came whistling from behind me and ruffled my hair as it passed. One quick look told me that someone (I'm betting Yasutora) had thrown Ichigo his sword. By the time he grabbed it, I'd tackled the thuggish looking guy from his seat and had begun pummeling his skull into the ground.

"Hey, you hurk!"

I turned around and saw that Yasutora had simply lifted the man in sunglasses off of his boar and was holding him up by the back of his vest. Uryuu, sharp as he was, had spent that same time forming that energy bow of his and was aiming a nasty looking arrow of the same stuff at the man in the afro.

This happened in about seven seconds.

I hadn't even needed to call my armor.

'Yeah, we're awesome.'

Mr. Sunglasses gave one last squirm and then yelled, "Boss, retreat!"

Ganju half turned, said "Wha -" and then Ichigo cracked him across the head with the broadside of Zangetsu. The poor sucker dropped like a sack of rocks and the noise from our ruckus faded entirely.

'…Okay. Or maybe they just suck.'

"ENOUGH!"

I twitched, associating that voice in that tone with pain and humiliation. Turning around slowly, feeling like a schoolyard brat about to be switched, I stared at my feline teacher and took calm, cool, resigned note of the fire burning in his lamp bright eyes.

"One day, you will all listen to me when I say stop. Twice now, you have ignored me: at the gate with Jidanbo and just now with your fight against Ganju and his thugs. I will not have this anymore."

Come to think of it, I had sort of heard someone yelling 'stop you idiots, don't fight him, I wish I could kill you all myself', but I'd been focusing on the fight at the time, so….

"Now, if Inoue-san would kindly heal all those injured, we could talk to Ganju reasonably and not have to explain to Kukaku why we should be given aid after having beaten Kukaku's younger brother to within an inch of his life!"

…Um…wow….

Oops.

It took some doing, but the thugs who were still conscious agreed to lead off the boars so we could drag Ganju and the others back inside. Every time we tried before then had ended with us doing some serious gymnastics to avoid being gored. However much they may have liked to toss their riders around, the boars actually did appear to care for them. Once we got rid of them however, it was a simple matter of dropping the circus act next to the fire and having Orihime fix them up. All that work on Jidanbo must have given her a better understanding of how to fix Soul Society people, because she had all of them up and moving before five minutes had passed.

"You are not Yoruichi-san," Ganju said bluntly.

That wasn't to say we didn't have problems.

Ganju's first act upon awakening was to attack Ichigo again and force the rest of us to tackle him to the floor. Now, having been (forcibly) calmed down to the point where he would sort of listen to us, he was refusing to believe that sensei was who he said he was.

"I only saw Yoruichi-san once, but I didn't see a cat back then."

"I assure you, I am Shihouin Yoruichi. My current shape is simply a disguise I adopt from time to time. Kukaku will know me for who I am, so I ask you, again, to take us to your home," Yoruichi-sensei said very reasonably.

Ganju scoffed. "Like I'd bring a Shinigami and his crew to my house ow god stop it please!"

About two seconds later, he agreed to take us to his house.

'Obey sensei, you clumsy moron. OBEY!'

The scratches had stopped bleeding by the time a rather subdued Ganju led us out of the town area and into the nearby fields. It was dark by then and we were all getting kind of tired, but Yoruichi-sensei insisted we press on. For one thing, this Kukaku character would have better accommodations and for another, no one really wanted to keep an eye on Ganju all night to make sure he didn't take off after his friends, who had split on his word after he caved to Yoruichi-sensei's demand.

We had been walking for almost an hour, the only light coming from the moon, before Ichigo cracked and started whining. He's still fours years old in a lot of ways.

"Hey, are you sure you're taking us in the right direction?"

"Of course!" Ganju snapped. "I know where my own home is, you dunce! We just live way out in boonies, is all."

"How come?" Keigo asked.

"Well, among other things, it keeps the complaints about the noise level down. And besides, if you stay away from towns, then you don't have people nagging you about property lines."

