I'm back for part 2! As are all of you, hopefully... anywho, this covers everything the first part didn't cover of season 4: namely, "The Shape of Things to Come" to the end of the season. And Lost still isn't mine... though a killer case of Lost withdrawal already is.
(everyone is standing in a circle staring at each other)
Sawyer: Um, is the writer's strike over? Are we allowed to move the plot forward now?
Keamy: (checking watch) Not yet… ten more seconds…
-TEN SECONDS LATER-
Ben: (mid-speech to Locke) …Well, think about it. What's the most exciting thing that can happen on TV, or in real life? Somebody has a gun! That's why I keep stashes of them in my piano bench at all times! Just in case life starts to get a little boring.
Hurley: (looking out the window) Um, dude, hate to interrupt, but I think the plot just started up again.
Alex: (kidnapped by the evil Freighteries) You guys suck! And you're really evil after all! And you have a terrible nickname!
Keamy: Good thing most people don't call us that then. Now. Let us into New Otherton so we can blow stuff up!
Freighteries: (start shooting all the non-series regulars)
Redshirt 1: What's going- aah! (shot dead)
Sawyer: (frantically trying to hit snipers) OMG! All you redshirts get back inside!
Redshirts 2 and 3: (coming outside) Did that guy just get shot- argh! (both of them get shot dead)
Sawyer: STUPID, STUPID REDSHIRTS!! (runs to save Claire from a similar stupidity-caused fate)
Claire's House: (explodes)
Claire: (somehow okay, but delirious) Charlieeeee…
Sawyer: I'll save you Claire!! (carries her to Ben's house)
Claire: Hey, do you think I died already and just no one thought to tell you guys?
Sawyer: Puh-lease. Do you really think they'd do something like that to the viewers?
Damon and Carlton: Hmmm… well… would we?
Ben: Guys! Can we focus? That bastard Keamy's holding a gun to Alex's head!
Keamy: Come out here, Ben, or I will totally shoot your daughter dead.
Alex: (whining into walkie-talkie) Daaaaaaaaad!!
Ben: Don't worry Alex, I got this one. Hey Keamy! You're a poophead!
Keamy: Grr. (shoots Alex dead)
Ben: …
Locke: Okay, we need to escape. Ben, what's the plan?
Ben: (blinks)
Hurley: Dude?
Ben's Bug-Like Eye: (twitch twitch twitch)
Sawyer: (whispers) Let's turn him in now.
Claire: No. That's mean.
Ben: (mutters something like "He changed the rules". Or "Pea-brains are fools". Or "Rearrange the pools".)
Sawyer: (back to Claire, agreeably) Yeah, you're right. If you weren't possibly dead, we could totally hook up.
Claire: Yay! Charlie who?
Da Phoenix: Gasp!! …It's okay, Claire. I blame the writers for your egregious lapse in memory.
Locke: Ben, what d'ya say?
Ben: …………………… (abruptly screaming) SIC 'EM, SMOKEY!!
Smokey: (totally eats the Freighteries)
Locke: Ben, you liarpants! You said you didn't know what the smoke monster was!
Ben: I know. That was obviously a mutant raincloud. Or maybe I just lied to you. Again. Now John, Hurley, let's go say hi to Jacob.
Hurley: Um, okay, dude. But you're totally done getting your revenge for this little mishap with Alex, right?
Ben: Oh, yeah, of course.
Meanwhile, in the future… oh, you get it. Ben's still killing people to avenge Alex's death, even though it's kind of his fault she's dead. Also, he has traveled to the Tunisian future because of that whole move-the-island thing that's going to come up later. (Oops. Um… spoiler alert?)
Future Ben: Hey Sayid, come and kill people for me.
Future Sayid: Will do, since you told me Widmore killed Nadia and all.
Future Da Phoenix: NOOOOOOO NOT NADIA!!
Future Ben: (smiles mysteriously, then takes a taxi from Iraq to London. Or you know, teleports there or something.) Widmore, you totally killed my daughter, and that sucks.
Future Widmore: No, actually, Keamy totally killed her. Ain't my fault he's a sexy bastard.
Future Ben: Well, I'm going to kill Penny, so look out!
Future Desmond: NO EFFIN' WAY, BRUTHA!! … (misses Charlie somewhat belatedly)
Sawyer: Whatevs. Me and Claire are totally blowing this island joint. We're going to start a love nest at the beach!
