Title : Lost and Found
Notes : This is the sequel to my other two Raph/Leo fics, Welcome Home (I Hate You) and Blame. I was thinking of the song Amazing Grace when I came up with the title. "I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see"…
Special thanks to : Everyone who begged me to write more Raph/Leo fic. Oo;

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It hurt to think about. The mental images of his brothers together, THAT WAY, disturbed and distressed him. He saw those images whenever he looked at Leo… saw the dullness in his eyes and the expressionless face and remembered that when Raphael was around Leo never looked like that. He looked angry and occasionally homicidal, but never dull and lifeless.

The fact that Leo looked deadened disturbed him almost as much as the mental images. As a week bled into two, he gave up trying not to think about it, and started thinking about it more. He thought about it when he watched Leo run through endless kata with the same flawless precision as he usually did. He thought about it when he saw the concerned way Master Splinter had started to watch his best student, his dutiful, honorable, obedient student like he was flawed, like there was something wrong with him. He thought about it when he noticed that Leo had become cold, withdrawn and quiet, more likely to speak in monosyllables, never smiling at Mikey's jokes or Don's gentle attempts at conversation.

Leo had definitely changed. Don was frightened when he watched as, after a week or so, Leo began to make a habit of going to the back entrance of the lair to stand there like a statue… like he wanted to leave but couldn't decide and that indecision had frozen him in time.

He knew at the rate they were going one day Leo was going to unfreeze and walk out that door… maybe forever.

It was killing Mike too. His little happy go lucky brother had taken up checking all over the lair first thing in the morning to see if Raph had come home during the night while he was asleep. When he discovered that Raph hadn't come home, Mike would act differently. His shoulders would slump, and he would become quiet and grouchy which was not like Mikey at all.

It was a day or two after two weeks since Raphael had left that Donatello emerged from his lab to hear cries and thumps coming from the dojo. He poked his head in to see who was in there. Instead of seeing Leo giving the punching bag a vigorous work he saw that it was Mikey. He raised an eyebrow ridge. That was unexpected.

"Mike?" He questioned, walking into the room. Mikey gave the bag one last high kick and fell back in a crouch, panting for breath and sweating from exertion. For a second his brother looked annoyed before he stood up again, an easy grin splitting across his face. "Oh hey Don." He said.

"You okay dude?" Don asked, approaching him cautiously.

Mikey attempted to keep the smile on his face but it faltered. "I…" He turned away suddenly. "This is my fault," He said suddenly, anger in his voice.

Don could see his hands were clenched into fists. "Mikey… no one's accusing you…"

"You don't have to!" Mike snapped turning back to him. "I know what I did okay?" With that he turned and ran out of the dojo. Don blinked in surprise, then followed him quickly. He saw Mikey make a beeline to where Leo stood by the door. "Leo… Leo!"

Leo looked up slowly. For a moment he looked a little lost before comprehension flooded his face. "What is it Mike?" He replied in a cool tone of voice.

Mikey tackled him before Leo could fend him off, clinging to his bigger brother. "I'm sorry alright!" He said tearfully. "I'm sorry Leo; I didn't mean to make a big deal out of it."

Leo, who had tensed the moment Mikey came flying at him, made a visible effort to relax and sighed. "It's okay Mikey," He said, patting him on the back of his shell behind his shoulders. "Don't worry about it." Donatello could see the flash of pain across his brother's face and the failing attempt at a smile to hide it.

"But Raph is gone because of me!" Mike continued unhappily.

"No Mikey," Leo replied quietly. "He's gone because of me, not you." He pushed Mike away gently and walked towards the tunnel that led to his room. As he went past Don reached out and touched his arm, stopping him in his tracks.

"What Raph did wasn't your fault," He said. He felt it was necessary to say it. He didn't see his brother as blameless, but he certainly believed that Raph was more than a little responsible for what had happened between the two of them, and he didn't like the idea of Leo blaming himself for that.

Leo's eyes met his briefly before sliding away again. "It's not up for discussion Don," He said firmly, tugging his arm free.

-

That night at dinner Don waited patiently until after Master Splinter left for his own room with his tea in hand. Then he asked in a lowered voice why Leo didn't just go out and find Raphael like he usually did when Raph took off.

Leo glared at him. "And disobey Master Splinter's orders?" He snapped.

Both Don and Mike stared at him.

"He's part of the family!" Don managed to return after a moment. "Did Master Splinter say not to go after him?"

Leo snorted as he stood from the table. "May as well have," He muttered as he picked up his dishes and walked to the sink.

Don was beginning to see what Raph meant when he told him to tell Leo he was sorry he couldn't save him. Raph got to take off, Leo still had to stay and deal with everything. He got up from the table as well. He grabbed Leo's arm when his brother turned away from the sink. "Look, Leo," He began.

