DISCLAIMER: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis Productions. No
infringement intended.

FEEDBACK: Love it, but no flames please I'm fragile!

SUMMARY: Repost of my 2003 story. After spending the night with Sara, Grissom starts to withdraw from her again, but everything has it's consequences. GSR NS friendship, CS friendship

SPOILERS:Set around season 3
AUTHORS' NOTES: This is a repost from 2003. I took this down a couple of years ago, but because of the latest surge of baby fics I decided to repost it. I'm taking my time on the next chapter of When All I Said And Done because I'm trying to decide on which way to go with it. As most of you want fluff,this story is just that. I'm not fond of this story, and I think that's why I took it down, but hopefully you like it. As always it starts of a little angsty, but then it's pure fluff. This was my third ever GSR story, so it may not be as fluid as my newer work, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Thanks again.

I'm actually back on the internet again. YAY! So there should be more regular updates from now on. Huge thanks for all of your reviews and pm's.

Shattered Dreams

Soft sunlight streamed in through the blinds in Sara's room casting a warm glow on her contented face. Her mind bathed in its heat, filling her with beautiful memories of the night before. Slowly opening her eyes she breathed in a deep breath. She shifted on the bed moving her hands to reach over to find the other occupant in her bed but was met with empty space.

Coming fully awake, she climbed out of bed to pull on her robe, covering her naked flesh and ventured out of the room.

"Grissom?" she called softly, fear starting to ease it's way into her heart as she became aware of his presence. He watched her carefully as she came to sit beside him on the couch.

"Why didn't you wake me?" she asked, her voice trembling with worry. He looked so sad sitting there, unlike the passionate man he had portrayed last night.

"I was going to leave you a note," he told her softly, unable to meet her gaze, as the pain in his heart matched the hurt in his eyes. The fear in Sara began to grow with his words. How could this be the same man as last night? The man who had willingly taken her body to higher levels of ecstasy?

"A note?" she breathed " Grissom, what is this? I thought..."

"I'm so sorry Sara," he told her sadly as he stood to his feet "I don't think I can do this."

"What?" She asked, her voice starting to shake as she tried to say the words that were choking in her throat, "I was a mistake?"

"Sara no," he told her quickly meeting her eyes squarely, his heart thudding painfully in his chest.

"What was I then Grissom?" she asked again, her hurt turning to anger. "What's the matter, Heather not available last night?"

His head shot around to stare at her eyes knowing that anger fuelled her words. He should never have let things get this far.

"She has nothing to do with this Sara and you know it."

"Do I?" she tried to control her breathing, tried to stop the tears pooling in her eyes. "I don't understand Grissom, you told me you loved me."

"I do love you," his hand reached out to touch her arm, but she snatched it away.

"Oh yeah, of course you do, that's why you want to rip my heart out and stomp all over it again," her heart ached in her chest, thumping wildly as the tears in her eyes started to make tracks down her hot cheeks. "Why are you doing this to me again?" she asked at last, her body sinking into the couch. "Why?"

He watched her silently, his heart crying out to her as quiet sobs overtook her body. He hated himself right now, he knew from experience how wonderful she was, but this time things were different.

"I'm all wrong for you," he told her sadly, "you deserve someone younger, someone who will always be there for you."

"Wrong?" she asked incredulously, "you call what we shared last night wrong?"

"No…yes," he rubbed a hand over his face, "…I don't know."

"Grissom, please talk to me?" she begged through tears. She desperately wanted to go to him, to reassure him he was her other half, the only man who could fill her heart.

He heard her pain, hell he felt it too and he knew she deserved to know the truth about him. "Sara we can't do this again."

"What?" she sniffed "you can't even say the words can you? You don't love me enough, that's it isn't it? That's what this is all about."

"Sara," he told her, the defeat in his heart making his whole body ache.

"I'm a big girl now Grissom, I can take it. I'm not going to go and do something stupid just because you decide to break my heart all over again," she got up off the couch abruptly and came towards him. "It took me a long time to get over you before, but I did it, I made it through. I'll do it again."