Claire: Oh Char- Sawyer!
Sawyer: Oh Freck- Claire!
Da Phoenix: Hmm… Kate's a bitch and Charlie's DEAD… I think I can live with this ship!
--
Ship's Doctor: (washes up dead on the beach)
Charlotte: Whoa. That's weird. But I know nothing! Nothing, I say!
Daniel: Yeah… nothing…
Jack: (getting mysteriously sicker ever since Kate tried to striptease for him) Whatever, ask your boat what happened to him, but for some reason use Morse code instead of just talking to them! Bernard, come here and translate so I know they're not lying.
Bernard: (startled) What? Me? I'm in another episode this season? Whoo hoo! I'm 3 for 9, baby!
Jack: Yeah, don't let it go to your head. You somehow speak Morse code even though you're a dentist, right?
Bernard: … Yeah, I "speak" Morse code, you dot dot dash dot dot dot dot dash dash dash dash.
Jack: (unaware that he's just been PWND in Morse code) Great!
Phone: (makes beeping noises)
Daniel: (perturbed) Um… everything's great! Yeah!
Bernard: He's totally lying. Plus the doctor's not dead… in this time zone. (eerie Twilight Zone music) Hey, check it out! I did something useful for the camp! (is proud)
Jack: (looks sad) You weren't ever going to rescue us, were you, Freighteries?
Daniel: Gee, what gave it away?
--
Miles: (walking in the jungle with Sawyaire, aka Da Phoenix's new favorite ship) Hey Claire, gimme the baby.
Claire: Um, no, you creeper.
Sawyer: Hey you! Restraining order!
Miles: Whatever. Hey, since I hear dead people, I know Karl and Danielle really are dead!
Da Phoenix: Boooooo!
Freighter Mercenaries: (by contrast, AREN'T really dead, even though Smokey clearly ate them last episode)
Frank: Miles! You've got to hide from "our" people!
Miles: Will do, since clearly you and I – and Daniel – are the only Freighteries that aren't out to kill everyone!
Frank: And Charlotte, right?
Miles: Eh. Her I'm not so sure about.
(they all hide in the bushes, Sawyer nearly shoots Keamy in the face, but then Frank saves them all by telling the mercenaries to go away)
Claire: (in the middle of the night) ZOMG Dad! (follows Christian into the jungle, leaving Aaron behind?!)
Sawyer: (holding Aaron) Dammit Claire, you're supposed to raise your dang baby! Come back here! Do you want him to get on the helicopter without you?! What about Desmond's vision that killed Charlie? It has to come true or there will be some very angry fans!!
Aaron: Yeah, and who's supposed to feed me now?
Sawyer: I know, right? And what about our beach love nest? Claire! Claaaaaaaaaaire!!
Michael: (hears him from the freighter) Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to scream the name of a loved one in the middle of the deserted jungle!
--
Juliet: So, Jack. That "suspicious stomach bug" you have? It's really appendicitis.
Jack: Dang. Guess I'll just have to operate on myself then.
Juliet: Um, no. I'll do it for you.
Jack: But, Juliet! If we can't live together, we're going to die alone!
Juliet: Yeah, I don't think that speech applies here.
Jack: Pffft, nonsense. Really Juliet, I can do my own surgery…
Juliet: Good lord, Jack, can't you just let this go?
Jack: NO I CAN'T!! You should know by now that I can never let ANYTHING go!!
Kate: Well, I'm sure that's bound to change in the future.
Meanwhile, in the future, nothing about Jack has changed. And if you expected them to, then… you expected wrong.
Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: Marry me, Kateeeeeeeeeee!!
Future Kate: Okay!
Jaters: Yay!
Skaters: (throw up. A LOT.)
Future Kate: Just let me make several suspicious phone calls to/for/about Sawyer first.
Skaters: (stop throwing up) Yay!
Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: Well, forget it then! I'll just go and start seeing hallucinations of my dead daddy and get addicted to anti-anxiety pills and alcohol!
Future Kate: (angrily) Fine! Get out of my house, you deadbeat!
