Warnings: It's very angsty and I'm sorry for that.
It's too quiet, Fred. It's eerie, the walls almost seem to echo my thoughts, because they're the loudest things I hear these days. It's cold, especially our bed, because I'm alone and you're not there to hold me and kiss me, and I kind of need that, and I never appreciated it as much as I should. I guess it's true when they say you never notice what you have until it's gone. Most days, I don't know what to do with myself, and some mornings I wake up and expect to have you walk in and pounce on me and prepare me for the day ahead of wheeze selling and new product making. But then I remember, and I end up sinking back into the bed and dream some more. Quiet frankly, Fred, I need you.
So that's why I'm stumbling around now, a half empty bottle of firewhiskey slushing around in my hand and splashing out to soak the sleeve of my shirt. Oh who cares now, it won't matter soon. Sometimes when it's really late at night, and I can't sleep and all I can hear is the wind rustling, I hear something moving around in our, my, closet. Remember, like it used to happen when we were seven and we could still sleep in the same bed, and I used to imagine that yellow eyed creature in there, and you'd have to go and open the closet and make sure there was nothing there? Well... I think it's back, and you're not here to make it go away. Please, Fred, make it go away.
The door opens on it's own sometimes, it might be because of the wind, but I always think it's you, and my heart skips a beat or two. So I opened the door one night, and I saw you Fred, lying there, motionless with that smile of yours, the one that haunts me, the one you had plastered on your face when Percy brought you down. Gods, Fred... I was so scared. Which is why I'm in the bathroom now and fumbling through the medicine cabinet and pulling down bottle after bottle and scooping them into my mouth and downing them with my now warm firewhiskey.
And I remember the first time I drank firewhiskey, it was with you and you snuck it from dad and he never did find out, atleast he never said anything. And you were so cute with your funny smile and the way your kisses were sloppy and your touch was weak, and it was the only time I ever saw you weak. Because you were always strong. So then we promised to go everywhere together and we promised on it. Because, Fred, you left all these marks on me, each bite mark and love stain and finger shaped bruise told everyone that I belonged to you. Now they're all fading, which means maybe I should be fading too.
And it feels good, sort of. Like... I'm numb and can't feel anything. Not even hurt or guilt for losing you. Sometimes I feel like I should be mad at you, because you promised me you'd never leave and I promised you back, because after the whole ear incident, you were so freaked, and I understand why. I feel like I should be mad, because you didn't keep your promise! And you're not here to keep me safe anymore, and I really miss you, and I want to hurt you back at the same time. But I'm not strong enough.
And I wish you were with me Fred, in the bath tub and I could sit there and count your freckles and slip my hands up and down your body like spiders, and I can look into your summer eyes and I can kiss your lips until they're swollen and I can't feel mine anymore. Because I need that, not this, because that's what I had. Because we both knew someday we'd die, but we always expected it to be together, and now you're gone. So now I'm coming to follow you, and I hope I'm not too far behind, maybe you're waiting for me? Because maybe you're waiting to leave more bruises and bite marks, to make me yours once again.
And now I'm slipping into the bathtub, and my feet are uncomfortable because you know I don't like wet socks. My trousers are sticking to my legs and my white shirt is almost see through in the water. But I can hardly feel it anymore, not even my socks, my pants, or if the water is hot or cold. Because of the medicine and firewhiskey, which is still clutched in my hand. And Fred, would you still love me if I told you I was scared right now?
I know, you said that I shouldn't be scared anymore of anything. But that was because you were there, and where are you now? Oh my Fred, I'm so scared. But I can't really hold on that much anymore, because it just seems like I'm only half alive, because you were keeping me alive. Because it's just too quiet and cold. Ron, Ginny, Bill, Charlie, and Percy always try and tell me that I still have them, but it's not the same, Fred. Because I didn't wake up next to them for 19 years of my life, I didn't fall asleep every night in their arms for 19 years of my life, they didn't fight the monsters off for me like you did, Fred. I can't hold it anymore.
And now my head is screaming, and my eyesight is swirling around, and I'm still scared. So I reach my hand out, because I'm still used to having your hand to hold whenever I was scared, and this is the most scared I think I've ever been in my life. My heart seems to be pounding in my throat, and I just wish I could bite my tongue so hard that the blood would wash down and fill my lungs until they explode, because my heart is so empty now, it just can't contain all this empty space... and I can feel it break. Because the kisses you left around it have all faded away, and I must fade with them.
I'm scared because I can't feel anything at all now, not even myself. I grasp for something, and it's there, and I knock over everything else trying to find it, because I can't move my head to see because it hurts so bad. I pick it up, its small and I could drop it at any second because my hands are shaking so bad, but I know how to do this now, because I've seen it, and I drag the jagged edge down my wrist and watch as it rips my skin open and the blood gushes out. My mouth drops open, because I can feel this, I can feel this pain, Fred. I'm so scared now. Oh Fred, please, please come hold me now. I need you more than ever, because this hurts so bad. I drop my arm into the water, and watch as the water changes from murky to crimson red, the blood won't stop and the pain won't go away and the water is seeping into my broken vein now I reckon.
But it hurts so bad, Fred. Did it hurt for you? But there you are in front of me, that same cold and dead face with the smile, and you don't move or leave, you're body just hanging over me. And I reach out to touch you, but I can't feel you, I don't touch you. Because now my eyes are closing, and I figure that soon enough, Fred, me and you will be together again. And, really, that's all I ever wanted in the first place. Because the bruises have finally faded, and it's time for me to fade too.
It's so dark, and I cried while writing it. But I had to because there was a ghost in my heart and I had to let it out somehow. It's so angsty I can't even look at it the same way, because I hardly ever write like this. I've got a fluffy story somewhere coming up, promise. I just feel so sad for George, he lost the biggest part of him, and I can understand how he feels sometimes.