"Sara," he tried again, imploring her to listen to his words. "I'm losing my hearing." There he'd said it, finally told her the truth and managed to stop her tirade.

She stopped dead in her tracks at his words, trying to comprehend what he had said. His hearing? He couldn't love her because of his hearing?

"I'm sorry," she told him softly. "How?"

"It's hereditary," he told her quietly. "It's called Otosclerosis." His eyes stayed on her face watching the emotions wash over her.

"Am I the first person you've told?" she asked him, her eyes gazing into his soul, trying desperately to understand.

"No, Catherine knows." He knew the second the words left his mouth it was a mistake. He heard her sharp intake of breath, the hurt in her eyes shining wildly from her deep brown gaze.

"Oh I see," she nodded." I wasn't good enough for you to confide in but I was okay to sleep with, is that it?" She began to pace the floor, hurt quickly turning into tears as she let them go, to finally wash over her face leaving wet tracks down her skin.

"You can't do this to me again Grissom," she sobbed painfully, keeping her back turned from him " You slept with me before and the same day you left San fransico and came here, you didn't even say goodbye," she turned to face him abruptly. "Do I mean so little to you?" her voice cracked with her words "I am not some toy you can use and then throw away when you're done, you're killing me."

As he watched her, he felt his own eyes filled with emotion, he knew he loved her, that was never in question, but he couldn't let her throw her life away on him, not when she could have anyone she wanted.

"I'm sorry Sara," he sniffed back his emotions as he walked slowly towards the door "It's better this way, believe me."

"Better?" she asked, "How can you leaving me again be better?" The tears on her cheeks fell thick and fast, wetting her face to drip off her chin.

He watched her as she sobbed, his whole body shaking, it hurt so much to do this to her, but he had to be strong. "I'll see you at work."

As he closed the door, he stopped on the other side, his hand caressing the hard wood as his heart ached for her. He had to be strong; he had to make her see that he couldn't give her the life she deserved. He never wanted to be a burden, especially to her. Closing his eyes against the wash of emotion pouring down his face, he turned away, denying himself the happiness he craved with her.

Sara watched as he closed her door behind him, feeling her legs give way beneath her, crumbling into a sobbing heap on the floor. He had hurt her once more. He'd taken her heart and tore it in half all over again. As she sank into the floor, letting the sobs overtake her body, she knew she would never love anyone again.

Time ticked away slowly as the sun began to fade away into night. The lights in Sara's apartment remained turned off as the night covered her body, bathing her in protective darkness.

Her mind wandered to Grissom, he had managed to hurt her once again, and she had let him. She should have known from the last time he broke her heart that he couldn't handle anything that involved commitment, so why did she let him hurt her again? As tears trickled down her face, she already knew the answer to her own question. She knew the reason behind her weakness. He held her heart, he always had. He had a power over her that no man had ever possessed, and it terrified her to her core. He had the power to hurt her, to make her break out into laughter and as he had shown recently, make her cry like an uncontrollable weakling, and she hated it.

The alarm clock in her bedroom let out it's annoying shrill alerting her to the time she would usually wake up to get ready for work, but tonight she stayed still, unmoving, letting the loud shrill drown over her shaking sobs. She had to handle this, just like she did before, she knew that. She put his rejection behind her once before, maybe this time, she mused, she could be strong and never let him hurt her again. She couldn't let him back into her heart again, no matter how much she still loved him. No this time, for the sake of her sanity she needed to be strong, and that's exactly how she would be.

Climbing off the couch, she took a deep breath and walked towards the bathroom. Grissom wanted her to put this all behind her and move on without him? Well that is what he was going to get. She would be professional to the letter, speak only when spoken to and then return back here, the safe haven of her home, and pour out her turmoil. He wanted an unemotional CSI, well that's what he was going to see from now on.

Turning on the shower, she stepped into the hot water letting the spray wash away the tears on her face, taking with it the old Sara that everyone knew. Today, now, the new Sara would emerge. Stronger and tougher than ever.

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Back at the lab, Grissom sat in the briefing room with Catherine, Nick and Warrick. He felt sick with nerves at seeing Sara again after what had happened between them. He knew he loved her; he just couldn't let her throw her life away. She deserved so much more than he could give her.

