Disclaimer: If I owned Buffy: the Vampire Slayer, it would be Buffy/Angel forever and Seasons 4, 5 and 6 would never have happened. As there are at least 50 episodes from the aforementioned Seasons, I obviously don't own it.
Summary: Inspired by Delta Goodrem's 'Born to Try'. The thoughts of a newly Chosen Slayer. This was written with Buffy in mind, but I suppose it could really be any New Slayer.
Born To Die
It seems like I've just lost everything that I once believed in.
A complete stranger approached me a few days ago, and introduced themselves as my new Watcher.
I was seconds away from calling the police and reporting them as a stalker, but then they started going on and talking about vampires and demons and the Forces of Darkness and how one girl was Chosen to stand against them.
Of course, this only made me change my impending phone call to the Loony Bin instead of the Police Station, but then they started talking about things that no one else knew, strange things that had happened to me but I had never spoken of. Then they asked me to meet them at the park at sundown, and for some reason I agreed.
What happened that night changed my view of the world forever.
All my life I've gone by the rules that I've been taught. Rules that, for the most part, have just jumped out of the window and vanished forever.
That night in the park, I met my first vampire, and performed my first Slaying. I had no idea what I was doing, and reacted on instinct.
You would think that being almost killed would be the worst part of the fight, but seeing that twisted, monstrous face, revert to a human one, twisted in pain, was the most terrifying thing I have ever seen.
Somehow, no matter what may happen in the future, I know that I will never forget how the vampire looked at me. I saw pain, and anger that I had denied them a meal, but also relief and thanks, that I had saved them from damnation.
I ran from where I had been standing in shock, and threw up in the nearest bush.
I have a better understanding of what's around me, now, and I wish to everything that I didn't.
All the unexplained happenings, the things that I see but dismiss as my imagination, or a trick of the light, all make more sense now than I ever wanted them to.
My new Watcher insists that I learn about what I am fighting if I wish to live, and believe me when I say that my thought process now consists of demons, vampires and the desperate wish that this is all just a bad dream.
Unfortunately, I know that it is not just a bad dream. I understand that everything, including the things that apparently do go 'bump' (or 'bite', as the case may be) in the night, are all to real.
This totally sucks.
Since I was a girl, I was protected by the walls of love. My parent's love and their desire to shield me from all the evils of the world.
The love of a normal life, which stopped me from questioning the more bizarre things that sometimes happened to me.
The love of my new boyfriend, and a young girl's dream of True Love and Happily Ever After, which apparently doesn't even get into the painters peripheral vision, let alone enter the picture, as far as the Slayer is concerned.
It seems that a Slayer's life is to be focused on the Mission, and nothing else. No friends, no family, definitely no social- or love-life. Only fighting.
The walls of love that protected me from the harsh world have all been irrevocably shattered, and despite my 'Slayer Powers', I have never felt more helpless or vulnerable.
My Watcher says that there is no point in talking about what should or might have been. No point in mooning over lost chances or possibilities.
It makes me want to hit something. Especially my Watcher.
My dreams for the future, my entire life, just went bye-bye, and I am supposed to stay calm and just accept it?
My Watcher needs a very loud wake-up call. Preferably a double. A large dose of empathy for my situation would also be very much appreciated.
I mean, seriously. If I understand correctly, I am now at the beck and call of some 'Watcher's Council'. I will be risking my life every night for people I will probably never even meet, except for when some nasty big-bad with Aspirations of Grandeur shows up with some sinister plan to drastically shake things up. Usually by killing people.
Then I risk my life and the lives of multiple others if I happen to fail and die.
There are times when I want to tell my Watcher to go jump into an active volcano.
In between the nightly fighting and daily training and studying, I have occasional moments to myself. These moments are usually spent regretting the things that went on before I was Called.
All the things that I missed, or ignored as childish or stupid. All the things that I never appreciated and all the things that I will never be able to do again.
I will never take anything for granted ever again.
I always laughed when people said that 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life."
The day I was Called was the first day of my new life, where I don't know if I will live to see the next 'first day of the rest of my life'.
A lot of the time, I feel like I am living on borrowed days, and that it is only a matter of time.
