Disclaimer: Cheese tells me I don't own this, so I guess I don't...the cheese never lies. Amen
jacoblove: You think you still know who Grace is? Or have I succeeded in confusing you? And I love the fish too, but Zip says hands off! He's very fond of Rex! thanx 4 reviewin-have some German cheese!
Sweet Christabel: Zip apologises for picking the fish instead of you but 'you just gotta love the way his little mouth opens like that! And his little eyes, and his little flippers...' Alister, however, is extremely flattered, and I think after all the stress and the Old Bill he's been going through, he's going to need a little TLC...thanx 4 reviewing-have a Babybel!
Team-chaser: Grace is...for me to know and you to find out! Haha...yes...anyway, yup, Lara and Alister just love their cheese up on the that balcony...keeping Rex in a fishbowl the entire time of course. thanx 4 reviewin-have some...Dairylea!
A/N Blame the A-Levels people...although be glad the clocks went back or this could have taken so much longer to put up! Cheese has sustained me though-yay, cheese!
Lara's POV
We kissed…well, I kissed him, but he kissed me back! And it wasn't just a light peck, either, it was very deep, very passionate. To tell you the truth, it…lifted me up a little, if you catch my drift. It's the sort of kiss that…one of those that-when they're over-just leave you thinking 'wow!' It's been a long time since I felt that.
I'm not really sure if it means anything, though. It could have been him just getting caught up in the moment. Or me. Or both. I mean, the atmosphere was right. It was a typical, clear, starry evening, on top of a balcony and then there were quite literally fireworks just as we were kissing! It's a very fairy-tale reconciliation!
If it is that. I-I would like to be. I have missed him. There have been moments when I felt like I'm certain he did before it happened-where I just wanted to grab him and kiss him and sod the consequences. He's just…he's just one of those men. I mean, what's wrong with him? He's intellectual, dresses smartly, is kind, caring, loyal…and god he's handsome! He is every woman's perfect man. And not only all that, but he's honest yet tactful. There are usually three types-the outright lying; the tactful lying and the far too honest! He's a bit of both the latter, really. I mean, he was honest enough to admit he had feelings for me (albeit after a very long time) and-granted, I don't think there's ever been a time I've consciously noticed his tact, but that could be due to the fact he's just got very good at it!
I suppose I should take that we are now cuddling on the sofa as a good sign. Mind you, we both have had a bit to drink-if anything did happen, there's no telling if we would regret it tomorrow or not…
Zip is over in the corner, chugging away at a beer, entranced by the flames. When asked, he claims 'they dance'. I don't think it's just been alcohol he's had too much of. Either that or he's just got stranger.
He looked a bit hurt when I refused to see his point, so in the end, I relented and started watching the fire with him, from my position in Alister's arms. While Zip does have a vague point, you need have a very strong imagination and to want to really see it to actually see the flames dance.
I tilt my head to the side as I watch. They seem to have taken up a bit of ballroom dancing…hmm…I remember when me and Alister did that once. He'd never had lessons and I had only taken them so as not to embarrass my father at this 'grand ball' when I was twelve once. It had never actually occurred to him that no-one tends to do too much ballroom dancing at a bloody christening!
To cut it short, we made absolute fools of ourselves and had a lot of fun. We didn't go back, though-we had a bit too much pride. Trust me, if you were there, you would understand-
A loud knock interrupts me from my thoughts. Thinking I'd kicked the table, I check my foot. No, nothing wrong with it. Another knock.
"Is that the door?" I ask stupidly.
"Yeah," Alister nods from beside me.
"Well will someone answer it?" to which Alister just shrugs. "Okay, let me rephrase-will you go and answer it?" He tries to ignore me, but apparently can't resist looking at me, where I adopt my most convincing puppy dog eyes. In the end, he sighs and mutters 'I must really love you' somewhat drunkenly and reluctantly attempts to navigate his way through Zip's fort to reach the door.
Turning my attention back to the flames, I block everything out. There seems something not quite right about this…maybe I'm being an absolute nutcase thinking that kiss meant something! I mean, let's face it, we're both quite lonely, have already done it once and are relatively comfortable with each other-and with the romantic setting, who could resist?
"W-what?" Alister squeaks, sounding terrified. Oh God, what's happened?
"Alister, who is it?" I ask concernedly. He doesn't reply and hangs his head slightly. A man pops his head around the door, wearing an official hat. A policeman. "What's going on?" I ask, slowly getting up.
The policeman glances from me to Alister, and his expression looks as if he is debating whether or not to tell me. "Alister?" I ask him directly.
"Excuse me," he whispers, again sounding terrified. Not paying attention to him, I turn back to the policeman.
"What's happened?" I ask.
"I'm afraid I'm not at a liberty to say-unless you are a relative?"
"I'm his employer and landlady-does that account for anything?" I ask somewhat cheekily, knowing full well it won't be enough. He only shakes his head. Fine-if he won't tell me, I suppose I'll have to get it from a more reliable source.
Now where did Alister go again?
I find him in a bathroom-door open and unlocked-huddled up against the bath, looking like a scared little boy. Oh, Alister, what's happened?
Closing the door behind me, I tread cautiously into the room, careful not to make any sudden movements. Not that he'd notice in his state.
Taking a seat beside him, we sit in silence.
"What happened, Alister?" I ask timidly.
"She's dead," he mutters, matter-of-factly. "She's dead and it's all my fault."
"Who is? What is?" I press. Though now I think about it, this isn't the time to start getting inquisitive!
"I put her there…I knew she wouldn't like it…I knew she hated it. It's all my fault," he keeps whispering to himself. "It's all my fault, all my fault, my fault…" His voice trails off, and his eyes go misty, as if he's in deep thought. "She told me to my face and I ignored her," he adds.
"Who, Alister?"
"Lara?" he says vaguely.
"It's me, Alister," I tell him, trying to sound reassuring, but probably sound very corny. "Love, it's all right-"
"Don't call me that," he says defensively. "Don't ever call me that."
