How Christmas really happened
By Scarlett, inspiration from my boyfriend Garret.
I do not own any of these fictional characters, all copy rights reserved (whatever that means) I do on the other hand own the lack of a plot.
One day there was a smelly pirate hooker called Mary. Mary was a hooker, and a very stupid hooker at that. She never used condoms. So one day when she went to planned parenthood she found out she was pregnant. It was March. "Oh. Shit." She thought. Seeing that she only had 9 months to find a secure home and she also only had 9 months to continue whoring. So she went to her pimp, Kakashi. "Kakashi…" she began. When he bitch slapped her. "Where's mah moneh bi-atch?" "I don't got your money!" she replied scared. Kakashi stood over her "I said, where's mah moneh bi-atch?I need tah go get me some hard core shit, ya know where I'm coming from ya whore? Then I needa pay tha'rent! I need dat moneh!" "I'll have your money by December Kakashi." She whined sitting up.Kakashi stared at her "WHAT!? WHAT'D YOU SAY BITCH!" "I'll have your money by December…" she said again. "what you talkin' 'bout hoe?" he asked. Then all of a sudden a boy wearing purple face paint fell on Kakashi killing him dead…well not really dead…just unconscious.
"Hey, Mary. Whatcha' doin'?" he asked. Smirking stupidly down at her. "What??" she asked as he took something that looked like a mummy off of his back "Whatcha' doin'?" Mary sat there for a few moments realizing her pimp was knocked da hell out. "Uhhhmmm. Sitting." The boy nodded and sat next to her with the "mummy" in his lap. "I know whatcha' mean, I've been there. I can relate. I sit sometimes. Like….right now." He grinned at her and offered a gloved hand "I'm Kankuro." Mary sat still then shook Kankuro's hand "Hi…Kankuro. Now listen-" when Kankuro interrupted her. "Hey Mary. This is Crow. I love Crow. He's full of poison." He gestured to the mummy as he stood up and unwrapped him, as he did so. Many DVD's fell out of the wrappings "Crow has porn. Crow and me work at Wal-Mart." He grinned at her. "Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Mary. You remember that dude you had sex with? The dude with the huge house? That was Jiraya. Do you know what else? Jiraya is really god. He's really sorry he got you pregnant. But he says you can have some of Crow's porn. I love Crow, he's full of poison..and porn. Do you want some porn?" he held out a DVD to her which she stared at. She then got up and walked out as Kakashi was waking up "Tell him I died." Kankuro giggled "Kay." As soon as Kakashi woke up he groaned. Dropping his pimp act to act normal. "Duuuude….woah…where…where am I? hey! Kankuro!" Kankuro looked at Kakashi "Oh. Hey Ka-kuh-shi. What's up?" Kakashi grinned stupidly at him "I need. Some shit." Kankuro nodded "Dude…Crow has some primo shit. It's his poison. I love Crow. He's full of poison." Kankuro bent Crow's wrist and emptied some of the poison into a small zip lock bag. "There ya go boss. Oh yeah. Mary died." And with that he left, dragging Crow behind him……….
TIME SKIP! 9 MONTHS LATER! MARY IS LOOKING FOR A HOTEL TO STAY AT! SHE IS GOING TO GIVE BIRTH TONIGHT!
Mary groaned as she ran into the lobby of a motel 6 "Yo! I need a hotel! I'm having a baby!" the lady at the desk looked at her as if she was stupid "Uhm…hun? You need a hospital. Not a hotel if your having a baby." Mary got upset. This is the 79th person who has told her this tonight "hell no! my mother, and her mother, and her mother, and her mother gave birth in hotels and motels! I don't need no hospital! I need to keep the tradition!" the lady at the desk shook her head "I'm sorry I can't allow you to do that." Mary screamed and stomped back out to the car. "Youth?" asked her boyfriend. "No! they said no too! Damn it! Am I going to have to give birth in a barn!" "Youth…youth youth youth….youth….YOUTH!" and with that her boyfriend points at a barn across the street. "Lee. Baby. I was being sarcastic." She screamed as she felt another contraction. "oh fuck it! Get me over there!" "YOUTH!" replied her boyfriend and he sped across the street and carried her over to a large pile of hay. "Youth! Youth youth youth! Y-youth." He said hurriedly before he ran off to get help.
