H is for Handymen

Author: Jelsemium

Author's Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. I do not understand Galois Groupings.

Author's Notes: Writing dialog for Larry will increase your vocabulary.

Author's Dedication: Wildfyre, because this is yet another story for the 2006 Summer Alphabet Fiction Challenge. So this comes before the "Larry in Space" episodes.

Author's Notes 2: This is the first story in the Handymen trilogy. During the Summer 2006 Alphabet Challenge, I wrote two stories, then wrote a third story that was a sequel to both, so I made it a trilogy. (It's the same thing I did with the Obsession trilogy, come to think of it.)

Chapter 1 of 6

The FBI holds its agents to the strictest standards of physical fitness.

Don Eppes' talented team went beyond the minimum required. They did weight training. They did strength training. They did martial arts training. In their free time, they participated in numerous sports.

They had plenty of opportunities to display their fitness, both in direct confrontations with criminals, and in marathon workdays when sleeping more than two hours in a 24 hour period was considered slacking off.

So, when Special Agent Megan Reeves needed physical assistance in moving to her new condominium, naturally she wound up with two tenured professors whose idea of a workout was holding a book in one hand while scribbling on a blackboard with the other.

Of course, Megan told herself, considering the size of the textbooks; perhaps she shouldn't be so quick to dismiss this sort of 'workout.'

Especially as Larry appeared to be in ah very good health, she decided, admiring his slender physique. He was dressed casually in cargo pants and a brightly patterned Hawaiian shirt. His fair hair was freshly trimmed, but still had enough curl to tempt Megan's fingers.

Charlie, who wore jeans and an ugly khaki colored t-shirt, was probably also in "good health", but she didn't bother to check him… check it out. She didn't let the guys catch her at her "health assessments," either. Charlie would tease and Larry might be embarrassed.

"Come on in," she said down the stairs as the two carried drop cloths up to the third floor condo that was now her principle residence (on paper). "I really appreciate you two giving me a hand with this."

Professor Lawrence "Larry" Fleinhardt bowed gallantly. "Always a pleasure to assist a lovely lady, Agent Reeves." He tried not to stare. It wasn't that Megan's outfit was unusual; it was just that the jeans and plain white man's shirt that she was wearing looked so good on her.

Professor Charles "Charlie" Eppes rolled his eyes. "And always eager to volunteer my services."

Larry waved his hand at Charlie in a 'pooh-pooh' gesture. "You've never stinted on volunteering my expertise," he paused for effect. "… and paid time on the school's supercomputer…"

"Hey, that was only once," Charlie protested. "And the FBI reimbursed you."

"Or any of my vast intellectual resources to the federal government, when the need arises," Larry went on.

"And of course, I never assist the man in any of his projects," Charlie said sardonically.

"Don't worry, Charlie," Megan said. "You'll be compensated for your time."

Charlie smiled at her. "Spending time with you is compensation enough, Megan," he said. Under his breath he added. "Especially if it doesn't involve being shot at."

Larry frowned at him.

Charlie shrugged and headed for the kitchen.

Larry followed, looking around the condo. "This is nice," he said. "It must be a fairly old building." He tapped on one of the walls. "It's sturdier than most of the newer buildings."

"Well lit, too," Charlie added. "Nice big windows and a nice view from here," he added gesturing out of the kitchen window.

"Oh, what a pretty park," Larry said. "What's it called?"

"The Felipe de Neve cemetery," Megan said blandly.

Larry blinked. "Well, those are quiet neighbors."

"And part of why I was able to get this place for an almost reasonable price," Megan said dryly.

Charlie looked out the window, his mind clearly somewhere else. "It looks nicely maintained," he commented. He shook his head and said. "Getting back on topic. Have you picked out your colors?"

Megan rubbed her chin and adopted a serious mien. "I was thinking of going pink," she said. "Starting with dusty rose for the main area."

Larry blinked and Charlie raised an eyebrow.

"And then magenta for the guest room," Megan continued, nodding to herself. "Plus pale petunia for the kitchen and maybe pearl pink for the bathroom."

Larry and Charlie exchanged panicky glances before returning their horrified gazes to Megan.

Megan affected to not notice their incredulous looks as she added, sober as a judge, "And I've decided to use Barbie wallpaper for the master bedroom."

She snuck a look at the two men and lost it.

Charlie also started laughing.

"Oh, dear," Larry said, clutching at his heart. "Don't scare me like that, Megan."

"Well, if those are the colors that what you want, Megan," Charlie chortled.

Megan wrinkled her nose at him. "Don't you dare hold me to that!" she said.

Larry raised his pale eyebrows. "Well, the rose pink main room sounds like it might be very … restful."

Megan and Charlie gaped at him, and then burst out laughing again.

"Maybe it would," Megan conceded. "But, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly the pinkish sort of girl."