"Alister-"
"What are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be interrogating the policeman at gunpoint for information?"
"Well, when that failed, I had to move on to Plan B," I joke, attempting to humour him. 'Attempt' being the right word by the looks of it. "Sorry, that was inappropriate-"
"Yes it was," he agrees harshly. He looks me up and down, glaring and looking disgusted at me, he frowns and adds; "Why are you still here? Just get out." I don't move. He shouldn't be left on his own…I know, it's not better! "What did I just say?!" he snaps. "Get out! Why do you always have to stick your snooty nose in it?! Why can't you just let me be?!"
"Grieve?" I gasp. "Alister, what's happened? Who is it?"
"I said 'be', not grieve," he corrects me, and then grabs my arm, shoving me out of the now open door.
"Alister, for God's sake-"
"No, not for God's sake, not for anyone's sake!" he shouts at me. "There's no-one's sake here at risk…except for Grace's!"
Grace? Who's Grace, I don't know-
I think about calling him again, but then stop. Let's be real, if this was me, I'd have drawn a gun on them by now! He doesn't have that liberty.
All right then, I will leave him. For a short while. He's sensible-he wouldn't do anything stupid…not like me. He's not like me.
Without thinking, I head back for the hall, and find the policeman still standing in the doorway, door open.
Everyone glances up as I enter-hoping for the gossip, I suppose.
"Is Mr Fletcher not with you?" the policeman asks, looking behind me hopefully. Does it look like he is?
"No, he doesn't want to see anyone," I reply calmly.
"Look, I realise this is a difficult time for him, but is there any way he could wait until later? I need him to come with me."
"Where to? What's going on?" I enquire. "He's not being arrested, is he?" As I say this, Zip jumps up from behind the couch.
"Who's trying to arrest Alister?" he asks, looking at everyone accusingly. "Cos if you are, you're gonna have to go through me first!" Well, being drunk does make you act…dramatically?
"Well, is he?" I repeat. Because if he is-on no charge-he is going to have a hard time!
"No, no, it's all right, nobody's being arrested," the policeman assures us.
"Well then why are you still here? You've already broken his life apparently-why are you still here?" Zip asks hostilely. He's got a good point actually.
"I really need to discuss it with Mr Fletcher," the man replies, looking really reluctant to be here. Jesus, if it's this bad, they tend to send round DS's, don't they? Not constables.
"I suppose you should come in then," I sigh. I don't like this at all, but it's hardly his fault, is it? I open the door wider and step back, allowing him to pass into the threshold, and close the door as soon as he's in. I indicate to one of the armchairs by the fire, but he declines. "Would you like a cup of tea or coffee or something?" I offer.
"No, that's quite all right," he politely declines. It always goes like this, doesn't it? Someone of authority comes in-after being reluctantly invited-they decline a seat and refreshments. It makes you wonder what the point of the 'polite' banter is really.
I don't think he realises quite how long he's going to be standing for, though…Alister was not in a good state.
30 minutes later
"Ah, Mr Fletcher!" PC Drayson announces finally, looking relieved to be allowed to move. I knew he wouldn't take that seat-only detectives change their minds like that.
"So what now?" Alister mutters somewhat boredly. "Do I need to go to a will reading? Sign a lease stating I'm a relative? What?"
"That's all to come, sir," Drayson explains kindly. "For now, I just need you to come with me to identify the body." The body? God, Alister, what's happened?!
But Alister just nods in begrudged acceptance. "Do we need to go now, or-?"
"Sooner is generally better than later," Drayson replies. "But if you would rather wait until tomorrow, we would understand-"
"I'll do it now," Alister interrupts firmly. "What's the point in waiting? She's already dead."
"Woah, who's dead?" Zip exclaims. "Alister, what's going on, buddy?" Bad choice of word, Zip-this isn't a 'buddy' moment. But Alister seems not to have heard him and follows Drayson out of the house. What's he doing, going tonight? It's past midnight!
"Alister, I'm coming, too!" I call after him, getting up from my chair and dashing to the door. I'm blocked by Alister as I try to get out.
"No you're not, Lara," he tells me. "I'm doing this alone."
"Doing what-that doesn't matter," I argue. "You shouldn't have to-"
"Yes I do."
Alister's POV
It's dark and empty when I return. Well I suppose it's no more than to be expected-it is half three after all.
I very carefully open the door and tread in quietly so as not to disturb anyone. I mean, I've just identified a body, but hey, as long as they don't lose their beauty sleep. That would be too much for them. Lara might consider it the last straw and then throw me out after two months of my being fired because she grew so sick of me! And I'd never see any of them again…the only time I would suddenly remember them would be a chance newspaper cutting lying around on my floor of the mental institute, detailing Lara's victory on finding Avalon and returning with Lady Amelia Croft…maybe even Lord Richard Croft as well. And that would be just too much for my already emotionally and physically unstable heart, so then I would have a heart attack and be forgotten. Don't feel bad for me, though-I'm just one of those blokes.
I could stop it all from happening…yes, I could go insane a few years early and do enough damage so I can actually truthfully claim insanity when the case comes to trial. It would save me a prison sentence from hell and the miserable years that would follow. I'd be in an insane asylum-what's time to me then? I could be treated by the best doctors in the field, but all to no avail. I would be labelled too far gone and forgotten about…again.
This thought in my mind, I walk up the stairs, not caring about the excessive creaking, and head for my domain-yes, you guessed right. The library. Where else would the madman who is to be inevitably forgotten about head for?
Mind you, it would really surprise everyone. They all think I'm so conventional, so…so 'right'. To just lose it would be a complete turn. They think I'm so predictable-I'd prove them wrong! There could even be an article in the paper about me! Yeah, before and during the trial, every newspaper's headline would be 'Two Down, Two To Go; The Legacy of Fletcher Insanity Spreads Its Curse'. Hmm, catchy-quite impressive, even if I do say so myself.