Future Loony-Bin Hurley: Yo Jack. Dead Charlie told me to tell you that you're not supposed to raise Aaron. At least, that's probably who he was talking about. Messages from the dead are so infuriatingly ambiguous…
Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: I'm so depressed. Nothing left for me to do now but grow a beehive beard!
Juliet: So even though I'm definitely not a surgeon, I'm still going to attempt risky desert island surgery on Jack! With Bernard's help, of course.
Bernard: (trembling) Wh-what? I've been in 4 of the last 10 episodes, with a significant role in each?! I'm… I'm gonna die soon, aren't I?! (sobs)
Juliet: (sighs heavily) Just knock him out, Bernard.
Bernard: Fine. (smothering Jack with chloroform) It's ok, Jack. Just think of something nice back home.
Jack: THERE IS NOTHING "NICE" WAITING FOR ME BACK HOME, YOU… (mutters incoherently and passes out)
Daniel: Hey, guess what?! Jin and I went into the Fortress of Estrogen without our faces melting off!! What was that about "no boys allowed", Juliet? Hm?
Juliet: Just so you know, every boy who ever went down there is dead now.
Daniel: (dramatic music, zoom in) …What?
Jin: Bad news for Future Me then, I guess. (to Charlotte in Korean) Hey Charlotte, you totally speak Korean, which I know, because I rock. Get Sun off this island or I break Daniel-who-has-a-crush-on-you's face, mkay?
Charlotte: (in Korean) Fine, whatever. (pause) Wait, he has a crush on me?! Squee!
Juliet: Good news, Kate! Jack didn't die from this surgery, even though I'm a fertility doctor who's never held a scalpel before, none of the instruments are sterilized, and we're on a sand-filled, germy beach instead of in a hospital!
Kate: Good. I didn't want to be stuck choosing Sawyer if Jack was dead!
Juliet: BTW, Jack kissed me, but I think he loves you, mainly because he was understandably freaked out about having to compete with Ben for my affections. But of course, we're going to keep that part nice and ambiguous so our love polygon can continue to thrive.
Kate: Good idea. Don't want EVERYTHING resolved with 2 more seasons to go, after all.
--
Locke: So guys, I totally had this vision with a dead Dharma guy who's going to tell us how to find Jacob!
Ben: (nostalgically) I used to have dreams too…
Locke: Well blah blah I'm better than you blah blah Island magic blah blah blah destiny blah.
Ben: Great speech, John. But you know, destiny is a fickle bitch.
That: (was the best line ever)
Locke: Yeah, whatever, Benry. Hey, check it out! The cabin!
Hurley: Yeah… I think Ben and I will just hang out here and eat an Apollo bar.
Ben: (grumbles while chewing candy) Locke's the new chosen one, wtf…
Meanwhile, in the… past… the Others have been recruiting Locke since like, birth.
Locke: Damn straight I'm the chosen one!
Christian: (in the cabin) 'Sup John? I'm Jacob's meat puppet!
Claire: And I'm just going to mysteriously be in here too, being all nonchalant about having left my baby alone in the jungle!
Locke: WTF? Are you like, dead or something?
Christian: Why don't you just ask the only question that really matters?
Locke: WHAT IS CLAIRE DOING IN HERE?!
Christian: Nope, not that one.
Locke: Um okay… erm… what is the Monster?
Christian: Guess again!
Locke: (ponders long list of unanswered questions in the show) ...Where are we?
Christian: Nope! Last chance.
Locke: …How come the island hasn't cured my baldness too?
Christian: Never mind, I'll just tell you how to save the Island.
Locke: (coming out of cabin) Guys!! Jacob wants us to take the Island and push it somewhere else!!
Hurley: (contemplatively) …That idea may just be crazy enough… TO GET US ALL KILLED!!
--
Keamy: So Captain: That smoke column/mutant raincloud/generally creepy thing in the jungle totally killed one of my fellow evil mercenaries. But I'm going back to the Island to kill everyone anyway!
Captain: Dude, mass murder was soooo not in my contract.
Sayid: Why were we not supposed to trust the captain again? I'd say we're not supposed to trust Keamy!
Captain: I know, right? Anyway, you guys should take this boat and go save your people. But remember: 305°, side effects, etc. etc.
Sayid: Sweet, I can be a hero again! Let's go, Dezzy!!
Desmond: Enh. Penny.
Sayid: Pffffff. You're such a wimp.
