Disclaimer: Don't own nothing…
Chapter 01
Frenemies
"Listen here, Gnome. I don't give a shit if your precious Hokage-sama is busy right now!"
Oh, here we go again…
Alone and unobserved in his office (…and wasn't that a place he'd sworn never to call his own?) Uchiha Itachi gave into the urge to bang his head onto his desk. Repeatedly. If ever there was a reason to kill oneself, becoming Hokage was surely it. Not that he'd actually volunteered for the job, god no.
Pein will pay…
That was his new mantra. If only he could find a weakness in the rain-nin's impenetrable armour. No luck in that area so far, so he'd had to take the post the Akatsuki leader, or rather the official leader, had given him. He knew there was someone in the shadows – someone important guiding Pein and his sidekick Konan, but even after a decade of subtle snooping he was no closer to their identity.
Oh, he had a list of suspects of course, but it was short and the notes on every one random and inconclusive as most of the organisation was paranoid and elusive, secretive to the ultimo. And until he'd figured out who'd caught him in this net of betrayal and illusions, he would have to wait and play his part, which unfortunately included the mind-numbing task of being Hokage…
He winced a little as the door gave way with a crash and the genin appointed as his assistant fled the scene with a girlish shriek.
Great, now he'd have to find another gofer… the fifth this month.
Stubbornly he trained his eyes on the paper before him – the one he was supposed to either sign or dismiss and that he'd read about three times now without actually taking in any of the words. Some supply form or other for the academy, probably for toilet paper – they did use a suspiciously high amount there; he'd have to check that over with their allotted budget. He made a mental note to do that later and again wished a slow and painful death to his so called leader.
Still it gave him a convenient excuse to ignore the Inuzuka heiress and what was no doubt going to be a very colourful rant. Also not a first in his three months of tenure…
The woman was a menace, always had been really, but she could be quite amusing when angered, if a little annoying. And she'd brought her damn pack of beasts with her – if they started chewing on his furniture again, he'd make her carve new ones with a spoon this time…
"This is it, Uchiha!"
Weren't the dog breeders supposed to have the sensitive hearing of their animals?
He was puzzled how she could stand her own screaming…
"I put up with your little friends taking over this place and with you being in charge and even with being cut of from missions for the time being…"
"Not quietly, as I recall." He injected calmly and still didn't look at her. He hadn't thrown her out the window yet, she should feel lucky for that alone.
"But," she carried on as if he hadn't spoken, "I absolutely refuse to cater to the whims of that perverted Smurf"
What has Kisame done now?
"Complaint duly noted. Goodbye." With an internal sigh he kept his head down and waved a hand to dismiss her.
"Oh no, you don't, Uchiha. You're not getting rid of me with that phlegmatic persona of yours." Her voice was quieter now, but he didn't take it as a good sign.
And did she just call him slimy?
"I'm not leaving until you've called him down from his ego trip."
"He's just bored. Leave him be and he won't kill anyone…"
"Bored?" Even one of her dogs gave a little yelp as she screeched (the other two were deaf, he decided then and there, they had to be…) and Itachi clenched his hands to keep from shielding his ears with them. "He's not bored, he's mental. Do you even know what he's doing or have you finally given in and taken those little Happy Pills your shrink recommended years ago?"
Alright, enough is enough.
Questioning his mental health had been her preferred insult for him since they'd met in the academy as children – and he supposed his personal history did give her enough ammunition for that one – but he had never let her get away with it and he wasn't about to start now.
"Mind who you're speaking to, Inuzuka." His voice was deadly quiet and he finally lifted his eyes towards her, Sharingan blazing. "I am your Hoka…"
…only to sputter to a stop as soon as his mind registered the woman in front of him. Hands on her hips, eyes narrowed dangerously and mouth pulled into a thin line, but all that wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Her clothes (at least he presumed they were meant to be clothes, what little there was of them…) however were.
"What the hell are you wearing?"
"Why, Hokage-sama? Do you not recognize the new uniform that you, in your infinite wisdom, picked for all us fragile and sexually repressed kunoichi to wear?"
"I'm gonna kill him…" The Uchiha mumbled as he pinched the bridge of his nose, hoping she'd read it as a sign of his exasperation with his partner's actions and not for what it truly was – a desperate try to rid himself of the image of her and her exposed… person.