Is it two to go, though? It's catchy, but with the 'two to go', it's factually wrong. I don't think Emma's father qualifies-let's face it he buggered off and broke my mother's heart, taking one of her children with him. If this was a fairytale, he could easily be the evil sorcerer by default. It's more like 'Two Down, One To Go'-I don't think Grace would be too impressed if I included Nick in it. She was so upset with him, she changed her name back to Madison before the divorce. It wasn't all 'official' until he served her with papers from America, but still. Emma still calls herself 'Fletcher', though. So do I-Alister Madison just doesn't sound right.
That's odd-there's light shining under the library door. Maybe I left it on? No, it's too flickery, it has to be a candle. Jesus, I could have set the house on fire! All those books!
Opening the door carefully so as not to snuff the candle out, I pop my head around the door, and it's dark. There's no light except the beam of the moon at the undrawn window. That's-I know there was a flickering light! Oh good, I am going mad!
I close the door behind me, and walk further into the room, scanning for a half-burnt candle. Nothing…there is nothing. How could there be? The only candles Lara keeps are on the candelabras, and if one of them fell, there would be no house left…
Maybe that's what happened. Maybe they're all dead. Maybe I am, too, and this is just purgatory, limbo. To me, the house is still fully erect because I don't know what's happened. Well, if it's true, Lara should get her wish about Avalon…she's been close before, maybe this time she succeeded. Maybe she deliberately allowed the candle to fall to set the whole place alight. Maybe this time it wasn't a Fletcher who lost it, but her…the curse really does spread. Of course, they need not be actual Fletchers, not by name. There was a time I would have wanted her to be a Fletcher…maybe that was enough.
I wonder if Lara knows she's dead…
Well, I know now. So why am I still here? I should be in the land of glimmering gold, the pearly gates, the clouds…maybe that's just Christian paradise. Perhaps Avalon is different…but I've been raised Christian…well, Protestant. But they still have heaven and hell, pearly gates and everything. Just less fancy.
Maybe I have some unfinished business here? Oh! I bet you people like Zip and Winston are still a bit confused! Maybe I need to guide them from limbo to heaven! It's possible. I quite like that idea actually.
And then, when we arrive, all eyes would be on me, and I would be made an archangel…Archangel Alister…and then, maybe I'd see Grace again…
No I won't. I'll never see her again. I might be in heaven but she's in hell for sure. Or maybe it's me who belongs there. Grace did convert back to her Protestantism when she was sectioned. If she had anything to confess, she's had years to repent them. Yes, she's in heaven, and I'm rotting in hell, where I belong. So she told me.
It's the funniest and fanciest hell I've ever seen, though. But then again, what is hell? The stereotype is the flames and sharp rocks and devils with the ultimate evil-the exact opposite to your stereotypical heaven. Maybe hell is just being stuck alone. Knowing there must be other people in the house, and you search endlessly to find them, but to no avail. Dear God…this must be how Lara feels everyday. Searching for Amelia-she knows she's there somewhere, she just can't quite grasp her. That is hell…
This is exactly why I will never get to heaven! I blaspheme, I speak freely of hell…I think condemning someone unfairly to hell is cause enough to go there yourself. Grace had cause, though, after what I did. She was right. She'll be fine, she'll be in heaven. She had cause.
I did what I thought was best. She was out of control, she needed help! If I hadn't acted when I had, she would ended up either dead by suicide or in prison! I-I was saving her! I was trying to save her soul, and at the same time condemned mine. Surely God will have known I did what I honestly thought was best. He's omniscient, he must know! He can't just leave me here! I can't be left alone for eternity! I've been alone all my life, I can't do it anymore-I can't do it anymore!
This was how Grace must have felt when the paramedics took her away. Betrayal, hurt, beating loneliness. I made her go through that. I've been to where they put her, it is not a pleasant place! How could it be-it's a mental institute! Oh no, the politically correct term is 'psychiatric unit', isn't it? Mental institute sounds too offensive apparently. I wonder how she lasted this long…
It was suicide, they tell me. They only suspect it, but you don't need to be bloody Einstein to make the connection between a dead clinically depressed patient and a bottle of pills at her bedside! They shouldn't even have been there! It was negligence on their part!
The nurse treating her had been giving her her medication when she was called out to help restrain a violent patient. His episode had been set off by the flickering lights of the emergency power. They can only guess Grace took her chance, because the stupid nurse had left the bloody pills at her side!
I should have gone to see her more often. I should have written letters, even phoned. The first place was the shithole, not the second! As soon as I'd got that job abroad, I made a hell of a lot more money so could afford to send her private. Even when I returned to work for Lara again, it was enough to continue. They wanted a year's deposit, which I couldn't afford before. After the deposit, their fees are actually quite reasonable. I had no problem with payments. I did what I thought was best.
She didn't see it like that, though. She saw it as my final act of severance, so she told her therapist. That sending her private meant I'd given up on her. Usually, the only ones sent private-in the working class, at least-were the terminally ill ones. So instead of seeing it as trying to make her more comfortable, she saw it as an act of abandonment.
I did want to see her, but the first three times I did, she got so upset the therapists actually asked me to stop visiting, that it wound her up! They said she would cure faster if I stopped. So I did. And now she's dead. Not that the two can be linked of course…she hated me. If I'd continued to visit, most likely she would have died sooner, from the stress or something. But still…having to die alone like that. And suicide's a no-no as well. She would be cast from heaven for that…no, no, that's just wrong! She was a wonderful woman, she was just given an unfair disadvantage of falling in love with the wrong people! Like my father, and-and alcohol.
But she was still my mother! And she tried her damnedest to raise me right! Which is difficult to do in south London-believe me! Yes, she smoked, and yes she drank-but she raised me right! I've never picked up a cigarette in my life, and I only drink on special occasions! She raised me to be polite, but also to stand up for myself, but most importantly, to accurately assess which situation would requite which trait. If you've got some insurance bugger trying to rip you off, give him mouth! If you're dealing with an awkward customer, stay reasonable. I followed her advice, and I'm-well, here. I'm relatively well-respected amongst my peers. Mind you, who have I got for company? The prodigal daughter of a lord, a slightly delirious butler and Zip.
