ILLITERATION!
A Yggdra Union Crack!Fic written by Eclipse Rose/Antartique
Watch everyone's frustrated attempts in trying to illustrate the illiterate in the fine art of reading! featuring Crack!Ficness, mentions of Gulcasa/Yggdra, light Cruz/Mizer and Inzaghi/Milanor (if that isn't crack, Eudy is Miss Universe!), a crying Astral Fencer, kleptomaniac Stray Thieves, fangirling-over-griffons Kylier and the monochrome roses!
CHAPTER 01
--
There were some times when being illiterate wasn't good (nor funny) at all.
Now was one of those times.
Milanor, also known as the Silver Wolf, the King of Thieves (and Fantasinia-Bronquia message boy, could you believe that?), was feeling horribly bored at the very right moment. The last message Gulcasa had written to his always dearest Yggdra was currently being read and responded to, so he had to sit and wait since he was in NO-STEALING TERRITORY.
So many beautiful things only beautiful because they would bring in LOTS of money to his crew... So many shiny things that you just had to have only to watch and watch and burn your eyes watching...
And so many books that the illiterate could die only to read once!
Why was he in the library, to start with!? He wasn't Roswell! He should be outside, feeding his kleptomaniacal needs with random things that were to be given back when Yggdra found out! But no, he just had to choose the library to spend his time in, right? Just had to choose to torment his poor misunderstood illiterate soul walking though walls filled with books!
...Some of which contained valuable information on methods of annoying your blond, effeminate, unoriginal best friend who went from thief to mercenary and joined the side you were going to fight in the future and almost died after being stabbed by a betraying fencer who later joined you because you saved his fiancée, your other best friend who helped you countless time even though she said she hated the person you were working for and who later almost died by making a suicidal attack to a pair of magical cannons AND your other best friend's brother who was always trying to kidnap the person you were working for and to hand her over to the side you were fighting only to gain money to buy shoes and who almost died because you slashed at him when he was raiding the base of a rebellious hunter who later joined you for helping him save his base and people... and on gardening.
Yes, Milanor liked flowers.
He loved them.
Not more than shiny and shinier things to steal and never sell, but still...
ANYWAYS! Here he was, walking through shelves filled with leather-bound books, scrolls and who knows what else. And Yggdra was busy with her negotiations, Kylier was busy taking care of her new griffon (what is a griffon rider without their griffon, I ask you?). Durant couldn't 'take care' of him since he was teaching the new recruits (what on Marietta's name did they need an army for?), Russell was too busy crying over not being able to see Flone. Roswell and Rosary were taking care of the roses in the garden, Cruz was bonding with Mizer (who had appeared one day with a bouquet of purple hyacinth saying he was deeply sorry for all the mess he had caused during the war). Elena was busy worrying over what to give Zilva for her birthday, Nietzsche was trying to learn how to make chocolate. And Inzaghi was nowhere to be seen. Why did everyone disappear/have something to do when he was BORED? Didn't they care about poor, little Milanor?
Probably not, nobody really cared for him since he was the main character and got maxed out around level 14 or so, and is a freaking SCYTHE/AXE USER; he was strong enough to care for himself. And ever since he had gone back to his 'HELLO! I have KLEPTOMANIA!' mode, everyone knew that paying him more attention than the usual 'take care for your things' kind would probably get something from you disappearing.
And, yes, the Silver Moon can't be called an axe. It's a scythe/axe hybrid (that's why it works against scythes). It was confirmed by Milanor himself in BattleField 1493.5.
Back to the matter in hand, Milanor was 1) bored, 2) inside a room filled with books he couldn't read and 3) with an urge to mess with Inzaghi.
Finally giving up, he decided.
"ALRIGHT! I'M GONNA LEARN HOW TO READ!"
This, of course, was heard everywhere in the castle, even outside. And all members of the disbanded Royal Army plus... three, could only laugh.
...Except for Elena. She is too polite to laugh.
--
Milanor wasn't called 'Silver Wolf' or 'Thief King' for nothing. He was the best in his trade. Meaning, if it came to being sneaky...
So, what do you think Yggdra felt when he began screaming behind her back?
...Let's begin retelling what happened before that.
Our dearest kleptomaniac had finally decided he was going to learn how to read. And he decided to go around asking every single soul to teach him. Starting for his always dearest Queen (who was currently planning her honeymoon with the Emperor, not that Milanor would tell that to anyone, of course).
And he had gone, sneakily, to her office, hid atop a shelf (full of books, mind you) and waited for the right minute.
Which came about two hours later. How long can a letter get, I ask you?
...By Yggdra, they are usually in a really long scroll/thick envelope.
