The Laughing Fox
by Lord Dragon Claw
Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. The Joker and Harley Quinn belong to DC.
Chapter One: No Joke
In a secret lab hidden somewhere near the city of Gotham...
"Now I will begin the experiment to see if I can pull allies from other dimensions to aid me," stated Brainiac, the psychopathic ancient computer from Krypton. "Temporarily, anyway."
He turned to his newly constructed interdimensional portal projection device only to find it missing. In its place was a handwritten note on pink paper. Brainiac walked over and picked it up, and began reading. It was in English, and said:
"Dear Bolts-for-Brains,
"The toy you were working on seemed to be so shiny, I could blind a bat with it, so I took it. Some computer you are, unable to even detect Harley and me as we stole something from right under your nose. If you even call that thing a nose. Heh. Anyway, I figure I could find a more inventive way of using it.
"Your bestest friend in the whole universe,
"Mr. J"
Enraged, Brainiac crumpled the paper in his hand. "There is no way that I'd be able to enter Gotham and steal it back without Batman, and the rest of the Justice League, noticing. And I'm not going to make another to have it stolen from me again. I'll just have to leave Earth and observe as the Joker blows it up." He then made preparations to leave.
A week later, in one of the Joker's secret hideouts (even Batman doesn't know about it)...
"Harley?"
"Yes, Pud'n?"
"When I flip this switch, we have no idea what type of interdimensional demon we'll unleash on our world when I do so, now do we?"
"Last I checked, we had no idea. Not like it ever stopped us before."
"Ye he he he he he heeee! I LOOOOOOOVE my job!" And then he flipped the final switch. The device, which looked like a large ring reminiscent of "Stargate SG-1", began to glow, and the empty space was filled with an unknown energy. It looked kind of like rippling water though. Then, images began to appear on the "surface" of the energy. Japanese writing was abundant, scenes of battles flew by, and the Joker and Harley even glimpsed some sort of multi-tailed fox, before the image became a facsimile of Mount Rushmore. Then, there was a flash of red light, and the portal bulged outward, dropped something, and the whole device shut down.
Harley blinked. Joker blinked. They approached the object that was dropped. It appeared to be a bunch of baby blankets wrapped around something. Then it stirred. And began to cry. Harley picked it up, and began unwrapping it. It was a baby, with blonde hair and whisker-like marks on his cheeks. Curious, Joker approached. Then he saw something. A dog tag? He held it to where he could read it. It was in Japanese. It was a language that he was familiar with, if a bit rusty. It read: "Uzumaki Naruto". Interesting.
At this time, Harley finally got Naruto to stop crying, by singing to him:
"Hush little baby,
"Don't say a word,
"Momma's gonna steal you a mocking bird,
"And if that bird won't sing,
"Momma's gonna deep-fry that thing..."
Joker observed this for a moment, and then had an idea. Once Naruto was asleep, he spoke to Harley softly.
"Har? I know how much you want to have a family, so we'll just have to raise this boy to be our son." Harley smiled, and Joker smiled back. Then he looked thoughtful for a moment. "Let's try to raise him without using Smilex..."
"What should we name him?"
"He has a name: Naruto."
"What kind of name is that?"
"Well, it's Japanese. And since it's written in katakana, his name means two things: whirlpool and fishcake."
"A whirlpool of fishcakes?" she asked, stifling a laugh.
"Hahahahaha! Let's keep it!"
"Tee hee! Yes, let's!"
Over a period of six years, the Clown Prince of Crime and his "bride" raised Naruto to be very much like them. At no given time was both the Joker and Harley in Arkham at the same time. Batman noticed this pattern, but none of his guesses as to why were anywhere near the mark.
Both Joker and Harley were astounded by Naruto's hyperactiveness, eagerness, and stamina. They also noticed that when he accidentally hurt himself, he healed very quickly. They also found that he was getting physically stronger as time passed on. By the time he turned five, he could already bench 145 pounds! Naruto became skilled at mind games at such an early age. Naruto already knew how to set traps, and had the formula for Smilex memorized. As a family, they had all learned Japanese because Harley thought it was relevant.
The Joker was proud of his son. Why, the last playmate they had captured for him actually survived for six months, before Harley accidentally killed her. Naruto was learning restraint.
And they even learned that Naruto had a voice in his head. Naruto said that it was advising him to maim, kill, destroy, etc.
"And how is this different from what we tell you?" was Harley's reply.
"I was simply letting you know it was there," was Naruto's retort.
Yesterday was Naruto's sixth birthday, and his present was his very own sawed-off shotgun (which Naruto called a boomstick). Naruto had yet to name it. Although he did ask if he was adopted. Joker simply said, "Yes, but that doesn't make you any less our son." Naruto was happy with the answer.
