He was awake instantly, alert and ready for battle. His senses stretched out, trying to find the danger that had awoken him. Nothing there. Kakashi shook his head gently in an effort to clear it. His heart was pounding and he could have fought twenty men with the adrenaline coursing through his system. What was wrong with him?
He got slowly out of bed, moving as quietly as he could, but Iruka still opened one eye and looked at him blearily. "'Kashi? Whassa matter?"
"Nothing. Just going to the bathroom. Go back to sleep." He ran a hand gently over Iruka's head and the man's eye slowly closed.
Once in their small bathroom, Kakashi splashed water on his face. He still felt nervous and twitchy. Looking into the mirror, he realized that his Sharingan was spinning in a whirl of red. He gripped the sink tightly as the dream came rushing back.
Blood. Everywhere. He is running through a forest, searching for something, someone, and all the trees are dripping blood. Frantically he pushes through long slimy things that are hanging from the branches. His hand brushes one and he realizes in horror that they are intestines, pieces of skin, clumps of long hair with rivers of blood streaming from them. The blood covers him. Bits of body and bone cling to his skin, but he keeps running, searching.
After what seems like hours of ceaseless running, the forest opens up into a clearing and Kakashi falls through, dreading what he will find there. So much blood and tissue covered the ground that the grass is hidden and he has trouble seeing anything alive, but he knows that what he is looking for is there. A soft gurgling sound off to one side catches his attention and he looks up. As he walks over, he tries to make his feet slow down, reluctant to reach the source of the sound, but they won't obey him.
Just on the other side of a small mound of what looks like hacked off arms and legs Iruka is stretched out on the ground. A long slice across his stomach has opened him up and his intestines are spilling out onto the ground. His eyes have been gouged out and it looks like someone has decided to start removing the skin from one leg, piece by piece. The gurgling sound is coming from him.
Kakashi drops to his knees beside his damaged lover. Iruka feebly raises one hand and feels around for the copynin. "…Kakashi?" he whispers roughly.
"I'm here, Iruka."
"Why?" Iruka coughs and blood begins to bubble from between his lips. "Why did you let this happen?"
"I didn't know! I didn't know!" Hot tears fall on Iruka's face as Kakashi bends over him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"It's your fault. It's all your fault." With a final, damning exhale, Iruka's head lolls to one side and the gurgling stops.
Kakashi begins to scream.
Wrenching himself from the nightmare, Kakashi stumbled to the toilet and retched. He'd missed dinner that night, too tired and worried to eat, so he had nothing to throw up. Instead he heaved miserably, his mind trying desperately to block the images from his dream.
When the bathroom door slid open, he was almost too sick to hear it. Soft hands brushed back his hair and a warm washcloth ran over his face. He stared up into Iruka's face and wondered for a moment why it was out of focus. Then he realized that tears were streaming from his eyes, blurring his vision. Iruka handed him a glass of water and helped him to rinse out his mouth. As he pulled Kakashi to his feet, the teacher wrapped a bathrobe around him and dried Kakashi's pale face once more.
"Come on. I'll make you some tea." Iruka guided Kakashi into the living room, settling him gently on the futon.
The younger man returned in a few moments with a steaming pot of chamomile tea, poured two mugs, and handed one to Kakashi. He carefully wrapped his scarred hands around the warm mug, trying to stop them from shaking.
They sipped their tea in silence for a while and Kakashi's trembling slowly eased. Finally Iruka asked in a warm, but casual tone, "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong. I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me, that's all." Kakashi tried for a light tone, but even to his own ears the words sounded strangely flat.
Iruka glanced him with a teacher's perceptive gaze. "Don't give me that. You didn't eat anything at dinner and probably hadn't had lunch either. So it can't be something you ate. What's wrong?"
Kakashi stared into his tea.
"Was it a nightmare?" Iruka asked softly.
Kakashi nodded, a wet, gurgling sound echoing in his head. Haltingly, as if the words were being sliced from him one by one, he told Iruka about the dream. When he got to the end, to Iruka's dying words, his voice cracked and he fell silent once more.
Iruka leaned forward, removed the mug from Kakashi's hands, and set it on the table. Then he placed both hands on Kakashi's face and forced the pale man to stare into his deep brown eyes. "Kakashi, my love, you know I would never, ever blame you. I could not, do not hate you for doing your duty." He spoke clearly and deliberately, trying to make Kakashi believe him, but the silver head shook violently back and forth, mismatched eyes wild with despair
"But I wasn't there! You had to go fight Mizuki and I…I left you with a dog. A dog and a group of children!"
"And I was fine. You had a job to do. I had a job to do. We did it. Everything is over and it turned out okay."
Kakashi gripped Iruka's hands hard. "But what if it hadn't?"
"But it did." Iruka said firmly.
"But what if…" Kakashi started, but Iruka cut him off.
"No. I'm not going to play that game. I'm not going to wonder what if. Hindsight is a dangerous trap. You did your job. You were where the Hokage needed you to be."
"But I needed to be with you."
Iruka smiled sadly. "And I wanted you with me, but the job…"
"Fuck the job!" Kakashi broke in abruptly. "You're more important than any damn mission or village or person. If something had happened to you…I…I don't…" Tears coursed down his face.
