If You Were Gay – An Inuyasha Twist
Summary: In his drunken stupor, Miroku :daringly: questions this Sesshoumaru, if he was gay. Not yaoi/slash.
Author's Note: Okay, so I admit this is a pretty silly story, but silly stories do have their silly worth, even if it is in a strangely silly way, you know? I apologise if Sesshoumaru's a little out of character. As for Miroku…That's just Miroku.
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or the lyrics of the song from Avenue Q.
It was more of a chance occurrence, really. The houshi, chased away by an indignant Sango after yet another attempt made to her modesty, had lingered at the village tavern to drown his sorrows.
"Oh why, couldn't she understand…?" It was clear that he was under the heavy influence of sake with his sanguine-coloured cheeks and the nasty alcoholic taint to his breath.
He had left the tavern reluctantly, after the shopkeeper had shooed him away, as he had made another attempt to grope the shopkeeper's daughter.
"Why, is the sky so gloomy and grey?" He laughed; a lopsided grin on his face. His steps were irregular and headed to no particular direction.
"My, my, what a ravishing young lady! Would you kindly give me the honour of bearing my children?"
There was suddenly a rush for young ladies to return back to their residence, as someone had alerted them that a drunken, potentially dangerous monk was on the loose. Mothers had brought their unwilling children in tow back home, muttering angrily about 'undesirable men wasting their lives dreaming false fantasies'. A heinous crime, they said. Moreover, the one currently on the loose was a rather, lecherous one. A monk, to add to their gossips.
"Shoo! You good-for-nothing!" "Leave my children, you dirty, flea-bitten monk!" "Watch out, you might get struck down by lightning, not that I would mind!"
"Mmm…The sky tastes like berries – why would I go after your children, lady, they are as hideous as yourself, the nerve, as if I had that bad a taste – Hahaha! Your hair looks like grass!"
Well, uh, and a currently, not very sane, priest.
He had wandered deeper and deeper into the forest, leaving the hustle and bustle of the village, the vegetables, eggs and carrots thrown at him behind.
"Why, oh, why, is Sango so alluring?" He questioned the trees, as though expecting them to reply back. It was summer and the trees were blossoming under the resplendent sun. The foliage thickened as he trotted further into the forest.
"Why are the trees so green and vivacious?" He gurgled, laughing like a little, overgrown, baby.
"Why is this place so dark and threatening?"
"Why, is there no sound at all, the air so still and tense? Miroku is here, my dear woody friends! Nothing to worry! Ofuda!" He eased into a fighting stance and carelessly threw one of his charms onto a nearby bark of a tree.
"Well, hello there! Mmm, your fur is as soft as the cushion Kagome brought back – so warm and comfortable, so delightful, so lovely –"
"Houshi, you will cease your ludicrous, improper behaviour this instant."
Miroku blinked. His vision was a blur, but as it cleared up, the stoic cold-blooded Lord of the Western Lands appeared to stare at him directly, but his gaze carried no trace of friendliness.
"Why, it's the Lord of the Western Lands! Welcome to my humble abode! You'll find that the fur I'm snuggling on is so much better than the deer peltskin Inuyasha hunted! Oh, and so white and pure too!"
Miroku in his drunken stupor had simply the least idea on what position he was in. He had unwittingly intruded upon Sesshoumaru's resting area, and had seized the opportunity to rest on Sesshoumaru's fur-laden vest discarded on the corner of a tree.
And he was rambling. In front of this Sesshoumaru. A very Indignant Sesshoumaru. And still snuggling closer to Sesshoumaru's personal fur-vest.
But it so happened that Miroku was indeed truly and thoroughly drunk, and had no inkling that the next day he would, in fact, curse himself silly for doing the most outrageous act ever since he had coincidentally crashed into the same stream Kagome and Sango had been bathing in.
Well, the point is, one who is ignorant is not guilty, and Sesshoumaru happened to understand this fact.
"Here," Miroku signaled, patting the fur beside him.
And it also so happened that Sesshoumaru didn't mind a good heart-to-heart talk with a fellow male. After all, he had not spoken to any fully-grown, mature individual for many, many centuries. Jaken, you would say, but he is certainly not mature, not male (Sesshoumaru would not like to guess his gender), and had no rights to assert his opinion. And Sesshoumaru would like to add that Inuyasha was certainly the least mature character you can ever find. Ever.
So when a golden opportunity knocks on the door like so (Sesshoumaru dare guesses that Miroku would forget all about it when he wakes, or he would personally make him forget), one would definitely receive it with open arms, as did Sesshoumaru.
