Well, here we go then - another quick romp with my dear Mary Sue, Jessica. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter - I hope you enjoy this one as much! As a Mary Sue Parody (TM?), it's really only fair that I go on and on and on and on and on and on with this story to the point where I've bored every reader rigid. Isn't that what Mary Sues do in - um - "Real Life"?
Anyway, particular thanks go out to Saynt Jimmy and Lost in Colour, who are, I think, my most loyal reviewers every, having slogged through pretty much everything I've ever written, and loyally reviewed it all. Saynt Jimmy gets points, kudos and affection for having been there all the way through, for which a huge vote of thanks, and Lost in Colour amazed me by even reading my TMNT fanfiction, which, I know, takes nothing short of an iron will to get through.
Also, dedicated as always to Von who has no internet connection - I think - at the moment, but who has looked through this, and always helps me with my chapters. God knows I need it!
DISCLAIMER: Why, yes, of course Anthony Horowitz wants to mangle his own work like this. Why do you ask?
The first sight they had of the SAS camp at the Brecon Beacons was highly misleading; as the car crested one of Wales' many hills, Alex caught sight of the attractive little farm house, just in the lee of one of the hills surrounding the main camp. Alex assumed they were there to be kitted up with the requisite clothes and equipment, as he had been last time, and reluctantly – very, very reluctantly – leant across to wake Jessica Lumley-Whatsit.
She woke with a breathy little moan, fluttering her eyelashes up at him, and Alex had the sneaking suspicion she'd been awake for at least a few minutes already, just for the opportunity to do – that.
"We're here." He said, lunging back to his side of the back seat when she went to touch his face.
Thwarted, Lumley-Whatsit turned to look out of the window, hiding her pout. "Oh, how sweet!" she cooed, rather hoarsely – presumably, her throat was still a little gummed up, from being asleep for nearly three hours with her mouth open. Apparently, Jessica Lumley-Whatsit was many things, but an elegant sleeper she was not. Clearing her throat, she tried again. "Oh, how sweet! Is this the hotel we're staying at?"
Alex stared at her in frank shock. "Hotel?"
She turned wide, blank eyes on him. "Yes?"
He blinked a couple of times. "Um. Right. Hotel. Ye-e-es… hotel. Of course it is."
She nodded, smugly, and turned back to the view. "I thought so. I'm so rarely wrong, you see."
The driver and Alex exchanged a long, despairing look.
They arrived at the manor house a few minutes later, and Jessica bounded out, no doubt expecting to head for 'reception', while Alex slid out the car with marked reluctance. The driver, pulling a nondescript black bag out of the boot of the car, said, in a low voice,
"Good luck, mate." He handed him the bag. "That's for you; from Smithers. He said to tell you, that if things get too much, you should find a solution in here."
Alex looked down at the bag, then up again at the driver. "Wow. Smithers finally gave me drugs?"
Jessica pouted her way through the ordeal that was being fitted with her new 'clothes' – horrid, sack-like things, she thought, mutinously, just designed to make her look hideous, and in front of that fit Rider boy, too; though, he didn't seem to keen to fall into her arms… Jessica simply couldn't understand it.
There was only one way to deal with it. She would simply have to dazzle him with her prowess and skill in their training; remain aloof and cool, make him want to chase her. Boys liked the thrill of the chase, Jessica knew, and she would make him fall in love with her through her elite skills, and sparkling dry wit, make him gnash his teeth that he couldn't have her, before she finally relented and let him have his wicked way with her.
Jessica was a little vague as to what 'having his wicked way with her' would actually entail, but she'd never let a little thing like ignorance get in the way of her goals, and she certainly wasn't about to start letting it at this stage. It wasn't like she couldn't do it; after all, she was a black belt in Tai Chi. There was nothing she couldn't handle.
She sighed, rapturously, at her little dream of the perfect boyfriend to go with her perfect looks and razor sharp mind, and was therefore shocked when a pair of thick, black leather boots flew into her stomach; she doubled over them, unwittingly clutching them to her, with a rather ungraceful 'oof!' Someone, somewhere in this horrid room, laughed, and, mentally, Jessica promised them a swift revenge. They would never stand up to the awesome power of her origami!
With dignity, she stood up, plastered her sweetest smile onto her face, and said, sweetly, "I forgive all of you."
With that sweet parting line, she swept from the room, unaware of the ridiculous sight she made, in full combat gear, with 'high-powered, professional' heels on, clutching a pair of combat boots.
There was a long, stunned silence, until someone broke it.
"Now, lads, that is why they don't let women into the SAS."
Alex had been waiting for Jessica for nearly five minutes, when he heard a vaguely familiar voice, raised and annoyed, from behind him.
