Whoa. It's been like 525, 600 years since I updated this. And I missed it! It's sort of a collab with my brother, so we have to set aside time to write it, you know?

I'm busy, and I'm sorry. Not only is it SENIOR YEAR, but I've been involved in the spring musical (BYE BYE BIRDIE), and that equals less free time. Closing night is tonight, woooooooooo!

ENJOY!!

A silence hung in the air around the Bohos as they sat in the totaled RV, their belongings strewn everywhere and broken into pieces. They stared at each other, wondering what to do. The cricket broke the quiet. Collins started to stand up, shaking his fist in anger and opening his mouth, about to say something, but he gave up and sat back down, wrapping an arm lazily around Angel. "What's the use?" He asked no one in a hopeless voice.

"Anyone have any idea how we can get out of this?" Roger asked the other Bohemians, his voice soft and pathetic.

"We should call someone!" Mark suggested, thinking he was a genius.

"I tried already," Joanne spoke up, "No reception at the bottom of a cliff." "DAMN." Collins breathed, disappointed.

(CAP'N CRUNCH WHIS-IS-TLE)

"Cap'n Crunch?" Mark asked, hearing the strange sound. The Bohos looked around, confused. There was a loud whirring sound. They all stumbled out of the messed up RV and looked up to see a helicopter with the Cap'n Crunch logo on the side.

"OH FUCK!" Maureen screamed, "We don't have to be CRUNCHITIZED, do we?"

"I think that'd be pretty fucking awesome..." Roger muttered distantly. "Roger, baby, did you hit your head?" Mimi questioned.

"Mebbe." Roger said quickly, with shifty eyes.

"HOW DID THEY FIND US?" Angel asked, thinking it was a miracle.

Collins, eyes raging, yelled furiously, "OH MY GOD THAT CRICKET WAS AN INSIDE MAN! FUCKING SPYING ON US AND REPORTING OUR ACTIONS TO THE CAP'N HIMSELF! THAT LITTLE FUCKER, DAMN YOU! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE AND I'VE SEEN WHERE YOUR CRICKET ASS SLEEPS! I SWEAR TO STOLI THAT YOUR FAT BITCH CRICKET MAMA WILL CRY WHEN SHE SEES WHAT I'VE DONE TO YOU!"

Angel soothed him, rubbing his shoulder. "Collins... breathe..."

"Guys???" Benny spoke up, scared. "That's no helicopter!! THAT'S A UFO! Let's try and establish communication... uh.... AYE YIE YAY AYE YA!" He screamed, remembering it from some movie he saw once.

Joanne squinted as the craft landed and a man popped out to greet them. "No, it's alright guys, I think they are here to help!"

"WE COME IN PEACE!!!!" Benny shrieked, falling to his knees.

The man smirked. "Need some help folks?"

"Yeah! Thanks!" Mimi told him and he motioned for them to get on the helicopter.

"OH WOW!" Mark screeched excitedly. "Is Cap'n Crunch piloting?"

"Sure, little guy..." The man assured Mark. "You people are a little more worse for wear than we expected, but that's okay. Everyone climb in!"

The Bohos all took seats. Collins stepped in, dubious. "Where do I sit?"

"In the back!" The man shouted over the din.

"It's 'cause I'm black, ain't it?" Collins screamed tearfully. No one heard him. He slumped into the seat, staring woefully up at the other Bohos, all crowded together and smiling. "I'm alone!" He wailed, then a cricket chirped. He heard it because it was on his shoulder. Angrily, he slapped at it. It jumped away. "JIMINY IS A FUCKING STALKER, GODDAMN!"

Benny was still freaking out, frightened tears streaming down his face. "FUCKING HELL!" He yelled. "WE SURRENDERED OVERSELVES TO THE ALIENS? WHY? OH MY GOD THEY ARE GOING TO PERFORM FREAKO SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS ON US AND TAKE US TO THEIR HOME PLANET AND PUT US IN CAGES AND THE OTHER ALIENS WILL POKE US WITH STICKS AND THEN THEY'LL EAT US AND AAAAAAH I'M SO SCARED, WE'RE GOING TO DIE!! WE'RE GOING TO CRASH BECAUSE THE ALIENS DON'T KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE OUR ATMOSPHERE! WE'RE GOING TO BLOW UP! I THINK I'M GOING TO PUKE!" Benny sobbed.

"Now you listen here!" Roger grabbed Benny by the collar. Benny whimpered, gulping. "Even if we're... horribly MANGLED... there will be no sad faces on Christmas."

"So..." Angel spoke up to change the subject. "How did you find us, anyway?" The man smiled. "We put tracking devices in the winnings bits of cereal. You ate it for breakfast this morning, right? We tracked you through the chips in your digestive systems. All of you had them... except one. Benjamin Coffin?"

"The third." Benny said through tears. "And um... I'm sorry. Don't eat me; alien.... please... my tracking chip... uh... I left it in our cooler... it got ruined in the wreckage!"

"Fair enough." The man said. "We still found you didn't we? That's all that matters."

"Yeah... that's not creepy at all." Roger's sarcasm said.

"Here's what we're going to do." The guy told them. "You guys need some new stuff for the vacay, so we're going to drop you off at a convenience store. We'll pick you up in an hour and then take you to the resort by helicopter. There, you'll receive a rental car instead of the RV and your rooms in the hotel."