However, Joker was feeling a bit on the glum side today. His plans had just been foiled by Batsy for the umpteenth time. He was back at square one again. Then, he got an idea. When he presented it to Harley, she liked the idea. They began packing their bags...
"Kaa-san?" asked Naruto, when he noticed Harley packing some of her favorite weapons into a suitcase. "Are we going somewhere?"
Harley looked up and smiled. "Yes, Naru-kun. We are. We're going to the world where you came from, to have a fresh start."
"What should I pack?"
"All your clothing and your favorite weapons."
"Okay, Kaa-san!" He ran off to do so.
When he was coming back, he came across his clown of a father.
"Daddy?"
"Mmm-yeah?"
"If we leave, who's going to kill Mr. Batty?"
"I already thought ahead. I left clues for him to find this hideout. When he gets here, he'll get a surprise! If that doesn't finish him, he'll drive himself mad looking for us. Either way, I win! Hee hee heeeeeee!"
"Yaa ha ha haaa! A perfect prank!"
They entered one of the labs to find that Harley was warming up the portal projector. The Clown Prince of Crime was carrying four large bags whereas his son was carrying six bags and wearing an overstuffed backpack. Harley had eight bags of her own sitting near the device (she was the most physically strong of the three). Also, her two pet hyenas were sitting near the projector. As the Mistress of Jokes was performing the final checks, her partner in crime was setting up the final trap that the bat would witness... if it worked. It would also prevent anyone from following them. When he finished, he and Naruto got into position, and the hyenas followed suite. Harley flipped the final switch, and ran over to grab her bags.
Again, the liquid surface showed various scenes before finally settling on the Mount Rushmore wannabe. They quickly ran through the portal and were gone. The machine shut itself off again.
Several hours later, Batman entered the complex. He found most of the rooms vacant of all life. Some of the labs had experiments that were in various stages of completion, as if the Joker and Harley had left in a hurry, or on a whim. He suspected that it was both. What surprised him was that in one room was a child's bed. When did he see Harley pregnant? He didn't. They must have been keeping a child as a prisoner for quite some time then. However, there was no clothing in any of the rooms, though there were dressers. Joker must be playing a new sort of sick joke on him then.
Finally, Batman came across the lab with the interdimensional portal projector. When he walked through its only door, he set off a motion detector. Bars slammed down over the doorway. It was then that he saw a very large bomb labeled "For Batty, with Love". Then he heard the Joker's voice.
"Why if it isn't the flying RAT! Don't worry, I can't actually see you, as this is a recording. Good luck finding me! If you survive that is! Yeeeee hee hee haa haa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Have a nice day!"
At this time, Batman had cut an opening in the bars (with a cordless, diamond-edged cutting tool) large enough for him to get through. Then the bomb went off, destroying the lab and everything in it.
The Sandaime was perturbed by these pale-faced lunatics who claimed to have adopted Naruto as their son. He was unnerved by their sudden appearance in the same room where the boy had disappeared almost six years ago.
"Oh come on ya old koot," complained the man with sickly green hair in Japanese. "Let us become ninja for this place! We're great at laying traps and interrogating people! Plus we can make all sorts of poisons to lace your weapons with!"
The third Hokage glanced behind the clown to look at Kakashi, Ibiki, and Anko, who had all aided in capturing the Joker, Harley, and Naruto. Kakashi was reading his book, as always, but he was keeping a close watch on the Joker, to be sure that the man didn't try anything. Anko was standing behind Harley, and Harley was simply cleaning some sort of strange tool that resembled a crossbow, but had a metal cylinder where the bow part and the bolt should have been. Naruto was either drawing or writing something on a piece of paper, and Ibiki was watching him, but with a surprised expression on his face. Odd, Ibiki hardly ever showed emotion.
"Fine," conceded Sarutobi, with a puff on his pipe. "But we'll have to set some ground rules. You can't kill anyone from the village unless they try to kill you or Naruto, you can't give any of our secrets away, and you will obey the orders you are given."
"Sounds fair," replied Joker. "We'll need a plot of land to build our house though. And we'd like to take our son's surname as our family name."
"Very well. Your family name shall be registered as Uzumaki. What are your given names?"
"Joker."
"Harley."
The third Hokage began writing. "This is a declaration. It says that Uzumaki Joker, Uzumaki Harley, and Uzumaki Naruto shall be given full residency status in Konoha. Joker and Harley shall have temporary chuunin rank - your actual ranks shall be determined later. It will also give you the supplies needed to build your house. I hope you don't mind living near the Forest of Death?"
