Disclaimer: The UGP (Unofficial Grammar Police) is owned and operated by its members. Any attempts to copy/steal/snatch/grab anything to do with the UGP will be met with violence and the gnashing of teeth. Attempts to copy/steal/snatch/grab anything to do with the UGP is forbidden, unless permission is granted by the members in written form.

The UGP does not own any of the shows, books and examples of fan fiction herein expressed, unless noted.

The Unofficial Guide to Fan Fiction

Contents:

Introduction

The Title

The Summary

The Actual Story

Leaving a Review

Responding to a Review

Leaving a Review

First of all, if you read a story leave a review. If the story was good, or bad, or mediocre – leave a review! Even if the story made you feel nothing and you closed the window feeling strangely empty and unsatisfied - leave a goddamn review! Why? So you can tell the author! It doesn't have to be an essay. Here are a few helpful hints on how one should leave a review.

1) Don't write an essay. Don't include 3 pages of the story surrounded by a pair of insignificant quotation marks and inform the author that you "liked this part".

2) If you liked it, say why.

3) If you hated it, state the reason so the author doesn't repeat what has filled you with loathing and ire.

4) If you felt nothing, inform the author and spend some time staring blankly at your computer screen figuring out why.

5) If the author has made a mistake, spelling or otherwise, point it out to them. Provide an example, if need be, and suggest corrections or alternatives. Quoting a whole page is not providing an example; select particular words or phrases that you feel need to be directly addressed.

6) Attempt to use correct spelling and grammar in your review. If you don't, the author will assume you are a brainless twit and your suggestions/comments/critiques count for nothing, and should be burned out of shame and embarrassment.

7) If you flame someone, say why.

8) The best flames are not written in all upper case, do not include countless spelling mistakes and do not feature the hysterical, idiotic tantrums of a pre-pubescent nitwit.

The UGP would like to state that it has nothing against pre-pubescents. It only has a violent vendetta against pre-pubescents of the nitwit variety.

Sally Stupid is a pre-pubescent nitwit. She read Fiona Fan's story, "the adventirures of the inuganng" and really liked it. Here is her review:

"OMG i luv ur story ur the best WRITE MORE NOW plzthks"

Fiona Fan saw the review and wet her pants in excitement, for the idiotic rambles of Sally Stupid had boosted her confidence and made her feel like writing the second chapter. The horror!

If you couldn't spot the errors in the above example, refer to the hints above. In fact, print them out and staple them to your face.

Now, let us consider why Sally Stupid's review was wrong.

Can't think of it? Are you stupefied at the complexity of this enigmatic enquiry?

You see, aside from the blatantly horrendous crimes which Sally has committed against the English language in the area of spelling and grammar, the author gains nothing from it, unless you are Fiona Fan, and become euphoric when an idiot commands you to write more this very second or die.

The purpose of the review is for the author to become aware of what he or she is doing right and doing wrong; what is engaging and interesting; what is an overused cliché that has been beaten to death a thousand times and wouldn't do any good as a pillow, and what is not.

Rita Reader read a story she liked and thought was very well written.

"Hi! I really liked your story! It was very well written and I enjoyed the descriptions. Your characterisation of Sesshoumaru is great! You describe his outward impassiveness and endurance in battle very well. By the way, you misspelled the word 'village' (near the end of the story)."

Sally Stupid decided one day to take out all of her angst and feelings of repression on an author. This is an example of a flame.

"OMG UR SO STUPIID! LIKE I CAN'T BELEIVE YOU EVEN THOUT PEEPS LIKE ME WOULD LIKE THIS! WHYARENT KAGOME AND INUYASHHHA IN LUV!? YOU SPELL EVRYTHING RONG! I DON'T LIKE YOU NOBODY DOES GET A LIFE!"

Needless to say, the author, who shall remain nameless, ignored her and continued in her ways, which were suffice to say, full of spelling errors.

Rita Reader decided to advise said author.

"Hi. Your plot is pretty good, but I didn't really enjoy reading your story because there were a lot of spelling mistakes. I think your story could be even better if you fixed them up. Do you have spell check? A good idea is to ask a friend to beta the story for you."

Thus, to fulfil the destiny of the review you need simply say why.

Responding to a Review

Responding to a review is a good way for an author to connect directly to their audience, and in the case of reviews, thank them (in the hope of more forthcoming).

In the case of flames and the wails and cries of nitwits, it is advisable not to respond. You will only cause them to rise up and continue their literary assault. However, if you can think of an incredibly witty retort to an idiot who has flamed you (check with those around you to gauge its level of wittiness), by all means, have a crack at him (or her).

Alex Author had received a review. This is how he replied in less than one minute.

"Hi! Thanks for reviewing my story! I'll try to make it less confusing and soon (in the next chapter or so) you'll understand everything! Thanks again."

Not that hard is it? Say thanks, write a sentence or two, say thanks. Responding to a review, like writing a review, doesn't take much out of your day.

In conclusion, this guide is highly unofficial and while you are under moral obligations to the English language, you are under no legal obligations to even remember this story. The UGP, however, would really like you to take these words to heart and put our kind, gentle hints into practise. There is a strong likelihood we will find you and offer some more helpful hints in a series of reviews that increase in emotion and threats, if you don't.

We hope you have found this Unofficial Guide to Fan Fiction helpful.

As always, we remain,

The UGP (Unofficial Grammar Police)

(Fiona Fan, Rita Reader, Sally Stupid, Alex Author and all examples contained in this chapter are the property of the UGP, and cannot be used without permission.)