Vampire Vacations
by xxnikegoddess
Summary: To prepare for her impending transition to the Cullen household, Carlisle devises a plan for Bella and all 7 Cullens to spend some quality 'family bonding time' together. The result? It can only be chaos when Alice is in charge of the planning...
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns (you) all. I do not own Twilight, the Cullens, or any other aspect of the Twilight Universe.
NOTE: There are occasional, but vague Eclipse spoilers in here. You have been warned.
"Please, Charlie?" Alice begged my father in a cute, girlish squeal that would've rivaled Jessica's for the title in a vampire equivalent of the Teen People Choice Awards. "Please, please, please, please, please can Bella stay with us, instead of going to Seattle with you?"
"Well, uh.."
Charlie looked momentarily dazed by the imploring doe-eyed stare of her smouldering topaz eyes. It was a sensation I had experienced many times before with Edward, and I found myself sympathizing profusely for him. He didn't have a hope of winning this fight.
I felt sorry for myself, too, because neither did I. I now had zero chance of escaping the impending fortnight of shopping, makeovers and torturously long pedicures that were inevitably going to befall me under Alice's accommodation.
"Well, two weeks is a long period, Alice, and I wouldn't want to burden Carlisle and Esme with the hassle of taking care of Bella all this time…they already have to provide food and beds for the 5 of you. Wouldn't want to cause any extra fuss, you know?"
I saw Edward smirking discreetly in the chair beside me, though whether it was due to the dramatic irony in Charlie's concern, or some other humorous thought he'd picked up in my father's head, I couldn't be sure. I didn't possess the power to read minds.
I sighed, mentally calculating the number of minutes left before Alice would win Charlie over, and I'd be handed over to her clutches for the fortnight. It was a fruitless struggle—me and my poor father against two indestructible, not to mention, insanely gorgeous vampires that left us putty in their wake. Oh, and both of them possessed pretty powerful superpowers, too. Where was the justice in the world?
Alice's laughter tinkled like a wind chime. "Oh don't be silly, Charlie, we have plenty of space in the house!"
Well of course they did. The Cullens did not need trivial things like beds or refrigerators. I couldn't even be sure if they needed things like toilets or showers. I'd never been brave enough to ask Edward such meager questions.
"And I'm sure Bella would love to take a break from cooking dinner every night, for the both of you," Alice teased lightly, playing the guilt card.
"Well, uh, that is true, she does deserve a bit of a break…but…" Charlie stammered, shifting nervously in his seat.
"Esme makes the best chocolate chip muffins," Alice announced decisively, as if the ability to supply edible homemade desserts was the only thing that really mattered to a concerned father debating whether to send his daughter off to spend the next 2 weeks alone with her boyfriend—oh, secret fiancée now, come to think about-- and his strange family or not.
"Uh, that's…great, Alice, but I'm still having doubts…I mean, I'd still like to discuss this with Carlisle and Esme first…"
"When is this going to be over?" I hissed to Edward.
"Hmmm?" Edward asked innocently. "When is what going to be over, dearest Bella?"
"That," I said huffily, pointing to where Alice now seemed to be reciting one of Carlisle's medical encyclopedias on how teenagers earning to live independently through experiences like holidaying alone would greatly benefit the developing adolescent brain.
"…She's almost an adult now, Charlie, and besides, she won't really be alone, she'll be with us the whole time! Don't you trust me to look after her?" she pouted.
Charlie, like any normal human being in possession of a Y chromosome, was putty under Alice's pleading gaze. "Well, I suppose there is some sense in what you're saying…" he admitted, breaking at last.
"Oh no," I moaned. "How long do I have till Charlie gives in completely?"
Edward chuckled at my despair; I tried to scowl condescendingly at him but I made the mistake of looking directly into his glorious topaz eyes. I forgot how to breathe, least of all how to scowl.
He carefully scrutinized Alice's face, pulling away from my gaze with a smirk.
"37 seconds," he said curtly, reading her thoughts. He frowned. "Darn it. I guess my wallet's going to be another $20 short."
"What are you talking about?" I demanded.
He smiled sheepishly, playfully twirling the locks of my hair. "I bet Alice she wouldn't be able to crack Charlie down in under 3 minutes. And I just lost."
"You knew Alice was going to win Charlie over in the end, and you made me sit through this anyway? I'm glad you lost your $20—it's the least punishment you should suffer. Though why anyone would be stupid enough to bet against Alice, I have no idea."