"Look, why me? It's not like I'm any good with kids! And it's worse when they're girls! I wouldn't know what to do with a girl!"
"That's something you should take up with your girlfriend, Lieutenant, not me." Another voice replied, crisply. "All I'm asking you to do is train and look after these kids OK? They'll be gone soon. You never know – one of them might even be competent."
"I doubt it." The familiar voice muttered. Alex was starting to get a really bad feeling about 'the familiar voice'. It was just a little too familiar for comfort.
"Lieutenant, are you a member of the SAS, or a whiny little girl?" the other voice returned, sharply. "Deal with it and grow up."
The owner of the familiar voice stomped past Alex, where he stood waiting for Jessica, barely even sparing him a glance – then he stopped in his tracks, turned, stomped back, and stared at him.
"Hang on." He said, very slowly. "Don't I know you?"
Alex stared back at him for a long moment, then nodded, dumbly. "Um – yes."
"…Cub?"
Alex nodded again."
"Oh, holy shit." Wolf said, and groaned. "You as well?"
"Hey!" Alex said, offended, "It could be a lot worse!" Then he remembered Jessica. "Scrap that, it is a lot worse."
"Oh, god." Wolf half-moaned. Pausing, and visibly bringing himself under control, he said, in a voice which was almost calm, "So – what the hell are you doing here? I mean, I thought you'd done this?"
Alex shrugged. "I – really don't know why I'm here." He said, slowly. "I think I'm just here to make sure that I – get to know this girl. And, maybe, keep an eye on her?" he paused, and ruthlessly suppressed the grin which was trying to sneak onto his face. "Then again, now that she's under your tender care…"
"Keep talking like that, and you'll be running the assault course for the rest of your life, Cub." Wolf growled, and Alex grinned.
"See? You've got this 'in control' thing down. Though – it may not work on Her."
Wolf looked around, carefully scanning their surroundings for any listeners, and took a step forward, his entire bearing radiating 'furtive'. "What's this girl like? I mean, is she – alright?"
"In what sense?" Alex hedged, cautiously. "I mean, are we talking 'alright' as in 'sane', or 'alright' as in 'a bit of alright'?"
Wolf stepped back, a look of repulsion on his face. "Jesus Christ, Cub, she's fourteen! I don't want to know what she's like – that way!" he moaned again. "Eurgh, I think I need to scrub my mind out…"
Alex smiled, unrepentant and sweet; Jessica could have taken lessons. "Oh. Sorry."
"So? What's she like – personality wise?" Wolf asked, stressing the qualifier.
"She's…" Alex paused. "Difficult."
"Difficult?" Wolf returned, nervously. "In what way, difficult?"
Alex shrugged, and nodded at the entrance to the building. "You'll find out."
"Oh, thanks a lot, Cub, thanks a whole damn bunch." Wolf hissed, venomously, turning slowly to face the manor house. "'Difficult'. Yeah, thanks for that, forewarned is fore-fucking-armed, and all that… 'You'll find out'…honestly, trying to get information out of you spec-ops lot is like trying to get blood out of a – sweet Jesus…"
That last was uttered in soft, reverently terrified tones, when Wolf finally spotted Jessica Lumley-Whatsit, stood in the doorway.
She looked – it had to be said – utterly ridiculous. Her hair and make up were still fit for a night out in London, but her clothes had been changed, and in the combat gear – none of which came in the right size for a fourteen year old girl – hung on her, awkward and sack-like; the overall effect was actually faintly grotesque, especially when coupled with the high heels she was still wearing, and the combat boots she was still clutching, rather madly.
"Jessica." Alex choked out. "How – um…"
She gave him a tremulous little smile, the pout still firmly in place. "Oh, Alex… everyone here is so mean to me…"
Wolf, beside Alex, actually whimpered.
Alex was settled into one of barracks with the other enlisted men who were stationed at the camp for the moment – Jessica, because she was the only girl in the camp, was given a small room of her own, attached the HQ in the main camp.
Once Alex was settled in, he headed out to find Wolf, and see what they would be doing today, only to find Jessica already there.
"…So, have you been doing this long?"
Wolf shot the girl a look of unabashed hatred. "A while."
"So… you're good, then?"
"Yes."
"Why didn't you decide to be a spy? It's so much more romantic." Jessica said, sweetly.
"Strangely enough, romance isn't the thing which attracted me to my job." Wolf told her, sourly.
"Oh, but romance should be every human's main aim in life!" Jessica opined, sighing rapturously for the second time that day.
"Well, it's not mine." He caught sight of Alex, and a look of blissful relief spread across his face. "Cub! Thank god you're here!" he cleared his throat. "I mean, um… it's nice of you to turn up, finally."
