For Now

A/N: This idea has been floating around in my head for a while, and I was finally inspired to write it last night. It takes place during HBP, right before Remus goes Underground. As always, special thanks to my lovely friend and beta, JenniGellerBing. Feedback will be greatly appreciated!

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He shouldn't be there. He shouldn't be standing outside of Tonks' flat. Not tonight, of all nights. Not just a few hours before he would slip into a disgraceful half-life among the feral werewolves. Despite it being just an assignment, he couldn't help but see it as much more. It was, in essence, a reflection of his true self. One that did not deserve to look Tonks in the eye, much less share a bed with her.

She had argued nonstop for two days after he'd broken up with her. But he met each one of her arguments with the same simple answer: he was far too dangerous. The look of utter devastation on her features was becoming too much for him to bear, and so, for the remaining five days before he was to go Underground, he'd avoided all contact with her. Yet now, the weight of his upcoming journey upon him, coupled with one last, desperate plea that he just please see her once before he disappeared, Remus found himself outside her flat shifting from one foot to the other, hand half-raised, fighting an internal battle. He was frozen in place, desperately wanting to stay, but knowing he should leave now. Knowing he should leave before –

The door opened and Tonks looked him up and down appraisingly. She met his eyes, and he looked away shamefully. If she'd been surprised to see him, she certainly hadn't shown it.

"Come in," she said hastily, grabbing him around the wrist and tugging him inside before he had the chance to think better of it.

She gestured to a seat on her hot pink settee, and sat down so close to him that their thighs were touching. He would have much liked to move away, but he was trapped between the arm of the settee and Tonks' warm body. Instead, he pretended to intently study the pink walls and lime green carpet, despite the fact that he knew them so well they were all but etched into his brain.

A glass of firewhisky made its way into his line of vision. He blinked rapidly and then grabbed the glass out of midair. He chanced a side-glance at Tonks, who touched her own glass to her lips and took a large swig of the amber liquid. He did the same. He was grateful for it, though he would never admit that to her. It calmed his nerves, just a little.

"So, you're really going in the morning," she said in a defeated tone.

"Yes. In a few hours' time, in fact, so I really should –"

"And there's nothing I can do to change your mind about us?"

"No."

She nodded. His forehead crinkled in confusion despite himself. Was she truly accepting this arrangement now? Remus took another gulp of firewhisky. It felt difficult to breathe. If this was what he wanted – for her to accept it and move on - then why did it hurt so much?

"Before you leave, can you do me one favor, Remus?"

He looked dubious, but at the same time felt he owed Tonks. For leading her into a dangerous relationship. For hurting her feelings. For possibly breaking her heart. "What's that?"

"Stay with me tonight."

His throat went dry. He took another sip of firewhisky, but it didn't help. He coughed. "Tonks, that isn't a good idea..."

"Why not?" That flat, defeated tone had been replaced by the more familiar passionate one, and her dark eyes blazed. "I'm not asking for you to give up your mission, Remus! I'm not even asking for us to get back together!"

He shook his head. "No good can come of this. Besides, we aren't together anymore. It wouldn't be..." He faltered, wracking his brain for the right word. He couldn't think of it. Maybe there wasn't one.

"Proper?" she spat. "It wouldn't be proper, is that what you're playing at? Come off it, Lupin! Leaving a girl just because you can't get over your own bloody insecurities isn't proper either!"

He sighed. Not this argument again. "That isn't what this is about."

She snorted. "Not about your insecurities, my arse."

"Tonks –"

"You owe me this, Remus. Just the one favor. You owe me and you know it!"

"No good can come of this," he repeated more for his own benefit than for hers. "Why would you even want me to stay tonight? You know I will be gone in the morning. Nothing can change."

"I know," she said quietly.

"Then why are you –"

"Is it really that horrible –" she began, loud enough to speak over him. She inched so close to him that their faces were mere centimeters apart - "to want closure?"

"Erm, no," he whispered, his raspy voice hoarser than ever. "But in this manner...?"

He gaped at her. Was he interpreting this correctly? After all he'd done to her, Nymphadora Tonks was seducing him. The thought made his mind reel. And yet – and yet...

She placed a very soft, chaste kiss on his cheek. It burned where her lips had made contact with his stubbly cheek. He was shocked and just a little bit appalled to find that he wanted this closure just as much as Tonks did.

Suddenly, his body – his entire being – seared with the desire to be with her once more. Starting from his lips that ached to kiss her, a jolt shot straight through every crevice of his body, to the very tips of his toes. He yearned to touch that familiar, soft skin. Feel the tingle beneath his fingertips as goosepimples formed on her pale skin. Watch the flush rise from her chest to her face, radiating heat from her to him.

Remus roused himself from his thoughts and looked into her eyes. He could see himself reflected in her dark gaze, sadness giving way to undiluted desire lurking dangerously below the surface.