"I thought my presence here would make Charlie a little less of a pushover and more 'Chief Officer Swan'," Edward said, shrugging. "Hey, I guess that means his urge to tear me into pieces after Italy is starting to subdue a little?" he added cheerfully.
"I wouldn't count on that, Edward," I said, sighing. If she tried hard enough, Alice could probably even convince Charlie to buy me a motorcycle of my own. He was a total puppet in her hands.
I could tell from his disgruntled glances my way that the prospect of leaving me alone with Edward was the only thing that was slowing his decision.
"Well, I…well what do you think, Bella?" Charlie asked me desperately, hoping I would be able to bail him out. "Do you really want to spend the beginning of Summer here in Forks, with the Cullens?"
This was my perfect chance to get out, to avoid the nightmare of 24 hour shopping and Barbie dress up sessions that Alice inevitably had planned for me.
"Yes, Bella," Edward whispered, his icy fingers coolly tracing the nape of my neck. "How does 2 weeks of quality time with Alice…and me sound?"
"Mmmfnn," I mumbled. It was very hard to come up with a coherent sentence while he was doing…that…with his fingertips.
"And all the rest of the family of course," Alice added clearly, for Charlie's benefit, although from the way he was glaring at the close proximity Edward's lips were from my face, he didn't seem quite convinced.
"Bella?" Charlie prompted. "It's your choice, honey."
"Yes, Bella, your choice," Edward echoed; but his glorious voice made the sentence sound more like an operatic melody rather than a subtle plead for mercy.
It was so unfair. We were evenly matched, in terms of number-- Alice and Edward against Charlie and me, but we were both grossly outmatched, mentally.
I'd long accepted that I was pretty helpless under Edward's cold marble fingers, and it would've been abnormal if Charlie wasn't affected by Alice's dainty charm. I wondered, however, if he'd still think she was as cute if he knew she was probably capable of crushing my Chevy under her dainty ballerina feet like a ferocious bulldozer.
"Yes, I'll…go. Just enjoy your Summer, dad, I'll be fine," I sighed in defeat. Really, what else could I have said while Edward was breathing down on me like that? Stupid, cheating vampire.
Alice gave a little squeal of delight. "Oh, Charlie, it will be great! You won't have to worry about a thing! It'll be just like a great big slumber party for all of us!" She skipped off gracefully up to my room to start packing my things.
I groaned, my worst fears realized. I of course, had no objection whatsoever to the prospect of spending 2 weeks with my insanely gorgeous boyfriend, without Charlie hovering over my shoulder every 5 minutes, ready to chase him out at every possible opportunity. No, it was not that.
It was thinking of the words 'Alice' and 'party' in the same sentence together that frightened me.
She came dancing down the stairs again, my duffel bag packed in record time. "No offense, Bella, but you have a rather pitiful excuse for a wardrobe. We need to take you shopping immediately, before it escalates into a national crisis."
She was already bouncing out of the door, waving cheerfully at Charlie as she threw my bag into her yellow Porsche. "Come on, Bella, let's go! We'll get discounts from my favourite shops if we reach Olympia before 7!" she tapped her head, grinning.
Of course Alice would be using her special talent to 'watch' for any prospective shopping bargains that might be cropping up in the near future.
"You. are. so. dead," I hissed as Edward grabbed my wrist and dragged me towards the door.
He tweaked my nose playfully. "And I thought I was meant to be the scary monster." He turned as he stepped outside. "Bye Charlie! We'll miss you!"
Charlie did not look as if she would share the sentiment, at least not towards Edward. I waved desperately back at him.
"Love you, dad. I'll call you later!"
Edward had already gently, but unceremoniously dumped me into the back of Alice's Porsche before Charlie could wave back.
"All right, Alice, let's roll," he said breezily.
Alice was only too happy to follow his orders; I barely had a second to prepare myself before I felt my insides jerk with the sudden lurch of the vehicle as it accelerated out of Charlie's driveway.
"So much for being a police offer," I grumbled, grudgingly allowing Edward to wrap his arms around my waist. "I thought his job is to prevent kidnappings like this?"
"It wasn't kidnapping," Alice retorted cheerily. "Both you and Charlie gave us consent to take you."
"You knew you were going to win from the beginning anyway," I complained. My apprehension was clearly amusing Edward. I could feel his chest shaking with laughter underneath my body.
"What's the big deal, Bella? You haven't finally come to your senses and become scared of us, now have you?" he teased lightly, his cool breath ruffling my hair.
Alice giggled from the front seat.