But we are getting sidetracked, again. So, Milanor waited and waited and when the time finally came...
"Boo."
It wasn't exactly a scream. More like a creepy whisper, but for the always concentrated Queen Yggdra, it sounded like thousands of canons shooting near her ears.
"KYAAAA!"
"Woah!"
Let's just say falling from a chair isn't a very pleasant feeling, specially when you have just been scared half to death.
And Milanor fell from his hanging upside-down position (don't ask how he achieved that, it's one of his mad Stray Thief skills... probably) and hit La Pucelle in the way, dragging the both of them to the floor. Along with some ink. Needless to say, the result was quite... messy.
Once they had finally recovered their breaths from the scare and the fall, the Queen had laughed at Milanor's now cow-looking hair, and Durant had left after checking what was wrong (Yggdra screamed very loud when surprised... and from where did Durant come from, wasn't he training?), they both sat in soft sofas.
"So, was there anything you needed to see me for?"
"YES! Say, Yg- Queen Yggdra..."
Being called 'Queen' by Milanor was strange enough, Yggdra decided. She started getting concerned for her friend's well being.
"I want to learn how to read."
Two and a half hours before, Yggdra had been too busy reading and replying to Gulcasa's letter, so she hadn't heard the thief's previous declaration. And receiving the shocking new now...
"...What?," she asked confused.
"I want to learn how to read."
And that was enough to make La Pucelle faint.
--
Russell, in the meanwhile (wait, we were just with Milanor and Yggdra, what are we doing with Russell? Camera change?) was crying. And whining, and sobbing, and all that that comes along with crying.
Why?, you must all be wondering. Well, the story behind that is rather easy.
Remember the war? That long one war? The one in when most people in this fic almost died? Remember it? Ok, now we are in conditions of explaining everything to you. No, wait, not just yet. Remember Flone? Cute young woman, locked inside Karona castle as a hostage to get the Astral Fencer to work with the empire? Yes, that is the one and only Flone. Why bring her up?
She is engaged to Russell.
SHOCKING! But it's true! She is engaged to Russell, and they are going to get MARRIED! And what do Fantasinian laws say about marriage?
The bride and the groom shall not meet, under whatever circumstance is given, for 23 days before the ceremony.
...Stupid, ain't it? But it is the LAW! You know, with all that 'purification for your new life' rituals and other randomery, there is no way the future happily-ever-after couple can meet.
Besides, the bride has to get herself fitted in the Princess Fairy Tale dress, all relatives must be in presence and... there was one more, but I forgot.
So, Flone was away getting fitted, getting her parents blessing and all that wedding stuff, while Russell, poor abandoned Astral Fencer, was left crying in Castle Paltina.
"M-My dearest Flone!" Sobs here. "Where are you when this humble fencer needs you, my beloved Flone!"
Unfortunately, his speech capabilities have been reduced to 'dearest', 'Flone' and 'beloved', and any kind of word that may get between them to form a correct sentence. Well, not really correct, just...
Russell was crying, as has already been mentioned before, when he felt a sudden tap in his shoulder. And, being crying, he could only hang to the person and start crying even harder in their shoulder.
"Roswell!" That was said... very loud, almost incompressible. "What should I do!? My beloved is gone!"
And the named monochrome rose could only pat his shoulder... again.
"Calm down. It isn't like she is dead, right?"
"But-But SHE IS GONE!" The fencer cried louder, and sobbed. "What if her parents have decided that I am not worthy enough? What if a meteor falls over the church and we have to postpone the ceremony? WHAT IF SHE FINDS SOMEONE ELSE!?" When he screamed the last words, he looked really desperate. REALLY desperate, almost insane.
Of course, nobody could reach the insanity levels of Kylier, who ran to them with her new griffon in a tight squeeze. After yelling at Russell for being a cry baby, at Roswell for being male and at Yggdra's window for some silence, she left.
PMSing Kylier equals insanity. And insanity in a crying moment equals awkward silence and louder crying.
"NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME!"
And so, we leave crying emo Russell and Roswell. Alone.
Isn't that just too perfect for a yaoi scene?
--
"Alright then, Milanor. I consider it a just cause to teach you how to read and write, so I shall do it in the name of the Gran Centurio!"
That, of course, was our favourite peace loving Queen, Yggdra Yuril Artwaltz. She was sitting in front of Milanor, looking almost maniac. Sometimes she really likes to help people...
Milanor, for his part, was playing with his handcuffs. The bits of chain that came with them clanked together, making an amusing sound for Yggdra, who could tell the thief was nervous... scared, even.
"Yggdra, please... Change your face, you're creeping me out."
