"...Mikuru, what are you doing in there? You look ridiculous!"

"Tsu... Tsuruya-san..."

With each step, Tsuruya's long, green, ankle-length hair swished behind her back. The fading, orange light that filtered in from the club room windows from the day's sunset gave her an almost angelic glow, though angel she was not. Her eyes were set firmly on Mikuru in her awkward spot. It just so happened that the other girl was just two inches above the ground and not happy. Regardless, Tsuruya gave a broad smile. Poking out of her upper lip was her characteristically large right canine.

"C'mon, Mikuru! Everyone's gone home, you idiot. We're practically the last people here, 'cept for some of the more intense clubs. But those are hardcore losers, so you have to go."

Tsuruya stuck her hand out to the girl.

"C'mon, c'mon!"

"Tsuruya-san... I'm stuck."

Tsuruya bent down on her knees. Cramped within a small cabinet space and staring right back at her was Mikuru Asahina, in her maid outfit she wore after school in the SOS Brigade's club room. Her position was something like this: head in, arms behind, knees out, and chest out. Her reddish hair was draped over her shoulders and chest towards the floor. Tear stains marked her cheeks and her eyes were damp and puffy from crying. In other words, she looked pitiful.

Pitiful was kinda funny. It was sorta funny. Funny enough, anyway, to make Tsuruya break out into an enormous grin. She stood up, her left eye and cheek twitching as she did so.

She chuckled, wincing. "You're stuck? Mikuru, you serious?" Tsuruya forced herself into a neutral expression. "You gotta be kidding me, there's no way you could be..."

Frowning, Mikuru nodded. She squirmed in her space, but it was apparent that any effort she made would be futile.

Futile was even funnier.

"Kkk..." Holding her stomach in an effort to restrain herself, Tsuruya clenched her teeth down hard. She could feel her canine grinding into her lower teeth.

She was trying too hard, wasn't she?

"Nya ha ha ha! You're stuck!" Tsuruya laughed, still clutching the cloth around her stomach, and pointed at Mikuru. "Ha ha ha! You got stuck in there! How the hell did you get in there, anyway? Ha ha ha ha!"

Tears poured down from Mikuru's eyes.

"Tsuruya-san... stop laughing at me..." she mumbled, half-knowing that she wasn't going to be heard due to Tsuruya's deafening laughter.

Tsuruya turned around so that her back was facing Mikuru, doubled over, gripped her head, teared up, anything to make the laughter stop.

"Ha ha ha..." With a wide, dopey, half-lidded smile, Tsuruya turned back to Mikuru. "So sorry," she said, still chuckling. "It's just..." she snickered, shutting her eyes and holding her head, "I'm really sorry, nyoro. I'm not worthy of your forgiveness, Asahina-sama." She gripped her skirts and made a mock bow.

Mikuru frowned even deeper. Was Tsuruya trying to make fun of her?

After finally regaining her composure, Tsuruya sat back down on the floor. Only Mikuru's eyes could follow her.

"All right, Mikuru. What's up?" she asked, looking far more interested and inquisitive. "I know there's something wrong here and Suzumiya has everything to do with it, doesn't she?"

"I'm stuck in this cabinet space. Suzumiya-san forced me in here, and then..."

"And then what? She left you?" Tsuruya had her usual smile plastered on her face; it was standard Tsuruya behavior to smile even when Mikuru was being horribly abused, or any other time for that matter.

"Well, she said it was punishment," Mikuru explained. "Punishment for, um..." She glanced down. "Actually, I don't know."

"Sounds like Suzumiya-san," said Tsuruya cheerfully. "Uh, um, so she just left you there after that?"

"Well... no. After that, she forced everyone out of the club room, blindfolded them, and dragged them somewhere. She told me whoever could find me first would be promoted."

Tsuruya gave a nasty smile. "Promoted to what?" she snickered.

Mikuru shrugged, despite the uncomfortable position she was in. "I don't know. She just said they'd be promoted. But..."

Tsuruya tilted her head and scratched her scalp, confused. "Then what'd they do? Just forget about you and leave you here?"

Whimpering, Mikuru gave a half-nod. "I think so... If you say it's this late... Then they must have given up. And of course Suzumiya-san wouldn't get me out of here. If she even knows how... Oh, and she bound my hands and feet to make sure I couldn't get out."

"Sounds like something she'd do."

Tsuruya sighed. "Ha..." Then she gave a fierce, lopsided smile so that her protruding tooth was even more prominent. "Well, we'll have t' get you outta there, right, Mikuru?"

"I guess so..."

Tsuruya stood up, turned her head to the side so that her hair swished one way or another, and folded her arms, her smile broadening. Perfect Suzumiya impersonation, Mikuru thought, if only there wasn't so much hair in the way.

