Touch
Title: Touch
Summary: Ever hero had a weakness, for Speedy it was the memory that he couldn't say no.
Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, only the idea.
Pairings: Mention of Brother Blood/Speedy
Warnings: Slightly dark and angsty, slight mentions of pedophilia, some language.
Winter-Rae: Hey there fellow Teen Titans fans and writers! This is my first official Teen Titan fic! This is a hurt/comfort/friendship fic between the Titans East but mostly between; Speedy and Aqualad. They are my favourites.
Did anyone else notice how Brother Blood was totally feeling up Speedy in the 'Titans East II' episode? Well this one shot explores how Speedy might have felt about that afterwards. Its a little bit angsty and dark but I tried to lighten it up. Enjoy!
Touch
Touch, feel, caress. All of the words to describe an action of affection and friendship annoyed him to no end. There was nothing tender about it, nothing sweet or innocent to it. All that was there was a desire to dominate and rule over the other person. That's the way Speedy looked at it anyway. How he hated the feeling, the thought, the very memory of someone laying a finger on him in that way. It was his body, no one owned him. What gave him the right to touch him? Who did he think he was?
Speedy hit the punching bag each time a question came to his mind about that night. He wanted to erase all thoughts and memories of that night from his mind but no matter what he did they wouldn't go away. The thoughts kept him up at night and even woke him up if he did manage to fall asleep. Dreams, no wait, nightmares was more the word for them. He woke up ever night drenched in a cold sweat and feeling violated.
A hot bath was the only thing that calmed him. Knowing that the steaming hot water would cleanse him of the feeling brought some comfort, though not much. He would rub his skin raw until all traces of that feeling were gone. He didn't delight in the pain it caused him, he was never one to enjoy pain but it was the only way to get rid of the dirty and violated feeling so he endured it.
His back was the worst of it. He couldn't stand hardly any pressure on it anymore. When Aqualad, Mas or Menos would slap him on the back in a job well done he winced and glared at them, warning them not to touch him again. Bumblebee however seemed to know something was up, how he hated how observant she was. She made sure the others left him alone and didn't press him for an answer. In that way he was grateful for her.
However the looks of concern she got when he would appear late for a training session or miss a mark that would normally be easy angered him. What was she anyway, his mother? Far from it. He couldn't be mad at them though, he wouldn't take out his problems on the others, they were his friends and as much as he wanted to be alone he did appreciate having them around, just in case.
He was jealous of them in a way as they didn't appear to remember much about that night like he did. It was like he was outside of himself. Like he was watching himself do things he would never do, like attack Cyborg and the others. It was like watching a horror movie as Blood laid his filthy hands on him. First his shoulders, then as one hand trailed down his back the other ran cross his cheek, and then chin.
Fucking pervert.
He shuddered at the thought again. It was driving him mad thinking about it all the time. He would give anything for a moment's peace from them. Nothing seemed to distract him though. Every bad guy to him was another Brother Blood he had to take down; every time one of the others got hurt it was that feeling of helplessness that he couldn't do anything to help. Everything reminded him of that night.
"Speedy?"
The Archer looked up to see Aqualad watching him carefully. He looked down at his feet to see that he had knocked the punching bag off of its hinge where it now lay on the floor of the training room. He sighed and kicked at the object.
"Guess I better fix that," he muttered. Aqualad shrugged.
"You can do it later," he said, "Come for a walk with me."
"No thanks."
"Why not?" Aqualad asked sounding slightly insulted, "We always went for walks before."
"Things change."
"In a matter of two weeks?" the Atlantean challenged, "I seriously doubt that. Did I do something to insult you? If I did I apologize for it now."
"It's not you," Speedy said simply. He gathered up his bow and arrows and made to leave.
"You're pushing us all away," Aqualad said as he walked by him, "I don't know what's bothering you but you don't have to face it alone you know."
Speedy froze and glared at him.
"You don't know shit," he snapped. Aqualad grabbed his arm; Speedy panicked and jerked his arm out of his grasp.
"Don't," he said sounding shaken, "Don't touch me."
"Speedy tell me what's wrong!"
"Just don't touch me again!"
Aqualad watched as Speedy stalked off. He crossed his arms over his chest. He could tell something was eating at his friend and what bothered him more was that Speedy was letting it rule over him. This wasn't like him at all, nothing could own or control Speedy, and he was a free spirit and a strong one at that. The Atlantean might have been regularly annoyed with him but he enjoyed Speedy's company and cocky attitude, it was amusing.
He located Bumblebee and voiced his concerns for the Archer. She, however, didn't appear to share his opinion.
"Leave him be Aqualad," she said, "If he wants help he'll seek it out."
"But what if he doesn't?" Aqualad asked, "I've never seen him like this before."
"We haven't been a team that long," she reminded him. He was about to argue further but she was right. He hardly knew anything about Speedy of the others, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to ignore the fact that something was bothering Speedy.