But I do have a good job. And it's never boring. God, no! This is what I would call job satisfaction! And…and I like to think it was her guidance that got me here.
God, it's no wonder she hated me! She'd looked after me-had taught me important lessons, comforted me and wiped my tears away, fed me, clothed me…and I pay her back by institutionalising her. No, I couldn't try to look after her like other people, like she did me, no I had to have her sectioned!
They tried to make me feel better, by telling me she had a very 'interesting' condition, and that it was a wonder I'd coped so far. They say that to everyone, though. In truth they probably thought I was the heartless bastard I am.
Maybe Grace had the right idea, taking those pills. What is there in this life, eh? Disappointment, betrayal…I could save everyone from it, could help Lara find Avalon!
What am I talking about? Lara would never get to Avalon! Look at her! She's a murderer, a cold-blooded killer, is very disrespectful of religion it seems at times! She's going straight to hell for certain!
Maybe it's what she deserves. Hell-real hell. Maybe it's what she's already living. Maybe we're all in hell already. Maybe this 'life' is just an illusion, and we're all actually in hell. Our soul's ways of coping with the tortures. And when people die, it's because they've realised the bitter truth, and withdraw from it.
Do you know what's really stupid? Baptisms. Why do they do them when we're babies? They say baptisms are done to wash away any sins, clean the slate. But when you're a baby, how many sins can you have committed? Other than screaming and the constant pooping, I don't see how they can be saved from damnation at so young! Surely you should be baptised on your deathbed, or-or just later on in life. When you've lived it, and actually have something to wash away.
I wouldn't have baptised David, I already know that much. I don't care how much Marina would have argued, it wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to condemn my son to such an unforgiving, only possible God! If he wants to be religious, it should be his choice! If he wants to be baptised later in life, or bar mitzvah'd or initiated into any other religion, it should be his decision. Because if you think about it, by being baptised etc. you're being committed to a religion you might not even believe in, or want to. And if you get sent to hell for lack of belief, isn't that the fault of the parents for baptising you in the first place?
Maybe that's why all this is happening. You know, Lara and Kurtis, Marina and David/Leah (that's who she would have been, my little girl, little Leah) and now my own bloody mother! I haven't exactly been the most devoted Protestant around.
Or maybe that's the problem. Nick had me baptised Roman Catholic (like Emma was), but Grace had always raised me Protestant. So, using that logic, if I had been a believer, I would have been very strictly blaspheming. I know they're the same these days, in Christianity, but any devoted believer would tell you otherwise. Just look at the Tudors for Christ's sake!
Anyway, maybe because I was raised Protestant, I'm being punished by the Roman Catholic God, because I'm supposed to be his follower!
Bloody gods…more trouble than their worth. Can you believe the first commandment is 'thou shalt not have any other gods before me'? Never mind adultery, never mind theft or child abuse or murder-as long as we put him first, that's all right then! He actually uses two commandments of the ten for his high bloody maintenance!
What if I were a better man? Would he then have mercy? Maybe…maybe if I changed, converted back to Protestantism or Roman Catholicism (I mean, that is how I'm baptised) he would forgive me…and maybe then, I could have David or Leah…maybe even both.
I can be a better man. I can repent! I will repent! I'm sorry for all the wrongs I've committed. I'm sorry for forsaking you, great lord. I'm sorry for when I pulled the trigger on that mercenary (although in my defence-no, no defence! It's God's law, and I should obey it!) I'm sorry for when I helped Marie commit adultery on her dead husband. I'm sorry for not respecting my father and Grace as I should have...especially Grace. I'm sorry for…I'm sorry for everything! Will you now forgive me, oh great lord?! You've taught me well! I have learned my lesson! I can change, I will! Is it unnatural, sinful to keep scraping up the past, looking for an unorthodox route to Avalon? Because I can stop that. I will! I'll resign tomorrow if it is your bidding. But, please, lord, give me a sign!
And then suddenly, I startle as a cold, big splash of water hits me in the face, and I realise I am kneeling, facing the moon, and with a jug of water in my hand. Where did-where did that come from?
Wait, water! Of course, they use water in baptisms! Holy water! This has to be a sign. I'll re-baptise myself. I'll do it now, so He knows I mean it, and am not just speculating. Yes…I'll go to the stream, in the grounds. It's not ideal, but it will help with the cleansing process. I'll do it now, and go to the Church tomorrow to have it done legitimately.
I'm coming, Great One. And this time, I'll be a good Christian. I won't let you down. I'll be faithful, I'll be loyal, and I'll never doubt you again.
I'm coming.
Lara's POV
Mist. All mist. It's cold. I look down and see I am wearing only a thin white gown.
"Come," a voice whispers from through the mist. Who? Mother?
I force my feet forward and begin to step through the mist. It's empty, there's nothing here. And then…up ahead, I see a figure, standing alone. A female.
She is wearing a dark robe, her hair is dark-almost black-and cascading down her back, rippling with the breeze. Even though I can only see her back, I know that she is beautiful. Tantalisingly so.
"Come," the voice repeats.
"Mother?" I say frantically, excitedly. This could be her. She had dark hair like so as well!
I break into a small run, and stop abruptly beside her, but she doesn't turn around. It is then I notice we are standing in water. No-on water. I can't even see my reflection, it's so clear. There are rocks below me, and fish, swimming in their shoals.
"Look," the girl instructs from behind me. I look ahead and…see mist.
"Where? I can't see it!" I tell her frantically. It has to be here! She promised! "You lied to me!" I rage, making to attack her, but she parries my hand with her own, gliding as if a spirit.
