A/N: Written for the NFA Road Rage Challenge. The story was supposed to be dialogue-only, but I wrote this before I realised. So this is the original version :) Feedback appreciated.
Disclaimer: NCIS rightfully remains the property of DPB and co. All hail.
Thanks to Abbyforever for the beta
"You still with me?" Tony shook Abby to make sure she was still alive.
"…..mmm." She sat up with a groan.
"Abs, how much did you have to drink at the party?"
"Just a little. The drinks at these NCIS Christmas parties are so…BORING!"
"What, no Tropical Twisted Spider Surprises?"
"Not only that, the creepy bartender was giving me funny looks when I just asked for a Red Bull!"
"Okay, that is a little strange," Tony had to agree. "So what did you drink?"
"Hmmm… everything I guess. I don't really remember."
"Damn it!" Tony slammed the steering wheel suddenly. Abby jumped a little in her seat, tugging at a pigtail. "I hate traffic. Why is there traffic anyway, it's the middle of the night!"
Abby giggled. "Lots of people coming home from Christmas parties?"
"Some idiot side-swiped a station-wagon at the intersection," Tony said, straining his head out the window. "We're going to be here for a while."
"So, what did you drink Tony?" Abby said, fiddling with the knobs on the stereo. Tony gently pushed her hand back before she broke something.
"Sarsaparilla."
"Sarsaparilla? You're getting old, Tony-boy."
"Someone had to drive you home," Tony pointed out, prodding her with a finger. "Besides, there's something a little strange about getting smashed with people you work with."
"Doesn't bother me. Besides, we do it all the time," Abby said. She reached down and began pulling at the buckles on a boot. Tony shook his head a little incredulously, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.
"Yeah, but that's different Abs. This is just –"
"Hinky?" Abby offered.
"Hinky, yeah. I mean, did you see Palmer? He was trying to cartwheel down the stairs to MTAC."
"Ha ha. I love Jimmy." Abby slumped a little in her seat.
Tony pushed her head up. "Guess we're lucky Ducky didn't have too much to drink before that happened so he could patch the Autopsy Gremlin up. But I think even Ducky was getting a little tipsy toward the end."
"He has a nice voice." Abby said absently.
"Not when he's singing 'Scotland the Brave' at the top of his lungs for the fourth time in a row." Tony said, grimacing a little at the memory. "Especially when there's mistletoe nearby. I think he kissed Cynthia three times, poor girl couldn't escape."
"I like Ducky."
"I know you do."
"I'm thirsty," Abby said seriously, her forehead creased with concentration as she tackled the buckles on her other boot.
"Here." Tony reached an arm back and groped around in the backseat, producing a half-empty bottle of water.
Abby shook her head. "I need the mystical powers of taurine, glucuronolactone, caffeine, niacin, pantothenic acid, vitamin B12, sucrose, and glucose."
Tony just stared at her.
"Red bull!" She shouted. "I saw a Seven Eleven a few miles back. We could just… pick some up on the way?"
"Sorry Abs, we're not going anywhere." He pointed through the windscreen. "Fire and Rescue's just arrived, they're completely blocking the road. We can't move. And besides, I think you're wired enough for the moment, last thing you need is more caffeine."
"Gibbs would bring me a Caf-Pow if he was here," Abby pouted.
"Well he's not. Now that you mention it, Gibbs was only drinking coffee but he was acting a little funny too."
Abby laughed mischievously. "Funny, eh?"
"What did you do?" Tony quirked an eyebrow. Abby kept laughing, the giggle morphing into a cackle until she was howling with laughter, thumping the dashboard of the car and gasping for breath.
"Abs, breathe okay?" Tony said, holding her shaking form steady and not seeing what was so funny. "What'd you do?"
"…I…put…vodka…in….Gibbs'…coffee…" Abby said finally, almost sobbing with laughter.
"Vodka? How could he not taste that?" Tony frowned. "Although considering the strength of the sludge he calls coffee, I wouldn't be surprised if it completely drowned out the taste. How much coffee did Gibbs drink?"
Abby had just about managed to regain composure, but collapsed into peals of laughter again at the question. "…FIVE cups!..."