Tsuruya leaned over the cabinet in the back of the club room with a discerning eye. She gave it a kick.

"Mm... Wood. Sturdy." She smiled and shrugged, putting her hands out behind her back and resting her head against her arms. "I wouldn't be able to break this thing if I wanted to."

Mikuru stared down at the floor, desolate. She sighed.

Tsuruya tilted her head down from her current position. "Oh, don't worry, Mikuru, I'm definitely gonna getcha outta there." She stuck her tongue out. "I'm not that mean!"

"How?" the girl in the maid outfit asked. "It's more difficult to pull something out than to wedge it in... Not to mention you may break something in the process..."

"Hmm? So? It's not my club, ha ha ha!" Tsuruya laughed.

Mikuru frowned, angry. "Hey, Tsuruya-san!"

"I know, I know." Tsuruya bent down on her knees again. "But I'm not a fireman, y' know?" She looked outside. "Now that I mention it, we should probably get a professional to get you out of there..."

"Yeah..." murmured Mikuru.

Tsuruya broke out into a broad, open-mouthed smile again. "But it's more fun if we do ourselves!"

"More... fun?" whispered Mikuru.

Tsuruya grinned. "Not just fun; megas-fun!"

Mikuru slumped into her chest.

Oh geez.

Tsuruya sat down on the ground. "OK, here's the deal, Mikuru. Your head takes up a lotta space and your chest does, too, though apparently Suzumiya-san made it so that your chest is sticking out of the space usually reserved for the door, and why the door's wide open."

Mikuru reddened. "Are you serious...?"

"Serious-serious," she replied with a nod. "I'm not kidding. I wouldn't be able to close the door with those things, either, nyoro."

"Tsuruya-san..."

"And your knees are sticking out as well. In this position, well, yeah, your chest and your knees would be the most prominent, since your arms are behind your back. You're bound, but you're not gagged, so just be happy you can still even speak."

"I know, Suzumiya went easy on me this time, didn't she?" asked Mikuru with those big, sad eyes.

"Yeah, sure," Tsuruya patted Mikuru on the section of the top of her head that was sticking out. "Good way to think of it."

Mikuru felt like a puppy... Not necessarily a good thing, either.

"I could yank you out knees first; it'd hurt a lot less than trying to pull you out head first..."

Mikuru nodded. "Try that then, Tsuruya-san."

So, there they were, two second-year schoolgirls in a club room, one with her hands on the other's lower legs trying her best to get her out of a literal "tight space." Needless to say, if anyone passed by and looked through the window of the room's door, it would be quite an interesting sight.

"Waah! Tsuruya-san, that hurts, that hurts!"

"Tchya! Quit your wailing, Mikuru, people are gonna get the wrong idea!"

"I can't help it! It hurts!"

Tsuruya groaned and sighed, letting go of Mikuru's legs. The SOS Brigade member was still stuck in that cabinet, though Tsuruya figured she put enough pressure on Mikuru's legs to make it a bit easier to get the rest of her out. That is, she wasn't going to try body-part-by-body-part anymore.

"All right. You feel any pressure coming from the legs, Mikuru?"

"Wha...? Ah, I guess so. They're sort of pressed up against the front where the wood is supposed to meet the door to cover up the empty space. It's building up, too, so they're slipping..."

Tsuruya rubbed the back of her neck. "Bah. Figures. One more try before we call faculty or firemen or something," she said. "I'll just give you a few tugs and see if you pop out or not. Though..." she paused, "though, if you do, you're probably going to come flying out."

"Tsuruya-san... are you sure this is safe?"

"'Course not, nyoro. But if you'd rather I leave you there overnight, then I can do that too."

"Please don't!"

She smiled smugly and shrugged. "If it suits you, Mikuru."

So began the process of tugging.

"Mm... here and here." Tsuruya hooked one arm around Mikuru's neck and the other behind her knees. "OK. Tell me if I'm choking you, OK, Mikuru?"

"A-all right. I will."

"OK, OK. One..."

Mikuru whimpered.

"Two..."

"Please go easy on me, Tsuruya-san..."

"Three! Uryaa!"

"Heee!"

Whoosh!

Red, purple, orange, brown, green, white, and hints of blue swirled around in an amalgam of colors for what seemed like forever, until there was a wham, Tsuruya's head slammed against the leg of a nearby table, and Mikuru sustained a sense of self-awareness while still being bound like a roast pig on Tsuruya's lap.

"Reminds me of the time machine..." Mikuru sighed, unable to do much with all four limbs tied, and hurriedly glanced up at Tsuruya to ensure that she was still conscious.

Tsuruya was staring dazedly at the ground. Mikuru wasn't sure how hard she had hit the table, but it sounded painful enough to make her start panicking.