Desmond: (splutters) NO! I'm a… romantic…
Sayid: Whatever you say. (drives the boat off heroically while Desmond twiddles his thumbs)
Keamy: So Doctor, we got this weird Morse code message that said you were already dead.
Doctor: That is weird.
Keamy: Guess I'd better kill you then! (slits his throat and dumps him overboard, where he washes up two episodes… earlier?)
Da Phoenix: Guh… show… melting… brain…
Michael: (tied up, but still won't die) Frank! Don't take Keamy back to the Island, dude! He'll kill everyone!
Keamy: Frank! Take me back to the Island, dude! So I can kill everyone!
Frank: Hmmm… who to obey? (ponders)
Keamy: Well, I just shot the Captain! AND I have a guitar tuner thingy on my arm!
Frank: Well, I can't argue with that logic! (flies the mercenaries back to the island like a COWARD, though he manages to drop a sat phone for the Islanders)
Jack: (picks up phone) Yay, now we can go right to where these people are, and they can totally rescue us!
Juliet: You DUMBASS!! Have you been asleep this entire season?!
Jack: No, just stupid. For the entire series. OK, let's go find that chopper, Kate!
Juliet: But Jack, you just had an append-
Jack; Yeah, shut up, Jules! (goes anyway)
Juliet: (near tears) Well, just try not to die then, Jack! (storms off tempestuously)
Da Phoenix: Don't listen to her, Jack. You can die if you really want to.
--
Ben: Let's have a pointless scene, you guys!
Locke: Okay!
(something with ancient crackers and a mirror)
Hurley: Thank goodness that's over. Now how are we going to "move the Island"?
Ben: With the Orchid.
Hurley: Cool. …Wait, what's the-
Ben: Oh crap! The mercenaries are already there!
Locke: That sucks. Let's just forget it then.
Ben: No no, I have a plan. I'ma turn myself in to the Freighteries, even though I've just spent the entire season staying away from them, to the point of letting them kill my daughter so I could keep my freedom!
(Ben gets sucked into a black plot hole. I mean, pistol-whipped into oblivion by Keamy.)
--
Kate: So, Jack. You're bleeding from that major surgery you just had like, yesterday.
Jack: No I'm not. Transparent medical-sounding lie!
Kate: How have you survived for this long?
(before Jack can come up with another transparent medical-sounding lie, Miles, Sawyer, and Aaron stumble out of the jungle)
Kate: Oh Sawyer!
Sawyer: Oh Claire!
Kate: …
Sawyer: As in "Oh, we lost Claire". Anyway, time to catch y'all up on the plot, since you were busy having a less action-movie like time down on the beach. And to rub it in your face, Jack! Locke was right about the Freighteries being evil!
Jack: (not listening) That's great, Scott. Now I'm going to go after the helicopter to get rescued, so… cya!
Sawyer: (rolls eyes) Hold up, you don't get to die alone! (leaves Aaron with Kate as he chases after Jack)
Kate: Hey! My fantasy is not two men chasing after each other! (looks at Aaron maternally)
Aaron: Don't even think about pretending I'm your baby!
Meanwhile, in the future, Kate is pretending Aaron's her baby. Which is only one of the 4815162342 transparent lies the Oceanic Six are telling the world.
Future Sayid: But on the bright side, me and Nadia got married!
Fans: (knowing what happens to her) Nooooooooooo Nadia!! (sob)
Future Sun: Also, I bought my daddy's company!
Future Mr. Paik: Well, this sucks.
Future Sun: Well, you killed Jin! So nyeah!!
Future Hurley: ZOMG the Numbers are on this dashboard! The curse! THE CURSE!! (runs screaming down the street)
Future Claire's Mom: (at Christian's memorial) Yo Jack, Claire was your secret half-sister!
Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: (is flabbergasted)
Fans: About TIME one of them figured it out!
Frank: (wearing the helicopter as a charm bracelet) ZOMG you guys, you found me! Hooray for you!
Sawyer: You mean hooray for ME. So what's going on, you yahoo?
Frank: Oh, you know. Keamy's out to kill everyone, especially the people with Ben, yadda yadda. You know, same old.
Sawyer: Heavy sigh. Well, now we got to go save Hurley. He's one of the Oceanic Six, after all.
Jack: (paying attention for once) One of the what?
