CAST
Narrator - Al-Cid
Princess Aurora - Fran
Prince Philip - Balthier
King Stefan - Basch
Queen - Vossler
King Hubert - Dr. Cid
Flora - Ashe
Fauna - Penelo
Merriweather - Vaan
Malificent - Vayne
The Crow - Judge Gabranth
Sampson the Horse - Chocobo
.featuring.
Reddas as The Drunken Bard
Imagine it now, yes? You, me, the sea and Rozzaria. Together we will tell the tale of the Sleeping Viera, and make the beautiful music of my heart.No, but this is not my story, my friend. This story is story of a much less attractive man, and his wooing of one beautiful woman. And scary, scary demon-man.
Where shall I begin, then? Beginning seems to be the best place, but who am I to trust this, no? Long, long time ago, in a land not Rozzaria, lived King Basch and his Queen Vossler. They try for so very long to have a little child, but I thiiink they do not know they are men and cannot have the babies. Nevertheless, they somehow find themselves with the baby, she with the cute furry ears, not quite Hume I think. They name her Fran, after the dawn.
Or maybe not the dawn. My mind, she forgets.
All of Ivalice, they gather and sing and dance for the baby. Maybe they are tired of King Basch and his man-queen, I do not know. This of biggest celebrations--which I am not invited to and am miffed so--brings together entire kingdom. Fran is already the popular girl, yes? This is where we come into the story, but fear not, my love, for I shall not leave you. We join with our furry heroine now, on this joyful day.
Take it, ladies.
"ON THIS JOYFUL DAY, ON THIS JOYFUL DAAAAY!!"
"Who said that?" Vossler looked about suspiciously.
"The chorus," Basch said plainly. "They tend to hang about on auspicious occasions such as this."
"No one told me. Will we need extra settings for dinner?"
"The chorus is omniscient."
"... Right." Vossler tapped his fingers impatiently on the throne's arm. "When is your friend coming?"
"Which friend is that?"
"KING BASCH!!" A throaty, over-enthusiastic voice shattered the peace of the great hall, and Basch winced. Vossler planted his face in his palm.
"King Cid," Vossler groaned.
Ah, yes, the King Cid. You see, before this story starts, I must remind you of the promise King Cid offers to King Basch. Cid is terribly bored with his son, Prince Balthier, and is wanting to pawn him off soon-like on some other kingdom in not-Rozzaria. Promises his little boy to marry this little girl. Ah, love, so sweet and soft, like a flower in the springtime...
"Ah, King Cid," Basch said as he stood, holding out his hand. "So good to see you well, and with your darling son--"
"YES, good to see all of you, all of you," Cid said quickly, stepping forward to shake hands with Basch jerkily. Vossler deferred the handshake by pretending to find something interesting in the varnish of the throne's arm. "All is fine and good in this world, then, I find? Is it safe to venture, then, that if all is fine and good that all in it are as fine and perhaps good as well? Or, conversely, all is neither fine nor good and must be remedied? Perhaps with some nethecite? Did someone say nethecite? I have some right here in my coat pocket--"
"Father," the boy beside him droned, batting Cid's hands away from the nethecite in his pocket, "I am five years old and you embarrass me."
"Go and give the wedding present to your future bride while the grown-ups talk, dear boy," Cid pushed the young Balthier in the direction of the cradle. The boy rolled his eyes and approached the sleepy baby.
He sneered slightly, peering over the edge at the furry creature within. She glared at him in her infant way.
Just as the exchange ended, the herald blew his trumpet, and a bright light shone down from one of the stained glass windows. All looked up as three shimmering figures began to descend, and the herald announced them in a clear voice. "Introducing their esteemed Fairynesses, Mistress Ashe, Mistress Penelo, and Mistress Vaan!"
"Hey!" Vaan called, adjusting his jaunty blue hat as the three of them landed on the cobblestones. "That's Mister Vaan!"
"Sorry, Madame," the herald said, looking at his scroll. "It says here that you are Mistress Vaan. The scroll never lies."
"That is soo not fair," Vaan grumbled, adjusting his puffy blue skirts.
"Stop complaining," Ashe ordered, straightening her tight pink miniskirt and gesturing for the other two to follow her. Penelo bounced giddily.
"We're here to give the baby things!" She announced. Ashe shushed with a glare, curtseying before the royalty.
"King Basch, Queen Vossler," she said, after the other two had curtseyed, "we three fairies are here to bestow wondrous gifts upon your newly born daughter."
"By all means, old friends," Basch gestured toward the baby in the cradle.
Ashe approached first, tugging her little skirt down and raising her wand. "My gift to you, little viera, is the Gift of Beauty."
The voices of the omniscient chorus suddenly swelled around them as Ashe's pink, sparkling magic swirled in the great hall.
"Little Beauty, fair
She with the snow-white hair
Eyes that shame the red, red rose
Receiving strange glances wherever she goes."