"Did you get lost, Alex?" Jessica asked him, kindly, seizing the chance to implement her plan of staying 'aloof' from him while simultaneously dazzling him with her skills and savvy. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll soon be able to find your way around as easily as I can."
Alex gritted his teeth, and offered her a tight smile. "Oh, if only I could be that lucky."
"I'm sure you will be. One day." She told him, blithely unaware of the sarcasm.
Wolf cleared his throat, fighting down a smile. Jessica's comments were hilarious – so long as they weren't aimed at you. "Right. Everyone here has codenames. I'm called Wolf-"
"What's your real name?" Jessica asked. Sweetly.
"I'm not telling you that – it's classified."
"But, you know my name." she pointed out.
"That's because you brayed it at me the moment you met me." Wolf muttered.
"Sorry?"
"I said, that's because you told me it. You didn't have to. I'm not allowed to tell you my name, so I'm not going to."
She took a step towards him, swaying her hips as much as she could – it nearly overbalanced her, but it was a noble attempt, all the same – and attempted a seductive look through eyelashes gone spidery and spiky from too much mascara. "Couldn't you make an exception for me?"
Wolf looked at her. "No."
Alex jumped in, quickly. "Anyway. What's Jessica's codename going to be?"
"Don't you need to worry about your codename, Alex?" Jessica asked, half sweet-poison, half genuine interest.
"I've already got one; I've been here before."
"And you still got lost?" Jessica asked, sweetly mocking. "My, you are unobservant, aren't you? No wonder you need me to keep you in line!"
Alex gave her a darkling look under his eyelashes, markedly more successful than Jessica's attempts to be seductive. "What's. Her. Codename?" he asked Wolf, slowly.
"Rat." Wolf said, straight-faced.
Jessica gave a little shriek. "No! I refuse to be called something so vulgar! Couldn't I have a decent codename – like, Kitten, or Fawn, or something?"
Wolf looked faintly repulsed. "Um. Kitten? Really?"
"Yes!"
Wolf pretended to think about it for an entire minute, before shaking his head. "Sorry, no can do. Right, your codename is Piglet-" Alex stared at him, one eyebrow raised. "What? It was the only baby-animal name we could come up with that wasn't sickeningly sweet. Like, y'know – Kitten."
"I'm sorry, how many of you did it take to come up with that name?" Alex asked, carefully.
Wolf thought about it for a second. "Oh, I don't know – two units and a half, so… about ten of us."
"Well, you know the joke about how many SAS men does it take to change a light-bulb…" Alex muttered.
"Sorry, what was that?" Wolf asked, his tone faintly dangerous.
"Well, I was just wondering…" Alex began, innocently, "Whether you got your inspiration for her codename from Winnie the Pooh?"
Wolf paused, colouring slightly. "Well, I suppose it's possible… if I ever y'know, read Winnie the Pooh, that is…"
Alex grinned. "You love it, don't you? Bet you took a copy to Iraq with you, right? And read it whenever things got scary…"
"I have nieces and nephews!" Wolf returned, hotly. "I read them bedtime stories, OK?"
"Aw, and do they wuv their unc'e Wolfie?" Alex teased back. Wolf lunged for him and had him in a headlock before Alex could get out of the way, and was just in the process of trying to twist the boy's head off his neck, when Jessica piped up.
"What's wrong with Winnie the Pooh?" she asked, her voice sickly with sweet innocence. "I still read him. Such sweet, girlish books. It shows – such innocence of spirit, don't you think? Such a real tenderness for the world around you."
Wolf and Alex both stilled, staring at her in frank shock. "And you wonder why we don't read it?" Wolf asked, without letting go of Alex's neck, but giving the boy enough room to nod his agreement.
Jessica looked at them blankly, and was about to reply, when a loud voice interrupted her. She huffed something about 'abominable rudeness', but Wolf and Alex heaved sighs of relief, practically in tandem, before springing apart.
"Lieutenant, I suggest you let that boy go now unless you really want to be done for the assault and abuse of a minor!"
Alex turned, and found himself face to face with that same sergeant he'd met last time, who gave him a frankly unpleasant smile, before turning to Jessica.
"Cub – Piglet," Alex had never heard anyone cram so much distaste into one word, "You're running the assault course." The unpleasant grin was back. "Wolf, you're going to help them." He paused. "Remember – you go over as a team. I'll be watching."
Alex stared at him, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, as Jessica cooed, behind him,
"An assault course? How adorable!"
He glanced at Wolf, who was sporting an identical hang-dog expression to his own. "Kill me now."
(grins)
Hope you enjoyed!
Lol, ami xxx