Tony smirked. "That explains why he was passed out in the elevator when we left. I thought he was just tired."
"Oh, he was tired. But also completely wasted." Abby snorted, finally succeeding in pulling off her boots. She swung her bare feet up so one was resting on the dashboard and the other on the gearstick.
Tony glanced down for a second, quickly looking back up. "Uh, Abby, not that I mind, but you're wearing a very short skirt."
She lolled her head back, smiling at him. "I love you Tony. You're so much more fun than Timmy."
Tony grinned back at her. "Probie was lots of fun tonight, you know. I plied him with alcohol."
"Oh, maybe that explains why he was dancing with Ziva in the middle of the bullpen. I mean, how do you dirty-dance to Santa Claus is Coming to Town?" She frowned. "Can't believe he cheated on me. With Ziva of all people. Just because she's a super ninja assassin. I have talents too, you know."
"Believe me, I know," Tony said with a wink. "But technically, McGee didn't cheat on you. They were only dancing. And I mean, you dated for like a week and that was years ago. You've had plenty of boyfriends since him."
"It's not the same Tony. She's Ziva!"
Tony thought it prudent not to tell her about the little scene he'd walked into behind the staircase. McGee and Ziva, hot and heavy and not a single sprig of mistletoe to be found. "Ziva was off her face, Abs. She won't remember anything in the morning."
"I will," Abby growled, digging her fingernails into his forearm. Tony doubted it, judging by the way she was slurring her words.
"So anyway," Tony said, keen to change the subject before Abby could claw him anymore. "Director Shepard's a fun drunk."
"Yeah, she had a great time sliding down the banister. I've gotta try that sometime. You know, I don't think I saw the little legal pixie there."
"Legal pixie? You mean Agent Lee? Oh she was there. With Kurt the mail-boy in the head."
Abby gasped. "Palmer's going to be devastated!"
"Lee and Palmer? Well I guess that explains a few things." Tony rubbed at a spot on the windscreen. "Looks like they're finally towing the wrecks away. We might actually get home before daybreak."
"Yay!" Abby cheered as they started to move.
They drove for several minutes in silence, until Abby shifted closer to Tony, slinging a spike-clad arm around his shoulders.
"Uh, driving here Abs," Tony said, leaning forward as the spikes dug into his shoulder blades.
She ignored him, fiddling with the knobs on the radio again. Static filled the car, then classical opera and then country music as she jabbed at the buttons. Tony switched it off with a finger.
Abby pouted momentarily but was distracted as they passed another Seven Eleven. "Red Bull?" She said hopefully, sitting up straight.
"Sorry Abby." Tony shook his head. Abby stared out the window again, disappointed.
"Hey… This isn't the way to my house."
"Just figured that out, Abs? We're kinda driving in the opposite direction; I thought you would've noticed by now."
"Where are we going?"
"Where do you think?"
There was a long pause as Abby attempted to get her bearings driving through the dark night. Not an easy feat in her heavily inebriated state. "Gibbs' house?"
Tony laughed. "Nope. Far as I know, Gibbs is still out to this world on the floor of the elevator. He's gonna be so confused when he wakes up with a hangover, you know. We're going to my place."
"Why?"
He glanced at her. "Because I know how much Red Bull, not to mention other intoxicating drinks, you keep in your fridge and I'm scared you'll overdose on caffeine."
"Don't be stupid. I can look after myself. Why are we going to your house?"
"Because you're drunk and I want to take advantage of you?"
Abby snorted, tightening her grip around him. "I like you. You're silly. But you know you don't need to take me home to take advantage of me."
"…"
She cackled again. "I had a good time. Did you have a good time Tony?"
"Sure. At least I didn't give Ziva any ammunition to use against me this time," Tony said, remembering the infamous whipped cream incident from last year's party.
"I've never looked at Agent Baker the same way since," Abby remembered with a sleepy smile. "I'm glad I didn't do anything to embarrass myself either."
Tony looked at her. "Um Abs, just how much did you have to drink?"
She murmured something, nuzzling into the space between his arm and the car seat.
Tony shook his head, flicking on the indicator as he turned into his street. Some things were better off forgotten.
The End