Iruka pulled Kakashi toward him, stretching out on the futon so that Kakashi was lying along the length of his body, his head resting on Iruka's chest. While the copynin sobbed, Iruka stroked his messy silver hair and murmured soothingly.
After a long time, Kakashi's grief lessened and he began to feel rather foolish. He struggled to get up, but Iruka pulled him closer, hugging him firmly. He gave into the feeling of strong arms holding him. "Oh, gods, Iruka, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm being an idiot."
Iruka chuckled and wiped at Kakashi's tear-stained face with the sleeve of his bathrobe. "No, you aren't. It just hit you."
"What hit me? I don't understand why I'm acting like this." Embarrassment made Kakashi's voice sharp.
"It finally hit you that by falling in love with me, you run the risk of losing me." Iruka explained patiently.
"What are you talking about? I've lost people I care about before and…" His voice trailed off as he remembered the dark days after the death of Obito, his father, and too many others. It had been so long since he'd cared enough about anyone for a loss to affect him this badly.
"Exactly." Iruka seemed to know what Kakashi was thinking. "Neither of us has suffered such a loss in some time. Hokage-sama was dear to me, but it wasn't like when I lost my parents." The old grief still colored his words. "And now we're old enough to know what we're getting into and to want to run from it, to keep ourselves from being hurt."
Kakashi sat up and stared at him. "But you're not having nightmares. You aren't puking your guts out on the bathroom floor."
Iruka looked at him. "I did, but seeing as how you were in a coma at the time, I doubt you remember it."
Kakashi narrowed his eyes. "In a coma?" Then it hit him. "After the fight with Itachi!"
Iruka nodded. "When you fell…I knew something had happened. Barely made it to the staff bathroom before losing my lunch." His voice was bland, as if the experience had happened to someone else, but tension showed around his eyes. "I visited you every night, after the lights were out in the hospital. I'd stretch out in bed along side you and talk to you, hoping it would do some good, that you'd hear me and wake up or at least not be scared wherever you were. But after I'd go home, when I'd fall asleep, I'd hear you screaming in pain and wake up drenched in sweat." He shook his head, as if to clear the memory, and smiled tightly at Kakashi. "That's when I realized that I'd fallen in love with you—when the thought of losing you was so incredibly painful."
Their fingers intertwined, gripping painfully. "Then why do we do it?" Kakashi wondered aloud.
"Because it's who we are—human. Life is painful, but we go on, because it is also beautiful. I love you and I won't give that up for anything, not even death." Iruka turned to Kakashi, his eyes blazing with emotion. "Do I miss my parents? Yes. Every day, every moment for the rest of my life. Do I hate them for leaving me? No. I know why they were where they were and what they were doing and I'm proud of them. Do I dread the thought of you falling in battle someday? Yes. Every minute of every hour. Will I survive if you do die? Yes, I will. I won't be the same person, I won't ever feel about anyone how I feel about you, but I will, somehow, survive. And so will you if anything happens to me. Because you are strong, not just physically, but strong in soul. Otherwise Obito-san never would have given you this." He brushed his fingers lightly over Kakashi's Sharingan eye.
Kakashi stared into his lover's eyes for a long moment and then leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips. They settled back down on the futon, Kakashi's head back on Iruka's chest, arms around each other.
"Iruka-sama, you are a very smart man." Kakashi said proudly.
"I know."
"And I love you more than I will ever have words to express."
"I know that also."
Kakashi laughed at Iruka's cheek. They settled into silence for a while, until something Kakashi had been wondering began to pick at the edges of his mind.
"Iruka?"
"Hm?"
"You and Mizuki were lovers, weren't you?"
"Mm-hm. A very long time ago."
"What happened?"
Iruka sighed. "He is not a good person, though for a time he did a decent impression of one. Once I realized his true nature, I was no longer interested in him. I had hoped that Tsubaki-chan would be good for him, but I guess that was wishful thinking."
Kakashi thought for a moment more. "Did you love him?"
"I did care for him, but I was not in love with him. I don't think I've ever really been in love until now." Iruka wrapped his arms more firmly around Kakashi.
Kakashi nuzzled Iruka's neck a few times, causing the teacher to purr slightly, and then asked, "Was he your first?"
"Nope." Iruka's hands were running up and down Kakashi's back and he didn't seem to be listening closely to the copynin's line of questioning.
"Iruka?"
"Yes, Kakashi?"
"Where am I on your list of lovers?"
Iruka sat up, gently pushing Kakashi off of him, and smiled. "Last on the list." He winked playfully and kissed the other man. Then he stood up and untied the belt of his bathrobe. As the robe fell open, Kakashi saw that Iruka still wore the same outfit he'd fallen asleep in—nothing at all.
"Come, Kakashi-kun, I know a sure fire cure for nightmares." Iruka started walking toward the bedroom, shrugging the bathrobe off as he went and looking coyly over his shoulder. Admiring the play of muscles under tanned skin, Kakashi obeyed the summons and followed Iruka into the bedroom.
Much later in the night, after they had found their release in each others' arms, the two men drifted off to dreamless sleep, their bodies pressed tightly together as if each wanted to protect the other from the world outside.