"I love you too!" Mary called. And she lay still for a few moments before she grabbed her cell phone and called an enormous amount of people to come over. Seeing that the other tradition with her family when giving birth is to have a lot of people present. By the time Lee got back with the help he had gone to get everyone had arrived. He walked over to Mary, toting a very happy looking boy behind him "Lee. Who the hell is that?" and beforeLee could respond the boy introduced himself. "Ohohohho! I'm Harry Potter! I'm Lee's cousin! Ohohoho! Isn't it wonderful! It seems your going to have a a baby!? Ohohhoo! What are you going to name him!? Oohohoho! Perhaps you should name him Voldemort oh yes that would be quite lovely! Ohohohoho!!!" Mary blinked. Then shook her head. "I can't deal with this. Lee why is he here?" "Uhhhmmm… you th youth youth. Youth youthy youth youth." Replied Lee shrugging. "Well if he can deliver babies then-" she was cut off by Kankuro. Who had snuck up behind her and was now sitting next to her with Crow "Hey Mary…Whatcha' doin'?" Mary stared at him for a moment before screeching "I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY!" "Ooooh.." said Kankuro "I don't know whatcha' mean. I've never been there." He stared at her before holding out a DVD "want this porn? It's the best. Crow and me watch it all the time. I love Crow. He's full of poison…and porn." Mary released a loud groan of pain "I need a name for this little fucker causing me all of this PAAAAAaaaaaaaiiiiinnn!" she screamed. Kankuro smirked as Kakashi stumbled over and sat next to him "Hey Ka-kuh-shi." Kakashi looked at Kankuro then began giggling "Hey, Zeus." Kankuro shook his head. "nah. I'm not Zeus Ka-kuh-shi, I'm-" when every one looked at Kankuro. They hadn't noticed him come in so they decided they needed to greet him. And since no one had known his name and had then heard Kakashi calling him Zeus. They of course thought that was his name."HEY-ZEUS!" they all screamed at once. "Fuuuuuuuck!" Mary screamed. Harry began giggling majestically again. "Oohoho! It's time for the baby! Alacazam!" he cried happily aiming his wand at Mary's stomach. "Oohoho! Someone was just born in the world!" Mary sighed when she realized her baby was born. "what did all of you yell a few moments ago?" she asked looking around. She kind of like what they had yelled. Kakashi turned to her and laughed "they were all like 'HEY SOOS!'" and with that he began giggling again. "That will be his name. but were going to be Mexicans and spell his name really stupid. We'll spell it j- e –s –u-s!" se said. And everyone was confused but they agreed.
LATER IN LIFE…..
Jesus grew up to be a famous rap artist with bitches, hoes, and a 80 inch plasma screen TV in every room.
Rock Lee was kidnapped by Gai-sensei and is now a male stripper in New York.
Kankuro and Kakashi are now famous drug dealers. Kankuro is rumored to have invented crack. They are best friends with Jesus. And now they get all of the bitches, hoes, and Mexican food that they can handle.
Mary now no longer whores as her son provides for her. She is very happy. And in her spare time trains her son's hoes.
Jiraya isn't really god. That was a pretty good lie though right? Because of that lie Jiraya never had to pay child support. So he spent all of his money on bitches and hoes. He is very happy.
Crow was lost in Mexico. He somehow ended up in Italy. Where he became the ring leader of a gang. We can't tell you which gang. Or else he'll make us an offer we can't refuse. And none of us really want to become bitches or hoes. After a few years. The mafia got tired of him and shipped him back to America. Where he was found again by Kankuro. Crow and Kankuro live together again, and they still work at Wal-mart. Crow and Kankuro still steal porn. But they now both have side careers in advertising porn.
The lady behind the desk at the Motel 6 eventually got fired. She then got a job a McDonalds. Where she fell in love with Sasuke upon his entrance. She became best friends with Sakura and they now spend time together stalking Sasuke.
Harry Potter went back to England. We believe he is still being English. I recently witnessed a plant growing so he must still be practicing magic.
No animals were harmed in the making of this film