"Tsu-Tsuruya-san! Tsuruya-san! Tell me you're all right!"

Her head dipped. She narrowed her eyes, blinked once, and then her hand went to the back of her head.

"Crap... That hurt. Real bad. Megas-bad." She clenched her teeth, rubbing the undeniable bump on her head, and groaned. "Remind me not to do stupid things like that again, nyoro."

Mikuru's big, scared eyes stared right back at her, though the fact that she was tied up, face down... and dressed like a maid, like some sort of crazy eroge game, lessened the impact by a lot.

Tsuruya's frown flipped completely over and grew twice the size. "Pshh... It worked, Mikuru?"

"Eh?"

"It worked! It worked! Ha ha! I'd never think in a million years something that rash and stupid would work! Nya ha ha ha ha!" Tsuruya was at it again, clutching her stomach as her laughter filled the whole entire room.

Mikuru stared at the ground and gave half a smile. She supposed there was no way to make Tsuruya stop, so she'd wait until it all died down before saying anything else. After all, she owed her something in return after saving her from a night of utter pain, torture, and agony.

"Ha ha ha... Oh boy," Tsuruya closed her mouth, giving a broad smile. She looked down at Mikuru. "Let's get rid of those bonds before I forget, Mikuru."

"Thank you, Tsuruya-san."

"Ooh, geez, they're like sailor's knots or something! Did Suzumiya read up on a book about knots just for this occasion, or something? Or maybe she was a Girl Scout... Mm... Mm... There. Done. Ow. My hands hurt."

Mikuru sat up, not noticing she was still sitting on Tsuruya's lap, and looked at her.

"Um... Uh... Well, thank you again, Tsuruya-san. I don't know what I would've done without you."

Tsuruya blinked at her. "Huh?" Then she smiled a real, honest smile, nothing too big or too small, just right. "Oh! No need to thank me, Mikuru. That's what friends are for."

"Oh?"

"Hmm?"

Mikuru tugged at her skirts. "I should get changed."

Tsuruya looked down at them. "Well, all right. I'll let you change, then. I gotta get home anyway, nyoro."

"Oh. OK. Bye, Tsuruya-san."

Her mouth was set in a straight line as she strained her neck. "Er, Mikuru..."

"What is it?"

"You're still sittin' on me is what. Oh, right, and the ones on your legs. Lemme get those."

After Mikuru was freed of both her bonds, she was left staring and rubbing at the painful red marks on her wrists and ankles.

"Uwah... They hurt..." she moaned.

"Rope burns, huh? I'm betting they do. Put some stuff on it before you forget, OK? I gotta get moving now, else I won't be able to finish my homework." Tsuruya got up, picked her bag up from inside the room, and waved goodbye to Mikuru, who was still leaning against the table, red-faced and achy all over.

Tsuruya stopped at the door. "Hey, you OK there, Mikuru? You don't look that good."

Mikuru slumped back against the table. "I believe I should be... I mean, if I can't, I won't be able to endure any other abuse Suzumiya-san sends my way, right?"

Tsuruya blinked, reluctant. "Uh... I guess so. Interesting way to put it." She brightened up again. "Well, anyway, if you say so, then see you tomorrow!" She flashed her shiny white teeth and then bound down the hallway, slamming the door shut as she left.

Mikuru stared at the doorway for a while. That Tsuruya... It all seemed too surreal. Had it really just happened? She left just as suddenly as she had come in, and there was zero-to-no evidence that she had been in there at all, not even a strand of hair.

Mikuru glanced at her uniform hanging on the rack. Maid, waitress, cheerleader, bunny girl, some others she couldn't remember, and the sexual harassment that came along with them... It was the unending Torture of Mikuru Asahina. Yes. It sounded perfect for a novel. Maybe even a light novel series. It would sell thousands of copies world round. Especially in America. Mm-hmm, Americans liked that sort of stuff almost as much as the Japanese. Creeps. Sickos. Bastards.

Mikuru removed her hat (Or was it a hat?), took off the apron, and slowly began to undo the buttons at the front of her dress, revealing the soft, white... She stopped, frowning.

Something didn't seem quite right here. Was someone watching her?

---

A/N: (Yes, that's the end, no there's no continuation.) All right, all right. Clearing a couple things up here: novel Tsuruya calls Haruhi Suzumiya "Haruhi-nyan," apparently getting along with her very well. However, Novel Tsuruya also doesn't use "megas," at least from the translations I've read, and since everyone seems to have an extended right canine in Ito's drawings, that doesn't stick out as something notable for her. Consider this Tsuruya a mainly anime Tsuruya, since you don't seem much of her in the anime anyway, and, uh, yeah. Everything else pretty much explains itself.