Radio Silence

by: skyz

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em so don't sue.

A/N: Set pre-series and in the year Serena was gone. This is Serena/Blair inspired. Enjoy.

Serena's eyes were caught by the black leather Kate Spade purse that would make a perfect birthday gift. She paused and her hand lifted to inspect it closer when she realized what she was doing. With a quick shake of her head Serena van der Woodsen turned away from the display of purses and quickly moved away. She wasn't even sure what she was doing here. She didn't need a new purse, or a new dress, or even new earrings.

Maybe it was a habit because normally this time of year she was always out shopping and preparing for Blair's birthday party. It seemed now everything she saw reminded her of Blair and coming here hadn't helped. She had seen so many things that Blair would have wanted and expected to get from her.

That was the thing with Blair, Serena mused as she made a hasty exit out of the store, she didn't just want things, Blair expected things as her due. Most of the time Serena was happy to go along with that because if anyone deserved everything it was Blair. From an outsiders view Blair had it all but Serena had seen a side no one else ever saw. Had seen the way Blair's mother, Eleanor and to an extent Blair's dad treated Blair. So she tried very hard to make Blair happy because she deserved to be.

It was never a hardship to make Blair happy.

That didn't mean that it didn't get tiresome and while Serena loved Blair she sometimes felt stifled wanting to run and flee. Rigid control ruled Blair and Serena had grown weary of it. Wanting nothing more than to bundle Blair up and escape to the other side of the world. To that island Blair was always going on and on about owning, just the two of them. Where no one would be there to judge or belittle Blair and maybe just maybe Blair would finally realize her worth was what she made it no matter what anyone said.

Sliding on her Cartier sunglasses Serena stepped out into the Los Angeles sunshine and grimaced slightly at the crowded sidewalks of Rodeo Drive.

She tried to turn her mind away from Blair and everything from New York. She was out of school for the week thanks to a note from her mother.

Serena couldn't help the smile that formed on her lips. It was a good thing she'd learned her mother's handwriting. As Blair was fond of saying it wouldn't do any good to have just the signature when the rest looked like ineligible scribbling. So thanks to that note and her mother being unreachable in Spain for the foreseeable future she was free to do as she pleased.

She pulled out her cell phone and scanned her contact list. When she spotted an appropriate name she dialed.

"Hey, Frankie it's Serena. I'm in town. Care to entertain me?"

Grinning at the expected response Serena allowed herself to relax a little.

"I'm at the house in Malibu."

-----

They'd started the party at Frankie's place in the hills and were moving it downtown to the clubs. Serena found herself in the back seat of Frankie Horowitz's Cayenne surrounded by his friends, made up of some famous actor's kid with the unfortunate name of Seesaw and a trio of movie producers kids whose names she couldn't be bothered to know. High on life and on a few lines of coke they laughed and cheered as Frankie's car swerved in and out of traffic with the music blasting.

As soon as they entered Les Deux Serena made her way to the dance floor. Drowning in the throbbing beat of music swirling around the dark club. She joined the crowd of gyrating writhing bodies throwing back her head and plastering her body against some random boy.

She allowed herself to be swept up into it all grinning at the guy who stepped up to her grabbing her hips and grinding against her.

An hour later she sat nursing a drink seated at a booth in the VIP area with Boyd who claimed to be a movie producer and that he was currently working with Johnny Deep on his latest movie. He was full of shit and Serena had laughed when she'd heard this. He was nice looking though with a strong jaw, pretty blue eyes, and a nice wide mouth she wouldn't mind sampling.

Too bad about his name though, Boyd was so bland.

"Hey Brent," she said leaning in closer to him. "Get me another drink," she told him letting her lips brush against his ear.

"It's Boyd. My name that is," Boyd said with a grin even as he clambered to his feet. "Vodka tonic?"

"Sounds great Brent," Serena nodded raising her half empty glass aloft. She took a healthy gulp and grinning turned back to watching the dance floor below.

She couldn't keep track of all the celebrities she'd spotted in the crowd and had been storing what all the ladies were wearing in the back of her mind. Blair would want to know what everyone was wearing and how they looked. If only so they could laugh and mock to their hearts content.