I've had personal encounters with sadistic, homicidal vampires—numerous times, I might add-- and till very recently I'd been best friends with an enormous bratty young adolescent werewolf who had needed anger management 24/7. And yet, to this day, nothing terrified me like Alice and her credit card working together to turn me into a Bella Barbie.
I stayed silently, pouting.
"Oh, come on, Bella," Alice sighed, finally seeming to tire from my stubborn resistance to her attempts to use me as a life size dress up doll. "Do you honestly think I'd be dragging you all the way here if it wasn't for a genuinely worthy cause?"
"Well then Alice, enlighten me. What cause could be so important that you feel the need to separate me from my poor father and threaten me with endless shopping for a fortnight?"
"Oh, give it a rest, Bella," Alice sighed. "Even with Charlie gone, you'd have spent all your time at our house anyway. And as for the shopping--"
"What she means is, my Bella, that it is a big surprise and she won't tell you until we reach the house," Edward told me.
"But you knew that I wouldn't agree to whatever torturous scheme you have planned for me, so you had to abduct me by force, knowing I would have no way of refusing?" I asked grimly.
"That's right," Alice agreed, enormously pleased I'd caught on so quickly. "We're here!" she trilled, elegantly cruising into the Cullens' driveway and parking the Porsche in one, fluid motion.
Edward gracefully stepped out of the car, and before I could blink, had crossed to the other side to open the door for me.
"I'm here," he said softly, offering his hand in response to the worried expression on my face. But he couldn't keep the smirk off his face.
"It's partly your fault I need your comfort in the first place," I grumbled, but I gladly took his hand anyway. Edward was still Edward. It wasn't his fault he'd been stuck with a sister who seemed to have no grasp of the words 'taking things too far'.
"She's here!" Alice sang to the empty room; and moments later all 5 Cullens had materialized in the sitting room, right in front of my eyes.
Even after spending so much time with all of them, I still had not become accustomed to their painstaking beauty, individually or as a group. They stood standing side by side now, a row of immaculate life sized dolls carved by Aphrodite herself.
I only realized now how long it had been since I'd seen all of the Cullens together. I'd been spending most of my time with Edward, naturally, and Alice had often dropped by for occasional-- and not always pleasant-- visits too. But it seemed eternities since I had last seen Esme's kind heart shaped face, or felt the unusually heavy sense of calm and ease that came with being in Jasper's presence. I even felt quite happy to see the subtle grimace Rosalie usually reserved for me. Perhaps this wasn't such a terrible idea after all.
"Good to see you, Bella," Carlisle said warmly. "I hope Alice didn't give you too much trouble?" he looked suspiciously in her direction.
"Well, Alice will be Alice," I said, laughing more freely than I expected. Jasper's doing again?
Jasper shot his wife a look of mock disapproval. She giggled cheekily. "Well you know how Bella loves surprises," she said in her defense.
"Bella hates surprises, Alice," Emmett retorted. "But then we needed a way to get Edward back too, anyway. He's been spending so much time with you I almost forgot he even lives in this house anymore."
"Sorry," I grinned, blushing. Edward squeezed my hand and pulled me closer to him.
"I forgot I did, too." He paused. "It was a very happy time for me. Do you know how disturbing it is to have unintended full access to you and Rosalie's dirty minds every night? No wonder I can't sleep."
Rosalie quirked one perfect eyebrow. "Just because you're being deprived of your sexual needs, doesn't mean you have to resort to voyeurism and try and stifle ours," she retorted.
Emmett roared with laughter. "Nice one, Rose!" he said, thumping her back. I knew from experience it would be like punching a brick wall, but that was little trouble for someone like Emmett.
I turned bright scarlet- I was surprised the room did not suddenly set itself on fire from the heat emanating from my cheeks. We could not be having this conversation right now—especially in front of Carlisle and Esme!
Edward narrowed his eyes at Emmett. "It wasn't that exciting anyway," he smirked. He turned to Rosalie. "You know, Rose, I had no idea you had such a fetish for—"
"Okay, enough!" Esme chimed shrilly, noticing my pained expression. "I am all for passionate love and the like, but we have a guest in the house!"
"Aw, c'mon Esme, Bella's practically family now," Emmett said, striding towards me with arms outstretched. "Aren't ya, Bells?"
I did not get a chance to reply as I got suffocated under the full force of Emmett's massive bear hug.
"Mmmett! Puu muh doww" I didn't know whether he could decipher my incoherent sentence. My voice was being muffled by 20 pounds of brawny muscle.