Hence, he cautiously took a seat beside the inebriated monk.
"Why are you so frowny all day, Sesshoumaru?" Okay. Forget that mature part, he is Miroku, and he happened to be drunk. Calm down. Forget that he forgot to address Sesshoumaru properly. Tolerance is key.
"Issues," He replied placidly. Indeed there had been an inclining trend of demons appearing on his territories ever since his idiot of a half-brother decided to venture west to look for the Shikon shards, not at all realizing that they happen to be the target of every single demon with the three shards in possession.
"With?" Miroku replied, again forgetting his manners, well, not that he cared.
Sesshoumaru was wondering how to put it easily across.
"Male demons, I suppose." He thought that should be sufficient, as certainly, only male demons seemed to particularly enjoy the miko's scent and the Shikon shard.
But he failed to remember the houshi was under the influence of alcohol. And he failed to remember Miroku's infamous lecherous genes and the fact that if one emptied the contents of his brains, there were all slimy black and polluted with the dirtiest porn you can imagine.
Therefore, naturally, Miroku puts one and one together, and he came up with the obvious conclusion that Sesshoumaru was having difficulty accepting his shocking discovery that perhaps, he, the Lord of the Western Lands was gay.
"Ahh…I understand, naturally, naturally." he answered reassuringly, in a sickly accommodating tone.
Now Sesshoumaru was a little confused. How could he understand when this Sesshoumaru had not explained anything in detail at all?
"You do?" He questioned, a delicate eyebrow raised.
"Of course, I can imagine the turmoil and troubles you went through…"Miroku said in a placating tone.
It seems the monk was not as brainless, as he had thought beforehand and perhaps even possessed psychic skills. He inclined his head slightly in assent. It had indeed been exhausting.
"Don't worry too much. They'll learn to understand it after sometime. Be patient."
Now Sesshoumaru was really quite perplexed. He couldn't quite comprehend what the priest was rambling on about. What was there to be patient about? But, of course, there was no way he would admit that he really couldn't understand where this conversation was heading to.
"But just so you know," Miroku continued his one-sided conversation.
Sesshoumaru was thrown off track. He could not comprehend what the monk was rambling on about, and hence opted to pause for a reply to prevent embarrassing himself and looking like a confused troll.
But to his utmost surprise, the monk had raised his voice and started singing in his deep, masculine vocals.
"If you were gay, that'd be okay –"
Now, wait a second, did he just mention that this Sesshoumaru was, GAY? He had briefly heard the miko explaining the term on one occasion where she was decoding her 'town's' slang. Apparently, it implied that a male possessed an unnaturally strong liking to the same gender. Sesshoumaru raised another eyebrow.
"What -" Tolerance…
"Now, now, you don't have to get all defensive! I can understand, considering your status and all…The social stigma, the ridicule…" He whispered in an undertone. And then he continued in that sickly singsong voice amidst Sesshoumaru's death glares and silent protests that he was not getting defensive.
"I mean 'cause HEY! I like you anyway…"
A muscle in Sesshoumaru's cheek twitched.
"Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay." And then he quickly added, "But I'm not gay."
Sesshoumaru was thinking of a suitable method to shut the monk's nonsensical mouth up.
"Houshi, you are advised to refrain from spouting any further untrue, illogical lies or this Sesshoumaru would personally ensure that your wandering hands would cease to exist after this meeting."
Miroku stared at him straight in the eye for several minutes.
"What?"
And he grinned lazily and continued. "If you were queer, I'd still be here…" Tolerance.
The monk clearly is a dimwit. His knuckles whitened as his iron-grip clenched tighter.
Once again, Miroku paid no attention to the increasingly sharp looks Sesshoumaru was shooting at him, although had begun to inch slightly away and continued singing.
"Year after year, because you're dear to meeeeee!"
There seemed to be no end to the houshi's ridiculous, and not to mention, out-of-tune singing.
"And I know that you… would accept me TOO!"
Sesshoumaru cringed. The monk should never try to raise his voice that high. It was not at all beneficial to both parties.
"If I told you today, HEY! Guess what? I'm Gay! But I'm not gay!"
Now this was beginning to make Sesshoumaru, very, very, furious. He saw no point in exclaiming that one was gay and then denying it the next second. This was a plainly unintelligent and not to mention immature conversation and Sesshoumaru abhorred stupid people.
"Cease this preposterous song right this instant!"