"Please do." She told him sweetly and with no small amount of smugness in her voice.
Well, he couldn't let her think she'd won, could he? Of course he couldn't – where would be the fun in that?
Even if he did agree with her…
"He'll get over it in a while, just go along with it for now and don't rile him up." He'd found his inner calm again and his voice reflected it, as he looked back at the paper in his hands, clearly indicating the end of this conversation.
The form might have been designed to bore him to death, but anything was better than looking at her in that… that…
Words failed him – calling her outfit a dress was clearly an exaggeration and pronouncing it a washcloth (which really came a lot closer to the truth) induced a nervous twitch in the back of his neck that he'd rather not have to explain to her.
"Go along with it? He'll get over it?" She parroted, clearly dumbfounded and he basked in it for a moment. A small piece of him even revelled in the memories that fighting with this woman induced, even after all these years away. Whatever deity had thrown them together in the same genin team back then, It surely had a sense of sadism and twisted humour, as their teacher had nearly been driven insane by the time they'd finished their first mission.
"Look at me, dammit!" Again with the screaming. All gentle feelings of remembrance fled him and his hands clenched again. "I'm wearing a fucking skirt! I haven't worn a skirt since I was coherent enough to say 'Mama, I hate that ugly pink dress!' And this top leaves less to the imagination than a fig leaf! This… this outfit makes my garter belts look like nun's habits."
Garter belts, huh?
He wondered if she had a red one…
No, no, bad genius brain, bad. He did not come back to Konoha to daydream of old team mates – well, one of them anyway – the day he started imagining Kamizuki Izumo in lingerie, was the day he'd gladly feed himself to Tsunade's pet snail…
"I look like a freaking cheerleader on crack!"
What's a cheerleader?
It was probably better to keep that question to himself, lest she take it as an opening. He'd have to get her out of his office soon, or he'd never get done with this paperwork. He didn't fancy working overtime just because she couldn't take a hint.
Before he could dismiss her again however, she strode over to the window and leaned her hands on the window sill, ignoring whatever he had to say.
So much for being Hokage, respected and admired…
"You realize I'm not the only one who'll complain about this, right?" Her voice was calm now and he could sense the calculation in it. She was no doubt going to make her case clear and concise and wouldn't let him stop her. Maybe throwing her out the window wasn't such a bad idea after all…
He only gave her small sigh as an answer and she took it as a sign to continue.
"Right now he's giving out uniforms," she practically spat the word, breaking the quiet that had taken over the room as her anger returned, "to the eighteen to twenty year-olds, it's only a matter of time until one of them blows. It'll either be Tenten or Sakura, that's for sure, and then you're in for a world of hurt…"
"You got lucky so far – Shizune is too quiet spoken to take her complaints to you and Anko didn't say anything purely because she loves to shock the hell out of Kakashi, which will be like taking candy from a baby with… well, this. And Fish Face thankfully had enough brains to leave Kurenai alone, since she's already six months pregnant…"
Again, Itachi added in his mind. Asuma hadn't been on many missions since his near fatal run-in with Hidan a few years back – it was probably time to change that, if only to prevent an overpopulation of the Village.
"I'll deal with it." He spoke tersely and futilely hoped she would shut up already.
"Oh, I don't doubt that. You're not gonna have much of a choice in the matter. But it would be so much easier to call him back now and get it over with before this gets out of hand."
"I'm busy."
"Doing what exactly, oh Hokage-sama? Budgeting toilet paper and bedpans?"
Damn, she's good…
He vaguely remembered a funding request from the hospital buried in the pile next to his elbow, about more money for sanitary… things… whatever the fancy word for it was. So yeah, bedpans…
He chose not to respond to her remark and after a moment she turned back to the window, watching something down in the streets. He had the distinct feeling he was better of not knowing what exactly was holding her attention so raptly.
He glanced at her back and returned his eyes to the paper immediately, clearing his throat uncomfortably and eyebrow twitching. But as if on their own accord his eyes strayed to her a second time and stubbornly stayed there. It occurred to him that his job would be a damn sight better if she'd keep standing there, in that outfit, slightly wiggling her legs in boredom.