It should come as no surprise to you people that, between Ganju being related to Kukaku by blood and Ganju's own short speech that I just repeated to you, I was beginning to build an image of Kukaku that more and more resembled a flea ridden, hairy, low-browed lumberjack with bad teeth.

Shame on me, I know.

It was closing in on eleven O'clock when we finally reached the Shiba house.

Ganju didn't even have to say it. We knew it was his because it the only house nearby and even more so because of the huge banner that was held up over the house by two ginormous hands, which were attached to similarly sized arms that were planted into the ground on either end of the house. The banner declared, in big bold characters:

Shiba Kukaku

I was suddenly very glad that it was night, because if anyone had seen me willingly go into that sideshow attraction, I would have had to kill myself.

"Everyone's probably still up and waiting for me," Ganju muttered. Then he winced and visibly deflated. "I am so dead."

"I highly doubt that," Yoruichi-sensei said. "Now go and announce our presence to your sibling and retainers."

The retainers were almost as strange as Ganju. They were almost identical, each one being huge, muscular and bald. It was like something you'd see at a Barnum and Bailey's Circus show. Near as I could see, the only real differences between them were their names (Shiroganehiko and Koganehiko) and their shirts (white for Koganehiko and yellow for Shiroganehiko). Well, their faces were also a little different around the chin, but not so that it really stood out. I only noticed that because I couldn't stop staring at them.

'Okay. Between these guys and Ganju, I'm not sure I want to know what this Kukaku guy looks like.'

And yet, I also totally did.

A gorilla in a tuxedo, perhaps?

Unlike Ganju, the retainers instantly recognized Yoruichi-sensei, despite the fact that he was a cat. What he looked like when he wasn't a cat was something I was very keen on finding out. I'd kind of known he wasn't really a cat – most of the tricks he taught me were things that he'd mastered, but you needed two legs or two fists to do them right – but I hadn't known he could change back and forth between shapes at will. I'd asked him about a few times when we were training, but he was frustratingly closed mouthed about it. At first I thought maybe he'd been cursed into that shape, but what he had said to Ganju earlier had changed my mind. I was starting to think he just enjoyed being a cat.

Then again, I could have been wrong. Maybe changing back would have triggered red alerts all over Soul Society and had people on his trail like lightning. Given that he was helping us to break into the Seireitei and acting totally cool about it, not to mention the fact that he had the kind of knowledge you only get from personal experience, I was considering more and more the possibility that my furry little teacher had once worn a set of black robes. That was another reason he'd have to hide from Soul Society.

The two hulking servants led us through the door and down the set of stairs that immediately followed. Really, who the hell designed that place? Ganju followed them like a man being dragged to his own execution. I would soon understand why.

We were told to wait a few steps from a shoji screen door that separated us from the next room. Ganju couldn't stop wringing his hands. The two menservants kneeled by the door and, without any noticeable signal from them, we heard someone talking through the screen.

"Koganehiko. Shiroganehiko. I'm guessing my brother finally got around to dragging his sorry ass back?"

"Master Ganju has returned, yes, but he had also brought guests with him, Master Kukaku," Shiroganehiko replied.

There was a thump from behind the screen, like someone had dropped something heavy, and then a flurry of cursing started. Ganju gulped audibly. Not long after, the sound of angry footsteps began coming towards the screen.

"God damn it Ganju, if you brought your stinking boars in here again, I'll –"

The screen slid open hard enough to rattle the entire frame. Once the speaker caught sight of us, the tirade ceased. We were kind of speechless too.

Kukaku was a woman.

Not only a woman, but a rather roguishly beautiful one at that, even if she was missing her right arm a little below the shoulder. And she had a pair of casaba melons that were larger than Orihime's. I didn't think I'd ever see the day I met a person like that.

Kukaku spent a moment staring at us. She was, obviously, caught completely flatfooted. It didn't take her very long to recover though. The moment her eyes landed on Yoruichi-sensei, she gave a tiny, rough sounding laugh.

"Hey Yoruichi," Kukaku drawled. "It's been a while."