"Look," he said, "Something is really getting to him; I know you see it too. You're the leader you should be doing something!"
"What do you expect me to do?" she snapped, getting up in his face, "You don't think I'm worried about him? I'm awake ever night wondering if all of you are okay! I check the security system at least three times a night to make sure no one gets in here to hurt you guys! I care so much about each of you that it hurts! I want nothing more then to hold him in my arms and protect him but he won't let me do that, none of you will!"
Aqualad took a step back, feeling guilty for accusing her of not doing a good job. She might act tough but Bumblebee had a mother's heart. She was their leader and their protector; always giving everything she could in order to protect them. She had turned her back to him and went back to work on the computer. He placed a hand on her shoulder and made her look at him.
"I'm sorry," he said, "I had no idea you cared so much."
She shrugged.
"I'm a woman," she replied, "That's all we do. Listen Aqualad if you do manage to get him to talk tell him that we are all here for him okay?"
"You got it."
Aqualad couldn't find Speedy for the rest of the day, which both annoyed and worried him. He had walked all through the Tower but with no luck. He called Speedy's communicator but no response and even ran a search to make sure nothing was going on in the city that Speedy might be trying to handle on his own. Mas y Menos picked up on the absence of their friend and had taken to following Aqualad around asking about him.
"Regresará?"
"Adonde fué?"
"No habra sido por lo del gel para el pelo, no?"
"Nos odia, verdad?"
"Si lo ves, dile que no volveremos a molestarlo, deacuerdo?"
"Incluso dejaremos de esconder su cepillo!"
Aqualad grinned at the twins. The two of them were looking up at him holding hands with concerned looks on their faces.
"He'll be back I'm sure, I don't know where he went at the moment, and what did you guys do to his hair gel anyway? No, he doesn't hate you, and if I see him I will pass him the messages," he answered.
"Gracias!" they chirped before taking off and not answering his question. Aqualad walked through the Tower again and sighed.
"You'd think I was a stalker or something," he mused to himself quietly.
"Talking to yourself is a sign of insanity," a familiar voice pointed out. Aqualad looked up to see Speedy. He was sitting in the rafters of the unfinished ceiling on the fifth floor.
"No, it's when you start answering your self that you really have to worry," the Atlantean replied as he joined his friend. Speedy chuckled.
"We've been looking for you all day."
"We?"
"Yes we; as in me, Mas, Menos and Bumblebee," Aqualad replied, getting annoyed, "We were worried."
"Don't be," Speedy replied, "I'm fine."
"I don't believe that for a second."
"Believe what you want," Speedy said with a shrug, "I don't care."
He jumped down from the rafters with Aqualad following him.
"Are you always this selfish?" he asked. Speedy glared at him.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know full well what I am talking about! You take off and not tell anyone where you are! What if something happened to you? Bumblebee's heart would have broken, the twins would have been convinced it was something they did and I would feel guilty that I never stopped whatever it is that's bothering you!"
Speedy looked taken aback by his normally reserved friend's outburst.
"I told you already my problem has nothing to do with you guys, just forget about it."
"Easier said then done, we want the old Speedy back."
"Tell that to Blood then."
Aqualad raised an eyebrow.
"What does he have to do with this?"
"Everything!" Speedy yelled, "He's the one who did this to me!"
Aqualad was thoroughly confused. Speedy watched his reaction and frowned.
"Never mind," he said walking away, "Forget I said anything."
"Wait a minute is that what this is about?" Aqualad asked, "The night we went after Cyborg and the others?"
Speedy froze in mid step, his fists clenched at his sides. Aqualad could see he was getting somewhere so he pressed on.
"It's not your fault Speedy," he said, "There was nothing we could have done, he had complete hold on our minds and…"
"That's bullshit!" Speedy yelled, "We could have fought, we could have said no! We could have done something, anything."
"Speedy what's really bothering you?" Aqualad asked, "It's more then that I can tell."
"Didn't you feel helpless?" Speedy asked, "Like no matter how much you wanted to resist or pull away you just…couldn't?"
"Of course I did," Aqualad replied, "You think I enjoyed calling out to that creep for help like I did? Or that I enjoyed watching him use us like that, Speedy there was nothing we could do. It's over now so all we can really do is move on and forget it."
"That might be easy for you to do," Speedy snapped, "But I can't, not after what he did."
Aqualad could only watch as Speedy walked away for the second time that day. He thought hard for a moment about what Speedy could be talking about when something came to him.
'No,' he thought hurrying off to find Bumblebee. He found her just starting to shut down the computer.
"Do we still have the footage from when Blood took over the Tower?" he asked her. She jumped in surprise.
"Don't sneak up on me like that!" she scolded, "And yes we do, why?"
"I think I might know what's bothering Speedy but I need to be sure."