His eyes scanned over the files in his hand, trying to provide a distraction from the impending doom that was sure to erupt around him soon. He had hurt her again, and he'd known he was doing it, but it didn't stop him wanting her. He would always be bound to her, linked to her heart, but this had to be, he had to be strong in this.

A gasp sounded from Warrick as Sara came into the doorway. His head snapped up at the sight of her. She looked stunning with her hair pulled back from her face, and the make-up she wore highlighted her features to perfection. She took his breath away, more than usual. This was going to be hard, he thought as his stomach tightened. His eyes stayed on her beautiful features. All traces of the early tears had gone, her face was the perfect picture. Gulping visibly, he noted that she didn't even look at him. She carefully kept her eyes averted from his, protecting herself from any sign of love in his eyes.

"Wow," Nicky grinned down at her. "Sara you look great."

She turned her eyes to him, his warming eyes regarding her with affection as she returned his smile. "Thanks Nick."

Grissom surprised himself by the pang of jealousy that reared into his heart. He knew she and Nick were close friends, so why should this bother him now? He'd made his decision to banish her, so why did this bother him? Pushing the feelings aside, his hand moved to the folders before him, offering him the distraction he needed.

"Okay," he sighed, picking up the folders from the table. "Nick, Warrick you've got a DB in a school swimming pool, Catherine, Sara we have two DB's in an apartment block."

He handed the folder to Catherine who took it from him and began reading. Sara watched her silently, wanting to speak but afraid everyone would hear the painful emotion in her voice, so she stayed quiet, unspeaking. Catherine felt Sara's eyes on her as she pretended to read, there was something up and she was almost sure it had something to do with Grissom. The pair of them were both acting real strange tonight. Closing the file, she turned towards Sara.

"You about ready to go?" she asked, her eyes watching her carefully as she saw what she thought were tears gathering in Sara's eyes. "You okay?"

"Fine," she nodded, cursing herself inwardly for her lack of self-control. There would be time for tears later when she was alone. Bringing herself under control once more, she followed both Catherine and Grissom out of the room.

Things seemed to go from bad to worse as the night progressed. Grissom had tried more than once to ask if she was ok and she'd just shook him off angrily with a cold stare, even though inside her heart was breaking when she saw the sorrow in his eyes. She couldn't fall for it again, she wouldn't let herself fall.

He approached her now, his hands aching to touch her. She was crouched by deep red blood spatter, her eyes carefully reviewing the scene before her. Grissom watched in awe, it always amazed him how thorough she always was in her work. Despite everything that had gone on between them, she was still an excellent CSI and they couldn't afford to lose her. So it was up to him to make peace with her and at least try to save their tattered friendship.

"Sara?" he asked, making her jump visibly. She turned to face him, her eyes devoid of all emotion. He tried not to gasp out loud, to let her know how her eyes bore the pain she was feeling, pain caused by him. Taking a breath, he came closer. "I'm sorry."

Sara watched him carefully, the beating in her heart becoming erratically louder, and she had to fight to stop the emotion in her eyes. She screamed at him silently, 'you're always damn sorry,' but the words never left her lips, so instead she nodded her head silently, then turned back to the crime scene.

He watched her silently. At least she didn't shoot him the cold stares that she had been giving him every time he tried to make peace with her. With a sigh, he turned away, pushing the feelings aside to replace them with the professional one's he had always stressed that his team uphold. Practice what you preach Gil; he told himself angrily, you just broke one of your own damn rules.

"Hey Gil?" Catherine called to him as he came towards her. He came to a stop beside her, crouching down to see what she was looking at.

"What's going on with Sara tonight?" she asked worriedly, "she's acting real weird."

"I don't know what you mean," he lied, unable to meet her eyes.

"You're doing it too," she observed. "Did something happen between the two of you?" She watched his face for any sign of emotion and was rewarded with the flicker of hurt in his eyes. "Gil?"

"I won't discuss this with you," he told her carefully, keeping his voice low in his throat. "I would like to remind you that we are at a crime scene that has no place for personal discussions."

