I Am Kira
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. Or Lord of the Rings. Or Star Trek. Or Oprah. Or Canada. Or whatever else I've referenced in here.
Note: This takes place in Volume 3, before L reveals himself to Light at the university commencement ceremony. This is silly crack, too… a warning.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, so he saw Mogi approach this girl one day and tell her "I am L." Creeped out, she slapped him and walked off embarrassed. Matsuda gazed in awe at what he had just witnessed… Mogi pulling pranks? That looked like fun! So Matsuda decided he would pull some pranks of his own. But he wouldn't say something like "I am L." That wasn't scary enough. Oh no, Matsuda smirked mischievously, I know something even better.
He walked along the sidewalk for a victim. Light Yagami just happened to be walking home from the store. Matsuda tailed him for a few minutes before walking up to him and whispering. "Hey, Yagami-kun, I know something you don't know. It's about the Kira investigation…"
Light didn't turn around. Ryuk had alerted him to his trailer… it was that Matsuda guy his dad worked with. "Oh? What is it-"
"I am Kira."
Oh, shoot. He wasn't expecting that. In fact, Light wasn't expecting that so much, he clutched his chest and rolled over on the sidewalk and died.
Matsuda stared dumbfounded at the body in front of him until he was startled by, "I knew it! Matsuda is Kira! Arrest him!" Mogi and Aizawa came out of hiding to restrain and handcuff Matsuda. Above them in a helicopter with a megaphone, L stared victoriously down at Matsuda.
"I'm not Kira! I was just joking!" Matsuda pleaded.
"Matsuda-san just confessed that he was Kira and Light Yagami collapsed. Aizawa-san, check Yagami's pulse." L ordered.
Aizawa checked Light's pulse and looked grimly up at L. "He's dead, Jim."
L turned to Matsuda.
Matsuda began crying. "I killed Light-kun…?" he whimpered. Aside from L, the task force looked at Matsuda sadly. How could their sensitive, childish coworker be Kira?
"How did you kill him, Matsuda-san?"
"I don't know… I'm not Kira!" Matsuda bawled.
"You can stop playing dumb now, Matsuda. Now that we know you are Kira, we know you are really an evil genius." When L said that, the task force let out little yelps and tried to suppress their giggles. L ignored them.
"Why would I kill Light-kun? Kira only kills criminals and FBI agents!" Matsuda sniffled back his tears.
"Yagami-kun was looking at inappropriate magazines under the legal age. Therefore he technically was a criminal," L pointed out.
"What?! I used to look at dirty magazines at his age, too, and Kira hasn't killed me!" Matsuda protested.
"That's because you are Kira."
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
A hobbit jumped out from behind a telephone pole and screamed, "Both of you shut up before I explode!"
L stopped and blinked at the midget. But Matsuda did not heed the warning. "ARE NOT!!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"You killed another one, Matsuda-san. What do you have to say for yourself?" L glared accusingly.
Matsuda paled. "I- I- Can Phoenix Wright be my lawyer?" Matsuda pouted.
"This is not a video game, Matsuda-san. Though he's probably the only lawyer that would take you," L put his thumb to his lips. "If you aren't going to tell how you killed Yagami-kun and the midget, then I'm just going to have to…" He fumbled around in the helicopter and pulled out some handcuffs. "…handcuff you to me and watch you. Very closely." L licked his lips.
Matsuda gulped.
------
And so Matsuda spent several months chained to L. One day he was bored and messed with a paper clip and accidentally unlocked the handcuffs. So with his new freedom, he journeyed to Canada and became a Mountie. (Yes, he was still a police officer!) Papa Yagami got to appear on Oprah and tell his life story about how his perfect son was killed by Kira. And L eventually got arrested for sexual harassment charges when he tried to chain himself to random people, sad that his Matsu-Kira ran away.
THE END
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was inspired by two things: 1.) GreenLiquidBrain's signature on deviantART… "Matsuda is Kira" and 2.) A picture from Silly Sketch, a Japanese Death Note fan art site (where L says Matsuda is Kira and handcuffs himself to him) (e-mail me if you want the link)
The exploding hobbit is an in-joke from The Dark Writers. Don't try to understand.
This is what happens when I eat banana nut muffins.