Chapter 7-

An inevitable reality

…

Today couldn't be more beautiful with the sun showering radiance over the lush green grass. It was the kind of day that had just the right amount of clouds in the sky to keep the weather relatively warm but not hot. What better day to picnic on?

-(Baba Doi, Uno Ton)-

D- "He's on to us."

T- "But why; we haven't done anything bad."

D- "We're meddling in the club's business—that's bad. In fact…I think he kind of made it known the other day…"

Flashback!

"Ah! Oo—ootori-san, what are you doing here?" I almost jumped out of my chair upon seeing the silently plotting man in spectacles. I couldn't see Ootori-san's eyes with the light reflecting off his glasses, and I was glad. In the back of my head, I held a strange belief that I would die if I looked him directly in the eye.

When did he come in? Only I, the almighty Baba Doi can enter the control room. It's my little private place to edit. Now seriously…when did he come in? I can only hope it was after I played an orchestra with my um…flatulence—for fun. Hey it gets boring sometimes…

T- "Ew. That's disgusting man. Ugh…no wonder why it smells like rotten eggs…"

D- "Look it was just that one time okay? Can we go back to the flashback?"

So then he basically demanded to see the tapes, without raising his voice, or saturating coercion into his tone. Well, the point is, I succumbed to his magical spell over me.

D- "(Mouth quivering, close to tears) do you know what he said?"

T- "It smells bad?"

D- "No!"

"This won't work," He said candidly. I asked him why, and his answers shot through me like poisonous arrows. He made me want to eat my words and regret ever stepping foot into the Third Music Room. "It's poorly documented, poorly filmed, and poorly edited. It's a poor idea in general." That was it. I think he went easy on me too. He got up and left me tears.

D- "(Sniffling)"

T- "And you're still crying…C'mon Doi, you knew it was coming."

D- "B-but he didn't have to say all those mean things! (Sob)" (E)

The Host Club was picnicking outside on the rollicking fields of cheery sun-kissed grass. It was a bit hot underneath the 19th century European outerwear, but the Host Club must not make it apparent. 19th century European outerwear meant men in tights—something very popular amongst the customers of the Host Club. It also meant fancy hats with feathers—Tamaki liked those.

"Tamaki-kun, if only you loved me as much as you love art!" A female customer cuddles up to Tamaki.

"Art is my passion, but you—you are my love," Tamaki hypnotizes her with a loving gaze.

"I'm sorry, your time's up. You may queue up again," Kyouya politely directs, trafficking Tamaki's customers.

There were lines everywhere. A line for alone time with Tamaki, a line for a portrait hand drawn by Honey-sempai…

"And a little of this…and a dab of this, and I'm done!" Honey turns the portrait towards the customer, and beams proudly.

"Um...it…it's cute," the customer studies the drawing peculiarly. A stick figure with an egg-like head the size of a melon with curly brown frizzes lining the top of the head. Oh, and who could miss those red, bee-stung sized lips. She just didn't have the heart to tell him, and she really couldn't with Mori-sempai giving 'no' signals in the background.

Honey hands her the portrait, still beaming. "You don't like it?" Honey droops down a few degrees.

"No! I love it! It looks just like me!" the customer assures, not wanting to make the 18 year old boy cry.

-(Female Customer)-

"(Close to tears, squeaking a pitch higher per word) Do I really look like that?"

Uno Ton- "Hey! You're not supposed to be here!" (E)

"Hikaru, father is beginning to suspect our relationship. We should stop seeing each other so often!" Kaoru dramatically turns his back towards his brother.

"No, Kaoru! It's too late. I can't stop seeing you, not after what we shared last night!" Hikaru wraps his arms around Kaoru from the back, resting his chin on his shoulders.

-(Hitachiin Hikaru, Hitachiin Kaoru)-

H- "We shared a pizza last night."

K- "We didn't want our dad to know."

H- "He's been suspecting us for weeks."

K- "But in the end, he found out, and we ended up having to share the last slice with him." (E)

"I'm so hungry," the cameraman grumbles, rubbing his protesting stomach. "I wish I had a burrito…"

Its 3 pm and lunch has already settled and made itself into waste waiting to be dumped. The Host Club served cute little delicacies, and the cameraman did not want to be ridiculed for gobbling up their fancy chicken scratch. In fact, he knew the Hitachiin demons would appear out of no where, and make him feel like a hippo the moment he lays a finger on the food. But darn; he's hungry and he can't help it—he has more cells than anyone out here, so he needs more food to convert to energy to satisfy those cells. He wasn't about to ravage their food supply. No, he'll show those demonic brothers.

"Ooh a burrito!" Uno Ton fawns, leaving his camera on a tripod for the burrito on a picnic basket. "Oh, that Baba Doi; he must've known I get hungry right around this time." The cameraman reaches out for the burrito.

Yoink!

A duck claims it.

"Give it back, I saw it first!" the cameraman attempts to grab the black duck.

"Quick, Kaoru, we have to get this on tape!" Hikaru and Kaoru run over to the camera, and face it towards Uno Ton and the duck.

"I'll call it 'Fat man wants his burrito back'," Kaoru holds the camera, following Ton as he stalks a duck.

