A/N: I've decided to make this a series of short stories about all of the hilarious ways I can think of for Naruto to die. I don't write very fast, but this one I put out in about 2 hours after I had the idea. The tricky part is to write the whole thing before inspiration leaves me.

What many people don't know (i.e. what I made up for this story) is that on the morning of genin assignments, Maito Gai came down with an unyouthful case of the flu. As such, he decided to cancel team practice in order to not spread his unyouthful condition. The world went on its merry little way, but this is a story about what might have been. Maito Gai didn't get the flu and as such didn't cancel training. This is how it would have played out.

-8:15 a.m., Training ground 11-

Tenten, Rock Lee, and Hyuuga Neji were in a three-way battle royal. While normally Neji could take on either of the two without any difficulty, they had the habit of teaming up against him. What was even more annoying was the way their combat skills complimented each other. He slid back into one of his basic defensive stances as he awaited their next move.

"LEE! PLAN 12!" yelled Tenten as she pulled out 2 sealing scrolls.

"YOSH!" screamed Lee at the top of his lungs, effectively deafening anyone in a 1 mile radius. Team Gai, however, had come to consider earplugs as one of the greatest things since sliced bread. Gai had completely forgotten he even had them in anymore.

Tenten released a giant steel bat on the scale of Hoshigake Kisame's Samehada; it was amazing she could even lift the huge lump of metal. Next, she unsealed a block of iron the size of a small building attached to a chain, which she quickly affixed to the base of the bat. She let it rest on her shoulder as she pulled 3 kunai out of her pouch and threw them in the air.

Neji arched an eyebrow as Tenten prepared to swing the bat. 'So she's going to hit them at me? I won't even have to use my incomplete Kaiten on…'

All of a sudden, he noticed a huge burst of chakra as Lee opened the first two gates and rushed up behind Tenten.

"Oh fuck me…" Neji uttered…very un-Hyuuga-like as he started what he could of the Kaiten.

Tenten, strong enough to swing around a 400 lb. block of steel like it was nothing, swung as hard as she could, while Lee kicked as hard as he could at the back of the bat, wearing half a ton of weighs, with two inner gates open, at the exact moment that the expertly crafted and thrown kunai lined up for the hit…yeah, those kunai broke the sound barrier.

Neji didn't even see them coming, he just felt two of them grazed the edges of his imperfect Kaiten before one of them shot straight through and clipped his thigh, efficiently ripping off a large part of the muscle. With an agonizing scream, he went down as the kunai embedded itself ring deep in a rock some 30 meters behind Neji, spraying the area of impact crimson.

From Tenten and Lee's perspective, Neji had been encased in a 'blob' of chakra before both of them heard a scream and felt something slam into the bat that they had used. They both looked down, and to their growing horror, saw one of the kunai had ricocheted back at them and had embedded itself halfway through the steel bat.

"TENTEN! LEE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" screamed Gai as he came rushing to Neji's aid. A quick emergency aid scroll was quickly pulled out as he hurriedly pulled out what he needed. He quickly put on a tourniquet and stemmed the blood flow. When he was finished, he dosed Neji with some morphine and turned back to his students.

"We're s-sorry Gai-sensei; we've only used wo-wooden weapons until today when practicing. We didn't know it would do this much damage. P-Please help him, we're so sorry!" stuttered Tenten as tears streamed from her eyes. Lee was nodding reverently as Tenten spoke, not daring to add a word even as his own eyes sprouted tears of remorse.

Gai could tell that both of them were indeed very sorry, so he did the only thing he could.

"I am forbidding the use of PLAN 12 unless in defense of your own lives or the wellbeing of this village. Now, Lee help me get him to the hospital, maybe they can fix his leg before any permanent damage occurs. Tenten, I want you to clean up the training grounds of all your weapons, and fix any damage to the grounds that you can." With that said, he unsealed a stretcher from his emergency aid scroll and placed Neji on it. With Lee at the other end, they raced off to try to save Neji's leg.

-An hour later-

Tenten was in a conundrum. She could not find the third kunai from PLAN 12. She had looked everywhere for it.

'Oh well, it's probably embedded in a tree somewhere. I'll never find it, so I think I'll go home and take a bath.'

With one final glance around, she headed on her way home.

-8:20 a.m., Konoha Ninja Academy-

Uzumaki Naruto was squatting on top of a desk, directly in front of Uchiha Sasuke. He was trying to understand what was so great about someone who was such an emo and a first-rate bastard.

All of a sudden, everyone in the classroom heard the sound of glass breaking, followed by one of their fellow student's head being separated from his body and said head being pinned to the concrete wall on the other side of the room by a kunai. Everyone was in shock as they stared at the poor kid's head dripping brains and blood all over the floor.

Then, the worst thing that could possibly happen…did. The deceased genin had been in the process of standing up and had unfortunately caused Naruto to fall forward, while at the same time Sasuke was trying to stand up. Naruto…he really should have noticed his fly was down from going to the bathroom earlier. His penis slid out of his pants, and promptly found its way into one, Uchiha Sasuke's, mouth as they both fell to the floor.

The entire room went silent.

No one even paid the beheaded genin's body, or head stuck to a wall, any attention. Sasuke was having unfortunate flashbacks about times Itachi had needed to blank his memory of his father's…actions. Naruto wasn't even thinking, his mind had sensed his imminent destruction and immediately blanked itself, getting a head start on his death. The girls in the class who weren't drooling over Naruto's impressive package (aka, Sasuke fangirls) were seeing red. From their perspective, it looked like Naruto was skull-fucking their emo-prince. They slowly started to advance.

-15 minutes later, Konoha Ninja Academy-

Iruka didn't know what to think.

He had walked in to find the entire room drenched in red, small chunks of flesh hanging from every surface. Most of the class was huddled against the far wall, looking with terrified eyes at a group of girls sitting in the front row. Haruno Sakura, Yamanaka Ino, Yukinoku Ami, and 3 others were busy sharpening their kunai while wearing smiles of insanity. Sasuke was in the corner near his desk, curled into a fetal position, trying to claw his eyes out. Hyuuga Hinata was in another corner, crying her eyes out, petting something wrapped in her jacket, muttering about how lucky she was to know a stasis jutsu to protect her 'Little Naruto' for the future. A kid's head was nailed to the wall with a kunai, his body laying half on top of a desk. Iruka only had one question…

"WTF? Where's Naruto?"

The girls sitting in the front row locked eyes with him, smiled wide enough to show every single tooth, and proceeded to advance on him.

Fin

A/N: There are two things you can take away from this story. One, Maito Gai being sick was imperative to Naruto living, and DON'T MESS WITH FANGIRLS! They may appear to be weak, but that is just the method of their madness.

Du-du-du-du, another Naru bites the dust…

Also, the large block of iron and chain was used to keep the bat from going airborne after the hit.