Of course, that would require for her to keep her mouth shut and he had no hopes such a miracle would happen any time soon…
Still, a small, lascivious grin stretched the corners of his lips…
"Aaaargh!"
…to be wiped away instantly as the angry scream tore through the quiet streets and reached his window.
"Well, there goes Tenten." She commented cheerfully. Inuzuka Hana's mood swings had always been a mystery to him. "You remember her, don't you?"
He didn't answer – of course he knew who the girl was. He'd taken his time to study the files of all the Nin under his command. Far more interesting than the old council records he was supposed to study ('…to better internalize the procedures and structure of command' my ass, they're just trying to get me to quit…) and a good way to catch up on whatever he had missed over the years. Some were surprising in their listed accomplishments, others just as he'd expected – it really came as no surprise to read that Tsunade had taken Kakashi into consideration as her successor…
If memory served correctly – and it usually did for him – Tenten was the surname-less weapon's mistress, Jounin and former student of Might Guy, abandoned as a baby on the steps of the hospital and later given into the custody of the blacksmith, her real parents were still unknown.
"She's the girlfriend of the Hyuga prodigy, by the way," Hana continued and he felt dread settle in his stomach. "So it's safe to say your partner will pretty soon go belly up…"
While he still contemplated whether to strangle his blue friend or to just throw in the towel now and make haste into exile (not such a bad idea really, a small island in the Caribbean sounded just about right at the moment…), another furious scream brought him out of his dreams of nubile, half-naked beauties serving his every whim.
This time it was accompanied by a resounding crash and he watched the dog breeder throw her hands into the air and jump a little in glee, which didn't help all that much to keep him out of LaLa-Land as her skirt (really, it was more of an expanded, fluttering belt…) was a little slower to fall back down than the rest of her.
"Thar she blows!!"
With a whoop the dark-haired woman turned to him and he averted his eyes quickly to the forgotten form still in his hands.
"And that was Haruno – student of your predecessor and the only person in known existence who can lift Gamabunta." Her smile was unholy, brimming with malicious joy.
Damn, this was getting complicated.
Kisame was a dead Sharkie, that was for sure. But first he'd kick his little brother and that dumb team mate of his. Hadn't he instructed the two to keep an eye on the swordsman? They were so going down…
"I know who she is."
"Good, then you probably also know that there's a big honking hole in the tailor's shop now, right? It does look vaguely human shaped from here, but the guy I saw flying by was white haired, so Shark Boy's still amongst the living." She clapped her hands and turned back to the window. "Let's see who he's going to sic on you next…"
The oldest Uchiha put his head in his hands, not too eager to find out.
"AYYEEE…" This time the scream was of a more shocked and horrified nature and cut of suddenly, filling the older Uchiha with despair.
"Well," the woman continued her running commentary, "and that was Hyuga Hinata, dying of embarrassment. Congratulations, Hokage-sama, you've just killed one of, if not the most important heiress of the shinobi world…"
He was at the door in less than a second, ripping the wood panel almost of its hinges, and grabbed the first unfortunate passer-by, walking unsuspecting past his door.
"Get me Kisame and whoever's with him. NOW!"
Everyone in the village knew not to mess with him (well, except for the woman currently disturbing his working hours apparently) and so the boy, no more than twelve years old Itachi guessed, scrambled off, after unfreezing his body by sheer survival instinct, all but peeing his pants in the process.
Slamming the door he took a deep breath and stared at the still cackling woman. Damn, working up enough anger to intimidate her was rather hard… uh, bad choice of words… was rather difficult, when she wore next to nothing and was lightly bouncing on the balls of her feet…
He hastily took off his cloak and threw it at her, doing his best to mask his embarrassment with snotty indifference.
"Put that on, Inuzuka. I can't have you standing around in my office, looking like a…"
"Oh Hokage-sama," she cut him off loudly, which was probably a good thing as he had no idea where that sentence had come from and he wasn't sure he wanted to finish it. "I have this problem; I do hope you can help me. How do you spell the word 'eunuch' again?"
Yeah, definitely a good thing she hadn't let him finish…
"Just put it on, will you…"
Thankfully she complied without further argument, only muttering to herself as she pulled the fabric around herself. "Definitely queer…"
Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean…
He had a feeling she had just made a small jab at his expense, but shook it off and went back to his desk, falling into the chair with a sigh. There was a headache forming in the base of his skull and his eyebrow still twitched occasionally. Back to those forms then, at least he could spend the waiting time productively now – there was no need for her to further needle him, she'd already gotten what she wanted.