Serena found herself smiling as she thought of what Blair would say if she knew she'd skipped out on school to party in L.A.

Blair hated L.A. and she hated Frankie "the shit" as Blair referred to him, even more. There was no way she would have come with Serena tonight if she'd been here. Actually Blair probably would have made Serena stay home with her for an Audrey Hepburn marathon. Where Blair would twist everything to bring it back to her and Nate and how fucking happy they'd be for the rest of their lives. Once Yale was over with and they bought a townhouse and had their two kids with their labradoodle and died still fabulously in love with each other.

It sounded so disgustingly domesticated and boring to Serena. It sounded like a gilded prison that had been spoon fed to Blair since she was a little girl. Blair would blithely walk willingly into that prison and blissfully lock the door behind her. Why couldn't Blair see that there was more to life than that? More to life than Nate?

"You whoring it up already, S?"

Serena jerked startled at the voice turning slowly to face an unpleasant sight.

"What are you doing here?" she asked with a scowl while downing the rest of her drink. She felt a pleasant warmth settle into the pit of her stomach and wished Brent would hurry the fuck up with her drink because she needed another like right now.

Chuck Bass grinned down at her as he settled down next to her.

"Question is what are you doing here? Last I heard you were living dangerously away at boarding school. So...how have you been Serena?"

Serena shifted so that there was a bit more space between the two of them and glanced around for a moment before she finally allowed herself to look at Chuck. She took in his spiky hair and eyeliner then settled on the dog collar wrapped around his throat. He seemed to be going through another phase, she mused. Two months was a long time but it seemed not much had changed where Chuck was concerned.

She smiled slyly back at him.

"How does it look like I'm doing, Chuck? Same as you're doing I imagine."

"True enough. I won't bother asking boring questions like why you're here and not in New York or hell even why you disappeared like you did. I don't care. Though I think Blair might considering..."

Chuck gazed at Serena his face deceptively blank as he let that hang between them.

"Blair?" Serena echoed taking the bait because where Blair was concerned she just couldn't help it.

"Blair's being Blair about it. Picking up where you left off. Doing better actually than you. She's got it all in an iron fist at Constance and she doesn't seem to miss you. You got lucky there, right? Because if she did then well we both know--"

"I don't care what you think," Serena interrupted abruptly and got to her feet teetering a little. She reached out a steadying hand to the back of the booth. "Look this has been as unpleasant as usual so why don't we just--"

"Don't you want to know how Nate is?" Chuck asked in mock concern as he rose to his feet as well. "You all were the three musketeers after all. Sad to say I'm a sorry replacement for you. Nate pouts and Blair scowls and they're still fighting."

He was giving her a look she knew all too well. It made her stomach twist and her heart pound heavily. He couldn't know anything at all. Nate would never have told him a thing because once Chuck Bass knew a secret it never stayed that way for long. She slid her fingers through her hair and managed a wan smile.

"Well I'm not their keeper, am I?"

Brent appeared suddenly with drinks in his hands and a glare for Chuck.

"Hey... what's going on?" Brent asked as he handed Serena her drink.

Chuck sat back down and sneered.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing going on here, buddy. Perfectly innocent. Right, S?" Chuck drawled out in a voice soaked in disdain as his eyes swept up and down Brent.

"Let's dance Brent," Serena interrupted before he could speak as she hurriedly drank down her drink.

A pleasant numbness descended and feeling the restless urge to move she placed her drink back on her table and grabbed Brent's arm. She began to drag him towards the stairs.

"I'll give Blair your love," Chuck called after her with a laugh and Serena gave him the finger over her shoulder.

"Ex?" Brent asked.

"Asshole," Serena muttered in reply. "You wanna go somewhere?" she asked scanning the crowd. She wanted another drink and maybe even something stronger. If Chuck was here then she no longer wanted to be here.

Serena could feel Brent's gaze on her as she caught sight of a petite brunette with pale skin and ruby red lips. Their eyes locked and Serena felt her whole body tense. She trailed her eyes lazily over the black baby doll dress that offered a nice view of the brunette's legs, lingered on the swell of breasts that weren't too exaggerated or too small, and finally let her eyes meet the brunette's again.

