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Chapter 7: Reality Bites

"It's not my fault this all happened." (EP 20)

Lina was just about ready to explode out of sheer frustration. Literally. Not that this was necessarily a hard state to achieve with her, but this was fast turning into one of those days, where nothing seems to go right, not even the simplest things which ought to have been perfectly straightforward.

She was certain that it had all started the very moment they first set foot in the town, whose cheerful sign proclaimed it to be Meriberg. They were walking down the street—completely peaceably, she'd have you know, and minding their own business as they admired the scenery--when they paused to let a heavily-laden cart cross their path. The driver looked like a fairly typical, hardy farmer-type, and with him were two younger men who looked like they might be his sons, and another fellow who looked to be unrelated. He was so tall and scrawny he practically looked like a living scarecrow, but he was dressed much as everybody else was in simple peasant's clothes.

The only warning the companions had when the day turned sour was the sound of a loud snap as one of the cart's axles gave out, which caused the cart to lurch to a halt and keel sideways, spilling a good portion of its cargo of produce all over the street. The sudden commotion drew an instant crowd, and before they could blink, the streets were blocked up. Sure, Lina inwardly groused, it just had to happen right here, now didn't it? Some deity somewhere must be having a really good laugh over all of this….

Lina was growing angry and impatient, and the press of the crowd made Zelgadis extremely uneasy. Things only got better when a troop of overly-beefy warrior types decked out in ridiculously puffed-out leather armor came strutting up, looking for the cause of all the trouble.

"Ho, strangers!" one of them bellowed the moment he caught sight of Lina and the others. Judging from the fact that his armor was the most ridiculous and overdone of all, he must be the head beef, Lina deduced. "What means this?! Have you come to our fair town to make trouble?" he demanded.

"Uh, not really," was Lina's perplexed response.

"'Not really'? Aha! So, you admit that you might be here to cause trouble,"

"That's not what I said," Lina countered.

"So! You attempt to deny your evil scheme to wreck our commerce?" the head beef asked forcefully.

"Excuse me?" Lina's face was beginning to take on a characteristic twitch that most people would recognize as the first sign of impending immolation.

Either unfamiliar with this expression or else lacking in mental capacity (it was hard to tell which, since this guy was making Gourry look like a genius), the man struck a heroic pose and pointed dramatically at the broken-down cart. "Now how will Farmer Thomas bring his goods to market with his wagon destroyed? You, who dare to threaten our way of life—know that I, the mighty Belus, shall stand against you!"

Lina pressed her fingertips to her forehead as she tried to remain calm. "Now look here," she began, gritting her teeth.

"My, my, Lina-san. You've made a new friend." If the cheeky, far too cheerful tone wasn't enough to identify the speaker, the voice itself was all too easy to recognize as Xellos, their favorite unwelcome guest.

"Hello again, Xellos," Lina snarled, not sounding particularly thrilled. She saw him opening his mouth to make another quip, but she cut him off. "Don't you even start."

Seeing that the Great and Evil Sorceress was now calling upon Hordes of Fiendish Allies (these being, namely, Xellos) Belus wasted no time summoning the rest of his troops. All the other inhabitants of the town—or those who hadn't been there already, at any rate—were now gathering around to watch the show. Xellos waved cheerfully to the gathered guardsmen, which, of course, only raised their hackles further.

"Why does that fruitcake always show up at times like this?" Lina grumbled under her breath.

"Why, Lina-san. If I didn't know any better, I'd start to think you actually missed me," Xellos beamed, albeit quietly, having caught her last remark.

"You—". No one heard exactly what Lina said next, but it couldn't have been very lady-like.

Belus and his guards edged forward, doing their best to look menacing in their ridiculous getups, and Lina's ongoing death-glare now turned back in their direction. She continued to mutter, and when her companions were able to make out what she was saying, they were dismayed (if not precisely surprised) to recognize the incantation for Dil Brando.

To everyone's amazement, it was Sylphiel who intervened. She stepped meekly forward to place herself at the front of the group, not coincidentally happening to wind up between Lina and her intended prey. She assumed a humble pose, hands clasped delicately before her. "Good Sir Belus, pray do have mercy. I am but a poor, wandering damsel, and these, my companions, are wanderers, too. We could not possibly be a match for such fine warriors as you and your men." She batted her eyes and gave a mouse-like little bow.