"Hello Kukaku," Yoruichi-sensei replied cordially. "I've come for a favor."

"Yeah, you usually do." Kukaku scrubbed her hand through her messy black hair, ruffling the odd covering she had wrapped around her head. It didn't cover everything and bits of her messy hair stuck out in the gaps.

"Okay," Kukaku sighed. "I'll hear you out. In the meantime, everybody else eats and then Koganehiko and Shiroganehiko will show you to your beds."

"But sis!" Ganju suddenly burst. He had been very quiet until then. "They're with a Shinigami! You can't just -"

Kukaku high kicked him. No warnings, no movement, nothing: she was by the door one second and then she was right in our group, sending Ganju flying down the hallway. I hadn't even seen her move.

'Shit, maybe we should invite her for the ride.'

"My house, my rules, brat," Kukaku growled. "The Shiba family may be on hard times, but our hospitality ain't dead yet. Now show these kids where the kitchen is and, since you were so damn late coming home, you can help make their dinner. Now, hop to!"

There isn't much to say about what happened after. Well, other than Shiba Kukaku is a very scary woman and I think I'm going to idolize her for a really long time. We had a hot meal, which was awesome after everything we'd been through, and then Koganehiko led us to some guest rooms. I was out like a light until morning, when Orihime glommed onto me in her sleep and nearly strangled me.

After breakfast, we were led back into Kukaku's receiving room, where she and Yoruichi-sensei were waiting for us.

"Okay," Kukaku began as soon as we were seated. "Yoruichi explained your situation and I've decided to help you all out. I've got a method that'll get you all past the walls. Whether or not you do so in one piece is up to you lot."

Oh yeah, that sounded safe.

"Come on. There's something you should see."

Why had we even sat down? We were up again and following Kukaku as she and her two servants led us deeper into the household. We entered a room that almost matched the gym at school for sheer size. In the center was a large round platform, with a cylinder that shot up and disappeared through a hole in the ceiling.

"What is that?" Keigo wondered aloud.

Laughing, Kukaku jumped onto the platform and patted the massive cylinder fondly. "This, kiddo, is what's going to get you into the Soul Society. This is what's going to send you over the wall."

"Did she just say 'over'?" Uryuu echoed.

Somehow, Kukaku heard him. She grinned a very sharky smile.

"That's right," Kukaku crowed. "I'm Shiba Kukaku: Rukongai's premier fireworks expert!"

What followed was the same kind of reaction she could have gotten by saying she'd eaten a baby for breakfast. There was a very brief moment of silence, then a unanimous "WHAT?"

Okay, when I'd signed on for this escapade, I'd accepted a certain level of danger would be involved. I had not expected to be blown to bits in a friggin' cannon!

"A fireworks expert?" Ichigo yelled.

"Yep," Kukaku said proudly. She then looked up at the ceiling and shouted, "Koganehiko! Shiroganehiko! Hoist us up!"

The room started shaking. Someone yelled earthquake, but I doubted it was something so normal. I looked up and, sure enough, something was changing. At first I thought the ceiling was lowering, but in actuality the floor we were standing on was rising. The ceiling split open down the middle as we approached it and pulled back to slide into the walls. Sunshine glared down at us and we rose up into it from the depths of the Shiba house. Once we were outside, I saw the two hulking menservants panting by a small two-lever hand pump which had, presumably, been what lifted the gymnasium-sized room out into the open.

I would like to ask again: who the hell had built this sideshow attraction?

"Did that scare you?" Kukaku laughed from her place on the pedestal. "This is Shiba Kukaku's exclusive fireworks launch pad!"

"The Flower-Crane Cannon!" Ganju announced proudly.

His enthusiasm only made it sadder when Kukaku kicked him off the pedestal and back down to our level.

"I said Kukaku's exclusive fireworks launch pad! Who said you could come onto the pedestal?"

'I love this woman more and more each passing hour.'

