Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller and have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping the show alive.
FISH & BERNICE:
I spy.
By: Ra'Ay'Mond
Fish answers his ringing phone, "Good evening. 12th Precinct. Detective Fish speaking. How may I help you? Oh Hello Bernice."
Fish rolls his eyes toward the ceiling. He listens patiently as his wife tells him the reason for this call.
Once she has paused to listen to his response, he jumps in and gives her a quick recap of what she has told him. "OK Bernice let me make sure I've got this straight. Our new neighbor who lives down the hall is a KGB agent. Sent by The Soviet Union to spy on every one in the building?"
Fish moves the phone away from his ear as Bernice loudly corrects him. He moves it closer as he tells her, "OK. His not spying on the whole building, just the people on our floor? Oh yes Bernice, that makes much more sense." Fish lifts both eyebrows and rolls his eyes for the last part of that sentence. He starts to ask her if that means that there is a Soviet spy on every floor in their building. He decides not to. That would be crazy!
"Now Bernice, why don't you calm down a little and tell me why you think that this man is a Soviet spy. OK, He has a Russian accent. He always wears a dark hat and over coat. He always has empty Vodka bottles and empty jars of Caviar in his trash bags."
"Bernice, how do you know what he has in his trash bags?"
Fish leans back in his chair as he says, "You go through his garbage in the basement after he has left the building in the morning."
Fish takes a deep breath before asking the next question, "Bernice, how is it that you know when this poor man has left the building? Fish then repeats Bernice's answer, "An hour after I go to work, you put your ear against his door to make sure that he is not at home."
Fish smiles as he asks Bernice the next question," What's the matter Bernice, you to good to walk down the fire escape and look through his window?"
He wipes the smile off his face at her answer, "Oh! You tried that, but the door to the roof was locked, and it had an alarm on it." Fish then thinks about asking her why she didn't just cut all the power to the building from the basement, and use a sledgehammer to break the lock on the roof's door. He decided that he did not want to hear her answer.
This time he makes a face that's just a little grimmer than normal and says, "Bernice dear, remember last year when you thought that the mailman worked for the CIA? And, you thought the super worked for the FBI? You do? Good! I think that you were right about them. Tell them about the KGB man down the hall form us. I'm just a city cop, it's out of my jurisdiction."
"Sorry but I can't help you with this one. That's right dear, I'm local, their federal. Oh, before you go Bernice If you do tell them about the spy down the hall take my advice and don't mention the thing about trying to look through his window, or listening at his door. Feds hate it when civilians try to do their work for them."
"OK. I love you to. Bye Bernice."
After he hangs up Fish takes another deep breath and thinks to himself, 'agree with her and send her on her way. I should have done that years ago.'
The End.
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