"Excuse me?!" Lina snarled from her place behind the shrine maiden. Just what does she mean we're 'not a match' for these buffoons? Oh, that does it. I'll—" Her silent tirade was abruptly cut short when Gourry placed a restraining hand on her shoulder. Now, Gourry knew full well that he wasn't the smartest guy the world had ever seen. He also knew—as Lina did—that they could wipe the floor with these guys. Heck, they could do it without even breaking a sweat. Therefore, he had the distinct impression that Sylphiel had some sort of plan going, even if he couldn't be sure what the plan was, exactly.

Amelia, meanwhile, was hiding a grin, which was shortly joined by one from Zel. After all, from what they'd seen so far, the whole village was a living cliché. That given, there was no "heroic warrior" who could resist the charms of a "damsel in distress"…. Ha! Score one for Sylphiel, Amelia thought.Still smirking at Belus' expense, she and Zelgadis sat back and let it all take its course.

"We mean no harm," Sylphiel went on, her voice smooth and reassuring. "My humble companions and I are nearly out of provisions. We came only to resupply, and find a night's rest for our weary selves. Surely you, in your kindness, can grant this most generous boon to souls in need."

"Why, of course, fair lady!" Belus proclaimed, puffing up even more (if such were possible—which, amazingly enough, seemed to be the case). "Fear not! I myself shall escort you to our finest inn!"

"You are most kind! Do lead on, noble sir," Sylphiel acknowledged, playing her role to the hilt, as only she could. Still a touch giddy from her spate of remarkable boldness, she stifled a giggle and actually dared to glance back at the others and toss them a wink, before turning to face forward once more and following their "escort". The rest gawked, looked at one-another and, seeing nothing else to do, followed quietly along. Xellos was nearly doubled over with silent laughter, but Belus seemed to have forgotten all about him. When he was able to catch his breath again, Xellos drew back a ways and flitted along behind the group from shadow to shadow. The rest of the group was used to it, and paid it no mind.

After a few minutes, the rest of the group arrived at an inn. Judging by the well-maintained exterior, it was a pretty classy establishment, and they all started to feel like things were looking up. The sign over the front door was emblazoned with the image of a giant, dusty boot, underneath which was a legend which read "Wayfarer's Rest". Lina elbowed her way to the front of the group and led them inside, where they sauntered up to the lovely reception-desk and its helpful-looking attendant…only to be told that, a thousand pardons, but there were no vacancies.

"Eh, heh-heh." Belus scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "That's right—tourist season started last week. They said all the inns were going to fill up. I sorta forgot…."

"Who does that remind me of?" Lina muttered, rolling her eyes.

Belus' look of dismay quickly brightened, however, and he insisted he knew "just the place". It didn't have any vacancies, either. So their first stop, the "Ocean View," (under the sign of a starfish—apparently nobody had told the proprietor that there weren't any oceans around here) was followed by "Ye Olde Reliable" (under the sign of a broken-down nag) and the "Rotgut Saloon" (whose sign bore the image of a grimy beer stein) each establishment looking seedier than the last. Their final stop, seediest looking of all, was "Ye Restful Inn," under the sign of an ugly, conked-out troll. At this point, Amelia thought she heard Lina demanding, of nobody in particular, "just who designs these damned signs, anyway?"

Thanks to its lack of curb appeal, Ye Restful Inn turned out to be the one place in town that still had vacancies. After determining that the inside looked at least a bit better than the outside, the companions (still sans Xellos) elected to take their chances and reserve some rooms. They opted for their usual money-saving tactic and took only two rooms, one for ladies and one for gentlemen. As the ladies entered their room and shed their traveling gear and cloaks, they had a look around.

"Hey, neat!" Lina exclaimed as she caught sight of the wash-stand and noticed that it had an actual tap that supplied their room with running water. Such plumbing existed in the world at large, but it was still rare and an untold luxury. "This place must be better than we thought." Wanting to freshen up after so much time on the road, she eagerly crossed the room to the wash-stand. She turned the tap to a pleasantly warm setting, and cupped her hands under the fall—only to draw them back suddenly. "Yeowch! Hot-hot-hot," she yelped, hopping about and shaking her poor, scalded fingers. She adjusted the tap down a bit, thinking, "ahh, this'll be better". This time, the water was as cold as ice. "Arrgh. Stupid thing," she growled. She fiddled with it for several minutes, never getting it to produce anything but super-hot or super-cold. "Hmmph. So much for that," she growled.