He then saw all three of them grin. Harley's grin was freaky. Joker's was downright creepy. However, Naruto's was the worst. It seemed to be a combination of the infamous fox grin and his father's grin. It was all that the Sandaime could do to keep himself from running in fear. By the kami, what had he done?
After the meeting, the Hokage had requested Ibiki's presence.
"What was the boy writing?" asked Sarutobi.
"An interrogator's flowchart - a kind of plan for the kinds of mind games one might play while questioning someone," was the interrogation expert's reply. "The plan he was writing was primitive, but extremely effective. I was impressed."
"Interesting. I want you and Joker to work together - both for you to see if he is as good as he says and so that you can keep an eye on him."
"I was hoping you might say that."
Back at the Batcave... (What? You seriously thought a measly explosion would kill him?)
Batman didn't know what to do. He had interrogated many of the Joker's henchmen, but none of them knew where he was, other than he was last seen at that laboratory complex that had blown up in Batman's face. He had already notified the Justice League that the Joker had disappeared without a trace.
Wait... wasn't there some sort of door-like structure? Yes, that was what the bomb was strapped to. It was vaguely familiar... wait a minute. It was Kryptonian in design, wasn't it? Yes, it was. He had to notify Superman at once!
Ibiki was impressed. Joker was more sadistic than he was, and was extremely efficient at getting information from prisoners. Of course, Joker tended to kill some of the prisoners, but those deaths were so excruciating and weird that the other prisoners would talk very freely, if to avoid the same fate. At Joker's request, Ibiki had referred to him during the interrogations simply as "Mr. J", and Joker's reputation as an extremely effective interrogator quickly spread throughout the Fire Country.
The house that the Uzumakis had built was fairly large, but Ibiki had been inside of it. It was enormous, especially since they apparently had time to build an underground complex! Also, they had many expertly laid traps all over their compound.
Ibiki had talked with the Sandaime and soon the Uzumaki family will be trained in molding chakra. Of course, the Hyuuga and Uchiha families objected, but most of the jounins and chuunins agreed that Joker, Harley, and Naruto should be trained.
The non-ninja villagers still saw Naruto as Kyuubi, and tried to vent their hatred against the Uzumaki family. It had taken only a week before the villagers learned to stop attacking the Uzumaki home, as many died due to the traps, and a few were mauled by the two hyenas.
Anko was impressed by Harley's skills. Apparently, Harley had always subconsciously used her chakra in order to hide large objects behind her back and to give herself increased strength and dexterity. As Harley learned how to be a ninja and learned ninjutsu, she incorporated her two other abilities into her fighting style. Also, Anko noticed that all three Uzumakis had green-colored chakra, as opposed to the usual blue or white. Apparently, this chakra was poisonous and acidic on its most basic levels. When Anko asked Harley why she thought that this was so, Harley figured that it must have been all the chemicals that they've dealt with on a regular basis, including their secret family recipe.
"What recipe?" inquired the snake ninja.
"Smilex," was Harley's reply.
"What does that do?"
"There are two types of Smilex. The first makes your body's muscles freeze up, the heart and diaphragm last. However, your facial muscles are permanently stuck in a smile. The other type forces you to laugh to death. Only a steady supply of morphine can keep you from doing so, but at that point, you're useless anyway. All three of us are immune to Smilex though."
"Devious..." replied the serpentine kunoichi.
"You should see some of our weapons!" Anko sweatdropped.
Joker was very happy living like a ninja. He considered himself to be quite a sneaky one too. Not quiet, but sneaky. Using himself as the distraction, he could do all sorts of things to enemy ninja. Anyway, he still wore his "business" suit, but he also wore the forehead protector on his head, slightly off-center. Okay, very off-center. The left-hand brads were positioned in the center of his forehead. Harley wore her usual skin-tight spandex, and wore her forehead protector like a belt. Naruto hadn't graduated from the academy yet, so he didn't have one. He did find some goggles somewhere though, and wore those on his forehead. At first, Naruto had wanted to wear an orange jumpsuit, but Joker got him a black one instead, saying that it was more practical anyway.
Yes, Joker was happy. There were all sorts of rules he had to follow, but he could always get research subjects from elsewhere. Plus, he and Harley had been promoted to jounin status very quickly. Yes, happy happy joy joy! Finally, a place where his talents would be appreciated!
End Chapter One.
Next chapter: Itachi goes nuts, Joker hears of a certain summoning contract, and Harley introduces firearms to the world of ninjas.
Author's Notes
First of all, a thank you to my prereaders MagusNecromancer (friend from a forum), Sauron999 (my little brother), and Lord Shadner (friend from real life).
Also, Lord Shadner is the culprit who helped me come up with the idea for this story.
And no, Naruto hasn't met Kyuubi yet. He simply can hear the fox's mutterings and rants in the back of his mind.