"Pity," Larry murmured. "The color would look so fetching on you."

Charlie shrugged. "It's hard to imagine a color that would not look fetching on her," he declared.

Megan giggled. "Such flattery," she said.

Larry felt a surge of … annoyance… surely it was just annoyance… at Charlie's flippant attitude.

"It's only flattery if it isn't true," Charlie said with an airy wave of his hand.

Larry could have smacked him.

Megan laughed again and put her hands on her hips. "Seriously, I think just white for the main area," she said.

Charlie nodded. "Yes, the ever reliable Navajo White," he said gravely.

"Classic, clean and will look good with any furniture I choose," Megan agreed.

"You don't have furniture yet?" Larry asked.

"Well, I have some, but mostly it was rented," Megan said. "The rental company is picking it up on Monday morning. That'll make it easier for me to move."

"You need a place to stay?" Charlie said. "I've got a spare bedroom."

Larry wondered if Charlie realized how that invitation could be construed. Of course, Alan would be there as a chaperone, but somehow that thought didn't make Larry feel any better.

Megan smiled. "That's sweet of you to offer, but I'm getting my bedroom suite delivered tomorrow." She walked over to the door to the master bedroom. "I want Wedgwood blue in there," Megan said. "With white trim."

"Ah, reminiscent of classic Wedgwood cameos," Larry said. He rubbed his chin and nodded.

"Complete with classic profile," Charlie said. "Or is that a classic profiler?"

Megan chortled. "Charlie, we won't get anything done if you keep makin' me laugh!"

Charlie smiled.

"What about the secondary bedroom?" Larry said, feeling a trifle unsettled at their banter.

"Institution grey," Charlie proclaimed. He stepped back and held his fingers up in a square as if framing a picture. "You could cut out some of the non-load bearing wall, put in a nice one way mirror, get an eyeful of what your guests get up to…"

Megan shoved him, causing him to stumble. "I was thinkin' of lining the walls with chalkboards," she said.

"Oh, please don't encourage him," Larry moaned, hands over his face.

Megan grinned.

"Ah, but chalkboards are so passé," Charlie complained, flapping his hand. "You want whiteboards."

"Navajo whiteboards?" Larry forced himself to throw a joke in. He was rewarded by a laugh from the other two.

"No, thanks, I've already had the place fumigated," Megan said with a smirk. "Besides, I could lose my job if I got caught sniffin' that kind of stuff."

Charlie raised his eyebrows and gestured toward himself. "Are you suggesting that we get high…?"

"I've always suspected Charles of having an addiction to the dry erase fumes," Larry said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

Charlie pouted at him. "I do not. I can give them up any time!" he insisted.

Megan grinned. "Anyway, I was thinkin' of something neutral for the spare bedroom," she said. "Since I'm mostly going to be using it for an office." She eyed Charlie narrowly. "But definitely not grey."

Charlie smirked.

"Pale blue or pale green for the bathroom," Megan continued.

Charlie and Larry nodded.

"I was thinkin' of wallpaper for the kitchen, though," Megan said. "Something, well, maybe a little on the girly side, like a floral pattern."

Larry and Charlie exchanged looks and then they pinned Megan with severe gazes.

"What?" Megan asked.

"Megan, my dear, wallpaper is an infernal invention created solely for the torment of good Christian souls," Larry proclaimed, holding his hands up to the heavens.

Charlie crossed his arms and quirked an eyebrow at his mentor.

"Judeo-Christian souls," Larry amended hastily. "Not to mention the good souls of every other religion." He gestured broadly to indicate all other religions.

"Oh," Megan said.

"Wallpaper actually began in ancient China, where they glued rice paper onto their walls as early as 200 B.C.," Larry waved his forefinger at her as he lectured. "In the eighth century AD, several Chinese papermakers, who were enslaved by Arabs, passed the idea to their captors. No doubt as a form of passive-aggressive revenge."

Megan laughed. "And the Arabs started spreading it?" she said.

Larry nodded seriously. "Like an insidious plague," he said. "Although, the height of the wallpaper craze was during the Victorian era, as they were apparently afraid of blank space."

"Ah, the history of the world, according to Fleinhardt," Charlie said, smiling broadly.

Larry shrugged. "Do not laugh at the bull who has been more than five minutes in the arena, my friend," he shook his finger at Charlie now. "I spent an entire summer of my youth hanging and removing wallpaper. Believe me; it inspired me to buckle down to my studies like no lecture from my parents ever did!"

"C'mon, let's measure the rooms before we go," Charlie said. He looked around. "And put up the masking tape."

"So eager to get to work," Megan smiled.

"Besides, Charles wants to use his new laser measuring device," Larry smirked. He pointed his forefinger like a gun.

Charlie grinned. The three of them moved from room to room measuring and putting up tape.