She nodded and left him to work. Aqualad searched through the footage until he found what he was looking for. In the video they were all surrounding Cyborg who had been pinned down to a table.
"Thanks to you Cyborg I've entered the digital age," Brother Blood was saying, "With your nifty cybernetic implants enhancing my metal powers I'll be able to control thousands of students. Once they've been upgraded with the proper hardware of course."
Aqualad watched as Blood's hands traveled all over Speedy's body. First his shoulders, then one hand trailed down his back the other ran cross his cheek, and then chin.
"Oh my God, Speedy."
Speedy woke during the night. Once again drenched in sweat and feeling that awful sense of guilt and worthlessness. He sighed and got out of his bed making his way to the bathroom. After drawing a hot bath he got in the steaming water, forgetting to remove his boxers, and started to wash himself. He hissed in pain as the bristles of the scrub brush bit into the skin of his back but still he scrubbed.
Aqualad was awakened when he heard the sound of water running. He got out of bed quickly and followed the sound to Speedy's bathroom. He pressed his ear to the door and heard quiet sobbing along with the occasional curse. He felt so sorry for his friend after finally figuring out what was really bothering him. He could only imagine how awful he felt. He plucked up his courage and knocked quietly on the door.
"Speedy," he said, "I know what happened now, I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you, but I'm here now, Bumblebee wanted you to know that we're all here for you and the twins said that they would stop bothering you and hiding your comb."
Aqualad listened and heard a sad laugh.
"I knew that was them."
"You need anything?"
"A hand."
Aqualad bit his lip, wondering if he was the best person for the task but he couldn't leave now after saying he was here. He opened the door and he jaw dropped when he seen Speedy's back. The Archer was sitting in the bath tub with his arms wrapped around his knees, pulling them to his chest.
"Speedy."
"I wasn't trying to hurt myself," Speedy said as he noticed the Atlantean's eyes on his back, "I just wanted to feel clean."
Aqualad nodded. He opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out the first aid kit, gauze and some surgical tape. He offered a hand to Speedy who took it. He pulled him to his feet and helped him out of the tub handing him a towel. As the water ran down the drain Aqualad started to dab some ointment onto the sores.
"Would you rather have Bumblebee do this?" he asked. Speedy shrugged.
"I don't care either way," he said then added with a chuckle, "I feel more comfortable with you anyway, she'll just yell at me and probably hit me over the head again."
"She was worried about you," the Atlantean pointed out placing gauze on the worst wounds, "She said she wanted to do nothing more then hold you and protect you."
"She really said that?"
"Yes."
"She doesn't seem the tender type."
"You don't seem the crying type yet here we are," Aqualad shot back.
"I'm not trying to start a fight," Speedy replied quietly, "You like her or something?"
"I respect her," Aqualad said, "She's my friend and so are you."
"Thanks."
"You know it's not your fault right?" Aqualad asked, "You had no control over it."
Speedy nodded.
"Maybe," he said.
"No maybes," Aqualad interrupted, "It is not your fault and no one could see this outcome end of story."
"You seem pretty confident in that."
"I am."
"You don't think I deserved it?"
"What are you talking about?" the Atlantean asked, "No one deserves to be hurt like that no matter who they are. Least of all you."
"You say that like you know my life's history," Speedy scoffed.
"I don't," Aqualad replied, "All I know is that you are my friend and one of the best heroes around here. Even if you were a bad person, like you seem to think you are, you still didn't deserve it. If I ever gave you the impression that I wanted something bad to happen to you I hope you will forgive me that was never my intention."
Speedy smiled slightly.
"No, you never gave me that impression," he said, "I just thought you hated me."
"I don't hate you Speedy," the water bender replied, "Just what you eat."
Speedy laughed quietly, remembering the fish tacos.
"You give a pretty good pep talk there Aqualad," he said after a few minutes of silence had passed between them. Aqualad had stood and replaced the kit and ointment.
"I try."
Speedy frowned.
"Seriously though, thanks."
"Anytime Speedy."
"I mean it."
"I know you do."
Fin
Winter-Rae: I know I exaggeratedthe Brother Blood part but I kinda had to for the sake of this fic. Anyway I hope I was able to do some justice to writing for Teen Titans fan fiction. I personally think angst suits Speedy/Roy Harper. Anyway I do have a fic in mind for Teen Titans but it all depends on how people respond to this and if they like my writing. Well thanks for reading; let me know what you thought! Cheers.
Oh and if you were wondering what Mas and Menos were asking Aqualad here it is, it's all in order. I hope my translations were okay. I used a website as I don't speak Spanish. (EDIT!!!) Thanks so much to Smellerbee for correcting me on my Spanish translations!!
"Is he coming back?"
"Where did he go?"
"This isn't about the hair gel thing is it?"
"Does he hate us?"
"If you see him you'll tell him we won't bother him anymore right?"
"We'll even stop hiding his comb!"
"Thank you!"