"That's too bad, Lina-san," Amelia commiserated. "Why don't we rest up a bit?'

"Sure…but is it me or is it really stuffy in here?"

Amelia blinked. "Yeah, it is, isn't it?" she agreed slowly. "But I could have sworn that it felt fine a moment ago."

Lina shrugged padded over to the window. "Let's get some air, then." She grabbed hold of the lower sash and pulled, but it refused to budge. She tugged harder, but no matter how hard she pulled, it still refused to move for several minutes until, all at once, it gave way and shot up the track, nearly causing Lina to tumble out the window. Thoroughly exasperated, she claimed the bed nearest the window and flopped down on it to relax a while. Within seconds, the room had grown as cold as winter in Dils. "What the—?" she snarled, frantically grabbing at the covers…only to discover that the bed was short-sheeted. A second look revealed that the other beds had received the same treatment. The last straw was a shivering Amelia observing how weird the 'cold-snap' was, considering that it was pleasantly balmy outside.

"Just what the heck is going on here?" Lina snarled.

"You don't suppose it could be Xellos-san trying to mess with us…?" Amelia suggested.

"I dunno, Amelia. This doesn't seem quite like him. Sure, he can be a nuisance, but he doesn't usually pull practical jokes 'just because'."

"He did have us chasing all those false Claire Bible leads a few years ago," Amelia pointed out.

Lina's hand drifted to her chin as she contemplated. "That's true. Of course, he still probably had his own purposes, but you've got a point. We can't put it past him, can we?" She thought about it a moment more, than finally gave a shrug and shook her head.

"Ah, forget it," she sighed. "We're not going to figure it out sitting here, and there's no way we're getting any rest now. Let's just go buy our supplies."

Amelia and Sylphiel agreed that they might as well, so after rounding up the guys they set off once more across town. The market district wasn't far from the town center, and before long they'd located the grocer's shop. This lightened Lina's mood considerably.

Within moments, she had the proprietor dashing around the store, gathering up foodstuffs to fill her orders. There was an occasional pause as she turned to Sylphiel, counting on their "pet chef" to think of anything that Lina might have missed. Unlike everything else that day, the whole operation went quite smoothly.

That is, it went smoothly until it was time to pay.

Lina reached into the folds of her cape and drew out a handful of "common coin," the universal currency of the Inner Lands that most traders were so fond of. The idea for an international currency had come from Seyruun, of course, on the theory that trade fostered peace and vice-versa, though most countries still had their own currencies, too. Such was the case in Ralteague, and the shopkeeper insisted that only Ralteague's money would do. This didn't happen often to Lina, but like the shrewd businesswoman she was, she was prepared for these eventualities.

She went for another of her hidden pockets and started to dig around for another of her purses, where she had set aside some of the local currency. Alas, as tends to happen with pockets, it had been a while since it had last been cleaned out, and it was now overfull of random junk. The purse must have gotten buried way down in there somewhere, but no matter how she dug, Lina just couldn't find it. In the end, Amelia had to step in before things turned violent, and she convinced the shopkeeper to accept Seyruun credit after some strenuous negotiation.

Now thoroughly exhausted, they gathered up their purchases and began the long trudge back towards the inn. Somehow, Lina was only partly surprised when the bottoms of their grocery bags simultaneously gave out.

"That does it!" she screamed. "I want to know what the hell is going on!"

Predictably, this was the moment when Xellos came out of the shadows to rejoin them. "Ah, dear. Rough day?"

Lina didn't answer. She just started chanting a spell.

"Now, now, Lina-san. You act as if I've had something to do with all this."

"You're saying you didn't?"

"Of course not, Lina-san. Really," he huffed, "I'm insulted. I don't do such petty annoyances." Well, he did sometimes make exceptions for Filia-san, but he wasn't about to admit that aloud.

Lina frowned. Xellos sometimes…phrased the truth to suit his own ends, or left out some bit of important info unless asked point-blank, but he never flat-out lied. Amelia and Sylphiel contemplated this same fact, and suddenly exchanged a long, anxious glance. "Uh-oh," Sylphiel breathed. It still managed to catch the attention of the others. "If he's telling the truth, then you don't suppose..."

"I'm afraid so," Amelia said grimly. "Lina-san, I think we've got a poltergeist."