"You have such anger in you, Lara," she says mockingly. "You'll never reach Avalon with that attitude-"
A very loud banging and knocking at the door brings me from the clammy mist and back to my warm bed, accompanied by shouts of "Lara! Lara!" from Zip. Christ, what now?
"Yes, Zip?" I call tiredly, and he comes bursting in breathlessly. He smiles at me awkwardly and clutches his stomach as if he had a stitch, catching his breath. "What is it, Zip?"
"Alister's-gone," he pants.
"Well of course he is, he left last night," I remind him. It's not likely he's back yet, is it? It can only be eight at the latest.
"It's noon, Lara-they don't keep you that long to identify a body!" Noon?! No, it can't be, can it? I never sleep in till that late! It's impossible.
"Are you sure it's noon, Zip?" I ask sceptically.
"Yah-huh!" he says seriously. "I even had Winston confirm it!" Well if Winston says it's twelve…I just can't believe I slept so late.
"How do you know he's missing?" I ask, pulling on a dressing gown.
"Cos he's not in his room, he's not in the library-I don't think his bed's even been slept in!"
"All right, calm down, Zip," I reassure him. "We'll find him, all right? You and Winston check the house, I'll check the grounds."
Well you're certainly being an elusive little bugger, aren't you, Alister? I've just returned to the house after my vain search in the garden, and neither Zip nor Winston has seen him. To calm Zip down, I told him I'd look again, that I probably just missed him, but I'm starting to get worried myself now. Alister's not the sort to go wandering. If he has a problem he'd make it go away by getting into his work. I guess the death of this 'Grace' really pushed him over the edge…although it's about time, I must admit.
Oh, Alister, where are you?
"Alister?" I call for the thousandth time. "Alister? Can you hear me? Where are you?" You know, I actually hope he can't hear me-I must sound like a right plonker! Unless it's in a debate or there's a lot of background noise, I actually hate consciously raising my voice. "Alister?!"
There's only one place I haven't checked, and that's by the stream…but I can't imagine Alister going there. I doubt if he even knows of its existence! It's in a very obscure, well hidden part of the grounds. There's even a hedge to duck through to reach it, and-no offence to him-but the idea of Alister ducking through a hedge in his tweed jacket is very comical!
It's still worth a try, I suppose. Zip wouldn't forgive me if I didn't, and he kicks up such a fuss it's just easier to do it, trust me.
"Alister?" I call again, crawling through the gap. I stand up straight as I emerge the other side, and scan the area. Nothing. And then-
"Alister?" I shout disbelievingly. That can't be him! I can see a dark spot by the riverside-it's just there, see? "Alister?" The thing doesn't stir. Oh God, I hope he's not-
Running towards him, I yell his name more frantically, my eyes confirming that is indeed him. I collapse beside him and turn him to face me. His eyes are shut…but he's breathing. He's breathing!
I take his head onto my lap and pat his face gently. My God, he's freezing! How long has he been here?
"Alister?" I whisper, patting him again. He moans softly, and weakly moves his head. "Alister, it's Lara. Can you hear me?" He moans again, and turns his face away from me. "Alister-"
"Let me be," he mutters weakly. "You know nothing."
"Alister, you're bloody freezing! Let me take you in, get you warmed up-" Suddenly, he bolts upwards, out of my grip.
"Oh no you don't!" he rages, towering over me. "Don't think I'm going to fall for it, Croft!"
"Fall for what?" I ask confused, rising to meet his level.
"He won't stand for it…and neither will I," Alister tells me defiantly, somewhat proudly. "If it is His will for me to be cold, so be it."
"Whose?!"
"His! Our lord's! Don't be so blasphemous, you ignorant bitch!" he shouts, gripping my shoulders and shaking me. I disgustedly remove his hands from me.
"Well if it was His will for you to almost freeze to death, I guess He sent me to stop it from happening!" I argue back, taking his hand. "Now will you please come back to the house? I'm only in a dressing gown and I'm cold!"
"All right, Lara," he agrees. Just like that. He looked ready to throw me into the stream a moment ago.
He's been through a lot, Lara-he's just reacting badly.
If you're back, by the sounds of it, so am I.
"Come on," I coax him. "It's obviously His will for me to take you back in or you would have died…and He doesn't want that."
He's lost it. He's gone completely and utterly mad. He's a scientist, for Christ's sake! He doesn't do religion! It is exactly religion that his very profession is contradicting!
But you try telling him this! I mean it, one word against 'Our Father', and if looks could kill…well. I'm surprised he hasn't resigned yet, then, because I'm certainly not dropping my mission for religion! Of all the things that has-and could-get in my way, religion isn't one of them! Unless it's the religion of Avalon-that I will support if necessary.
I don't think it counts as support if it's for your own means.
Half the followers of every religion are doing just that for fear of being sent to hell!
I cry out in frustration! I thought I'd got rid of that voice months ago!
"Lara, what's wrong, you sound stressed."
"That's because I am," I sigh obviously.
"Well maybe I can help," Alister says, putting down his bible. Oh yes, you heard right-bible. He moves next to me onto the sofa, though leaving a sufficient amount of space between us. What, does the bible forbid being even too close to an unmarried woman?!
"I doubt it-your lord wouldn't approve," I sigh.
"Our lord," he corrects. "And He will forgive you, Lara, if you feel true sorrow." If the situation wasn't so horrific, this would actually be very amusing. But it's not-it's tragic. This isn't Alister. Alister's…Alister gets wound up too easily, he inadvertently makes you laugh, he's sweet…he's not a preacher, he's not religious. There's a very fine line between these two Alisters, and I wish he'd cross back.
"Avalon," I begin. "I'm getting nowhere with it-what? Why don't I like that look?" From the word 'Avalon', his face fell, and he sighed, leaning back against the sofa, before glaring at me in a disapproving manner.
"I'm not sure Avalon is your path to absolution, Lara," he tells me gently. "Maybe you should just forget it. He wouldn't like it-"
"Yet He felt it necessary to send my mother there?" I contradict, feeling an anger rage inside me. He's only been 'converted' for a few days and already I want to quite literally knock some bloody sense into him!