"I think it's your lucky night, Brent," Serena murmured as she began to cut across the crowd towards the girl. "It's going to be double the pleasure."

-----

Serena woke with a familiar headache and a mouth that felt like sandpaper. She grunted slightly as she sat up a little only then noticing the arm flung across her stomach. She followed the pale arm up to an equally pale shoulder and found wild brown hair splayed all over the pillow next to her's. She glanced around wondering what the hell had happened last night even as she trailed a finger down the arm across her stomach.

She found herself leaning down watching her finger trace across skin.

"Blair..." she whispered leaning even closer. "Blair what'd we do? My head's just--" Serena broke off sucking in a deep breath as the girl beside her shifted and the hair fell away to reveal a face that was most definitely not Blair Waldorf's.

Serena glanced around the hotel suite again trying to pick out something familiar so she'd know where she was. Serena sighed tossing the arm off her and getting out of bed as she recognized the color scheme. She was in one of the executive suites at Le Montrose and there was also a guy on the other side of the brunette.

Feeling nauseous and aching in places she'd rather not think about she went about gathering her scattered clothing. She needed to take a shower but couldn't stand to stay a minute longer than necessary. She found a thong that wasn't hers and a sweaty smelling dress shirt that she tossed aside. She found her Prada boots and her True Religion jeans and finally found her shirt all the way in the doorway of the bathroom. She dressed quickly and quietly casting glances over at the two in bed hoping they didn't wake up before she left.

She found her red Kooba tote and quickly re-applied her makeup and her lipstick before she headed for the door. She let herself out and gently closed the door behind her. Taking the elevator down to the lobby she made a quick stop at the check in desk to make sure the room was paid for and had her car brought around.

-----

The thought of partying for the rest of the week held little appeal so Serena spent the rest of the day sequestered in the beach house nursing her hangover and trying not to think about how she'd woken up in bed with another girl.

If Chuck was in town and she went out she'd inevitably run into him again and she didn't need his shit. He wouldn't let her be until he'd gotten every little secret she held out of her and right now she felt like she just might tell him to get it all off her chest.

The next morning she resolutely boarded a flight back to New York and caught a train back to Connecticut.

Why had she thought that girl had been Blair? And why had her first instinct been to lean down for a kiss? Admittedly she and Blair were rather tactile in their friendship and touched each other quite a bit but there had never been a hint of more, right?

There was that kiss in Chuck's hot tub but that didn't count because they'd been drunk and Blair hadn't mentioned it so Serena hadn't either. Besides Blair had Nate and Serena more than knew that she liked the male persuasion, never mind the woman she'd woken up to. Serena knew enough about herself to know that this was just some sort of phase that would fade as they usually did.

Because obviously this was a symptom of missing Blair and nothing else. She and Blair had hardly ever been apart for longer than a few months and never without contact of some sort. This had to be because she hadn't seen or spoken to Blair in ages and she was lonely and feeling guilty.

She couldn't understand why she felt more tangled and tethered to Blair thousands of miles away than when she'd been right beside her. Her hand shook as she reached for a bottle of water and took a careful sip.

Except...

She swept her hair out of her face and closed her eyes.

Blair didn't have Nate because Serena knew Nate held some sort of torch for her and leaving so unexpectedly wouldn't help matters. And if Blair knew about that then--

Blair's voice rang startling loud and clear in her mind. One of her fantasies about Nate and their first time coming to mind. The candles, roses, and the nice big bed with silk sheets and the bucket of champagne on the nightstand. It was all so romantic.

Blair had been obliviously happy describing what she wanted and how she wanted it. Serena had only meant to help when she'd pointed out that the silk would be ruined and too smooth a surface for someone's first time. They'd only end up slipping and sliding out of the bed before the deed was done. Blair's petulant scowl had made Serena want to smile.

A part of her had wanted to ruin that image Blair had painted inside her mind.

Serena blinked and choked on the gulp of water she'd swallowed as the memory faded.

"No," she muttered as she coughed. "No..."

She let her head fall back against the seat and closed her eyes.

It couldn't be that, she thought dimly. Nate was gorgeous and attractive and any woman would want him. Serena knew this to be a fact. Blair wanted him. Had always wanted him and from the age of seven had been planning their future together.