"This is no time for jokes!" Uryuu shouted angrily, while Keigo whimpered in the background ("I don't want to be a human cannonball! It's such a lame way to die!"). "I don't care if you're a fireworks wizard, there is no way you're launching -"

Kukaku threw something at Uryuu almost faster than I could see. It smacked him in the head, cut him off midsentence and flew through the air until Mizuiro snatched it before it hit the ground. Once it stopped moving, we all saw Mizuiro holding a large crystal ball with the image of some kind of bird inside of it.

"That," Kukaku said, "is a reishikaku – a spirit core. Press your hands against it and fill it with your spirit energy."

Mizuiro gave a little 'hm' of interest and then I felt his spirit energy, which had been nearly nonexistent until that point, flare to high intensity and then focus on the point between his palms. The crystal ball lit up and then, with a loud popping sound, a sphere of energy appeared around Mizuiro.

"That is the cannonball," Kukaku said. "It's what's going to smash through the barrier around the Seireitei and let you guys in."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "Aren't we going over the walls?"

"Yeah, but those aren't the only obstacles, kid," Kukaku explained. "Those walls are made of seki-seki rock. It's a material that blocks spiritual energy and, since you're all made up of reishi right now, colliding with them would definitely kill you. However, since seki-seki also emits waves that block reishi, even the areas above and below the Seireitei are walled off. There's no going around the barrier; just through it."

Huh. Then why hadn't I been affected when I was fighting Jidanbo? We'd been within spitting distance of the walls then.

"That's where the cannonball comes in. It's my own creation: the Special Hard Spiritual Partition Penetration Device!"

Next to Ichigo, Mizuiro had finally let the cannonball dissipate around him. He was breathing hard when he handed reishikaku over to Ichigo and said "It's rather draining. You might have better luck, Ichigo."

Kukaku was still talking up on her platform. "By infusing the spirit core with your combined spiritual energies, you will be able to create a cannonball that will punch through the barrier! The plan is to fire it from the Flower-Crane Cannon and by that method, in you go! It's a rough ride, but there's no other way in! That's all! So, any questions?"

'She's really enthusiastic about this.'

There were definitely some questions.

Mine? I wanted to know if she'd done it before and, more importantly, if it had been a total success.

Unfortunately, we didn't get the chance to ask anything.

"Good! Then you're all dismissed! Go down to the dojo and start practicing," Kukaku ordered. "Koganehiko, Shiroganehiko; escort them downstairs."

'Wait, what? No!'

"Let go of me now or you're losing that hand!" I screamed.

"And you'd all better train hard," Kukaku called after us in a parting shot. "Because if even one of you loses focus, then it's BOOM!"

"What? You never said that earlier!" Ichigo howled.

Focusing our powers into the ball was actually not that hard. Of course, Ichigo had some problems with it and it took him the entire day to get it down, but from what I learned later that wasn't too odd. Yoruichi-sensei had worked us all on finding and focusing our energy from day one and Uryuu had been doing it pretty much since he entered kindergarten, but Ichigo hadn't had that kind of training. He was a brute with more strength than finesse and his training had been more about learning to flatten anything that crossed his path and less about fine control.

As a result….

"Inoue-san! Great form!"

"Ishida-san! It's narrow, but it's getting there!" "Perhaps it's a reflection of his personality?"

"Sado-san! A little unstable, but what great strength!"

"Kojima-san! Right in one!" "What talent!"

"Asano-san! Your form is as it should be, but put more power into it!" "A stray bird would break that flimsy shield!"

"Arisawa-san! Great for a first timer!"

But Ichigo?

"Kurosaki-san! What is it? I can't stand to look at it!" "Indeed! That formation is pathetic! You have no talent!"

It was kind of sad. Even sadder, actually, because with proper control, he could have made a better one than all of the rest of us. What he was giving off, however, was a wispy blue smoke that curled around him in a rough sphere for a few seconds before vanishing.

Eventually, between the frustration and the 'Ganehiko's unwanted commentary, Ichigo finally snapped, smashed Kuroganehiko's face in with the crystal ball and started yelling.

"I don't know how to do it, all right? Give me a tip or something, geez!"