"Yeah that maybe so, but when it involves two excellent CSI's who seem to be barely functioning, then it does become work related." Catherine's eyes bore into his, seeking some answers that he was unprepared to discuss with her. So she tried a different approach. "Look, whatever personal feelings you may have for her should not enter the work place, you make that perfectly clear to everyone, so as your friend, I'm asking, what is going on with you two?"

He opened his mouth, trying to find some forgiveness somewhere inside him, "I hurt her Cath," he told her sadly, "let's just leave it at that okay?"

"I gathered that Gil," she nodded "I'm a woman, I can sense these things. I know how to spot a woman who's just had her heart broken remember. So what excuse did you give her when you left her this morning?"

His head snapped up, feeling her words as if she had cut them into his heart herself. He knew she was trying to help, she was his friend after all, so he tried at least to ease some of the pain. But what he didn't see was that Sara had her eyes trained on him, watching him as he spoke to Catherine, their heads close together in whispered conversation. The betrayal hit her like a sledgehammer, cutting deep into her heart, ridiculing her further into torment. She couldn't stay here; she knew that now, she had been a fool to even think she could still work with him after this. And now as she saw the two of them in deep conversation she had never felt so alone in her life.

The end of shift came around slowly, bringing with it the end of a long painful night for Sara. The ride back to the lab had been made in silence for her part. She sat in the back of the car, staring out of the window, letting the banter from the two people in the front wash over her. Grissom's eyes kept darting to the cab mirror to catch a glimpse of her face. She was so quiet, she had barely spoken a word to anyone since she arrived tonight and he knew he was to blame. He had to fix this somehow. He couldn't lose her because of his stupidity, and even though he had pushed her away once more, he still couldn't bear to let her go.

Sara wanted to scream, yell, anything to ease this pain inside her, but she couldn't crack now. She knew he was watching her, she could feel his eyes on her even without seeing him. She hoped he was hurting, if only a fraction of what she felt, just anything to prove to her that he regretted leaving her again. She gazed out of the window and let out a tired sigh, in a few hours she could go home and then she could cry, so until then, the mask had to fall over her face, hiding all the insecurities of her heart beneath it.

Things were no better when they arrived back either. She retreated to her lab as soon as they returned; taking the evidence she had collected into the privacy of her own space. She knew people had started to notice her seemingly withdrawal from everyone, and at the moment she didn't care, she just wanted this to be over. She wanted the pain to end. Grissom had tried to talk to her but she just couldn't be near him, not yet anyway. The pain in her heart was still too raw. Sighing heavily, she returned to the evidence bags, praying that the night would go quickly.

In the locker room later, she pulled on her coat tiredly, the whole night had seemed to drag into long hours when all she wanted to do was get home and crawl into her bed. She was so tired, the feelings inside taking their toll on her body. She needed to get away from here to clear her head. Maybe take a vacation somewhere, anywhere just as long as it was away from everyone.

She was so deep in thought that she didn't hear Nick come up behind her. "Hey Sara," he smiled.

At the sound of his voice she whirled around to face him, the quick movements bringing a wave of dizziness over her making her legs give way beneath her.

Nick was there in a heartbeat, catching her before she could hit the ground "Hey easy," he soothed, sitting her down on a chair "you okay?"

"Sorry," she sighed tiredly, moving a hand over her face to ease the headache away. "Guess I'm just more tired than I thought."

"Well you're not driving like this," he told her as he reached down to take hold of her hand "Come on, I'll take you home."

"It's okay, Nick," she smiled, trying to convince him she was really alright. "I'll be fine."

"Sorry," he told her, pulling on his own jacket. "No arguments."

Admitting defeat, she allowed him to lead her out of the lab, too tired to care, but at the same time relieved that someone here actually cared about her. Sighing heavily, she took his offered hand and followed him out of the lab.