…

"Eh?" Haruhi stares intently at a strange flashing light penetrating the surface of the pond from underneath. The tights they made her wear were uncomfortable. She didn't want to sit down and endure the stretching and tightening of the tights so she chose to stand. She has been staring at that light for the past few minutes. She couldn't really think of why there would be a light down there. Unless of course, the rich people decide that ponds need underwater lights so the blind fishies wouldn't bump into each other.

"Ah, my hat!" She turns around to see what Tamaki was fussing about. Apparently a gust of wind had blown his favorite fancy peacock feather hat into the air.

"Haruhi!"

What now? Haruhi turns to the voice of origin, and the next thing she saw before falling into the cold murky pond was Uno Ton lunging towards the duck that just went into the pond.

Well at least she finally found out what that light was…Just a flashlight tied to a string with a rock to keep it underneath the surface. What the heck.

"Look at him…still after that duck…" Kaoru was in awe.

"If he didn't have so much baggage, he could be on par with Olympic gold medalists," Hikaru realizes in amazement.

Haruhi drags herself out of the pond. Not only are her tights clinging to her skin even more, but now her top is heavily absorbed in icky pond water.

"I'm going home early," she excuses herself. Suddenly a hat lands upon her head—a hat with feathers.

"Not so fast, young one!" Tamaki strikes a dramatic 'stop-pose'. "The Club activity must go on!" He huddles up with the drenched Haruhi as if letting her on a secret. "I've prepared a backup costume for you back in the Third Music Room."

"But I'm all wet…can't I go home early, just this once?" Haruhi negotiates.

"Aw…that's too bad, because we were going to bring out the caviar and the Éclairs...and your favorite…"

"Otoro?" Haruhi asks hopefully. Tamaki nods his head pleasingly.

"But it's too bad you'll be going," Tamaki mocks a sigh of remorse.

"Fine, I'll go change…"

"Ah good boy," Tamaki walks back to his customers.

"I got it!" Uno Ton raises the soggy burrito in the air, and does a victory dance in the water.

"Ah…I can see through his shirt…" Kaoru turns away in horror.

"And his man-boobs when he jumps…" Hikaru cringes.

"Ugh…" the twins agree.

"It's soggy…NOOOO!" The cameraman cries in realization. With his tail between his legs, he crawls out of the pond with the dead burrito in hand.

"You should go change," the twins suggest, covering their own eyes from the grisly sight of the cameraman in a wet t-shirt.

"You guys are so superficial!" Uno Ton bawls, running off in tears.

…

Uno Ton marched up to the changing room of the Third Music Room so that he could dry up and change. He pulled open the curtains revealing a woman in a tank top, struggling to put the top of her costume on. Once her head fought its way out of the costume, Uno Ton gave out a high pitched, horror-movie-esque scream.

"Oh My GOD, you're Haruhi!" Uno Ton points and continues to scream. Tamaki and the rest of the Host Club appear.

"What happened, were you screaming Haruhi?" Tamaki asks the fully dressed Haruhi.

"No, he's been screaming the moment he walked in…" Haruhi clarifies.

"What happened?" Honey inquires.

"He's a girl!" Uno Ton squeaks out in his high pitched manner. "AH!" He continues to scream until he faints.

…

-(Suoh Tamaki, Fujioka Haruhi)-

T- "So…he found out about you being a girl…"

H- "Mm hm…"

T- "Did he see anything? Did he take advantage of you? Did a very pleasing emotion overcome his face? Just tell me! I'll kill him!"

H- "No, he didn't."

T- "Are…are you sure?"

H- "I told you, he began to scream. He was horrified." (E)

-(Morinozuka Takashi, Haninozuka Mitsukuni)-

M- "You think Mr. Cameraman is alright?"

T- "He'll be fine."

M- "But when he fainted, I heard his head knock onto the floor."

T- "He'll be fine."

M- "Saa…I wonder what'll happen…" (E)

-(Hitachiin Hikaru, Hitachiin Kaoru)-

H- "Wow, Big Ton has got to have the weirdest reactions…"

K- "Oh, I know. I know why he reacted like that…"

H- "Why?"

K- "Because Big Ton has never seen a woman almost a quarter naked, so when he saw Haruhi today, it must have surprised him because he's never even been that close to any woman before in his life."

H- "Oh, I have a better reason! When he was young, his mother was very scary, and fierce. The only memory he has of her is when she forces him to drink her breast milk. From then on, he became traumatized—in that whenever he sees a woman's bodice, even if it's just the collarbone, he gets scared."

K- "Wow that's pretty good…but can you beat this one...?" (E)

-(Ootori Kyouya)-

"(Sitting cross-legged, arms folded across chest)…Ja. (Smirk. Gets up and leaves)" (E)

…

Uno Ton blinks himself awake, adjusting his eyes to the light.

"How long have I been out…?" Uno Ton struggles to sit upright. After 2 unsuccessful attempts, he lays flat on the bed in defeat. "Ugh it feels like a week passed."

"Actually, it's only been 10 minutes…" Baba Doi points to the clock. "What happened?"