The attack took him by complete surprise. He knew Leo could move fast, he just forgot it from time to time when they weren't sparring and just interacting like normal 'people'. Either way, one second he had his hand on Leo's arm, the next he was flying OVER the kitchen table to crash shell first into the wall that led to the upstairs. He slid to the ground and sat there, stunned for a moment before looking up. "Leo!" He exclaimed as he stared at his brother.

Leo had that look on his face, the regretful one that he wore when he knew he had done something bad. "Don," He said, crossing the room quickly and kneeling beside him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to loose control like that. Are you okay?"

Don didn't even bother replying… he was fine, he hadn't hit the wall too hard. Instead he continued to stare up at Leo before shaking his head ever so slightly. "Geez Leo," He said, climbing to his feet. He reached out, taking his brother gently but firmly by both his shoulders. Leo didn't look too happy about being touched, but didn't push him away or attack him this time. Don shook him gently. "We're only worried about you bro. If Raph being gone is affecting you this much, then he needs to come home. I'm sure Sensei will understand."

Now Leo looked desperate for some reason and Don dropped his hands suddenly, a strange thought occurring to him. "Unless you don't want him to come home?" He asked, a bit puzzled. He still wasn't all that clear on how the relationship had occurred between Raph and Leo in the first place…

Leo shook his head. "I DO Don," He replied vehemently. He pressed a hand to his forehead and shut his eyes briefly before continuing. "But it's… complicated. This stuff…" He sighed. "It messes things up. We need to be able to function well together as a team, not…"

Donatello folded his arms across his chest and cut off what was more than likely going to be a long 'leader knows best' lecture. "You haven't exactly been all that functional these last two weeks Leo," He pointed out. He stepped towards his brother and held a hand out. "Leo listen to me. No matter how hard it is for me to even THINK about you and Raph together - "

" - you and me both! - " Mikey piped up from the kitchen.

Don shot a quick glance at Mike before continuing earnestly. "-You've been a completely different person these last two weeks." Leo opened his mouth to interrupt, but Don wouldn't let him speak. "I can't stand seeing you like this. You're not happy and you never smile…"

Leo managed a bit of an ironic smile just because.

"I think you'd be able to keep your relationship with Raph separate from your ability to be a good leader Leo. I don't even think that's an issue, is it?" Leo looked up at him again, confusion on his face, but Don didn't clarify, rather pressed on. "We're family too Leo," he said, meeting his gaze levelly. "There's four of us, and when one of us is missing all of us feel it, not just you. And I," He made a hand motion to himself. "Don't even CARE what you and Raph do to each other in the dojo or in your rooms or whatever..."

" - though a little warning would be nice! - " Mikey called out again.

"As long as he's here Leo, that's what's important," Don finished. "We need him back. Just like we needed you back a year ago."

Leo's eyes widened with understanding and Don heaved a mental sigh of relief at finally being able to get through to him.

"I'll go find him," Leo muttered, turning.

… And stopped cold. Master Splinter stood at the top of the stairs.

For a long moment Master and Student looked at each other. Donatello held his breath without realizing it. Finally Master Splinter inclined his head slightly in silent acceptance.

Leo nodded back and slipped out of the lair without a sound.

"Alright!" Mikey exclaimed, bouncing over from the kitchen. Don laughed and turned just in time to catch Mikey as he tackled him and gave him an overjoyed hug. For a moment that was fine, until Don's expression changed slightly and he tugged Mikey off of him. Mikey looked confused until he saw Don glance up at Master Splinter. He looked up at him as well. Their father merely gave them a cryptic look and turned away, returning to his room.

Don let out a tiny breath and glanced at Mikey nervously. Mikey returned the look. He was fairly sure they were both aware of how ... interesting... things were going to be when Raph returned...

-

This was his fault. Raph hadn't thought so, heck, Don and Mikey hadn't thought so either, but he knew it was.

He should have been in control. He should have put his foot down, insisted that Raphael find a more appropriate place… but he had a very bad moment of weakness.

He had gotten used to just shutting his brain down and for once not having to worry about anything. Raphael knew what he wanted, and what he wanted he took. He didn't bother asking for it. He didn't even give Leo much of a chance to protest... he took him in the sewers while on patrol, on a rooftop, in Leo's own room while he was supposed to be meditating... and Leo let him. Sure he'd offer up his half hearted protests... but Raph would smirk and ignore him. His body would betray him and he'd enjoy it... in fact he craved the warmth and closeness of another, however briefly. If Raph was inside of him he was also with him, holding him and not hating him for that short amount of time.