He needed to say no. He had to say no. But how? How could he say no to such a simple request? How could he say no to her hot breath on his neck, those gentle yet insistent kisses, her soft moans in his ear as she writhed beneath him?

As if reading his mind, she placed two firm hands on either side of his face and brought him toward her. And just as she was about to touch her lips to his, she whispered, "Please."

He swallowed. "We – can't." Each word was labored, as if being drawn from somewhere deep within him, buried beneath an avalanche of pure want. He could say no now, but he didn't know if his resolve would last much longer. Not with her thumbs caressing the apples of his cheeks like that. She replaced her thumbs with soft kisses. Her lips traveled down his neck, leaving a wet trail in their wake. Dear Merlin, she had him close to trembling.

"I want this," she said in a husky whisper as she pressed a kiss into his jaw. "If I can't have you forever, then let me have you for just a little while longer. Please." He was so close to her, and yet he could see her dark eyes fill with tears. His heart plummeted into his stomach. "I know what I'm asking for, you haven't put me under an Imperius or anything. I know what I'm doing. I need this," she promised, placing a kiss on his earlobe before nibbling at it slightly like she knew he adored, "and I know you need this, too."

He watched his resolve shatter. It was as if he was looking inside of himself at the very moment it happened. She kissed his forehead then his eyelids and finally, finally reached his lips that were all but pulsating beneath her touch. She kissed him again and again, each embrace more passionate than the last, and he couldn't help but respond, throwing all his pent-up passion, regret, and fear behind it. Her arms clasped tightly around his neck, as if she was afraid he would leave at any moment. He thought fleetingly that she needn't worry...

He couldn't leave now.

The voices in his head that, mere minutes ago, had instructed him to leave were now all but shrieking for him to stay. He listened to them as she backed off of the settee and pulled him up with her. She almost tumbled as the backs of her knees collided with the coffee table. Without breaking the kiss – without even pausing to think – he placed two strong hands on her hips and steadied her.

She led him to the bedroom. He couldn't stop.

He lowered her onto the multi-colored quilt that covered the heap of robes and twisted bedclothes littering her bed, his fingers tangling in her short, brown tresses. She let out a soft sigh and then reached behind him to fumble with the clasps of his robes. He didn't waste a moment before ridding himself of his robes and then reaching to do the same to hers.

In an instant, she was pinned beneath his naked body in just her orange bra and knickers. He tore his mouth from hers to place kisses down her neck, stopping at her lace-clad breasts. He removed the bra and took one breast into his mouth, then the other. He relished in her moans as she fisted the bedsheets.

And then he reached down and pushed the last remaining garment off her shapely legs. There was nothing between them now. Nothing. Not the war, not his insecurities, not even her anger...

He took one last look into her eyes – noting the sadness beneath hooded lids – and yet, he knew there was no stopping this. For either of them. The sadness was and always would be there. With the war and the weight of the world upon them, it was all but inevitable. She reached down and guided him inside her. There would be a time for questions, a time for anger, and a time for regret. Later. But right now, at this very moment... there were only moans and gentle caresses and two bodies moving desperately against each other as one. At this moment, the world melted away and there was just them.

Her breath was quick and uneven and it ruffled his hair as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. He pulled her face up and his blue eyes met her dark brown ones, and as the world shattered and pleasure sparked an inconsolable kind of grief inside him, he saw the tears slide down her face in silent waves. He leaned forward for one final kiss as they shuddered together, and he tasted the saltiness of her warm tears.

After regaining control of his breathing, Remus rolled off of Tonks and onto his back. She snuggled up to him, curving her body against his side as she fitted her chin against his shoulder. He didn't look at her - he didn't want to see the tears again - but by the way her jaw clenched and unclenched against him, he knew she was trying to work up the courage to break the silence.

"I –" she paused. "I can... say goodbye now."

He turned onto his side, forcing himself to look at her tear-stained cheeks, the uncharacteristic weariness masking her usually chipper features. He watched her struggle to keep her composure, and he realized with a measure of sadness that she needed this to be on her own terms.

He might have been the one to break it off, but she had to be the one to say goodbye.

Remus nodded mutely, feeling that he no longer needed to speak – not that he could have anyway, for a lump had lodged itself deep within his throat. He slipped out of her bed, the chilled night air overwhelming his naked form like a dagger to the chest.

She watched wordlessly as he re-dressed. When he finished, he bit his lip and then, against his better judgment, headed toward the side of the bed where she lay. To do what, he knew not, but he reached his hand out anyway. Before skin met skin, she recoiled.

"No. This is where it ends, Remus," she said coolly.

He nodded and backed away, still facing her. And then he Disapparated.

It might have been his imagination, it might have been his desperate longing for her that led him to believe this. But he could have sworn, just before her gaunt face faded from view, he heard her whisper heart-stopping words.

The thought that she had whispered, "For now," to his disappearing form sustained him through many cold, endless nights.

Fin