Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of the characters.
Healing You
They do not know.
They think him to be cold, calculating, ruthless-and well he is- yet they do not see beyond that. It is a shield he bears as proudly and seemingly effortlessly as his own pelt, still it serves to do no more than to hide him further away from me where I cannot reach, where I may not reach. Still, reaching and seeing are hardly the same: he can shield himself from my touch but never away from my gaze. He knows it to be so.
The irony is never lost on me - he is unafraid of facing death and would proudly and most self-assuredly stand before it, yet there are times he cannot bear to meet my eyes.
The first time he had done so I had thought I had angered him. He spared me no glance, but kept walking. Since then I have come to learn of it and accept it accordingly.
It is no small feat to be able to say one intimidates a man - no, demon - of his grandeur and standing, and I, a mere human girl not one-and-twenty summers.
It is a power I do not much care for. I wish he could meet my eyes and speak the words I know he is thinking.
It must be lonely - I remember thinking as a child. Now, wrapped in the same loneliness I can understand the need to find one's solace in solitude.
They do not – cannot – know the tragic silence that is his heart. They have not heard it beat, how could they hear it break. I used to think the only person who could truly understand him was Jaken-sama, I know now I was mistaken. It is undoubtedly Ah-Un who knows our lord the best for Ah-Un has been my lord's companion many ages more than any other.
Ah-Un was there when he first learned of the demise of his well-respected, and (begrudgingly admitted yet undeniably) beloved father, Inu-no-Taishou-sama. A loss in military force as well as filial bereavement - a cruel blow, indeed, for my lord. He bore it resiliently, unwavering in his path - Ah-Un let this slip one night when the heady smell of jasmine had dulled his senses.
Later on, after having to endure the cruel decree of sword repartition, a war broke out. Many demons swore allegiance to my lord, but the one person who should have been there, who even my lord would have wanted-no, did want- there, was sealed to a tree. The only other testament to Inu-No-Taishou's glorified existence, was under a curse, put there by a woman he had fancied himself in love with. Is it any wonder my lord was unhappy? Jaken-sama told me one day, and made me swear never to reveal this: when Sesshomaru-sama learned of his brother fate, for the tiniest of instances, he seemed sad, regretful even. It had come and gone so quickly that Jaken-sama swears it must have been only his imagination. But I know he is right. I have seen him look like that, myself - and unlike Jaken, no amount of sake will ever dredge that memory past my lips.
I remember I was still a girl; a young girl. (At one-and-twenty summers, people consider me an old maid, a disgrace for not being married. I care not though. In that respect I am as much a girl-child as I ever was.)Ah, yes...many summers ago when the Shikon Jewel lay still in shards and Naraku reigned terror amongst the people. I knew no-one could hurt my lord; I had not counted that causing one's sadness was a way of hurting them. I knew it applied to people, but frankly, my Sesshomaru-sama never seemed to bother himself with such trivial, petty human things. I knew it though, even at my young age, that my lord was indisposed upon his return that day. The many moons we had spent together had taught me to read at least a little into his carefully guarded emotions.
That night, by the light of the fire, with Ah-Un and Jaken snoozing a little ways off, I had caught a glimpse of him deep in thought. The moonlight kissed his hair gently, the way he sat was poised, his entire profile appeared marmoreal and he looked as much as an ethereal being that I wondered whether or not I was dreaming him. The gentle summer breeze tangled invisible hands into his hair pulling strands away from his face, and I saw it: a mere flicker of emotion, the depth and force of which sent me reeling. A split second and the curtain fell once more leaving him an untouchable and perfect being, but I had seen it. His heart. And it had been a thousand times more beautiful, more sad than I ever could have imagined. That one spark became him more handsomely than any of his cold miens.
Days, moons passed and time tried to fade my memories of that night, but I held on to them as tightly as my conviction of Sesshomaru-sama's invincibility.
I have learned him better still since Naraku's demise and the near loss of his brother - I dare not flatter myself by thinking that look of dejection was at the thought of my being injured - and the more flaws I can find, the more perfect I realize he is. Still, it pains me to know he is suffering alone and miles away at arm's length.
Tonight, I decide, it is his time-his time to grieve and be comforted away from the inflexible rules of propriety he has imposed on himself. As I approach his glance moves my way; it's cutting through me. He needs this, Rin! I think to myself over and over.
I am much too terrified to speak. I hardly dare believe what I am contemplating to do.
"Rin."
That one word nearly makes me turn and run. I am not afraid of my lord-but this...this may be too much for even him. I find it in me to nod absently.
He continues to gaze - at me, through me, I'm not even sure - as though he is trying to divinate the future.
"You do not fear this Sesshomaru." his silent whisper is the closest I have ever heard him to pleading.
"I do not." I re-assure him.
"Something ails you."
I shake my head.
"Something ails Sesshomaru-sama."
He looks me straight in the eyes.
"This Sesshomaru knows no ailments."
I kneel before him as a sign of submissiveness, asking mercy, in a way, for what I am about to do.