Seeing that it was just the two of them, Ton beckons Doi to lean in for a secret.

"Haruhi…is actually a girl." Uno Ton whispers.

The inconspicuous curtains opened, revealing none other than the Host Club, who deliberately eavesdropped. They were shaking their heads in their 'shame-on-you' manner.

"Ton-ton can't be trusted after all…" Honey looks at the cameraman in disappointment.

"I guess it's just as you predicted, Kyouya." Tamaki sighs distressfully.

"And to think we actually treated you good, jiggles…" the twins shrug.

"What…what are you talking about?" Uno Ton asked quizzically.

"You found out about Fujioka's secret and was very indiscreet in handling it." Kyouya explains.

"Indiscreet? I didn't tell anyone…except Doi…but Doi is good at keeping secrets, right Doi?" Doi makes an imaginary zipping motion across his mouth and throws away the imaginary key. "See?"

"I think indiscreet meant more of when you screamed so loud, we received a complaint from St. Lobelia…" Haruhi corrects.

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to return all copies of the tapes you have filmed of the Host Club. Our partnership is terminated from this point on. Any leak of information will result in massive regret to your party, so if I were you, I would not try to get even." Kyouya sums up.

"Oh…I get it…you just want us out, don't you?" Uno Ton accuses. "I could've kept that secret if you asked me to!"

"Oh no, Uno Ton…you're bad at keeping secrets. Remember the time you found out that I had a crush on that pigtail girl that sits in front of me in math class? You blurt it out to her, and she moved out of the country…" Baba Doi recalls, his tone turning shaky towards the end.

"Doi!" Ton yells at him in a whisper.

"Oh, I'm sorry Ton…" Doi scratches the back of his head in embarrassment.

"You—you know what? I've had just about enough of this treatment!" Uno Ton scrambled out of the couch he was resting upon. "And you guys," he points to the Hitachiin Twins, "have never treated me 'good'".

"Yea! We quit, and you guys can take the trash—or should I say tapes!" Baba Doi riveted himself up.

"Doi…you're insulting yourself and me…" Uno Ton whispers.

"Oh...right, right. Those are precious…can we keep them?" Baba Doi asks.

"No." Kyouya answers in a split second.

"Of course…" Baba Doi nods.

"I guess we'll just be on our way…" Uno Ton tugs at Baba Doi to go. Mori stood at the door, preventing them from leaving. The two turn around, to find that in less than a second, the room has turned into cathedral, and Tamaki became a priest standing before a scaffold, holding the holy bible.

"Uno Ton, Baba Doi, do your swear to secrecy upon the Holy Bible?" A Strange light shone down from the ceiling.

"Uh…" the pair began.

"Three fingers swear please…" Tamaki demonstrates.

"Wait…why do we have to do this?" Uno Ton asks incredulously.

"Oh…because if you don't…then we don't have any choice but to invite the school to see this oh-so entertaining tape…" Hikaru pulls a tape out from the back.

"What's that…?" Uno Ton gazes suspiciously at the tape and attempts to grab it, but fails.

"How about you see for yourself…" Kaoru pops the tape in and the screen of the television lit up.

"Give me back my burrito, you stupid duck!" Uno Ton on the screen was trailing behind and screaming at the duck. He was heaving and panting, pointing at the duck, but he couldn't speak. The duck seemed to stop and wait for him to catch up.

Kaoru stops the tape. "Do you want to continue? A little later, there's this take where you got so happy when you got the burrito that you made out with the duck—"

"We swear to secrecy, before the Holy Bible." Uno Ton and Baba Doi swore, raising three fingers in the air.

…

After exchanging tapes with the Host Club, Baba Doi and Uno Ton walked across the new race track.

"For some reasons…it feels like all that happened today was planned…" Uno Ton sat down on the grass to rest. He gasps. "Oh my God, do you think Ootori set me up?"

"No," Baba Doi gasps. "He didn't! Did he?"

"You think he did all that deliberately?" Uno Ton rubs his chin. "And trained that duck to steal the burrito you sent me?"

"I never sent you a burrito." Baba Doi denies. Both of them gasp.

"Well…nothing we could do…" Uno Ton shrugs. "What do we do now?"

"Find someone else to videotape?" Baba Doi suggests.

"You mean like that suddenly unpopular car racer…" Uno Ton points to the boy sitting on the stands.

"Yea, then we can make a moving documentary about him and make our club known to all of Ouran!" Baba Doi enthusiastically plans.

…

-(Suoh Tamaki)-

"Well…I'm really going to miss this…but I guess Kyouya is right. We can't let our customers see this. We've given out too many secrets in these commentaries…"

Fujioka Haruhi- "Sempai, you do realize that the camera is not there anymore and that you're pretty much talking to a wall...right?"

…

A/N-

That's the end. Not as funny as the other chapters but definitely longer than any other. This actually took up 9-10 pages on Microsoft word. I'm very proud of myself. Now that I have this last chapter off my chest, I think it's about time I start on my real assignments that I have not touched since it was handed out on the last day of school…

Thank you readers for reading it to the end

I apologize for the extremely long wait. Hope to see you next time, on my next story!