Like I said, he did eventually get it down, but it took a long time (and a near death experience. Kukaku hadn't been kidding about the BOOM thing). We stayed for dinner and then, in the late evening, we met up again at the launch pad.

My poor teacher's tail had been twisted out of shape by Ichigo in his stupefied slumber. He had promptly passed out after creating his cannonball, which should tell you how much energy he'd shoved into the damn thing. Then, when Yoruichi-sensei had wandered near him while explaining to the rest of us how to combine our spiritual energy, Ichigo had reached out seized his tail in a death grip. I had to full-body stomp his wrist to make him let go and I wasn't in time to prevent the damage done. Now my teacher had a rear that you could have used to hang him from a nail.

And of course the idiot didn't remember doing it.

Ganju came up after Ichigo, panting hard like he'd run all the way. Which he had. He'd felt the need to change into, and I quote, 'custom made battle costume' before leaving. Though we had not heard of it until then, one of Kukaku's requirements for agreeing to help us was letting Ganju come along to oversee the operation.

Now, I could go on about Ganju's big dramatic revelation of how a Soul Reaper had killed his brother, but I won't. If you want the drama, talk to Orihime. I've been wading through all this garbage to get to the good stuff and now it's so close you can just smell it, can't you? So do you really want to hear someone else's story?

…Nah, didn't think so.

There might be some other players in this game, but in the end, this is about me.

So let's get to the good stuff.

Kukaku opened the base of cannon with a wave of her hand. Don't ask me how that worked. We filed inside and it sealed behind us, locking us all in a cold, dark tower with only the barest hint of dawn's light visible through the top. We stood in a circle with one hand from each of us holding up the crystal ball in the center and Yoruichi-sensei, who stood on top of it.

"Listen to me," Yoruichi-sensei began. "This is the last chance for talk we will have for some time, I think. So remember these things: stay together once we are inside. If you meet anyone of the captain class, those who wear a white haori, flee immediately and without question. Do not take unnecessary risks. Do not place your trust in anyone within those walls. All Soul Reapers you see from this moment on will be your enemy. Remember that we are here to rescue Rukia. They are her jailors and they will not simply let you walk out with her. Once we have secured her, we will leave immediately. I already have an escape route planned, so leave that part to me. Understood?"

"Yes," we all said. Our voices echoed in the huge, hollow tube.

Outside, I could faintly hear Kukaku shouting something and I could feel a massive amount of energy being gathered.

"It's begun," Mizuiro said.

"Now, combine your energies!" Yoruichi-sensei yelled.

As easy as breathing (for me, anyway), we did.

Ichigo: a living force of nature, holding the kind of power you should only see in a tsunami.

Orihime: bright and gentle, but with the strength of a willow tree beneath it all saying 'bend, but never break'.

Uryuu: focused, calm and somehow different from all the rest of us. Was it the Quincy in him?

Mizuiro: his power was aware, an extension of himself, and it flickered around all of us to adjust accordingly without a bit of hesitation.

Yasutora: a rockslide held in check, a gorilla behind bars. Unrefined and ruff, yeah, but so much strength.

Keigo: the weakest by far, but hard to pin down. His energy faded from awareness, even though I could still feel the pressure from his power brushing against mine.

Ganju: Determination, raw hurt, fierce anger, wild glee and quiet pride all roiling together to make something that had his name stamped on it in bold letters.

Sensei: There weren't words to describe him. Powerful, but subtle. Old, but lively. Self assured, but wary. Form of a cat, but the feel of something else. And….

…Feminine? What the hell?'

There was no more time to think.

I could feel the explosion even through the barrier. The air compressed to an insane degree for a fraction of a second, but it was long enough for me to feel it and know that if it weren't for the barrier, I'd have been in a million little pieces and so would everyone else. Then, with nowhere else to go, the pressure began blasting up to the opening at the top and taking us with it. Despite that, however, it was a fairly smooth process. No bumps or jolts along the way.

We lifted out of the cannon mouth and then slowly arced through the air. I was seeing a problem with this immediately.