Apparently that fact didn't sit as well with her as he'd expected, since she began to fidget now, obviously bored. He tried valiantly to ignore her but it only seemed to egg her on. Soon she was humming and tapping her foot to a rhythm he didn't recognize. Not that he had much knowledge of music anyway – it could be from an advertisement on TV for all he knew.
And then she actually started singing and he had to fight the urge to bang his head on his desk again. It really wouldn't do for the Hokage to put himself into a coma by smashing his own head in, would it?
"Can you hear the drums, Fernando?
I remember long ago another starry night like this…"
Maybe it wouldn't be all that much of a scandal if he could convince everyone he'd slipped and hit the table?
"In the firelight, Fernando
You were humming to yourself and softly strumming your guitar
I could hear the distant drums
And sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar…"
"Must you?" He forced out through his gritted teeth and only got a smile as answer that told him clearly that she knew exactly how much he hated music and that she had no intention of sparing him.
"I was so afraid, Fernando
We were young and full of life and none of us prepared to die
And I'm not ashamed to say
The roar of guns and cannons almost made me cry…"
The kunai sailed past her ear as she fainted to the right with ease and didn't even break her pace. On the contrary, it only served to make her sing louder.
"There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, Fernando
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, Fernando
Though we never thought that we could lose
There's no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, Fernando…"
He contemplated stopping her with the Sharingan, but restrained himself – he hadn't come back here to instate a reign of terror (much to Kisame's dismay) – he had other plans for the future of this village and he still needed the cooperation of the council. No, he didn't come here to further widen the chasm and losing his temper would get him nowhere with his subordinates.
"Now we're old and grey, Fernando
And since many years I haven't seen a rifle in your hand
Can you hear the drums, Fernando?
Do you still recall the fateful night we crossed the Rio Grande?"
There was a strange sadness underlying her words and he couldn't tell whether it was genuine or just a part of the song itself. It struck a chord inside him and unsettled his whole equilibrium. Somewhere in the dark corners of his mind old memories tried to unbury themselves and the sense of conflict made him uncomfortable.
"I can see it in your eyes
How proud you were to fight for freedom in this land…"
Unnerved by his own sentimentality, he shoved the door closed on those feelings and forcefully signed the damn form. Then the next and the next…
Thankfully this was the last of her little serenade, since another incensed shout, this time from right outside his door, echoed through the air and cut her off.
"Stop staring at my ass, pervert!"
The smack that followed could not be mistaken for anything other than almost decapitating and he recognized the voice as the Haruno girl. His partner had found his match in strength in a petite, pink-haired girl of eighteen years – the thought almost made him smile.
It was not Kisame however sporting a glowing red cheek as the three men followed the furious gaggle of kunoichi into the room. He raised an eyebrow at his brother's disgruntled frown and resisted the urge to laugh at Sasuke's expense. Looked like Kakashi was wrong – the boy had learned a lot more from his old sensei than the copy-nin realized…
…which obviously didn't sit too well with his brother's ex-team mate. Those piercing green eyes were still trained on the younger Uchiha, the air around her almost crackling with fury, and Itachi couldn't help but feel glad that he was not the only having to suffer for Kisame's escapades. Angry females were scary, that fact even he acknowledged.
Still his little brother didn't give any outward sign of fear or discomfort as he glared straight ahead, daring anyone to comment on the accusation.
One of the girls – the weapon's mistress – carried an unconscious Hyuga heiress over her shoulder and deposited her carefully on the couch by the book shelves, a holdover from his predecessor. She thankfully covered the pale girl with one of the blankets there – apparently the slug sannin had spent many a night in her office, a fact that didn't bode well for his future…
"Hana?" One of the girls (Yamanaka Ino, daughter of the flower shop owners and specialized in mind manipulation jutsu, his memory provided) spoke up, finally noticing their friend and sounding confused. "What's with the fugly cloak?"
Her voice was wary and her gaze shifted suspiciously from the Inuzuka to him and back. It took him a moment to figure out that she was afraid their colleague had defected and suddenly turned into a devoted Akatsuki groupie.