"Don't care! Now, let us be in our way to... THE LIBRARY!" She took out a wooden sword from its sheath and pointed in the general direction of the library with it. "Let us go, to the Sactuary of Learning!"
Sheathing the 'sword' again, she took Milanor's wrist (more likely the cuff) and dragged him along as she ran to her objective.
If Gulcasa was there, he would probably be thinking 'Oh, Gods, who gave her sugar?'.
--
Kylier stared at her King and the Fantasinian Queen in amazement. How on earth could they be so close when they had only met about half a year ago? She had known him for eleven years already, he had been present in her first griffon ride, she had been there when he came back from prison, but...
She felt jealous. Milanor had never even let her touch his cuffs, yet for Yggdra it looked almost natural.
'Don't do that, Kylier. You are giving me a headache.' The usually mocking, mystic voice came into her head, scolding her.
'Sorry, Ness. It's just, I'm so mad!'
'Well, calm down. And pay attention to the chibi, he is running away.'
Effectively, her baby griffon had jumped from her arms and gone away running.
"AH! Ed, come back!"
And so, Kylier had to stop staring in amazement at the Special-Class duo.
--
Milanor sat at one of The Library's tables. Yes, not in a chair, in the table. He is an outlaw; he isn't supposed to have correct manners.
Yggdra looked through the window, giggled and went to get some books from some shelf. She then sat on a chair next to the Thief King.
"Alright, let's begin. Here." She handed over a pencil and a sketchbook. "That will be your notebook, so you better take notes, be it in stick figures or whatever."
"Ok..." Milanor was intimidated by her seriousness. Were teachers always like that? He couldn't remember... But then again, he never had any teacher besides Mizer, who could only teach him how to use skills.
He was scared. Scared of the insane Queen (not HIS Queen, note, he is an outlaw King, he doesn't bow to anyone). Scared of the mad Kylier who was currently glaring at them through the window, of the poor soul of that griffon. Scared of-
"Are you even listening to me?"
"Eh? Sorry, did you say something?"
"I asked you if you want to learn formal or traditional."
"...They're different?"
"Very. Formal has a few more characters than traditional."
"...I'm walking on flames here, right?"
"Sorry, Milanor. You have just fallen into hell."
And the thief decided that a teaching Yggdra is a mad Yggdra.
--
Let's switch cities, ok? Let's go to Flarewerk. To Dragoons and Ancients, Scarlet Princesses and Twin Valkyries, and who knows what else.
Emilia was lying on her bed, with 41 degrees Celsius of fever.
Meaning Gulcasa was currently in the usual angry/worried state we all know and love him for.
"What is wrong with you humans and your liking for giving me headaches?"
"Don't know, don't care." The Emperor paced around the room, playing with his hair. His face and posture showed his anxiousness. How CUTE! "What is taking them so long!"
"Probably... I don't know." The Ancient gave up, sighing, and went back to his book. "We should take her to Yggdra, she knows more of healing than the twins."
"What about you?"
"See my title? Fallen? Gives you any ideas?"
"..." Gulcasa sat in the floor (even though there were other chairs in the room) and rested his forehead on Nessiah's knee. "I think I'm going insane here."
"Sure you are." He patted the Emperor's head. "Go Genocide something, relieve the stress. I assure you, Emilia will be fine."
"Yes... I think I will go and do that..." He stood and started walking out. "Yeah... Genocide something... I will do that..."
Nessiah blinked at his retreating friend and sighed again. This was going to be a long day.
--
"It is not like that!" Yggdra took the pencil from her friend/FSS Commander (FSS meaning Fantasinian Secret Service) and wrote a neat and round 'a' on the sketchbook. "It is rounder, fatter. Imagine how 'ah' would be pictured, it isn't thin like this." She pointed to Milanor's 'a'. "Do it again."
"I don't understand. How can a circle with a tail sound like an 'a'? It's... illogical!"
"Thieves are illogical too. But this is an 'a', and when you see it, you know it's read like that." The Queen explained it to him as if he was a child just learning he wasn't supposed to touch fire. "Do it now."
She handed him the pencil and the thief took it in his left hand, inspecting it. Then he pressed it against the paper and tried to copy Yggdra's handwriting.
"See? You are getting better. Now, another vowel. The next one is an 'e'."
--
Kylier glared at the Queen through the window. How dare her, teaching the Wolf like he was a baby! Sure, the kid acted like one every time, but that didn't mean he was a fool. In fact, Milanor was one of the smartest people in the world... when it came to scheming.
And there Yggdra was, taking the Wolf's hand in her own and moving the pencil, probably writing down an elegant-looking 'e'.