Emmett only let go when a low growl began to form in Edward's throat.
He dropped me abruptly. "Oh, sorry Bella! I keep forgetting you're so…so…"
"…So human? It's okay, Emmett, it must be easy to forget that not everyone here is made up of living cement. But if you can, please try to remember I am not one of your irritable grizzly friends, either," I said, patting myself down and rolling my eyes at him affectionally. He grinned sheepishly back.
Rosalie sniffed disapprovingly. "Carlisle, didn't you have something you wanted to discuss with Bella?"
"Oh, that's right, Rose." He cleared his throat. "Um, Bella? We have something we'd like to talk to you about."
Why did he sound so serious? "Oh. Forks isn't harboring any more deadly mythical monsters out to get me, is it?" I asked.
I was only half-joking, but Edward chuckled anyway.
"I think being on the hit lists of all the most dangerous vampires in the world is starting to make Bella paranoid," Alice teased.
"Oh Bella honey, it's nothing like that," Esme reassured me. "It's just that…well. Carlisle?"
Carlisle nodded, and smiled at me warmly. "Well, you see, Bella, Emmett's right- you are pretty much family now--"
"And it's going to be in a much more literal sense too, soon," Alice interrupted, winking at me and wagging one of her fingers at me. Too late I realized she was indicating her ring finger. Oh right. The wedding. Crap.
"Well, yes, that too" Carlisle agreed. "Well Esme and I both agreed that while you undoubtedly belong to this household, at least in a metaphoric sense for now, it seems there's rarely been a time when all eight of us have really spent some good quality time together, as a family. To be honest, the only real experiences all of us have shared together, I think, are--"
"Saving Bella from the clutches of a sadistic, homicidal vampire?" Emmett suggested.
"And his psychotic, vengeful mate," Rosalie added.
"Don't forget coming up with battle plans to defeat an evil army made up of the spawn of said psychotic, vengeful mate," Jasper reminded them proudly.
"And of course holding her hostage here and preventing from getting herself marauded by those damn werewolves," Alice chimed in, determined not to be left out.
"Anyone else?" I asked, sighing. Edward's lips were twitching violently from the effort of trying not to laugh.
Carlisle gave me a sympathetic look.
"He's feeling sorry for you, knowing that you're going to have to live with this," – Edward interpreted his thoughts, gesturing at his siblings—"For the rest of eternity. I do, too," he added as an afterthought.
Carlisle cleared his throat. "Anyway, Bella, the point is, since you're going to permanently join us soon, I thought it would be a good idea for us to spend some quality time together, to really bond—as a family. Really start adjusting to your new life, give you a taste of what's in store. What do you say?"
"Oh, you mean apart from the sleepless nights and the whole heart-stops-beating thing?" I joked. "Well, um, that'd be okay, I guess. What did you have in mind? We can't exactly enjoy a nice big family dinner at TGI Fridays together…"
"Hey, you know what both humans and vampires can enjoy?" Alice chimed in with her usual excessive enthusiasm.
"DON'T SAY SHOPPING!" Jasper, Emmett and Edward yelled at once.
"Boys! What did I say about shouting in the house?" Esme scolded.
Alice seemed undeterred by their outburst. "Actually, I was going to say--"
"Makeovers are out too," Rosalie added curtly. Of course it was out. All of them were stunningly perfect already- there was nothing left to makeover.
Alice scowled. "Well it was just a suggestion…"
"Actually, Bella," Carlisle sighed, clearly exasperated from the constant interruptions. "Esme and I were thinking something more…major. Well, Edward mentioned that you rarely travel--"
"Except when running off to meet her sadistic killers or flying to Italy to rescue Edward from the depths of his teenage angst," Alice commented. Edward shot her a dirty look.
"Well, yes-- god is it another defining characteristic of vampires to constantly interrupt each other every five seconds?" Carlisle groaned, and then suddenly looked worried. "Someone really ought to do some medical research into it--"
Jasper rolled his eyes. "What he's been trying to say for the last 5 minutes, Bella, is that we want you to come on holiday with us."
I blinked at them, completely blank. "Um, what?"
"We're going on a family trip," Rosalie repeated, enunciating slowly, as if I was slow in the brain.
"You want me to go on a family trip with you?" I asked, astounded.
"Well, yes," Esme said, looking as confused as I felt. "Is that a problem?"
"You want me to go on a family trip with you," I stated again, not quite believing the words even the third time around.
Carlisle nodded clearly, hoping to get the message along nice and clear. He didn't.
