Blue Box Blues

"Curse that He-Man!" Skeletor raged as he stomped through the dungeons of Snake Mountain. "Again and again I have him and his Masters of the Universe in my grasp... and again and again he manages to slip right through my fingers!"

The skull-faced sorcerer turned an empty-socketed glare at his henchmen. "And it's all your fault! You, Beast Man, are the most incompetent fool I've ever met! Triclops! For a man with three eyes you are utterly blind! Evil-Lyn!" He roared, bringing himself lagrimal bone to eye with his second in command. "You!"

"My apologies, Lord Skeletor," the dark witch capitulated as she bowed low. "It will never happen again."

The skeletal wizard looked about at his Evil Warriors, his body rigid with rage at his latest defeat. "Leave! All of you!" he growled. As they slunk into the darkness, Skeletor settled into an old chair, set his elbow upon the bed of his rack and placed his skull in his hand. He inhaled and let out a deep sigh.

"Those fools," he muttered. "They'll never understand me." He lifted his staff and an image of a man of Herculean proportions with flowing brown hair and a gold crown upon his head appeared. "Just as you could never understand me, Randor." He slammed his fist on the rack and growled. "If only you had joined me, we could even now be ruling the entire world together!"

"But that will never happen, Skeletor, and you know it," came a voice from the shadows.

The skull faced warlord leaped from his seat and whirled around. He could see a figure in the shadows: a powerful, familiar frame and bulging muscles and waving locks of hair. "R-Randor?!"

The figure stepped out of the darkness, revealing his distinct jawline and his golden hair. The Sword of Power hung at his waist, but Skeletor knew from experience how swiftly He-Man could turn the tables. "He-Man!" he growled, summoning archaic magic from his staff's tip. "How brave of you to attempt to confront me in my own lair!"

"I've decided," the barbarian warrior said steadily. "That it's time to end this. For good."

Skeletor went cold. Colder than usual, in any case. "M-my Warriors of Evil will destroy you! Evil-Lyn! Trap Jaw! Bea—"

"You sent them away, remember?" He-Man intoned with a smirk. "Besides, Man-At-Arms and the other Masters of the Universe should be keeping them busy, right now."

"Wh-wha..." the sorcerer gasped. This was... an assassination? "That old dog, Randor... I never would have guessed he could do something like this. It would make me smile if I still had lips."

He-Man scowled. "No, this wasn't the king's idea. In fact, he doesn't even know. The fact is..." He reached into a pouch and pulled out a fairly small, blue box. He then slammed it on the rack and glared menacingly into the grim lord's sockets. "This is all me!"

"A bomb!" Skeletor cried. "You fool! You'll kill us both!"

"This is no bomb," He-Man laughed. "This will be far more effective than any explosive." He ripped off the top of the box and Skeletor, in a rare moment of abject horror, screamed.

- - -

A teary zygomatic boned Skeletor sobbed as he shoved another spoon full of the gooey orange concoction in front of him into his mouth. "And that damned Randor... he never even called! Then he hooked up with that hussy, Marlena... and... and... what? I don't even get a 'Dear John' letter?"

"There, there, Skeletor," He-Man cooed as he patted the cheese-maxillaed warlord on the back.

"Could... could you call me... Kelly?" Skeletor asked in a strained voice. "It's what Randy always used to call me."

"Uhh... okay... 'Kelly,'" He-Man acquiesced. "Listen, there are plenty of guys out there who would love to be your... uh... friend. I mean, hey, I think you're a great fella. You just need to stop with all the conquering and devastation."

"Yes," the skull-faced magician agreed. "I guess this whole evil warlord thing stems from my basic relationship insecurities which are rooted in the fact that I had an absent mother and distant father. Perhaps... perhaps I should just try to settle down and make a difference where it counts: at home."

"That's the spirit, Skeletor," He-Man said. His heart warmed to see this once cold, heartless individual open up and pour out his deeply repressed feelings of rejection. "This is the first step toward redemption, both for yourself and in the eyes of the people."

"He-Man I..." Skeletor choked as he gazed up into the other man's strong, commanding eyes. "I don't know how to thank you."

"Just seeing you like this is thanks enough, Ske... er... Kelly," He-Man responded softly, leaning congenially toward the villain.

"He-Man..." Skeletor breathed, also leaning in close. His warm breath sighed through his smooth incisors and wafted across He-Man's soft, sultry lips.

"Kelly..."

"He-Man... I..." the blond barbarian's finger pressed upon the sorcerer's mandibular central incisor.

"Shhh," He-Man whispered. "Don't say a word." He looked to his left as he heard the sound of footsteps approaching. "Your men are approaching. It would probably be best that they didn't know I was here. However, I hope you can convince them to join you in your newfound way of life."

"Yes, He-Man," Skeletor affirmed with a giddy quaver in his voice. "You can count on that."

"Good," the burly warrior said as he sank back into the shadows. "Hopefully we'll see each other again, someday, and not as enemies."

Moments later, the Warriors of Evil assembled in the dungeon. "Master!" Evil-Lyn gasped. "The Masters of the Universe attacked once again. When you did not join us, we feared that they had..."

"No, Evil-Lyn," Skeletor cut her off. "He-Man was here... but he did not hurt me."

"My lord?" the witch asked, confused.

- - -

"So, was Operation: Blue Box Blues a success?" Man-At-Arms asked his young compatriot.

He-Man looked back at the fortress that was Snake Mountain wistfully. "I think so, Man-At-Arms... I think so..."

"Thank Grayskull," the weapons expert swore. "It's amazing that our alchemists were able to discover that a simple mixture of noodles, cheese, and benzodiazepines would create such a powerful effect as to turn the hearts of men."

He-Man cleared his throat. "Ahh... yeah... that's one way to put it..."

- - -

"Lord Skeletor!" Evil-Lyn said with an amazed tone in her voice as she stood at her master's side. "I've not seen you like this in a long time."

Skeletor laughed as he orchestrated his minions in constructing a gigantic vehicle, brimming with weaponry. "No, Evil-Lyn, you haven't. For it has been a long time since I've truly had something to care about... to strive for." He chuckled. "But now, Evil-Lyn, this I swear..."

The skull faced master of evil clenched his fist and raised it to the heavens. "He-Man's ass shall belong to Kelly!!"

"..."

"Kelly?"