The singing chorus thankfully surprised no one, and they continued on with the ceremony without hitch. Penelo twirled up to the crib, nearly tripping over her too-long green dress and giggling inanely. "Pretty little child, I give you the Gift of Song!"
The swirling green magic of Penelo was quickly joined by the immaculate, crisp voices of the invisible, ever-present chorus.
"This is The Gift of Song
A singing beauty can never go wrong
A perfect voice will all ears hear
Bringing a smile and not a sneer."
Seeing as his turn was next, Vaan hiked up his skirts and waddled over to the crib of Princess Fran. He rolled up his frilled sleeves, holding up his wand and prepared to show the assembled people the best magical gift they'd ever seen.
"Little furry baby, my gift is--"
His spell was interrupted by a sudden ominous gust of wind as the great double-doors of the hall burst inward. Every torch was blown out, throwing the hall into instant darkness, and the howling wind tore through the banners and standards. With a crack of lightning and thunder, and a strange popping noise, a dark and looming figure suddenly swirled into existence, surrounded in a dull green light. Long, slick hair, a devilish sneer, and curving horns topping its head. A staff topped with a glaring crow in full body armor accompanied this devil figure.
"Vayne!" Vossler pointed out, clutching tight to Basch's side for protection.
"Well, this is a party," the sorcerer Vayne noted, looking about at the frightened party-goers. "Isn't it, Gabranth?" He asked the crow sitting atop his staff.
"Caw," Gabranth answered.
"Funny, I don't remember being invited," Vayne pondered, stroking his chin in thought.
"Because no one wanted to look at your stupid face," Vaan sneered, looking indignant in his voluminous dress.
"Stupid fa--" Vayne cut himself off, a dainty hand to his mouth. "Did you hear that, Gabranth?"
"Caw," Gabranth responded.
"So I thought!"
"You aren't offended, are you?" Vossler asked, hiding behind King Basch.
"No, no, no, noo, of course not, Queen Vossler. To show just how much I am not offended by your rude gesture, I will bestow your child with a totally non-lethal gift." He held out his arms, the green light around him growing and his long black robes billowing. "Listen, all of you! Princess Fran will indeed grow fair and beloved by all the people of Ivalice. But by her sixteenth birthday, this girl will prick her finger on a loom!"
"A loom?" Basch asked incredulously.
"Yes... A loom!" Vayne repeated hauntingly. "Oh yes, and she will die!"
Gasps of terror went up among the people, and a general panic began to swarm through them. Just as Vayne began his maniacal cackle, Basch stood from his throne and pointed severely and authoritatively at the sorcerer.
"Seize that creature!" He commanded.
Just as the guards surrounded him, Vayne swirled his black cloak around him and, with a popping noise, suddenly disappeared into nothing along with his crow.
Vossler hid his face in his hands and sobbed openly. Basch tried his best to comfort his queen, but to no avail. "Oh, woe!" Vossler cried. "Whatever can we do now for our girl?"
"Act like a man for a moment," Ashe said loudly, eliciting quiet from the surrounding crowd. "Vaan still hasn't given his gift to the princess, you know."
"So he can undo this terrible curse?" Basch asked in a wavering voice.
"Ehh, I don't think so," Vaan admitted, scratching at the back of his neck. "But I guess I could try something."
"I know you can do it, Vaan! I believe!" Penelo offered, waving her arms about above her head.
Vaan concentrated very hard, something that looked odd on his features, and he swirled his wand above the baby. "Little furry baby," he said at last, "I got an idea. Instead of getting dead when you touch that loom, you just fall asleep. Oh, and to wake up, you have to have True Love's First Kiss."
"FOR TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!"
"For the love of the Gods, can someone clear that chorus out of here?! I'm going to have a heart attack!"
Oh, the sadness eats at my empty heart. Never more woe, surely, has there been in time--ever. The King and Queen, they felt a little better knowing their little princess would not die. Sleeping forever is not good either. Morning breath, oh, I am paling to think on you. King Basch, he is not a patient man, and burns alive all of the looms of the place not in Rozzaria. I find this just liiitlte bit silly, for how now they make they clothes, eh? No nevermind, their princess still, she is not safe. How ever they will find a way to keep her from the long, slow sleep of forever? Ladies?
"TRUE LOVE CONQUERS--"
No, no, already been sung. Ladies, you must come with me to Rozzaria, for more of the lessons on singing, yes?
AN: Hello there, all you kind and gentle people. This is a parody/humor story brought to you by the minds of TheShoelessOne and my lovely brother, a collaboration like we used to do of old. This is based on the Disney version of Sleeping Beauty, not any other production, and many of the jokes are straight from that. We'll be switching off chapters, my brother and I. I did this one, and he does the next. This is HUMOR, and not meant to be taken seriously, therefore if your favorite character is bashed, I apologize, but it's funny. All italics are Al-Cid, the narrator. He'll be popping in from time to time. I hope you like, and future chapters are eminent. Thanks for reading, and stay awesome!