Sawyer: … (points into the jungle) Look, Jack! Shiny!
Jack: (hypnotized) Oooooooooh, I liiiiiiiiike shiny…
(they go to the Orchid)
--
Sayid: OK all you redshirts! Time to get rescued!
Kate: (stumbling out of the jungle) No, we can't leave Jack behind! They've got him and we've got to get him back. I owe him that!
Sayid: Wait… who's got him?
Kate: Um… uh… Sun! Take Aaron so I can chase after Jack!
Sun: Face it, Kate: He's just not that into you.
Sayid: Well, let's go anyway, since I'm the newly-appreciated supercool action hero of the show! (he and Kate go into the jungle)
Redshirts: But who's going to rescue us then?
Daniel: (raising hand and jumping up and down) Ooh! I'll take the redshirts to the freighter!
Juliet: Well, you're eager to prove yourself, ain't ya? (lets Daniel take a bunch of redshirts, plus Jin, Sun, and Aaron, to the freighter)
Kate: (running through the jungle) Jack! Jaaaaack!
Sayid: Kate, if you don't quit stealing Michael's thunder, someone's going to-
Richard Alpert: "Find us"?
Kate: Wow Sayid, your voice sounded really funny just then! (turns to see that they're surrounded by Others) …Ohhhhhhh.
Sayid: (facepalm)
--
Michael: (to Sun and Jin on the freighter) Hi guys! Miss me?
Sun and Jin: (glare glare)
Michael: Oh right… the whole double murder/quadruple kidnapping thing would kind of put a damper on our friendship…
Desmond: (wandering around the freighter) Sigh. Sayid got to go off and be an action hero, while I'm stuck on this boring, relatively safe boat… (stumbles on a giant pile of C4) …Now that's more like it!
Jin and Michael: (run into C4 room) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh SNAP!
Jin: Are these explosives going to detonate?
Michael: Dammmmmmn, you've gotten good at English!
Jin: Yeah, I'm just awesome like that.
Desmond: Guys! Focus! Imminent death!
Michael: Oh right.
(OMG THE SUSPENSE!!1!!1!!)
--
-ONE WEEK LATER-
Meredith: Oh McDreamy!
McDreamy: Oh Meredith!
Izzie: Oh Alex!
Alex: Oh Izzie!
Lexie: Oh George!
George: Oh… hi.
Fans: Grey's Anatomy?? WTF?! This ain't Lost! Get back to the perilous situations already!! C4! Orchid Station! Guy In The Coffin! OCEANIC SIX!!
ABC: Never mind that, look! Lesbian surgeons! Shiiiiiiiiny!!
Fans: MMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISLAND!!
ABC: Sigh. Okaaaaaaaaaay…
--
Michael: Bomb, doom, blah blah exposition, since it's been TWO WEEKS SINCE THIS SHOW WAS ON THE AIR!
ABC: Sor-ree! Lost isn't the only show on the air, you know!
Desmond: Luckily, I know enough about C4 to know that we're all doomed.
Michael: Don't worry, I know just what to do. Because we deal with this kind of stuff all the time in the construction biz.
Jin: I am highly skeptical of the veracity of your claim.
Michael: Dude, keep rockin' the English! Anyway, if we just freeze the battery, we'll all be A-OK.
Desmond: No we won't, brutha! (misses Charlie)
Sun: I'm pregnant, Michael!
Michael: … Um… it's not mine, right?
Sun: No, the writers never developed our love triangle to that point.
Michael: Oh yeah. Well, good for you! (huffs off unusually angrily, considering he and Sun were never an item)
--
Keamy: I'm still unbelievably evil, Ben. And now I've got you! Mwahahahahaha!!
Others: (kill all the mercenaries)
Sayid: (stabs Keamy good and dead… right?)
Ben: 'Bout time, you guys! You've been gone all season… so, Richard, what's the deal with Kate and Sayid?
Richard Alpert: (still hasn't aged) Oh, they're not together. Sayid had enough sense not to get entangled in the love polygon that surrounds Kate for some inexplicable-
Ben: I mean with them helping you save me and all.
Richard: Ohhhh. Why didn't you say so? We're letting them go home.
Ben: (thinks) Cool. Now get to the choppa, you two!
Kate: Seriously?! Squee!!