He should have stopped it when Raph began to get more brave. When he started to turn their sparring sessions into a game of keep away where he got to play if Leo lost. It was dangerous and stupid and he should have done something instead of caving so perfectly once he found himself up against the wall with Raph's knee between his legs and teeth on his throat. He must have said something then, something about it being wrong to do this here, that they should stop and that he was an idiot, but the word faded to soft pleading groans as a hand joined the knee.

It just felt good and Raph knew exactly what to do and where to touch him…

He shook his head. He knew it had to be stopped. The knowledge tore him up inside. He didn't want to stop, he wanted Raph to come home and for everything to be fine again. But they couldn't go back to just having sex behind closed doors... not now. Not while everyone knew.

He just... didn't know what to do. Find Raph and then what? Bring him home and then...? They couldn't continue... Master Splinter would never approve.

He sighed, long and heavy. It was a situation he wished desperately he wasn't faced with and he wished he didn't have to deal with. But deal with it he must. He shut his eyes and cleared his head, or tried to, before looking up again.

It was then that he saw him. Or at least someone who looked like they could be them. Leo quickly and silently jumped to the ground to follow.

-

It was chilly out, though Leo wasn't one to shiver. Instead he silently watched from his present perch as the figure he had been following for about 20 minutes stumbled a bit. The figure regained his footing and tossed the bottle in his hand away. It crashed against a tree trunk and shattered.

Great.

Leo frowned but continued to watch as Raph selected a tree that looked fairly secluded and sat at the base of it. He huddled deeper in his trench coat and tugged his hat further down his head. With his arms folded across his chest and head down Leo almost thought he had fallen asleep. He was about to step out of the trees when Raph moved suddenly. Leo watched as he reached down in a pocket of the trench coat and pulled a piece of paper free. He unfolded it and held it up to the meager light coming from the moon and the park's lamps filtering through the trees. Leo couldn't see it from the angle he was at, but what ever it was Raph only looked at it for a second or so before refolding it and stuffing it back in his pocket. Then he settled back in, hunkering down in his trench coat.

Leo waited a couple more minutes before he moved. He landed silently a few metres away. Raphael didn't even notice him approach, which was another argument against the alcohol. A somewhat quiet human with a gun could sneak up on his brother right now and then he wouldn't HAVE a brother any longer.

"You know I hate it when you drink," He said softly once he was standing above him.

A quiet snore was the only answer he got.

Leo sighed, a bit of a rueful smile arching across his face. He knelt down and peeked beneath the rim of Raphael's hat, confirming what he already knew… Raphael was fast asleep and reeked of alcohol. He wrinkled his beak slightly and reached out, using deft fingers to retrieve the paper from Raphael's pocket. He moved back a bit as he opened it and held it up so that he could see it. His jaw dropped when he saw what it was. It was a picture of him that April had drawn back when they had first met. It was too dark out to tell color of the headband, but he knew the picture was of himself.

An odd shock went through him and his eyes darted to Raphael's sleeping face. His brother really didn't expect to come home, did he? And the fact that he looked at the picture before falling asleep... Leo felt like he was in pain.

"Ah Raph," He muttered. He sat for a moment more before replacing the picture with one hand and reaching out with the other. He ran thick fingers over the side of Raph's face. His brother's skin was clammy and cool to the touch.

The touching woke him up. Raph's brow knit and he made a small snuffling sound. Leo jerked his hand away as Raph raised his head slightly. His eyes cracked open and focused on Leo blurrily. Leo contemplated vanishing but then a hand grasped his wrist before he could and Raphael smiled. "Heyyyy," He said, the word slurred.

"Hi," Leo returned in a low whisper, smiling despite the smell of alcohol on Raph's breath.

"Mmm…" Raphael leaned forwards and clumsily pressed his lips to his brothers, hand that wasn't holding his wrist coming up to cup the side of his face. Leo heart pounded in his chest Raph pulled away from the kiss. Raphael ran a trail of licks and gentle nips down the side of his face and to his neck, slobbering a little bit more than usual, and stopped to suck at a place where he knew Leo was especially sensitive. Leo moaned, his eyes falling shut. At the same time his thoughts were in turmoil. He knew he had to stop Raphael before it was too late... but... it had been two weeks. And this... this just felt so good...

'Just tonight,' He rationalized quickly, feeling horribly guilty. 'Just tonight... he's drunk... he won't remember. Tomorrow you can tell him to stop.'

He shut his eyes and tried to push away the feeling of wrongness as he let his brother do whatever he wanted. When Raphael let go of his wrist to run his hands down his sides and pull him closer, he let him. When he turned them both suddenly, to press them both into the grass at the base of the tree, he let him do that too. He was rewarded with a bold hand moving down to settle between his legs…

Leo gasped despite himself, arching against that hand and suddenly Raphael stopped moving. He raised his head and stared down at his brother. He blinked a couple of times and finally his eyes cleared enough to focus. "LEO?" He exclaimed.