"Your mother messed with time-"
"And just how exactly did she do that?" I rage. "She didn't activate that portal, she didn't even put it there! Someone did, and if it wasn't a mortal, I guess it must have been your great lord!"
"It's the work of the devil, Lara," he says, remaining calm in that arrogant manner I've seen far too often before. (Not from him, you understand.) "It goes against the natural order of things. I was wrong to accuse Amelia, she's just an unfortunate victim of the devil." Oh for God's-oh sorry, that's blaspheming, isn't it? "Although she should never have pulled that sword out-"
"She was trying to stop me from being hurt!" I hurl at him. "If that's not a good deed, I don't know what is!"
"Perhaps it was His will for-"
"Us to die? Well he's certainly failed on me, hasn't he?!" Taking a deep breath, I continue before Alister can butt in; "I survived on my own wits, Alister, not because some lord let me! It has always been like that, and it always will be! It won't be him that gets me to Avalon, it'll be me, like it always has been! And I will get there! One way or another, I will!"
"Lara, it's all right for you to be angry," he says after a few minutes of leaving me to calm down. "Sometimes even I don't understand what His reasons are, but-"
"Alister, you sound like an old monk!" I tell him, still worked up. "You've been a Christian for three days!"
"First of all, I have been a Christian since the day of my first baptism when I was a baby," he contradicts. "And second, I'm a Roman Catholic. There's a huge difference-the Protestants were formed by a very high maintenance king in Tudor times. It's not a legitimate branch of religion." There are so many things I would like to do right now…but if I do any of them, he'll just try to talk me out of it in that annoyingly calm voice of his, and then I really will lose it!
"I thought you were raised Protestant?" I settle for.
"It's how I was falsely raised," he explains. "I was baptised Roman Catholic…and again last night."
"Excuse me?" How many churches are open at the time he must have come in? I stayed up until two waiting for him! It's not very likely he found himself some nice priest to re-baptise him!
"Why do you think I was at the stream? It wasn't to admire the view." Do they allow sarcasm in Roman Cath-what did he just say?
"What? You baptised yourself?!"
"I was going to have it done legitimately the following day, but a certain someone wouldn't let me out of the house!" See, right there, that's Alister! The Alister I knew and loved! Not this monkish, practically monotonous freak!
"Well I'm sorry I got in the way of that," I mutter ironically.
"It's all right, Lara, you meant well," he says in 'the Voice' again. "I am sure you will be forgiven."
"Well I won't exactly quake in my boots if I'm not," I sigh, moving away from him. He's actually starting to scare me.
"You can't live your entire life a cynic, Lara," he informs me. "At one point or another, we all turn to religion for salvation." What did-how-dare-he?
"Do you want to know what happened when I did look to religion for salvation?" I ask dangerously, but he is unperturbed. He just nods in that sickeningly calm way. "I tried to commit suicide, Alister-you may remember, you stayed at my beside long enough. The idea that I was being punished drove me over the bend so much I tried to kill myself. That's the result of your precious religion-it's not a pretty picture, is it?"
"I'm disappointed in you, Lara," is all he has to say. "He has been very lenient with you-that you couldn't handle his test frankly lowers my estimation of you very much."
"Fuck you!" I scream at him in one loud burst of rage. "Just fuck you and your fucking lord and your stupid fucking religion!"
Alister's POV
I'm going to have to pray for her tonight, clearly. I will forgive her, because this transition will be difficult for all of us. But He will run out of His endless patience with her eventually-only prayers can prolong it, hopefully enough so she'll see in time.
I've decided I won't hand in my resignation. She needs my help. She needs someone to pray for her soul. There's only so much I can ask forgiveness on her behalf for if I'm not around. As for Zip-well, don't get me started on him! I haven't strictly read the entire Bible yet, but I know enough to be able to pray for Zip's soul as well. Crime, homosexuality…I doubt if he's even sorry for either. But I will pray for him, just as I will Lara, and probably Winston as well. It's always best to be on the safe side.
Don't get me wrong, Winston's a great person, a good man, but everyone's a sinner, aren't they? I doubt if even Jesus had a perfectly clean slate…oh what an awful thing to say!
Forgive me, our lord, our Jesus, I meant no disrespect. I will confess all.
Oh yes, that reminds me. I'm to go to the church later, and make my first confession. I meant to do it after Mass on Sunday, but it seems everyone had the same idea. It's no trouble-it's only a two mile walk. Maybe I should see about Lara building a chapel in Croft Manor? There's plenty of room, and it would be easier than traipsing two miles everyday…no, no, that's unholy. Taking the easy way out. If I am to prove my dedication, I can't be taking shortcuts just because I have the resources. That's not what religion is about. It's about equality, and there's no reason I should have it easy just because I can afford to build a chapel.
If I could, I would convince Lara to come with me. She must have a lot to confess. If it were appropriate, I would ironically add that they'd probably turn her away! But they'd never do that-they embrace all and any with open arms, much like Our Father.
And also, while I'm there, I should start to arrange mother's funeral. I know she was a Protestant, and this is a Roman Catholic Church…actually, it might just be a Christian Church, I'll have to check. Maybe I should just go to a funeral parlour…no, no, it has to be a church! She was baptised a Christian, she shall be buried a Christian. I'd be condemning her if she wasn't buried in church grounds. And there'll be none of this cremation lark, either. If it was God's will for us to be a pile of ashes, we wouldn't have these bodies now!
"Your tea, sir," Winston's husky voice pulls me from my thoughts.
"I didn't ask for-"
"I have been preparing this tray for four years-forgive me for not awaiting instructions." I didn't know Winston could do irony. But that's beyond the point. I shouldn't be asking servitude of him. If anything, I should be bringing his tea! I'm the young and ripe one-he's lived his life and deserves to sit down for once.