"Really now, you know what I'm singing about! Not to worry, not to worry! Don't get your hackles all raised up like that!"
Another muscle twitched. This Sesshoumaru would deal with him, later. Later. And so the song continued.
"I'm happy, just being with you, so why should it matter to me, what you do in bed with GUYS?"
An indescribable grunt was emitted from Sesshoumaru's mouth. His lips trembled in fury. What wouldn't he do to shut that idiotic rambling monk up! His fingernails dug further into his palm till he felt a distinct pain. He could not resist the temptation anymore.
In one swift motion, Sesshoumaru reached over and grabbed Miroku's robes ungracefully by the scuff and raised him up such that his robes hovered over the ground.
"You will cease your irrational chattering NOW!" Who cares about tolerance?
At that same precise moment Miroku had stopped singing.
"Hey, someone's getting a little violent here! There is no need to resort ungentlemanly tactics now, do we?"
He flashed Sesshoumaru a dazzling smile, showing all of his pearly white teeth.
And then suddenly he became acutely aware of his status as the Lord of the Western Lands. If a fellow inhabitant sees him exchanging violent fights over some silly meaningless song, he would lose the command he had over them. Just over a stupid song!
Tolerance is key. He slowly let Miroku onto the floor, who promptly ensured a measurable distance between himself and Sesshoumaru.
"Well…uh…" Miroku started; a cheery, huge smile still in place.
"Hn."
"If you were gay, I'd shout HOORAY!"
Had the monk just discarded what he had said to him a few seconds ago to the wind? A muscle cracked warningly.
But of course, Miroku, still heavily drunk, could hardly recall anything, and proceeded to sing.
"And here I'd stay, But I wouldn't Get In Your Way…"
Another grossly disgusting cheery smile flashed at him.
"Houshi…Don't make this Sesshoumaru repeat himself!"
"You can count on me, to always be…Beside you everyday, to tell you it's OKAY, that you were just Born That Way, and as they say, It's in your DNA, YOU'RE GAY!"
"This Sesshoumaru is not GAY! What, who, implied that this Sesshoumaru was, was, homosexual?" The mere thought of it was frightening.
Miroku was smiling once again in that nauseating manner.
"If You Were Gay!" Miroku thus ended his song, still smiling brightly at this Sesshoumaru, not at all bothering one bit that he was digging an early grave.
Sesshoumaru let out an inexplicable groan. What wouldn't he do to kill him…? However, just as Sesshoumaru reached forward once again, intending to finish him off with one slash of a sword, the said monk's eyes dilated and closed, and in a flash, he leant forward and slumped onto the ground, falling into a deep sleep.
"Hn. It would only tarnish my sword to take the life of a drunken fool!" Sesshoumaru thought to himself. Deciding to leave the scene and let the monk sleep away his drunkenness, Sesshoumaru turned his back when suddenly, he heard a twig creaking.
"Show yourself, demon, foe, or… servant!"
"Sess-Sesshoumaru-sama…" A tiny tinkling childish voice rang out.
Two tiny heads popped out of the nearby ixora bush. Sesshoumaru frowned. He wondered how long they had been eavesdropping…
"Stupid human, I told you to watch your step! Now you have let the cat out of the – What a wonderful evening, my Lord, Rin and I were just enjoying the sunset…"
Sesshoumaru glanced around at the pitch-dark forest and the endlessly black sky emblazoned with tiny dots of light, twinkling.
"You meant to say, prowling around in business not of your concern when Rin ought to be asleep?"
"Forgive me, Sesshoumaru-sama! I ought to be slain a hundred times!" Jaken croaked, falling onto his knees and begging for his life.
"Hn."
Careful to mention about his quaint meeting, Sesshoumaru led the way back to their campsite, still worried that Jaken and Rin had taken in more than they were supposed to. Jaken would pay dearly, should that unfortunately happen.
As the early sunlight filtered through the canopy next morning, Rin approached him with a somewhat confounded expression on her innocent face.
"Sesshoumaru-sama, I don't understand something. Could I ask you a question?"
Sesshoumaru had a foreboding sense that he did not want to hear the question…
"What does it mean to be gay? Am I gay? Are you gay? Is it good to be gay?"
Sesshoumaru pursed his lips. Oh, Jaken would get it from him later. Currently, he had to find a way to answer Rin's question…
Gay means to be jovial and happy, yes that was it, he would tell her that…
A little while later, Rin suddenly shouts, "I love being gay, don't you, Sesshoumaru-sama, don't you?"
Sesshoumaru could only grunt in reply.