The image alone was absurd to Itachi and he almost snorted – Inuzuka Hana, heroine of wounded deer and baby bunnies everywhere, turning sides and pursuing world domination – that was even more unlikely than her falling madly in love with Kisame…
"Our fearless leader," the woman in question answered and he just knew she had every intention of embarrassing him with her next words, "got a little flustered with my boobies having so much moving space and took it upon himself to defend my virtue by bravely lending his cherished coat."
Great, he does one nice thing and she uses it against him immediately…
Ungrateful little b… Her gaze trained on him as if reading his thoughts and cut them off abruptly. Scary indeed.
He forced himself not to react outwardly and turned to the three men instead. Unsurprising, the two ex-mist-nin were still ogling the scantily clad women and his brother was still staring straight ahead. Itachi decided to deal with him first.
"Uchiha, Hozuki," he addressed the younger men, hoping to at least convey a small sense of professionalism here; through he'd rather just bash their heads together and order them to scrub bedpans for the foreseeable future. Hm, the latter wasn't all that unprofessional actually… "You were supposed to watch him. Why didn't you inform me of this?"
"Hn."
Itachi wondered where exactly his brother had learned these manners from – apparently not from the same parents he had. Restraining himself from commenting, Itachi translated his brother's limited vocabulary as an order for Suigetsu to explain and trained his eyes on the white-haired man.
"We thought you knew, he had an order scroll and everything."
Oh no, he didn't…
But he did. His partner pulled the scroll out of his pocket, looking quite pleased with himself.
"Kisame…" His lips barely moved, his teeth were clenched so tight it hurt and his Sharingan engaged on its own accord, but that threat had obviously lost all its intensity years ago. The blue giant was positively beaming with glee.
"What, Itachi, you don't remember signing it?"
Forget Orochimaru and his weird fetishes – a blue-skinned, demon-sword wielding and almost seven-foot-high human-shark, complete with gills and triangular teeth, trying to play the innocent guppy was definitely the most bizarre picture he had ever come across…
The Tenten girl snatched the scroll and unrolled it, probably making sure if her new Hokage was indeed a closeted pervert, and soon her narrowed eyes trained on him.
His so called friend had successfully turned the whole thing on him and thrown him to the vultures – Itachi had to admit, so much cunning and audacity deserved a certain respect, but his partner was wrong if he thought he would get away with it.
"Forget it, Tenten." The dog breeder spoke up and gave Itachi a small, albeit slightly mocking, smile. "The big Uchiha genius has less sex drive than a potted plant – if that really is his signature, he obviously had no idea what he was signing."
Itachi blinked at her, stunned and speechless. Was she… defending him?
Sure, she'd insulted him in the same breath, but it didn't negate the fact that she had indeed spoken up on his behalf and turned the blame back onto Kisame.
Huh… interesting.
"But," the Tenten girl was still sceptic, "he even got the agreement of the Elder Council for this. How would he get them to sign without the help of the Hokage?"
"I don't think they needed much persuasion, Tenten." The Haruno girl gave an inelegant snort. "Old lechers, the lot of them! I bet there were only two contra votes."
The weapon's mistress consulted the scroll again and gave her friend a nod of affirmation, coupled with a look of confusion that was echoed by the blonde and the dog breeder (the Hyuga was still unconscious on his couch).
"There're only two women in the council," the rosette headed girl answered them, "Koharu-san and Shishou."
"Hiashi would have never agreed to this," Tenten pointed out and Itachi let them wander of topic for a while, the better to have time to find a way to undo this without them turning his partner into shark-fin soup. "I mean, look at Hinata-chan – he'd never let his daughters leave the house like that."
"Hiashi is part of the Clan Council, not the Elder Council, Tenten." The Haruno knew surprisingly much about the politics of the village – probably through her mentor. Maybe he should get her to be his assistant. Really, this job would've been a lot easier if Shizune hadn't quit out of protest…
He cleared his throat to call them to attention and regretted it almost immediately as four very intense and very angry female stares were directed his way.
No sudden movements, he reminded himself.
"Kisame," he intoned slowly, making the older man shrink a little, "however you got me to sign that, I'm declaring it null and void as of now."
"Uhm, Sir?"
"What, Haruno?"
