Crack Killz
Chapter 1: Shinn and Lacus-Attack Of The Evil Haros!
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from GS/D, but if I did things like this would happen!
Okay people, this is a crack fic, and I must remind you that CRACK KILLS! DON'T DO CRACK! Ahem, anyways, this is basically a bunch of one-shots with some very odd couples. Thus the name…anyways, first up on my list is… (Drum roll please)…SHINN AND LACUS! Crazy huh? Well, here we go!
"Fields of hope," Lacus sang as she prepared lunch for her husband, Shinn. Said man was sitting on the couch watching TV.
Lacus began humming her latest hit single while Shinn was watching a war movie, he was at the part where stuff started exploding and people started dieing. Ironic, isn't it?
"Hey hun, are you sure you don't wanna watch this movie with me? It's getting to the good part!" Shinn called. "No thanks, I need to find the remaining Haros you haven't destroyed yet and hide them form you-I mean-clean the house!" she called back.
He twitched and she sweat dropped. "Uhhh, here you go honey! I love you!" she said and shoved the bowl of macaroni and cheese into his hands. Yum, mac and cheese!
He shrugged and started shoveling food into his mouth while watching people get blown up into a million pieces.
You'd think he'd be reminded of his family and how they died, but nope, Lacus took care of that! Can you say BRAINWASHED!? Oh yeah! Ahem, sorry.
Lacus continued humming as she searched their unnecessarily large mansion for the few haros Shinn hadn't destroyed yet. It wasn't because she still loved Athrun; she just thought they were cute and cuddly.
Shinn however thought they were evil and since Athrun made them they had to be evil and so he started smashing them all with a baseball bat after the pink one pounced on him, or so he said.
"I can't believe how he could think you little guys were evil! You're so cute!" Lacus said sweetly and cuddled with a blue haro. "Haro! Haro!" it called and blinked at her happily. She smiled and giggled.
"Now, where to hide you so he doesn't find and destroy you…?" She said to herself and looked around the room. "Aha! He never goes in the basement! I knew it was a good idea to make him afraid of monsters down there!" she said almost evilly as she ran down the stairs and into the basement and set the haro down on the cold ground.
"Haro! Haro!" it called out to her, afraid. "Don't worry, once I get more of you down here you guys can fix the place up and have a party! As long as Shinn-chan doesn't hear, of course!" she told it.
She walked back up the stairs and continued her search.
After half an hour she successfully saved five more haros and put them in the basement where they started bouncing around and "talking" to one another.
She let out a huge sigh of accomplishment and smiled to herself. She went back to the living room where Shinn's movie was ending.
She quietly picked up the empty bowl of food and went into the kitchen. She was washing it and humming again when she heard a shriek and a crash. She gasped when she heard the small mechanical voice shout, "Haro!"
She rushed into the living room to see Shinn grab his baseball bat and charge after a yellow haro while yelling.
"Wait! Shinn! Don't hurt Mr. Yellow!" she called and ran after him. She caught him in the small den with his bat raised as the yellow haro quivered in the corner.
"Shinn! Bad Shinn! Sit boy! Drop the bat! Drop it!" Lacus commanded like he was a dog. He turned around and raised an eyebrow, and then went back to raising his bat to slam down on the poor, helpless haro.
"Shinn!" Lacus screamed and hugged him from the back. "Lacus let go! Must destroy! DIE EVIL HARO!" he yelled. "Will you stop acting so childish!? It's just a small defenseless mechanical ball! It never did anything to hurt you!" she cried.
"That pink one attacked me! They all attacked me one time or another! They all must die!" he yelled and brought down the bat. "No!" Lacus cried again and stopped the bat with her hands.
"Lacus! Let me kill it!" he said angrily. "No! How could you think these cute little things were evil?" she asked and pouted. "Because they attacked me! When you're not around it's like they go into evil robot mode!" he told her.
"Oh well! That's no reason to bash it with a baseball bat! I'm ashamed of you, Shinn, I thought you knew better." She said and crossed her arms.
He twitched. "What do you mean? I'm a trained killing machine. Whether it's destroying a gundam, killing a natural, or bashing a haro, it makes no difference, I was trained to kill and that's what I'll do." He said calmly and almost robotically.
She sighed and slid her hand over her face. "Shinn, just leave the poor thing alone!" she begged. "It won't leave me alone! It broke the TV!" he whined like a child trying to blame the dog for knocking over the expensive vase.