"But, you have known ailments. And this Rin, will take it all upon her, Sesshomaru-sama, to relieve them." I see my lord look almost bewildered for a split instant and inwardly cringe at my choice of words.
Gathering all my courage I reach out and touch the sleeve of his kimono-the empty one-and as expected, find my wrist crushed in his strong grip.
"I will gladly accept and punishment you see fitting, but allow me to do this."
"You do not order this Sesshomaru!" He speaks in dangerously low tones.
"I do not. I beg of you, Sesshomaru-sama." I whisper even as he stands up, my wrist still in his hand.
"You know nothing of this, Rin." My wrist is released. "Go to sleep now. Tomorrow we shall go find a village where you will reside."
"No!"
His arched eyebrow makes him look bemused. He isn't.
"No." I spoke once again. "I will not go anywhere without Sesshomaru-sama."
"You will do what you are told."
"Not that."
He stalks close to me, I could feel him a mere breath's space away. Moments like these show him like the true predator he is by nature.
He wants to intimidate me – it is working, but I won't budge.
"If it is your wish I will die, but I will not leave you of my own will."
His eyes spark again as on that night many years ago, and when again the glimmer is quenched to be replaced with blankness I nearly cry.
"I won't! This Rin won't leave Sesshomaru-sama. This Rin won't leave Sesshomaru-sama be lonely. This Rin won't!"
He peers at me, obviously expecting me to continue, so I indulge him.
"Rin was never lonely since she found Sesshomaru-sama. When she first met him Sesshomaru-sama seemed lonely. Rin never wanted to let Sesshomaru-sama feel lonely ever again." I raise my eyes to his.
"But she did, and I did, and I couldn't stop it. I was just a burden. Will you not allow me to change that? Please...Please..."
The nod is small, almost imperceptible...but it is there.
With trembling hands I touch his sleeve again, and this time he lets me.
I raise it slowly, knowing all the while that everything depends on this.
The stump of his arm is smooth and neatly healed. Reverently, I let my fingers run across the taut skin, rubbing small circles into it.
I know Sesshomaru-sama doesn't need another arm, but I also know he hates not having it. And I know - I know - part of him thinks it is a sign of his unworthiness to bear Tessaiga. For me, it is merely another sign of his incredible strength, and I will make him see that.
My lips brush against it gently. A current runs through the both of us, and for a moment I try to pretend I do not know what I have started.
"Rin." His voice is strained.
"Sesshomaru-sama is perfect." The look in his eyes tells me I hit the nail on the head.
"Rin. It is enough."
But I will not be deterred. I know he would never openly admit how much the defeat to Inuyasha pains him, and how inadequate he feels. My lips seek out the stump again. Tonight, I will make Sesshomaru-sama see him the way I see him: magnificent, resplendent and wonderful. He has been my protector all these years, tonight I shall do my best to protect him, and mend the rifts in his heart even if for an instant.
I can hear his breath rustling my hair but I am far beyond caring. This is the most wanton I have ever been in my life, and I should feel ashamed. I do not. I look to his eyes and there I see the most wonderful sight I have ever been allowed to see: a vast expanse of raw emotion set in the most amazing shade of honeyed gold.
"Rin." I can hear the unspoken question in his tone, and I kiss his arm again.
"I am certain." I do believe this is the closest I've seen Sesshomaru sama to a smile. I let my fingers explore his arm, and look up to him.
"May this Rin...?" It seems my wantonness has just run out since I am blushing as deeply as the stripes on my lord's face.
He looks amused, and then a most horrible thought runs ice through my veins, paralyzing me.
What if he is laughing because I am so terribly inept? Sesshomaru-sama must have known many other women, I cannot possibly compare.
The concern that shows in his eyes gives me new courage. I am doing this for Sesshomaru-sama.
"This Rin is merely apprehensive my lord."
He nods.
"Rin. This Sesshomaru will not wed you."
The words pierce deep destroying one of the more foolish dreams I had allowed myself to have; still, I will not be deterred.
"This Rin understands."
"Then what motive have you?"
"With all respect, Sesshomaru-sama, you have borne a great many trials. I know they must have caused you pain to a certain extent. Tonight, Rin would like to ease those burdens Sesshomaru-sama. Tonight Rin would like to thank you for granting her life once more."
"And how do you propose you will do that?"
"The only way I can. With my sole possession."
He laughs. He actually laughs.
"Rin. I need no possessions. The one thing I desire and do not own lies with my useless half-brother. No Rin, there is no possession that will satisfy."
I can feel it – actually feel – my heart breaking, as another dream is laid to waste.
"This Rin merely wants Sesshomaru-sama to feel happy." I murmur willing my tears not to fall.
"How do you know this Sesshomaru is not?"
Because I see you, I feel you and I know you. But I cannot tell him that.
"I do not. I merely believe it to be so."
He looks quite grave now, and I see his mask is back in place.
"A foolish presumption."
"I apologise." But I will not let this pass. "If there is nothing I can offer to make Sesshomaru-sama happy, what would Sesshomaru-sama have me do?"