'Ness, I am developing a serious Aegina/Luciana complex.'
'As in?'
'I want to kill Yggdra to reclaim what is mine.'
'...Aw, c'mon, not you too...'
'Help me here, Ness, I need you now.'
'...I can't refuse you... But no killing. Don't want you to end like Milanor.'
Kylier grimaced at the memory, but went back to her mental conversation. 'Thanks, Oh Mighty Fallen One.'
'...Don't mock me, Sky Lady.'
The tone of voice the angel used was enough to make the Griffon Rider burst in laughing, thus letting go of whatever she was hanging to and falling to the ground.
"GAH! Ah, damn, THAT HURTS!"
Elena, who had been walking in the gardens, looked down at her, a mint candy stuck in her mouth.
"Please do try to be more careful next time you fall from the second floor, Lady Kylier."
Said that, she left calmly, walking towards Rosary's rose garden.
Kylier could only stare.
--
Emilia was having a rather... interesting conversation with herself. Both Luciana and Aegina gave extra points for that.
"And see that, Emilia? That is an FPHwaS, also known as Flying Purple Hippo with a Sword. His name is Russell. And that one is called Inzaghi, a FYHwaS. Both of them are really nice, but the FPHwaS stabbed the FYHwaS almost to dead one time. Ain't that just too bad?"
"Emilia, it's time for your medici-" Luciana started, but was knocked off her feet by a sudden Genocidal Emilia explosion.
"I DON'T WANT IT!"
And with that, the Twin Valkyries decided Brongaa's blood was a little too insane.
--
Brngaa's blood... Gulcasa... Our dearest Emperor of Clownage. What is he doing now?
Well, we left him after accepting Nessiah's advice to go Genocide something. Sure thing, he went outside and looked for something to Genocide.
Unfortunately for him, we all know how he is completely useless without his sister, the twins or Nessiah, or basically anyone who lived with him. Let me tell you a secret Gulcasa fact (Nº 1):
He has got no sense of direction.
You read that one right. And that explains secret Gulcasa fact (Nº 2)
He fears being alone.
That said, let's go back to whatever is going on.
Gulcasa was currently walking through Lost Aries.
You read THAT one right. He was in Lost Aries, lost. Useful, ain't he? And he was scared. Horrible scared. Ishtar herself was also scared, but she managed to find her way into civilization before her master went berserk.
"Excuse me, lady." He approached a young woman playing with a baby griffon. "Do you know the way to Flarewerk? Or at least to Paltina, or Karona?"
"Why, yes, I do. However, Flarewerk is a few days from here."
Gulcasa had enough pride to not faint while she gave the indications.
How on earth had they managed to ride a few days of travel in only one?
--
Nessiah, meanwhile, was 'looking' at the sky, reading the time.
"He is late... Where are you, Gulcasa?"
--
And now it is time to introduce you to the mad adventures of the hunter duo, loyal companions of Bronquia's ambassador in Fantasinia. That's right, it's them, MIZER AND CRUZ! Or Cruz and Mizer, whatever fits you the best.
They are currently sitting, drinking some tea.
"This tea is most delicious, Mizer. How did you manage to do it so sweet without being over sweet?"
"That is my mother's special recipe, Cruz. I hope you like it, I made it with love."
Two sips of tea later...
"Say, Cruz."
"Yes, Mizer?"
"Shouldn't we be getting out of here?"
"Indeed, we should, my dear friend."
TOO LATE! The island/whale they were drinking tea on started sinking.
"I think we are sinking, Mizer."
"Indeed we are, Cruz."
And both hunters laughed like perfect English gentlemen.
--
ANTARTIQUE/ECLIPSE ROSE REPORTING!
CHAPTER ONE DONE! OH NO! 9.5 page in word in TNR 12. TOO SHORT! xD
There is an explanation to everything... Not really, but there should be. Don't get mad at me for pulling so many Ferals. xD But I messed around with Milanor, Kylier, Mizer and Inzaghi A LOT, so I will probably be writing a past fic (a serious one, if I can) on them. MUAHAHAHA
Whatever, Yggdra Union is not mine. I hope I had... CANAAN! Yeah, go you, Canaan! Nobody knows you, but I don't care! mad laughing ...but I don't own YU. It belong to Sting and Atlus. Go them.
And go Milanor too. And Roswell, and Cruz/Mizer. And ENGLISH GENTLEMEN! They are so polite, and their laughs are so... !!! No offence to English gentlemen, I love them, but-
SEE YA SOON!
Random fact of the week: Malice (Riviera persistent villainess) + Mizer (YU persistent villain) MALICE MIZER! mad laughing again Best band ever, go and get their disks!