Serena had never been fond of that. Never liked hearing BlairandNate's future spelled out like it was cemented in stone. Nothing was ever guaranteed and Blair deserved better.

Blair deserved the world and Nate would never be able to give her that.

Pot, water polo, Dartmouth, and a steady blank gaze was what Nate had to offer.

Maybe she'd known, Serena thought suddenly, on some level that this was a long time coming.

She'd been pleasantly tipsy that night at the wedding but not too far gone that she hadn't known what she was doing with Nate.

At the time she just hadn't cared.

But in the back of her mind she must have known that Blair would never actually go through with anything with Nate not when Serena had touched him first. Blair would never be able to get that image out of her head no matter how much Nate might plead. Hell knowing Nate as she did she figured he wouldn't put up much of a fight, probably not even a whimper.

Fear held Serena still a moment at the thought of Blair finding out and she wondered if Nate had told Blair already. Then she realized if he had then there was no way Serena wouldn't know about it. Blair would have come up to Connecticut to dish out her punishment in person. And Chuck would have used that against her last night if it were common knowledge.

Maybe Blair would never know.

Certainly she would never know that Serena had maybe done it on purpose on some subconscious level. Never know that maybe sort of, kind of, Serena might have some sort of--

She cut that thought off sharply.

It was ridiculous to even think really. She couldn't actually be in love with Blair because really that would be too much of a cliché. Girl secretly in love with her best friend only to realize at the last moment and blah, blah, blah, until they rode off into the sunset together happily everfuckingafter.

Yeah maybe Blair never had to find out about it because it had been a huge mistake and she regretted it to the bottom of her soul.

Serena could picture Blair's wide brown eyes filled with rage but worst of all disappointment. See the shutter that Blair used at any hint of oncoming pain slide over her features. Could even picture what Blair would most likely say and the way her mouth would curl up in contempt.

She could call Blair right now.

Serena opened her eyes and fumbled for her purse. Yes, she could call Blair right now, and then just go on like normal. They could talk like they used to and it would be enough. She could get out of seeing Blair for the most part since she was in Connecticut and she would easily be able to dissuade Blair from coming to visit her.

Serena would at least have a little contact with Blair and that's what she needed. Because without it she was thinking crazy and over analyzing things that weren't there.

Her finger hovered over speed dial one.

She could do this. All she had to do was say hello and it would be like nothing had changed. Blair wouldn't be mad that she'd disappeared without a word and hadn't spoken to her in over two months. Blair would just be glad Serena was calling. She could talk her way out of any anger Blair might display.

Serena couldn't get the picture of Blair's eyes out of her mind. The betrayal she knew Blair would feel made her swallow hard and close her phone slowly.

Blair would know. Somehow and someway she would know and Serena wouldn't be able to lie to her and then their friendship would be over. Because Blair wouldn't be able to handle it and Serena couldn't offer a coherent explanation beyond drunkenness that didn't sound blasé.

And if Blair found out about Nate then she'd dig and dig until she found out about these thoughts Serena couldn't seem to stop and God knew Blair would use it against her. And Serena would let her.

She loved Blair and it wasn't light and kind or fluffy like in a fairytale. It went deep and turned dark and twisted into some kind of destructive force. She wanted Blair to have it all and damn the world. She wanted everything, her presence stamped all over Blair, she wanted it to be the two of them forever. She didn't care who might get hurt in the process and knew that she could probably get Blair to feel the same way. But would it be of her own free will or would Blair do it only because she was Serena and she always got what she wanted?

It was better to not even contemplate that because it wasn't going to happen.

She wasn't going to call Blair.

She wasn't going to talk to Blair.

She wasn't going to see Blair.

She wasn't going to destroy Blair with her love or whatever it was that was currently roiling inside of her.

She wasn't going to be this person anymore.

She couldn't be this person because it was twisting her and driving her to do things she shouldn't. She didn't want to break Blair's heart just because she could. Didn't want to do anything else to make herself live with such guilt and shame.

Just because she loved Blair didn't mean she had to break her any further. Better to let Blair live in peace and some way they'd both be able to move on from this, alone.

Opening her phone again Serena scrolled through her phone book and began to delete one by one Blair's many numbers from her phone.

It was a start.