"I do not recall telling you there was nothing of yours that would not please this Sesshomaru."
"Begging your pardon?"
"I said there is no possession that will satisfy, and there is no thing I desire. Your own person is applicable to neither."
"My lord?"
"It seems my honourable late father had one last thing to bequeath to me, Rin. Do you know what that was?"
"I am sure I do not."
"It was a flaw. An irrefutable, fundamental flaw which try as I will I cannot overcome. One which was his own downfall, and which no doubt will be mine. But, given the choice, I can understand now, and I choose that which may well see my untimely demise."
"Sesshomaru-sama?"
"There is no thing I desire, but there is one thing I would need. It is not a possession, but rather a mere acquiescence. It is not tangible, but rather something I have no guarantee I can get, and that is what makes it all the more precious. Tonight, you came to me Rin, trying to comfort me – how you knew of my wish for it, you alone know – and out of custom I merely walked all over your gift."
He raises my face by the chin, and I am surprised.
"It was a wonderful gift. This Sesshomaru is grateful."
And then I am crying like I haven't cried since watching my family die – big, heavy tears from the very bottom of my heart well up in my eyes and fall to the ground. I cry out of gratitude for his kindness, his protection, his acts of tenderness which are so precious to me, and his acceptance. Then I am sobbing for Sesshomaru-sama, for the loss of his father, for the broken relationship with his brother, for the defeat which hurt him so, for the loneliness he endured, for watching the woman he loved die and choosing not to save her in order to grant her freedom. I cry and cry and cry until I run out of tears, and even so I continue to sob dryly, with my face buried in Sesshomaru-sama's shoulder.
"Hajimete-mita." He says softly, and I raise my head, confused.
"Your tears." he explains. "It is the first time this Sesshomaru witnesses it." He pauses. "Does this Sesshomaru make you this unhappy?"
"No!" I shake my head effusively. "I cry for Sesshomaru-sama. I cry in gratitude for his kindness, I cry in sadness for his pain. I cry to share the burden he must carry."
"You..." I flinch expecting to be called a fool but instead he lowers his face and I feel his lips brush my forehead. "My late father was right, although it has taken me some time to see it; thus, I have decided that tonight I shall not hide my shortcomings, nor my intentions from you, Rin."
I stay silent, partially out of respect, and mainly out of awe.
"You asked what this Sesshomaru would have you do to grant his own selfish pleasure, but it is nothing I can have you do if you do not do so of your own accord."
"My lord?"
"It is not a possession I seek. What this Sesshomaru requires is your acquiescence Rin."
"My...?"
"Yes. To share my title, and my life."
I feel my heart being squeezed so tightly I am afraid it will burst and before I can stop myself I catapult most improperly into his arms and hug him. I can feel him stiffen in my embrace: his neck is rigid and his back is painfully straight, but then he moves awkwardly and I feel his arm wrap around me in turn.
"And for future reference Rin. There were no others."
I freeze. Did he read my mind? Can he read my mind? I do not know that I should be surprised- after all he is Sesshomaru-sama!
"You must learn not to mouth what you are thinking."
I had thought I could blush no deeper. I had been wrong.
"But Kagura...?" I curse my inability to filter my thoughts before they reach my mouth.
He sighs and pulls away.
"It was long ago. We...understood each other. She chose freedom, I respected that choice."
I know. I know. You chose to lose her in order for her happiness to be fulfilled. Do you think I have not seen your pain then?
"Sesshomaru-sama...this Rin will be Kagura for you, if you desire it so."
"This Sesshomaru does not. This Sesshomaru desires Rin." His lips search out mine but I pull away.
"If it is so, Sesshomaru-sama...will you not allow this Rin to show you how Rin feels?"
He nods almost imperceptibly, and it gives me strength.
I raise myself and kiss his forehead. I always have been fascinated by the crescent my lips are now caressing. I map his face out kiss by kiss: his narrow forehead, the beautiful red markings on his closed eyes, the perfectly sculpted bridge of his nose, his high cheek bones, the stripes that adorn his face, his strong jaw, and lastly his lips, and when I am done I feel I have engraved his face inside my heart and not even time or death will ever tear it away.
"Beautiful..."
"Why, of course. This Sesshomaru is perfect. It only warrants that he be beautiful as well."
I blush, once again realising I have been speaking my thoughts out loud; but, I cannot help but be amused at his reaction. I can tell his comment is in jest, and with all the risk of giving him an even bigger ego I decide to be honest with him.
"This Rin loves Sesshomaru-sama."
He stops and looks at me as though trying to fathom something.
"As a husband?"
"As her husband."
"Rin, it is a dangerous thing to say."
"I know, but I want Sesshomaru-sama to know it."
He seems deep in thought over my statement and I fear I have said too much, but then his lips descend on mine powerful and demanding and needing.
Mine!
A/N: Anyone else feel this whole "lips descending demandingly./ MINE!" thing is the youkai version of a glomp? O.O Maybe it's just me...but yes, I have officially joined the ranks of the "needing, demanding lips of youkai that utter "Mine" when expressing their deep love for their women" club.