I mentioned this feeling once, and my Watcher shifted on the spot and refused to meet my eyes. I never did get an answer, and the subject is always avoided when I try to bring it up.
It seems that Life's full of Mistakes, Destinies and Fate.
I have lost count of how many times I have wished that my Calling was a Mistake, a Wrong Number, if you will. I was Chosen by Destiny, and my Fate is to save a world that will never know it.
I always feel like I have the weight of the universe on my shoulders, that it is all slowly becoming too much. It makes me want to scream and cry, to rail at the world that they have no right to ask this of me! I am a girl! A young woman who had her whole life ahead of her! Who were they to demand that I do this for them?
I shouted this at my Watcher, only a short time after my calling. My Watcher had just shown me a prophecy, and I collapsed into hysterics at the implications, insisting that it wasn't true.
Of course, the Prophecy came true, proving my Watcher's point, that this was my Destiny.
At least he was nice enough not to gloat about it.
It seems like the world constantly surrounds itself with a cloud of self-delusion. I often wish that they would remove the clouds and look at the bigger picture. The bigger picture and 'Greater Good' that I am forced to deal with on a regular basis.
Then I tell myself to stop being like that. There may be some who would be able to deal with everything that I go through because of my duty, but they are a minority.
Some of them would try, but would crumble under the weight of such a burden, if they even believed it in the first place. Others would even drive themselves insane, and still more would seek their own death before they took on such a great responsibility.
People say that Fate is fickle, whatever that means, but at least she tends to pick her Potentials from those with a will strong enough to bear the burden.
I still think that Fate is the mother of all Bitches, though.
I used to read about heroes like Superman, who lived a mysterious double-life, while pretending to be an ordinary person by day. Now I get to be the one who is pretending to be normal while saving the world on weekends.
Before I was the Slayer, I cherished the fact that those I cared about could take me at face value. All that they saw was pure Me.
I am slowly coming to accept my life, my Calling, and I am starting to believe that I can save people, when they need saving.
Some parts are harder though.
I believe that I can do this, but I also know that it will end in my death. I was born to be the Slayer, and born to give my life for the faceless other people.
I have learned to cherish what I have, even learned to love, be it my friends or a romantic interest, even though part of me knows that we may never get a Happy Ending.
I even love my Watcher, in a certain way. I finally understand that he is bound by Duty just as much as I am, after a fashion. I will eventually lose my life, but my Watcher will be left behind, perhaps to return to the Council, perhaps placed elsewhere, on a new assignment.
Maybe that is a worse fate to suffer: living on, knowing that they were the one who sent me to my last battle. Knowing that no matter how much they did to prepare and protect me, there will come a time that they cannot, and they will be forced to live with that failure.
Life is precious, and I have learned to cherish it. I believe in life, that it is worth fighting for, worth protecting if at all possible. Everyone deserves to live, and every vampire, every demon that I slay, is one less out to rob another of their live.
That is the choice I make.
I could choose to say to Hell with everything, walk away from my Duty. Or I could choose to stay strong, to fight the Good Fight, no matter how difficult.
Every choice I make as the Slayer is one that I wish I didn't have to. If I am right, we usually end up winning, but if I am wrong, people usually end up dying.
The Way of the Slayer is one of hardship. It is hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It requires so much sacrifice, and not just the ritualistic kind, either.
I had to sacrifice so many of my hopes and dreams, even the one about growing old and living in a big house with lots of cats.
In the end, I will have to make the greatest sacrifice of all.
I am the Slayer. I was born to save the world, and I will eventually fall in its defense.
I was Born to Die.
Doing everything that I believe in
Going by the rules that I've been taught
More understanding of what's around me
And protected from the walls of love
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe
That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try
No point in talking what you should have been
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds and look at the bigger picture
And all that you see is me
And all I truly believe
That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try
All that you see is me
All I truly believe
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe
That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try
Btvs
Btvs
Btvs
A/N: Inspired by one of my maudlin moods over my twin's death. I can't listen to the song without thinking of following the casket out of the Church, and it got me thinking on how a Slayer must feel after learning that the rest of her typically short future would be just one long battle until her death and replacement.