"Well, it's no trouble, Winston-I think I'll make it myself in future," I tell him, accepting the tray, feeling extremely guilty. It's never occurred to me before just how much Winston does for everyone, not just Lara. He brings our afternoon teas, he does the washing, cooks most of our meals, keeps the house spotless, and yet still has time to answer our personal calls. Of course we chip in with the housework occasionally, but we've all been making the classic mistake-we've been so involved in our own affairs we haven't even taken the time to thank this man for everything he's done for us! You know, I was wrong-he doesn't need praying for. His soul's already perfect.
"Thank you, Winston," I say gratefully. When he just smiles modestly, I press; "No, really, thank you very much. This house would be lost without you." He's looking a bit worried now, but why should he be? I'm not being funny, I'm being serious. It is people like him that make this world a better place. If we could all be like him, there would be no need for heaven...we'd already be there.
"Are you quite certain you're entirely well today, sir?" he asks me concerned, but I just nod, smiling. I've never been better, Winston-I've quite literally never been better. Having faith really suits me. I've not felt anger, desperation, fatigue, overworked…I'm just…happy! If I'd have known it would be this good, I would never have turned to science-no, no! That makes me sound like those typical Christians, in it to reap the benefits! But I'm not, I assure you, lord, I am not! Forgive me…forgive me…
I return from the church feeling as though a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. I told the priest everything. Absolutely everything. He was quite horrified by some parts of it, I will admit-but I do feel much better for it now. He has advised me to say three Hail Mary's throughout the day-one as I rise, one as I go to bed, and another at some point during the day. Above this, I must pray at night before I go to bed and attend Mass every Sunday. It seems we need to do so little to please our God. He really is as all-loving and all-forgiving as they say. This isn't the vengeful, wrathful God I'd been taught to despise…admittedly he does have wrath, but who doesn't? A little discipline is needed to keep us all in our place anyway.
"Hey, dude, where have you been?" Zip's casual voice emits from the sofa, gazing at a magazine.
"It's Alister," I correct, hanging up my coat and removing my scarf. "And I've been to church."
"Church?" he repeats. "Why again?"
"To make confession," I explain, taking off my gloves. It's actually quite cold out there.
"You? Alister, I don't see what you got to confess about!" he says sceptically, but I can tell from his tone that he is smirking. Well if he won't take it seriously…
"At least I do confess," I reply haughtily. "Which is more than I can say for the rest of this household! Winston excepted, of course," I grant him.
"Well, sorry if I don't wanna go talking about my personal life with some hobo in a robe," Zip mutters. What did he just say?
"W-what did you just say?" I ask him incredulously. "I really hope I heard you wrong, because for a moment there, I thought I heard you call His nearest servants hobos." I laugh uneasily. "I must have heard wrong, right?" Zip shrugs nonchalantly.
"Hear what you want, man," he mutters carelessly, turning back to his magazine.
"Well it's better to be hobo than homo," I hiss fiercely.
"Excuse me?"
"There's no shame in being homeless-but as for your lifestyle, well…need I say more, poof?"
"What did you just call me?" he asks me, sounding more hurt than dangerous. Good! Someone needs to tell him! "Did you just call me a 'poof'?"
"Well you are, aren't you? Or are you telling me you mistook the dangly things for vaginas?"
"Screw you, man-oh I'm sorry, I can't, you freaking monk!" he shouts at me, throwing his magazine down in real rage.
"Is that supposed to be an insult?" I splutter. "I have no shame in living my life admirably."
"That's not admirable-celibates are freaks who are either eunuchs or have commitment problems! If you think that's good, then you're a very sad man," he tells me.
"I don't need to heed the word of a homosexual," I say coolly. "If you expect me-or indeed anyone-to take you seriously, I suggest you clean up your act. I don't wish to damage our friendship, but if I'm to really progress and gain His forgiveness, I can't be in close contact with someone so impure."
Lara's POV
"He said what?!"
"That I was impure…arrogant bastard," Zip sighs, sounding genuinely upset. Impure? I know he's eccentric, but give me a break! Alister isn't exactly simple himself!
"What did you do, look at his bible wrongly?" I mutter, smirking.
"I wish," he retorted unsmilingly. Alister's really got to him this time.
"Hey," I soothe, pulling him into a hug. "You're not 'impure', all right? You're Zip-you might be a bit eccentric, but you're loyal and a great friend. And if that's not good enough for Alister and his God, then sod him!" He smiles at me weakly, a very forced one. "But what did you actually do? Misuse His name?"
"I wish," he repeats. Jesus, what did he do? "I'm gay."
"Yes, we know, Zip, it's been said," I smirk. He just looks at me then, really obviously, like I'm supposed to pick up on some subliminal message. I stare confusedly back, but he doesn't say anything. Oh… "Is that his problem?" I ask. Zip shrugs sadly.
"Apparently he can't be in close contact with me cos I'm gay and therefore impure," he tells me. Oh, that is the most ridiculous-I've had enough of this.
"That's it!" I burst. "I am sick to death of this 'converted' Alister! He was already driving me around the bend, but he is not going to make you feel badly about being gay!"
"Lara, don't, it's just not worth it-"
"You have nothing to be ashamed of, Zip-just like I wouldn't if I was gay, or…or Winston! Homosexuality isn't a crime, and I am not going to let Alister treat you in this medieval manner! You can forget me forgetting about it!"
"Wow," he mutters quietly as I exit.
"What?" I ask, turning to face him where he's sitting on my bed.
"I never knew you felt so passionately about it-I don't think I've ever seen you so…I mean, you've been mad and really passionate before, but not like this. This is different. I like it," he adds as an afterthought.
"I just don't like prejudice," I tell him. "Especially when it's against someone like you."
"Alister!" I shout loudly, storming around the house. That calm rage was for Zip's purpose only-Alister's going to be getting a bloody volcano! "Alister! Where are you, you bastard?!"