Sayid: Um… is there a catch?
Ben: Nope. Just get out of my face.
Sayid: Okay then… (he and Kate leave)
--
(Jack and Sawyer find Locke and Hurley)
Locke: So Jack, it's been a while since you and I had a thematic talk about destiny.
Jack: True.
Locke: Blah blah destiny blah Miracle Island.
Jack: Science yadda yadda miracles are crap.
Locke: Lie to the world about what happened on the island so you can protect us all, mkay?
Jack: I'll think about it.
(meanwhile, Hurley and Sawyer eat the Pointless Ancient Crackers)
Sawyer: Are there even a point to these things? I mean, they must be important since they keep showing up, right?
Hurley: Don't worry, I'm sure they, much like "Stranger in a Strange Land," will end up being the key to the whole series.
(NOT.)
Da Phoenix: Stupid potentially important snack food… it's making this chapter way too long!
--
Daniel: (comes back in the Zodiac) Let's go Charlotte and Miles! To the HMS Crapload O' C4!!
Miles: Eh. I'm going to stay.
Daniel: That's cool, I never liked you anyway. C'mon Charlotte!!
Charlotte: Nah, I'm staying here to be with Miles- I mean, to find the place where I was born.
Daniel: (tears) Fine, potential love interest. Um… Juliet, will you come with me?
Juliet: Nope, I'm being noble and staying behind until everyone's gone.
Daniel: Rose? Bernard?
Bernard: No WAY! If I do anything else this season, I'm definitely going to die while doing it!
Rose: And SOMEONE has to stop people stealing food from the pantry. (glares at Miles)
Daniel: …Claire?
Claire: (is still missing)
Daniel: Oh, COME ON!! If I'm the only named character in this boat, the odds are that much greater that I'm going to DIE and the writers are going to forget to tell you about it!
(awkward pause)
Daniel: (nervously) Let's go, redshirts… (they all drive to the boat that is about to EXPLODE, but luckily never make it all the way there)
--
Frank: Yay, everyone's here, so now we can leave the island!!
(Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, and Sawyer get to the choppa)
Frank: ZOMG you guys, a fuel leak! We need to drop a few hundred pounds from this choppa!
(camera lingers WAY too long on Hurley)
Sawyer: Nah, I'll jump, since the WRITERS DIDN'T MAKE ME ONE OF THE OCEANIC SIX.
Kate: No Sawyer! Don't do it!
Sawyer: (whispers sweet nothings in her ear) Now kiss me, Kate!
(kiss that may or may not be "spectacular")
Sawyer: Gentlemen… milady… I wash my hands of this weirdness. (jumps from the choppa)
Frank: Uh-oh, fuel's still low! Someone else want to jump?
Kate: Jack, are you going to jump to save me too? (bats eyelashes)
Jack: Seriously? (laughs hysterically)
Frank: Well it doesn't matter now, since we're landing safe and sound on the freight-
Desmond: (runs up) THE BOAT'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE, BRUTHAS!!
Jack: …Son of a bitch!
Da Phoenix: God, Jack, quit stealing other characters' lines already…
--
Ben: So Locke, this is the Orchid. Blah blah silly experiments, blah blah blah time-traveling bunnies.
Locke: What an admirably succinct summary of the Dharma Initiative!
Ben: (grins) Thanks. I've been practicing that one for years.
Keamy: (comes down) What's up Ben?! I'm still not dead, so I'm going to taunt you about how I killed your daughter! Nyeah nyeah!
Ben's Bug-Like Eye: (starts twitching again)
Keamy: But before you do, I think you should know that if you kill me, you'll kill everyone on the freighter that you just sent everyone to, thanks to this handy-dandy probably-not-really-a-guitar-tuner!
Ben: Whatever!! (stabs Keamy repeatedly in the throat, not unlike Sweeney Todd and Sn- Judge Turpin)
Locke: OMG! I'm going to try and save his life, rather than taking the guitar tuner and putting it on my own arm! Because since this is the season finale, something has to explode!
Keamy: (finally dies)
--
(on the freighter, the light turns red)
Michael: (still trying to freeze the battery) Uh-oh. Jin, get the heck out of here.
Jin: I am far too hesitant for my own good!
Michael: Jin, listen up. You have to be the only good father in the entire series by not letting yourself explode. Now SKEDADDLE!
