Disclaimer: I own nothing but the idea and the mistakes.

1

He sat on the beach in the brisk morning air, watching wave after wave crash against the already wet sand, feeling very old. His life had somehow come to a quick end these past couple of weeks, and he dreaded walking on this earth until his days were up. Never having been a person who contemplated ending his own life, it scared him to think how many days he might have left to endure.

As he thought back over these past twenty-two days, he decided to start his period of endurance at the beginning of them. In a word, they had sucked. Chuckling, he allowed the slight moment of humor into his horrible life, realizing that this was in fact the very first time he had ever used the word 'sucked' to describe anything. But in this case, the word applied.

Twenty-two days ago, he had found out his mother was ill, and her life was coming to an end. Without giving it a second thought, he'd handed in his resignation that day, needing to go be with his mother.

Twenty-one days ago, he'd sat in an office with the undersheriff, sheriff and Ecklie, the dreaded ass who'd succeeded in ruining what little life he'd had two years earlier. Half the day had been wasted with pleas for him to stay, and merely take some time off to think. But the conversation ended when he'd told them they had to approve his resignation or he'd just plain quit without any of the benefits following him. He'd given Conrad Ecklie a death stare as he told the group that he had no reason to stay there anymore, which thankfully pushed him into a long silence. They finally conceded, knowing it would be an injustice to do him wrong after all of the years of hard service. So, after finalizing a few details, including that he'd work another ten days and that no one was to know he was leaving until after he was gone, he walked out of the office, knowing he'd made the right decision.

Ten days ago, he'd walked out of the lab for good, just as he'd told Warrick he would. There was no party, no cake and no sad goodbyes. He simply vanished, just like a ghost.

Nine days ago he'd arrived at his mother's side, ready to spend every moment taking care of her. Getting used to the silence in his deaf mother's house was more difficult than he'd expected. He thought he wouldn't miss the endless chatter between Catherine and Susan, Sara's replacement, and Greg and Nick, the loud music that he'd begged Greg more than once to turn down, the annoying questions and explanations from Hodges and the constant questioning by Warrick to see if he was okay, but he did. He honestly missed it all. But he found his comfort in his mother as he watched her weakly sign stories of his childhood and tell him secrets she never thought he was ready to know.

One day ago, his mother told him how much she loved him and that her only regret was not watching him fall in love and get married. Then she'd closed her eyes and drifted into a permanent sleep that would carry her to join his father in peace in heaven.

One day ago, he'd cried for the first time in his adult life.

One day ago, the last person he was living for was ripped away from him.

One day ago, his life had ended, just as he thought it had a little over two years ago.

(Two years ago)

The ring of his desk telephone startled his attention away from the stack of paperwork looming in front of him. For a moment, he contemplated not answering it, but knew that would only lead to the ringing of his cell or the buzz of a page.

"Grissom."

The voice on the other end of the phone made his skin crawl. "Grissom, Ecklie. Could you come by my office before the start of shift. I need to speak with about an important matter."

He knew there was no point in arguing, mainly because there was no place to hide. "Fine."

Less than five minutes later, he was seated in a chair in his boss' office with the door shut behind him. "What can I do for you, Conrad?" As much as he found the use of his first name annoying, as they couldn't be anything further from friends, he would not give him the respect of using his last name to his face.

"It's about Sidle."

Sarcastically, "Oh? What is it this time?"

"She's gone."

"Gone?"

"Yes, she handed in her resignation four weeks ago and yesterday was her last day."

His brow furrowed, "Excuse me?"

"She told me that she knew you would not approve of her leaving, so she had to come to me."

"You're damn right I don't approve of her leaving. You had no right!"

"I have every right, Grissom. It's already done."

"And I bet you loved every second, didn't you?"

"That's not the point. She had valid reasons for wanting to leave, and I didn't see a need to force her to stay."

"And just what the hell were those valid reasons?"

"I don't need to share them with you."

His temper was getting the better of him and he slammed his fist on the desk with his next outburst, "Like hell!"

"Look, she didn't feel as though she was getting the respect she deserved here in the lab."

"You're damn right she wasn't! You and Catherine spent a lot of time making sure she didn't."

"Actually, she also mentioned you, along with Willows and I."

His voice calmed a bit, "Me?"

"Yes, you. She also mentioned the uncalled-for strain between the two of you and said that it was becoming too hard to come to work with you day after day. Would you like to hear any more?"

In a whisper, "You knew. You knew that all we needed to do was talk things through and you still let her go."

Ignoring his last statement, "I have already found three suitable candidates for her replacement. You, of course, can make the final selection."

His anger raged. He nearly leapt over the desk when he stood, pointing his finger in Ecklie's face as he yelled, "You sorry son of a bitch! You took her away from me when you KNEW things could be worked out. You let the best CSI go that you have in this lab to get at me. You had no damn right! And now you're going to sit here and tell me to pick out her replacement? Screw you!"

"Now, Grissom…"

"Don't you 'now, Grissom' me you asshole. You tell me where she is so I can go get her back!"

Still calm, a smirk came over his face, "Sorry, Grissom. Sidle expressed her wish for her file to be sealed. She wants no one to know where she's gone, especially you." He paused and pulled a plain white envelope from his desk drawer that he handed across the desk. "But she did ask me to give you this. It was sealed when she gave it to me yesterday. I have no idea what it says."

He snatched the envelope and turned to storm out, but he was stopped before he could get out the door. "What about the replacement?"

Without turning, "Do it your damned self!" Then he slammed the door to the office, only to do the same with his when he returned to his sanctuary.

He stared at the envelope for several long minutes, feeling his life being torn away by the moment. She was gone, and his only hope was this letter.

Carefully, he opened it with his letter opener, as if it were the key piece of evidence in a breaking case. Inside he found a typed letter that tore his heart in two.

Grissom

I'm sorry I've hurt you. I know I have. At least, I think I have. But I can't live like this anymore. Our relationship has gone from good to great to bad to okay to bad again and now even worse. Do you even realize you have not spoken a word to me about anything other than a case in over two months? I don't think you do.

I'd like to know if you understand how much it hurts to be in love with someone who doesn't even know your favorite color or flower, but I'm not even sure if you've ever been in love. Did you even know I loved you? I guess it doesn't matter now.

I'm sorry for not saying goodbye and for not even telling you I was leaving, but I knew you'd talk me into staying. I knew that I would let you pull me back onto our roller coaster ride of a relationship, or lack thereof, and I just couldn't go through with it.

Tell everyone I said goodbye, and that I will miss them.

Please don't look for me. Please just let me go. I need to let you go.

I'll miss you.

Sara

Word by word, his heart had been ripped away. The woman he loved had been torn away from him and she didn't even know that he loved her. He didn't know whether to scream or cry. All he knew was how stupid he'd been. He'd spent so much time trying to fight loving her that he'd lost his chance to tell her he'd given up the fight.

He'd waited for her to change her mind and come back for almost six months. He'd done as she asked; he hadn't looked for her. But his heart ached for her, even knowing that he'd never get her back.

Two years ago, his heart had been torn to shreds.

A year and a half ago, he'd given up thinking it would ever be put back together again.

A day ago, he realized that it had never been put back together and merely broke into even more pieces.

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