"Sounds great..." Mimi said, feeling the stress melt away.

"NO! DON'T FALL FOR IT, EVERYONE! DON'T FUCKING TRUST THEM! THEY REALLY ARE ALIENS!! IT'LL BE LIKE ONE OF THOSE PEPSI COMMERICIALS WHERE THE DUDE REACHES UP AND THERE'S A ZIPPER ON HIS FOREHEAD AND HE PULLS IT DOWN AND HE'S NOT REALLY HUMAN UNDERNEATH!"

"Was that Pepsi?" The man asked.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, ALIEN! HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT PEPSI EVEN IS? DO THEY HAVE THAT ON YOUR PLANET??!!"

"No..." The dude laughed. "But we have Sprite!"

"HOLY SHIT HE JUST ADMITTED IT!" Benny squealed. The man motioned to another guy up front.

"Hey, Gregg! Can you throw Independence Day Boy here in the back with that wackjob who screams at imaginary insects?"

"DAMN, YOU REALLY ARE RACIST!" Roger remarked.

"Um... I'm still here?" Joanne waved her arms around.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about you."

"Don't worry, that happens all the time." Joanne said sadly.

"NOOOO!" Benny screamed, as Gregg grabbed him and led him toward where Collins was. "NO PLEASE! NOT THE EXPERIMENT ROOM! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I'M TOO YOUNG! I STILL HAVE TO MAKE A CYBER STUDIO! AND MEET THE TELETUBBIES IN PERSON! AND GET MIMI TO LOVE ME! AND... AND.... AHHHHH!" "Great..." Collins moaned. "SEGREGATION IS ILLEGAL, YOU PUNKS! YOU CAN'T JUST THROW ALL THE BLACKS IN THE BACK!"

"BACK IN BLAAACCCK!" Roger metal-screamed, air guitaring dramatically. "Excuse me, sir. You are in direct violation of Rule Number One on this aircraft." The man slapped a poster on the wall and read, "No singing AC/DC. I might have to throw you in the back too."

"I'm not black." Roger said blankly. "And I'll like to see you try to throw me in the back."

"OH!" The man exclaimed. "Tooo baaaad. Rule Number Two is No Threatening the Random Racist Man on the Helicopter. So sorry." And he forcefully snatched Roger up from his seat and yanked him to the back, flinging him in with Collins and Benny.

"Aw fucking hell!" Collins screamed. "Now you hate white boys, too? That's just wrong... Benny you may be right... he must be an alien... there's no other explanation."

"I'm scared!" Mark whined, scooting closer to Mimi and whimpering.

"Don't worry, Marky... he hasn't said anything about hating albinos." "ALBINOS???!!!!!!!!!" The man screamed. "I WATCHED, WIDE-EYED AT THE TENDER AGE OF SEVEN AS AN ALBINO STEPPED ON MY PET ANT AND SQUISHED IT UNDER HIS BIG ASS FOOT! HIS NAME WAS ALVIN AND HE WAS MY LIFE!"

"Wow... no wonder he hates guys who scream at bugs..." Collins whispered to Roger.

"YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T KICK YOUR PALE ASS OFF THIS CRAFT RIGHT NOW! BECAUSE WHEN I WAS TEN, A GANG OF ALBINOS KNOWN SIMPLY AS THE CAULIFLOWER BOYS BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE WITH HIDDEN VALLEY RANCH DRESSING AS THE FUEL FOR THE FLAMES! TO THIS DAY I CAN'T EAT RANCH DRESSING!"

"I'm sorry..." Mark started to say.

"I won't hurt you." The man calmed down suddenly. "You're lucky I don't discriminate based on skin color."

"DUDE YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE RACIST!" Roger yelled pointedly.

"SHUT UP!" He screamed back.

In the end, all the Bohos ended up in the back cargo hold of the copter, because as it turns out, the co-captain hated AC/DC, blacks, Mexicans, drama queens, and albinos. He and the cricket remained in seats. He sat for awhile, welcoming the absence of the annoying passengers.

Then an infamous smell wafted to his nostrils. He stood up, instantly suspicious of the cargo hold. He moved toward the door he'd slammed shut, wrenching it open.

He stepped in, gasping.

Collins had his fly unzipped and he was urinating proudly against the wall of the copter, while loading his MP40 gun carefully.

Angel was in the corner playing Connect 4 with herself.

Benny was crying into a cell phone, "NO! YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME! 911, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! WE'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS AND WE'RE ON A UFO RIGHT NOW!"

Roger and Mimi were half naked on top of one another and Maureen and Joanne were grabbing each other in... certain places.

The co-captain's eyes darted from one scene to the next, finally resting upon Mark, who was hunched over a Tupperware container of lettuce and vegetables... chomping on salad with HIDDEN VALLEY RANCH DRESSING.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He screamed, lunging toward him.

"GOOD NEWS! WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO LAND AT THE CONVENIENCE STORE! THANKS FOR FLYING WITH US!" The pilot's voice came over the PA.

The Bohos grabbed parachutes and jumped off before any bodily harm could come to them.

How fun was that? Don't worry, the next chapter is where it really gets good…

Reviews motivate a quicker update, btw. :D