(Jin runs to the deck, which is EXTREMELY FAR AWAY FROM WHERE THE BOMB IS FOR SOME REASON)
Sun: (getting on the choppa with the rest of the O6, Desmond, and Frank) Wait! Jin's not here yet!
Jack: That's okay, he's not one of the Oceanic Six! We can leave without him!
(the choppa flies away)
Jin: (gets there a second too late) Wait! Come back! Please come back!
Frank: I can't come back, I don't know how it works! (waving to redshirts) Goodbye, folks!
Redshirts: Goodb-
(boat explodes, killing Michael and all the redshirts...)
Da Phoenix: But not Jin. I know it!
Sun: (understandably, screams bloody murder) We have to go back, Jack! We have to go baaaaaack!!
Jack: Why do people keep screaming that at me? We're not going back, Sun.
Sun: Then you just made my list of People Who Killed My Husband And Must Pay For It!
Frank: Bad news again, you guys: the choppa's still low on fuel!
Desmond: Bloody hell!
Jack: That's okay, just get back to the island, even though I already said there's nowhere to get fuel on that island!
--
Sawyer: (swims up) Hey Juliet, whatcha drinkin' for?
Juliet: The boat just blew up. (points)
(and indeed, the boat just blew up)
Sawyer: Dag. So you're just going to spend the next three days lying on a beach drinking rum?
Juliet: (holds up bottle in toast) Welcome to Craphole Island, love.
Sawyer: …Thanks. So… guess Kate and Jack are dead then. Does this mean we have to mandatorily hook up now?
Juliet: (disgusted) God, I hope not.
Sawyer: (relieved) Good. Now pass me that bottle! (Juliet does so) …Why is the rum gone?
Juliet: (hiccups)
--
Ben: Locke, the island has to go bye-bye now. So go be the leader of the Others for me, mkay?
Locke: (whines) But Jacob told meeeeee to move the island!
Ben: Yeah, well, people that move the island have to leave forever, so… bye. Sorry I made your life so miserable.
Locke: (cheerfully) That's okay. (he leaves to be the head of the Band of Others)
Ben (goes down to some frozen room with a giant donkey wheel)
Fans: So… "frozen donkey wheel" isn't a euphemism/code phrase?
Ben: I hope you're happy, Jacob! Thanks to you, I'm being sent to the future in Tunisia… time/space travel is cool and all, but still! My life sucks so bad right now! (turns the wheel and cries like a little girl)
(the sky turns purple and the island VANISHES!)
--
(FLASH!)
Ocean: (ripples)
Jack: WTF? Where's the island?
Hurley: It must've moved, just like Locke said he was going to do!
Jack: That's dumb, you crazy fat man.
Hurley: (sarcastically) Well gee, Jack. If it hasn't moved, then WHERE IS IT?!
Jack: Hurley, as the resident Man Of Science, I have to disagree with you, even though the island is obviously gone and has to have moved somewhere.
Frank: Well, as the resident Man Who Knows Everything About Helicopters, I have to say we're going down!
(the choppa crashes… and Da Phoenix will thankfully never have to type that word again)
Everyone: OMG! Let's reenact the pilot episode in the water!
Desmond: Why do I have to be the one in distress this time?
Jack: Because I am contractually obligated to be the hero and do CPR on someone!
Desmond: (is scarred for life after mouth-to-mouth with Jack) Ew… use a toothbrush, brutha. (misses Charlie)
(a boat approaches in the middle of the night)
Hurley: It's the Others! They're coming for the boy!
Jack: Oh no, not again!
Penny: (pokes her head out of a porthole) WTF are you talking about?
Desmond: Penny!!
Penny: Desmond!!
(DEFINITELY a spectacular kiss and awesome reunion scene!)
Penny: Ew… use a toothbrush, love.
Desmond: Oh, sorry.
(But they kiss again because they love each other!!)
Jack: You guys, Locke said to lie.
Kate: Are you kidding me? Lying is so… wrong.
Sayid: What, and you're the poster child for honesty?
Kate: …Touché. Let's do it!
Sun: (is catatonic. Poor Sun.)
Da Phoenix: Don't worry Sun, he's still somewhere out there!
Desmond: Now Penny and I are going to live happily ever after in hiding!