Lacus groaned. "Shinn, how many times have I told you to calm down and think about things rationally? Find your peace, your center, focus on that, breathe deeply-You're not breathing deeply, I SAID BREATHE DEEPLY DARN IT!-Thank you, now, close your eyes and calm down, clear your mind, and give me the baseball bat." She told him.
He growled and then handed over the bat while glaring at the haro. "You shall pay with your life once she leaves to go shopping! Away!" he said, but he mouthed it differently so it was like watching a Japanese movie with English voiceovers. Then he pointed to the door and "flew" away.
Lacus watched with an odd expression and then slid her hand over her face again while sighing. "You'd think he'd be the most mature one out of all of us, but nope, he's the most childish." She said and picked up the yellow haro.
"I'm sorry about that Mr. Yellow; Shinn-chan is a little crazy. I'll put you in the basement with the others okay?" she told the mechanical ball of joy and destruction.
"Haro!" it said happily.
She hummed again as she set the haro down on the floor, she was halfway up the stairs when she twitched and looked back. There was only one haro in the basement; Mr. Yellow.
She slowly turned and looked up, and sure enough, there went Mr. Pink, leading the rest of the haros to "Find and destroy Shinn", as they said in their mechanical little voices.
She gasped and ran the rest of the way up to see them bouncing towards the room Shinn was currently in.
"EEEK!" she squeaked and ran after them. "Mr. Pink! Come with me back into the basement! Mr. Blue, Mr. Red, Mr. Purple, please come back with me!" she called after them.
"No way, must destroy Shinn! Must destroy Shinn! Shinn must die! Must destroy Shinn!" they chanted and continued bouncing toward the room where the unknowing man was head-banging and playing air-guitar to the rock blaring over the radio.
She was at the door of the room and screamed, "SHINN LOOK OUT!" right before the haros pounced on him. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed like a girl as the haros piled on top of him.
When the dust cleared all Lacus could see of her beloved and crazy husband was a twitching arm amidst a pile of colorful haros.
"Oh dear! Haros! Bad haros! Back to the basement! All of you! You've done a very bad thing!" she chastised them and they bounced sadly back to the basement.
Shinn's arm was still twitching and his eyes were swirling around and his mouth was open.
"Shinn, are you okay?" she asked softly as she knelt beside him and helped him sit up.
He shook his head a few times and then looked normal. He blinked. He looked at her. She tried to smile at him reassuringly. He blinked again.
"Who are you?" he asked with a blank expression.
"Uhhh, I'm your wife, Lacus." She replied uneasily with an unsure expression. He blinked again.
"What's a Lacus?" he asked again and blinked innocently.
Lacus did an anime face-drop and laid there twitching. He poked her. "Hello?" he asked. Just then a Haro appeared at the door, it was Mr. Pink.
"Why is it twitching?" Shinn asked Mr. Pink. "I dunno, wanna go play?" it asked in its mechanical voice. "Sure!" Shinn replied and got up.
"Bye, I'm Your Wife Lacus! Have fun twitching on the ground like road kill! I'm off to play with the wonderfully joyous haros who wouldn't hurt a fly!" he called to her and then skipped off with the other haros.
Lacus still lay there, twitching. It was quiet for a while until she heard a yelp and then: "STUPID EVIL HAROS! DIE! YOU BRAINWASHING, MANIPULATING, LACUS-KILLING, TWO-FACED LITTLE MONSTERS FROM HELL!!!! CURSE YOU ATHRUN ZALA FOR BUILDING THESE ACCURSED BALLS OF CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION!!!!!"
'Oh Lord.'
And we all know Athrun is snickering in a nearby bush, grinning to himself and rubbing his hands together evilly like an angry, angry scientist!!!!
OH NO! WATCH OUT FOR THE HAROS! THEY'RE COMING FOR ME!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! BAD EVIL HAROS!!!!! STAY AWAY!!!!!! LACUS!!!!!!!!!! CURSE YOU ATHRUN ZALA!!!!!! CRACK KILLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!
-Author's Note: Ahem (coughing). Soooo, was that funny or what??? I know, cracktastically delicious is more like it, but you can tell me what you think by pressing the purple button, see it? In the corner? It wants you to press it, you must do what it commands or a pack of evil haros will attack you! OH NO! THEY'RE COMING FOR ME AGAIN!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!-