"You want me to go on a family trip with you," I breathed again, still in utter disbelief.
"Yes, we want you to come on a family trip with us," Emmett said, trying to emphasize different parts of the sentence to see if it was helping me understand at all.
"Did she suddenly forget how to speak English?" Rosalie hissed.
"I'll bet it was the influence of those filthy dogs," Alice muttered.
"Alice!" Esme scolded. "I won't tolerate that sort of prejudiced language! All creatures were created equal."
"That's good for you, then, Emmett – they'll be equally as fun to hunt down as grizzlies then," Edward said, snickering.
"Um, guys, back to Bella and her sudden dilemma of forgetting the fundamentals of basic communicative English?" Jasper motioned. All fourteen dazzling ocher eyes turned to look at me. I immediately blushed.
"Sorry," I mumbled. "I'm just…"
I was struggling to find words to describe the wave of emotion I was struggling to fight brought on by Carlisle's strange request. They actually wanted me with them.
I wasn't even a…a vampire yet; they'd have to fend with all the extra nuisances of bringing a human along on their holiday, like providing food and searching for entertainment to last them the night, while I slept, and yet they were all willing to suffer through it for me.
They could easily have waited until I'd become one of them—they didn't have long to wait—but they wanted to help me adjust as soon as possible…all of them. Carlisle. Esme. Alice. Jasper. Edward. Even Rosalie.
It was going to be unimaginably painful to leave Renee and Charlie behind in my immortal life, but I was already being accepted into the Cullen family unexceptionally, even in my mere human form. If Carlisle and Esme possessed hearts in the first place, they would've owned the warmest, kindest ones in Forks.
"What is it, Bella?" Carlisle inquired anxiously. "Do you feel sick?"
"I wish you could read my thoughts right now, Edward," I told him. "I can't exactly put my feelings into words at the moment."
He frowned. "Jasper, is there a way you can dull Bella's confusion down? That's an emotion, right?"
I shook my head and hugged his arm fondly. "I'm just…so grateful I'm going to get stranded with the best vampire family a girl could ever wish for."
"You're the only girl who'd ever wish for a vampire family in the first place," Edward mumbled in disbelief, lightly kissing my head.
"Does that mean you're coming then?" Emmett asked eagerly.
"Of course!" I grinned. "Road trip with my future family, out of Forks. What more could I want?"
"Um, your mortality?" Edward sighed.
"That argument's already over, Edward, remember?" I waved my left hand in his face. The ring wasn't actually on my finger at the moment, but it was the thought that counts. "So, Carlisle, where are we going then? I don't really fancy dropping by the Volturi's teahouse for another few years, if you don't mind."
"Of course," Carlisle agreed. "To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. We're relying on Alice to come up with the most suitable suggestion."
"Alice?"
"Carlisle's keeping her on weather duty," Jasper explained. "We'll be headed to anywhere that's guaranteed to be as sunless as possible…she hasn't really seen anywhere decent yet, save for Antarctica. And none of us really fancy Penguin meat for a fortnight…"
"It's okay, right?" Edward asked me worriedly. "Would you prefer somewhere sunny?"
"Don't be stupid," I chided him. "We'll go wherever Alice takes us."
Edward gave me a 'oh-now-you've-done-it' look. I realized what I'd just said, and regretted my words instantly.
"Great!" she sang jubilantly. "Well right now, Alice is going to take you shopping!" I was dragged helplessly out of the door under her iron vice-grip around my wrist.
"Edwaaarrdd!" I wailed, but Alice had already thrown me into her glossy yellow Porsche and kick started the engine before he could come rescue me.
I suddenly realized the extent of what this whole family-bonding-holiday thing could mean. I shuddered to think of how many more kidnap schemes Alice had planned for me in the next 2 weeks—clearly, that one time under Edward's command had awakened a thirst for this ridiculous new hobby.
Holidaying with a family of potentially lethal vampires that thirsted for my blood? Sure thing, I could handle that easily. But 2 weeks of this ridiculous kidnapping business every time the word 'shopping' was mentioned in front of Alice—heck, even when it wasn't —? I hadn't quite built up the appropriate defenses for that yet.
A 2 week vacation with—and only with-- the Cullens. Was I ready for it?
A/N: Oh man...after weeks of obsessing I finally have my first Twilight fanfic up, yay! Any suggestions/scenarios you think of, leave it in a review, and it may be included in a future chapter! Please drop a review anyway if you enjoyed (or didn't enjoy) this chapter. Thanks for reading!