Penny: (holding hands with Desmond and beaming) Assuming you don't come hunting after us, Sayid.
Desmond: So, Jack, see you in-
Jack: (interrupting) See you in another life, brother! (grins)
Desmond: …Way to steal and lame-ify my catchphrase, brutha. (misses Charlie)
(and so the Oceanic Six act out their lame cover story to save their friends, yadda yadda we know the rest.)
--
Meanwhile, in the future…
Future Beehive-Bearded Jack: We have to go back, Kate. We have to go baaaaaaaack!
Fans: WTF? We've seen this already.
Future Kate: (drives backwards) Jack, you're so lame. And you suck! Three years have passed, blah blah. And why would I go to Jeremy Bentham's funeral?
Fans: …Jeremy Bentham? Is the Guy In The Coffin? There's no character named Jeremy Bentham on Lost! Why would the writers name a character after a philosopher anyway?
Locke, Rousseau, Desmond, Juliet, Boone, and Mikhail: Gee, we don't know…
Future Postpubescent Walt: Hurley, let's have a scene to establish A) that I'm not dead, and B) that my character has finally gone through puberty!
Future Mercenary Sayid: Hurley, I'm busting you out of this nuthouse joint! We're all in danger now that Bentham's dead. Paranoia keeps me alive, I killed a guy at 8:15, etcetera.
Future Loony-Bin Hurley: Cool, I'll come with you, as long as we don't go back. Checkmate, Mr. Eko!
Mr. Eko: (is still dead. Booooo.)
Future Hallucination Claire: Don't bring "him" back, Kate!
Future Kate: Don't bring WHO back? There are a lot of "hims" on this show…
Future Hallucination Claire: Just assume for now that I mean my son that you stole from me.
Future Kate: Mkay.
Future Sun: Hey Future Widmore, let's make a deal! Deal or no deal? So what is the deal?
Future Widmore: (dully) Hooray for more The Office quotes that don't fit in the parody.
Future Beehive-Bearded Jack: (breaks and enters into the World's Sketchiest Funeral Parlor) Oh Jeremy. You're dead, and now I'm suicidal.
Future Ben: We all have to go back to the island now. Mkay?
Future Beehive-Bearded Jack: But no one will talk to me anymore… they all figured out how much I really suck now that I'm not their Hero Doctorman. Goddamn it! (pouts)
Future Ben: Which is where I come in. I can… persuade them. (steeples fingers) We're going to have to bring that Jeremy corpse with us too.
Future Beehive-Bearded Jack: Oh joy. It's an intercontinental reenactment of As I Lay Dying.
-LOST-
--
(Oh yeah, and Locke's The Guy In The Coffin.)
Da Phoenix: Phew! Done!
Did you know they filmed alternate endings to the final episode with Sawyer and Desmond being in the coffin?? I saw it on Youtube and I almost cried. Because the dang show nearly killed off my favorite character again!! Luckily, it's just Locke. And I don't care as much if he lives or dies. Plus it's kind of obvious they were "dummy" endings and not "alternate" endings, since Locke is the one of those three who made the most sense to be Jeremy Bentham. And would Lost really enrage the fangirls by killing off Sawyer? Or the romantics AND the fangirls by killing off Desmond? ...Um. Well. Would it?
Only I would be able to stretch 5 hours of television into 5000 words. Why do these chapters keep growing?! Argh. Stupid me and adding in the flashforwards! Though, to be sure, season 4 has been super action-packed, and I'm afraid of leaving stuff out this time around. So much stuff has happened in these past 5 episodes!! OMG. I look back at the past 3 seasons and it's almost like nothing at all has happened!! This is the one good thing about the write's strike... and the negotiated end date. Only 2 more years of Lost!! :( sad.
So during the hiatus, I might go back and rewrite the first three chapters, since I left out so much. Or I might not. I haven't decided yet. I might also add mini-chapters talking about everyone's flashbacks, since I spent so much time in this parody talking about the future. At any rate, you just might be hearing from me during this unbearably long hiatus! (And I'm planning on doing something similar to my Hogwarts Musical project for Lost, using songs from Flight of the Conchords... yet another idea bouncing around my sick, sick brain!) So until next June, loyal readers: namaste, see you in another life, and WAAAAAAAALT- I mean, review, please!