"Hi," Leo repeated a bit sheepishly. He felt like he had been caught red handed with his hand in the cookie jar so to speak. Even though it was Raph's hand that was currently curled around... he flushed and pushed the hand away, tucking things back in quickly.

Raph didn't seem to notice as he stared, rocking back on his heels. His face changed from incredulous disbelief to joy to confusion to disbelief again. It seemed to take a while since he was inebriated. "What'er you doing 'ere?" He finally asked.

Leo got up and sat beside him. "I came to find you." He said simply. He looked his brother up and down, allowing disapproval to show on his face as he switched into 'big brother' mode. "You've been drinking and hanging out in Central Park the last two weeks?" He asked.

"Naw," Raph replied with a bit of a goofy grin. "I did the vigilante thing last week. This week I decided to be a homeless bum. 'Cause I am." At that he pulled a small bottle of whiskey from his other trench coat pocket. "Cheers!" He said, holding it up.

Leo rolled his eyes and reached out, grabbing the bottle before Raph could drink from it.

"AW!" Raph protested loudly, reaching for it and not doing so well thanks to being severely intoxicated.
Leo made a face and tried to push him off of himself while still keeping the bottle away from his brother. "No Raphael," He said, finally throwing the bottle into the trees. "No more drinking."

Raphael's stretching for the bottle had caused him to land on top of Leo again. He blinked then grinned. "Heeyyy…" he slurred again.

Leo let out an exasperated sigh. "Raph come on," He said, pushing up against him. When Raphael kept going he shoved as hard as he could, which caused Raph to fall backwards onto his ass. "STOP IT." Leo commanded.

Raph's eyebrow ridges flew together. He looked hurt. "I said I wouldn't hurtcha Leo," He said, his voice soft and sincere despite the fact that his words slurred slightly.

"It's not that," Leo huffed, sitting up. Raph continued to stare at him, his eyes wide and still hurt.

"Then whats it Leo?" He reached out to touch his face then drew his hand away again, flinging it behind himself. "I got it," He said, nodding. "You don't wan me. FINE." He got to his feet, which was no small feat. He almost fell over again before he turned and started stumbling away.

Leo's jaw had dropped at Raph's words, before he watched Raph get up and was reminded that his brother was intoxicated. He sighed and pressed fingers to his forehead a moment before looking up again. Raph had only made it about 20 feet or so, and was trekking along with absolutely no regard for any nature he might trample along the way. Leo rolled his eyes heavenward and got to his feet as well. "Raph, wait!" He called out.

Raph didn't turn. He was still going when Leo caught up to him and grabbed his arm, trying to spin him around. Raph went down instead of turning, curling into a ball on the leaf-covered ground. He didn't move.

Leo was concerned. "Raph come on," He said, falling to his knees as well. "Are you okay?" He asked, placing a hand on his shell.

"Go AWAY," Was Raphael's belligerent and muffled reply. He tried to jerk away but ended up just rocking in a different direction and coming right back.

Leo hated dealing with Raph when he was drunk. He really really did. He breathed deeply a couple times to calm himself before continuing. "Raph... please..." He sighed and grabbed Raph by the shoulders and started to try to get him to sit right side up, but Raph would have none of it, fighting against him.

"Fucking leave me alone LEO!" Raph shouted as he struggled. Leo didn't pay any attention, fighting just as hard. Raphael had an extreme lack of motor skills when he was drunk and he knew it too. It made it very easy to overpower him. Sure enough, he stopped fighting Leo as much and merely panted, his eyes screwed tightly shut. He turned his head away and let out a choked sound.

Leonardo wound an arm around his back and held his head to his chest. He cradled him and tried to soothe him as he continued to make those painful sounding noises against him, hands clenching and unclenching against his plastron.

The hands relaxed by degrees, and soon the wracking sobs that shook Raphael's entire body ground to a halt. Leo waited. After a minute or so Raph began to snore. Loudly.

Leonardo shut his eyes briefly before climbing to his feet, bringing the dead weight of his brother with him. Raphael made some noises and stopped snoring, though he didn't wake up completely. Leo stopped momentarily to retrieve Raph's hat, then looked around, trying to figure out where to take them. He spotted a place... an obscured tree and set Raphael down at the base of it. He meticulously moved his trench coat about as well as his hat so that he was as covered as possible. When he stepped back again he admired his handiwork... with his face obscured by his hat, Raphael really did look like a drunk bum sleeping it off in the park. He sighed again, and, with another small smile moved off to find a place where he could keep a look out and watch over his brother while he slept.

-