"Well, of course I would never presume to know this better than our great Hokage, but…"
Kami, that girl is a bad liar…
Did she honestly think he couldn't tell when he was being mocked? Even his little brother snorted at her fumbled statement and she turned to him with a glare.
"Haruno," Itachi called her attention back to the matter at hand – he still needed the boy and couldn't afford for Sasuke to get slaughtered before the big finale (afterwards however was an entirely different matter and he had no qualms to make the brat her lawful slave as soon as everything was said and done…). "Explain."
"Once the council passes a new law with a majority vote of at least two-thirds, then…" She trailed of with a wince.
"Yes?" He hoped his voice conveyed a little less desperation than he actually felt.
"Then the Hokage has no statutory accreditation to nullify that law."
Chaos erupted as she finished and the Inuzuka threw herself in Kisame's direction, claws extended and fangs bared; only held back by the three younger women.
"Let me go! He's a dead Smurf!"
A/N: So, uh… I have absolutely, definitely no idea where this actually came from and I'm not even sure where exactly it will go. There was just suddenly this scene in my head where Itachi is Hokage and Kisame is doing his very best to drive the prodigy crazy. And then Hana demanded a part of it and Sakura and Sasuke just popped up and inserted themselves and…
Yeah, and then I started writing and there it is.
As I said I'm not sure where this is going, but I've at least a vague outline as to how and why Itachi is Hokage (I don't want to brag, but I bet I'm the first to give him of all people the job) and what he's planning in that twisted brain of his. But mostly this story will be humorous and (hopefully) funny and not concentrate too much on the serious side of fighting and the war with Akatsuki.
This obviously takes place after the current manga chapters (Sakura and co are about eighteen) and will therefore build on them as far as possible without contradiction.
A few general facts:
I've kept Asuma alive, just because I can and I want to.
The reunion of the Uchiha brothers will be explained in later chapters
Inuzuka Hana is not an invented character but really the older sister of Kiba, she makes one short appearance in the manga and is about Itachi's age. And no, she's not crazy or completely fearless when she confronts The Uchiha Itachi like that, she's just angry beyond reason and a little irrational, besides, as Itachi mentions, they were on the same genin team (in this story) and she knows him maybe a little better than the average Konoha citizen and also knows what she can get away with and where to draw the line. Who reads my other story will probably know her already.
Italics are mostly Itachi's thoughts, except for the big part of Hana's song, which is of course the unforgettable Fernando by ABBA – this isn't gonna be a song fic, I promise, she just does it to annoy the hell out of Itachi and she's probably gonna do it again as the story proceeds, because she knows how much he hates it. (And maybe she's being a little metaphorical with it…) I haven't yet decided whether she can actually sing or sounds like a songbird slowly drowning in tar…
The… ahem, uniform will be described next chapter
Pein and Konan are the not too long ago still nameless Akatsuki members that Kishi finally decided to introduce and explore on a deeper level. Technically, Pein (I think there's a debate going on somewhere on how exactly his name is written) is Itachi's boss as he's the official Akatsuki leader, but as I mentioned in the story, there's someone pulling the strings in the background.
Hozuki is Suigetsu's last name, at least right now I'm assuming it is, since he is part of the 'Hozuki Brothers', according to Kisame. Of course we don't know how accurate this is coming from Kisame, but I'm going with it here…
Well, I hope this doesn't appear quite as loony to you as it does to me, and if it does, I hope you still find it at least funny…
To everyone reading Uchiha's Bane : I have not abandoned the story, I promise. The next chapter is sitting on my hard drive still unfinished and I'm drawing a total blank every time I look at it. I'm trying to force myself to at least write a sentence or two everyday, but I'm not having much luck so far…
I have an outline of this and the next chapter and everything I want to include is planned and ready, I just can't write it and I have no idea why it is so hard. I'm deeply sorry for the delay and hope to finish the twelfth chapter before the end of the month. Who knows, maybe writing this story gives me the kick I need to carry on with UB.
And if any of my faithful readers would like to look at what I've written so far and tell me whether it's utter crap or if it is at least worth carrying on in that vein, I would be more than grateful. Anyone interested please, please (I really am not ashamed to beg anymore at this point...) contact me via e-mail at c.giesecke (at) gmx (dot) com.
Thank you all for reading and please review