I crash into the library, eyes scanning the room for anything that might resemble him. A tweed jacket perhaps, or a sodding crucifix! He's not in the main bit, but I'm done yet. I thump up the stairs, still calling his name at the top of my voice.
If he hasn't heard you by now, he's not in here.
And you can shut up as well!
"Bloody hell, Alister," I hiss at the empty study. I almost get the fright of my life, though, when I turn to leave and find myself face to face with him.
"Did you want something?" he asks in 'the Voice'.
"Yes, actually, I did-I want to know since when did you become such an intolerant, arrogant, insufferable git?!"
"I'm sorry?"
"Zip!" I clarify. "How-how-bloody-dare-you?! How dare you talk to him like that, how dare you try to make him feel guilty? And how dare you base the future of your friendship on the condition that he becomes straight?!" By now, I am right up in his face, probably getting full drops of spit in his eye, but he doesn't even flinch, not once.
"There's no daring involved, Lara," he retorts calmly, wiping his glasses-less eyes, I notice. What, does God oppose them as well now?! "I'm just standing up for my beliefs, like you do all the time. Surely you understand the concept?"
"Not when it involves upsetting Zip for his being gay!"
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Lara-although I suppose it's too late for you now, anyway. You know what, forget I said anything," he smiles confidently and calmly, and leaving the room. What-what's he on about now?!
Sighing disgustedly, I follow him out of the room, determined to reach the bottom of this silly obsession.
"What are you talking about?" I ask him steadily as I can, watching him sit down at his desk and pick up a copy of the bible.
"Remaining friends with someone like Zip isn't going to do you any more damage than is already done," he explains.
"Damage?"
"Do you even feel guilty for everything you've done, Lara?" he asks me sadly. "Anything, in fact? All those murders? All that blaspheming? And I doubt any of your artefact adventures are exactly moral, either."
"And this is?!" I spit.
"Although, there is one thing you feel guilt for," he corrects himself, thinking. "The adoption? You've made it quite clear you regret that."
"Don't you dare-bring her into this," I whisper dangerously.
"I believe I just did," he retorts cockily, and then-would you believe it-looking back down to his sodding bible! Oh you want to be a cocky bastard like that so-called God of yours, eh? Well, let me show you a thing or two!
Without warning, I march up to his desk and rip the book out of his hands. He protests, and then his eyes turn into an expression of horror as I begin ripping the pages from it. They fall in great clumps to the floor, and then I throw the cover on top of them for good measure.
He gazes at me, utterly perplexed and speechless. Well, has God struck me down? No? Didn't think so. I stamp on the pile.
"What did you just do?" he asks weakly and hoarsely. Oh for God's sake, Alister! You think that was bad?! "You-you blasphemous, unholy, sinful-"
"Careful, Alister, you're going to call me by the forbidden words soon," I mock.
"Get out," he says just as hoarsely, turning away from me. "Just get away from me, now!"
"All right," I agree, but taking up the rest of his 'holy' papers with me. At the rustling, he turns to look at me.
"What are you doing?!"
"Saving you," I mutter. He watches me, terrified I'll rip them all again. Oh I wouldn't play the same trick twice, Alister…
Once I'm sure I've got them all, I walk defiantly out of the library. Alister is soon hot at my heels, at which point I break into a run, across the banistered hall and down the stairs to the roaring fire. I can't take this holy bullshit anymore!
"NO!" he cries loudly as I toss the first few into the flames. "Lara, stop! NO!" Ignoring him, I throw the remaining in the fire, and pick up his statue of the Virgin Mary. "No, please, Lara," he begs me, but I only shake my head, and aim it at his head. Like a normal person, he ducks, and it smashes against the wall behind him.
He seems to be in a trance, as he looks from the fire where the smouldering remains of his precious holy papers lie, and then to the broken fragments of his statue. A pity I never found his rosary-that would have been fun, to rip it bead by bead.
And then he looks at me, devastated, until…anger, pure anger like I've seen only once before, flares up in him and he comes charging at me, roaring like a madman.
The first blow lands unexpectedly on my head, and is accompanied by another…and another.
"Alister!" I shriek, raising my hands to protect myself. It's all I can do, he's got me cornered!
Seeing a gap, I kick out my leg and it makes a hard connection with his shins. He falls back, but he's not finished yet.
"You BITCH!" he screams, running at me again. I try to block him, but the force is so strong, he knocks me hard against the wall, my head catching the edge of the fireplace. He starts to kick me, grabbing my hair, punching me…and I can do nothing, other than punch blindly. He's got me pressed against the wall. I'm helpless as he continues to beat me. All I can do is scream…
"Alister!" I shriek. "Stop it! Alister, please!"
"I'll make sure you never disrespect Him again!" he shouts tearfully, grabbing me by the shoulders. Oh God it hurts…everywhere hurts…
"Alister, let me down," I gasp, as he raises me, gripping my neck. "I can't-breathe. Alister!" I kick out at him again, and he drops me, but pushes me against the wall again.
"There's only one way to get through to you, isn't there, Croft?" he whispers silkily into my ear. "I'm sure you're familiar with it." He turns me around, and smacks my face against the wall. "He will understand I am doing this to avenge Him," Alister says. And then one of his hands reaches for the zip on my jeans…
Screaming in fear and desperation, I elbow him sharply in the stomach, and accompany it with a punch to the head. But he just grabs my hair once more, and spins me around. I fly across the room, and land on the floor, smacking my head on the table.
I can't breathe…I can't breathe…
"Alister! What the fuck have you done?!" someone shouts, but my vision's blurred. I can't breathe…
I gasp weakly; "Zip," and it's not long-or is it?-before he's at my side.
"Lara?" he whispers. Yes, Zip. "It's okay, Lara…it's all gonna be okay. We're gonna get you to hospital and you'll be okay. It's gonna be all right. I promise."
Dear, dear, Alister...review for the full story, friends. Bye-bye! (and yes, for those observant people, I did use a Simpsons line)