Grissom saw them as they walked passed his door. He noticed instantly that their hands were joined, and he didn't like it. Hot jealousy filled his heart, blinding his mind of rational thoughts bringing with it a new knowledge that what he still felt for Sara would not just simply go away. He couldn't help the feeling of doom, telling him that he had lost her forever this time. Sinking back further into his chair, he brought a hand to his eyes and rubbed them tiredly. He just wished he could turn back the clock and undo the damage he'd done, he just hoped he wasn't too late.

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Nick watched her carefully as she climbed into his car. Her whole body seemed to shake as she let a heavy sigh escape her lips, her eyes closing as soon as her head leaned back against the headrest. He had to admit, he was worried. He couldn't remember a time when he had seen her so pale before.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked her again, trying to reassure himself more than anything.

"I'm fine," she told him, opening her eyes to watch him as he started the car. "I haven't eaten since yesterday and I'm tired that's all."

"You haven't eaten? Honey, you need food, and you're gonna eat before I take you home"

"Nicky, I'm fine," she smiled again, trying her best to reassure him. "I'll eat something later. Can we please leave, now?"

"Okay, but I'm staying with you until you actually eat something," he kept his voice firm making her understand that there was no room for argument. So as her eyes met his she just sighed, admitting defeat, anything to get away from here.

True to his word, Nick pushed her into her apartment and ordered her to sit down while he invaded her kitchen. Sinking down into the soft couch, she felt herself relax. Easing her aching body into the cushions letting herself relax for the first time since this whole nightmare began. She felt completely drained. Everything inside her body hurt and she couldn't ever remember it hurting this badly the last time. Or maybe it did and she'd blocked it out, and maybe that's why she let herself be hurt again. The thoughts swirled around inside her head, making it ache with heavy pain as she finally closed her eyes, letting herself fall into the dark void that her heart had become.

"Sara, you want coffee?" he called out to her, his hand searching her cupboards for the spare jar of coffee she always kept on the top shelf. Pulling it down, he smiled triumphantly at the object in his hands.

"Sar?" he called out again as he pushed the cupboard doors closed again, then moved over to click the switch on the kettle. When he didn't hear her voice, he put the jar down to walk back out into the living room, his eyes instantly meeting her sleeping face.

"Oh honey," he sighed heavily as he came towards her quietly. "You were tired after all," he told her in a whisper. Reaching out behind her, he pulled down the blanket she always kept folded on the arm of the chair and draped it over her shoulders carefully. She looked so fragile lying there, tucked beneath her warm cocoon. Reaching out a hand he gently smoothed the hair from around her face to tuck it behind her ear before leaning down to plant a soft kiss on her head.

Turning, he silently moved back into the kitchen to finish making himself some coffee. He knew he should leave and let her sleep, but something kept nagging inside his head that she needed him. So grabbing the steaming coffee, he walked back into the living room to sink down on the couch next to her feet. He would be here for her, he decided, no matter what the problem was, he'd help her through it.

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Things with Grissom weren't much better. He couldn't get Sara out of his mind; she was everywhere, haunting his thoughts, turning them into mournful ramblings that made his head ache. He hurt all over. His body ached from the night of lovemaking he had shared with her, taking his body to new extremes of pleasure with her love. She had shown him how much she had matured over the years in both skill and beauty. He knew it bothered him that she had no doubt slept with other men, why wouldn't she, she was beautiful, but he still didn't like it. His mind wandered to her, and the pain in her eyes haunting her face. How could he keep pushing her away from him? He knew what he was doing, every time she came too close his barriers would shoot back up over his heart blocking any advance from her, keeping her away from his vulnerability.

And every time she came back, pushing against the walls around his heart, demanding entry until occasionally, like last night, he let her in.

"I am such a fool," he groaned to no one in particular. He'd had the opportunity to have the love of a beautiful, desirable woman and what had he done? Pushed her away, again, just because he was scared of the power she held over him just with a simple smile. How could he ever ask her to forgive him again? Would she ever?

Closing his eyes, he tried to push all thoughts of her away as he sought sleep, needing it's blissful release, but it wouldn't come. He knew, as he had always known, his feelings for Sara were out of control and it was time he faced them once and for all. Tomorrow, he promised himself, tomorrow he would try and rebuild the trust he had broken. They couldn't go on like this.

tbc