Title: Therapy

Author:retrograde/Amelius (on Bones

Pairing: UST B/B

Disclaimer: Bones belongs to its writers/producers/tv network etc. Not me.

Rating: um, teen? Conversations about sex involved.

Spoilers: minor, but through to 3x05

Summary: Booth and Brennan have another session with Dr. Sweets. It could have gone better.

Notes: I might have to do a follow-up story because this is so not even close to what I intended to write. It just…took over, somehow. I'm not particularly comfortable with it – humor is certainly not my forte, nor is dialogue – so let me know what you think.

Therapy

There was astonished, disbelieving silence. Dr. Sweets shifted nervously as his two patients stared at him in open mouthed disbelief. He didn't know exactly what they were thinking, but he was pretty sure it wasn't going to end well… for him.

"Unresolved….what?" Agent Booth managed to say, eyes boring into the increasingly uneasy psychologist.

"Sexual tension. Unresolved sexual tension." Dr. Sweets managed to squeak. He cleared his throat. "That is to say that you…."

"We understand the technical definition of the phrase," Dr. Brennan interrupted, looking at him as if he were a particularly uncooperative fossil. "But your application is patently false. Even though neither Booth nor I are currently involved in a romantic or sexual relationship, the practice of onanism amongst adults is perfectly natural and more than capable of supplying the necessary endorphins to relieve sexual tension."

Dr. Sweets blinked, and opened his mouth. Then he closed it, blinked again, and realized he had absolutely no idea what to say to that. Dr. Brennan was proving to be something of a therapeutical challenge, in more ways than one.

"Ona-what?" Agent Booth asked, clearly missing the implication of his partner's retort.

"Masturbation, Booth." Dr. Brennan replied calmly.

Booth looked startled, then mortified. "Hey! Now hang on a minute…"

"It's perfectly natural, Booth," Bones interrupted. "Adults have biological needs which must be tended to even without the presence of a mate, and…"

"Whoa, ok, that's… Can we not talk about mating, please?" Booth asked imploringly.

"Why not?" Brennan challenged. "We're rational, mature people. The fact that you have hang-ups about sexual activity is a reflection of your religious upbringing, not the nature of the act itself."

"I do not have hang-ups about sex!" Booth sputtered indignantly. "I'll have you know I have a perfectly normal and healthy sex life. And don't start on the Catholic thing again," he added for good measure.

"I'm just saying that you were clearly uncomfortable during the investigation into Mr Ed…" Brennan pointed out.

"And you weren't?" Booth looked at her disbelievingly. "C'mon, Bones, you can't tell me that was normal."

"Actually, anthropologically speaking role play is quite common throughout the sexual activities of many societies." Brennan retorted.

Dr. Sweets cleared his throat before his patients throttled each other. "As I was saying, this bickering is clearly a manifestation of the unresolved sexual tension you feel toward each other," he clarified for Dr. Brennan's sake.

Silence. And then…

"You do know I carry a gun, right?" Agent Booth glared at him. "And I'm not afraid to use it."

"I carry a gun too!" Dr. Brennan put in. "And mine is bigger than his," she added for good measure.

Booth rolled his eyes. "Yeah, so big that you can't use it, Bones. Lot of help that's going to be."

"I can use it!" Brennan glared at her partner. "Possibly the grip is slightly too large to fit the proportions of my hands correctly, but that does not render the gun unusable!"

"Except that last time you used it, you shot me!" Booth retorted.

"That was an accident, Booth! And I apologized." Brennan huffed.

"Oh, so that makes it ok for you to be carrying a gun so big you can't even…"

Dr. Sweets sighed. It was going to be a very long session.