I wrote this a while ago, but I still find it funny. Disclaimer: Do I look like Douglas Adams or Russel T Davies? Didn't think so.
This is a bar. It's not an ordinary bar. Built on the dreariest planet in the universe, it's a bar for the losers and rejects of the galaxy, the people who have just given up and gone to drink away their sorrows. The bartender doesn't mind. He gets plenty of custom, and there are hardly any fights.
Today a man in an extremely worn and dirty dressing gown is staring into his glass. He wonders just how drunk he is, and if he could get any more so. Across from him, a man with scruffy brown hair and a disheveled pin-stripe suit is banging his head against the wall. Thump. Thump. He stops and stares at his shoes. "So what's your sob story?" he asks the dressing-gown man.
"Why?" he answers.
"I'm looking for someone with more reason to be depressed than me. They've got to be out there somewhere."
"Ha," says the one in the dressing-gown. "Ha. Your story can't be anything compared to mine. My planet blew up."
"So did mine," says the one in the suit. "I was the one who blew it up. Beat that."
"Since my planet blew up," his companion continues, "I have been traveling all over the galaxy in an extremely unreliable spaceship, getting blown up and shot at."
"Story of my life, man, story of my life. It's been at least nine hundred years since I wasn't being blown up and shot at. And my spaceship? Unreliable is her middle name."
"Oh yeah? Well... well... my girl left me."
"Oh that's original," the other says sarcastically. "Happens to me all the time. They're always leaving. That or going off with handsome alien types."
"That's what happened to me! And then my friends left me on a horribly depressing planet."
"My whole species left me on a horribly depressing planet."
"Then I found another girl, just to have her disappear into some other universe."
"Been there, done that, got the t-shirt." He sighs. "Been everywhere and done everything, in fact, although for some reason there is rarely a t-shirt."
"Oh and I was stranded on prehistoric Earth for a while."
"You think that's something? I've been stranded in the middle of the Plague, the San Francisco Earthquake, World War Two..."
The one with the dressing gown raises his head and peers blearily at his companion. "You've been to Earth?"
"Have I ever! Saved it from certain destruction so many times you wouldn't believe. But do I ever get some thanks? A pat on the back, a commemorative medal? Of course not."
"Same here," says Arthur. "Saved the whole universe, in fact."
"Oh, I did that, too," says the Doctor. "When I blew up my planet, in fact. Now that's what I call self-sacrifice. No thanks, of course. Take it from me, saving the world is a very thankless job."
They order some more drinks. "I wish there was some tea."
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