"What the hell?" I yelled at Ganju. "Is your sister losing her touch? We're gonna hit the ground before we cross into Seireitei at this rate!"

"Idiot," Ganju smirked. "It's coming now."

I blinked. "What's com -"

We shot towards the Seireitei with all of the force that we seemed to be missing the moment I opened my mouth a second time. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to fly a jet without the cockpit shielding you? Well, it's awesome.

Ganju pulled a long list of incantations from his sleeves and unfolded them. Then he looked up at us and, for once, I couldn't find anything stupid or funny in his face.

"Okay, listen up! The Flower-Crane Cannon launch method is a two part process. Sis blasting us into the air was the first part. Now I'm starting the second part. I'll be guiding our acceleration and trajectory for a pinpoint landing, so don't interrupt me or bother me unless you want to die!"

Well, he certainly had our attention at that point.

"Now, to control the trajectory we need to adjust the output of our energy. I'm going to start the incantation now, so I won't have time to correct you. Just feel the amount of energy I'm putting into the ball and adjust your own accordingly. We clear?"

We were clear. We may have learned that death didn't entirely suck, but that didn't mean any of us were hot to experience it right away.

Ganju started chanting and we all followed his directions, lowering or raising our energy output until it was even with his. Keigo and Mizuiro, the two underdogs of the group in terms of power, were already starting to have a hard time, Keigo in particular. Ichigo, however, had the opposite problem.

"Kurosaki-kun, you need to lower your power more. It's too much right now," Orihime said.

Ichigo looked surprised, I noticed. Had he really not known? "Oh, really? Okay then."

And he did lower it.

But not nearly enough.

"Kurosaki, lower it. You're giving off too much power!" Uryuu snapped. I couldn't blame him. Ichigo was screwing up our rhythm.

"I did!"

"Lower it more!" I yelled. "You're at fifty and we need four!"

"Okay!" Ichigo yelled back.

I felt his power level go down, down, down and down, but still not by enough. Fuck, what was this guy?

"Ichigo," Yasutora said ominously.

"I know!"

Then things went to hell in a hand basket even faster when Ganju screwed up the incantation.

"YOU IDIOT!" Ganju shouted. "I READ THE SAME LINE TWICE BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"HOW IS THIS MY FAULT!" Ichigo countered.

"YOU WERE YELLING SO MUCH THAT I MESSED UP!"

"Both of you, stop it! There's no time for this!" Orihime yelled.

'Okay, we may be screwed.'

"Uh, guys?" Keigo said quietly. We all looked at him and he pointed to the path the cannonball was taking us. We obligingly turned to see for ourselves.

There, below and ahead of us, was the fast approaching Seireitei.

And we still hadn't finished the second part of the launch process.

'Okay, we are definitely screwed.'

"Fuck, there's no time," Ichigo cursed. "Everyone just shove energy into the ball and harden it as much as you can! We're just gonna have to bash through and hope for the best!"

"Yeah, because that worked so well with Jidanbo and the White Gate!" Keigo yelled.

"KEIGO, SHUT UP!"

The barrier around the inner Soul Society was becoming visible. It had the kind of sparkling glow that just screamed 'touch me! Touch me! I'll only kill you dead, hee hee'. I could see buildings, streets, parks, training yards and, very faintly, tiny black specks that darted to and fro.

'Hope we don't land on one,' I prayed.

"NOW!" Ichigo yelled.

I threw every ounce of my power into the ball and felt the others do the same. I didn't understand how it could possibly withstand all that energy influx without shattering, but it did. Somehow, none of us lost control either.

We crashed headlong into the Seireitei's barrier at what felt like a million miles an hour.

Next time – This was so not part of the plan. Why didn't anyone think to bring walky-talkies?

Hey, it's been a while. I've signed up for NaNoWriMo this year, so no more updates on anything until December. Have fun and a Happy Turkey Day!

Gambatte – a term used in martial arts. It has a lot of meanings, some very deep and profound, but at its simplest it means 'endure'.