Paper Faces

Elliot sat next to Olivia in the hospital. They'd been taken to a corner of the ER where Olivia was told to sit on a high table in a paper robe. Their corner wasn't quite a room but it was sectioned off from other patients. After the nurse left them, they waited for the doctor. Phil Collins muzak played from the hospital radio and Olivia scrunched her eyes trying to make the bounding of her brain to turn off.

Elliot played with the plastic ear, nose, and throat chart and laughed.

"What's so funny," Olivia mumbled.

"Ah, nothing, this song. Every time I hear it, it reminds me of middle school and the roller skating rink."

Olivia, who had lay back onto the table, rolled her head to the side and gave him a scrunched expression.

He continued. "My mother forced my sisters to take me to the roller rink with them when they were in high school. It was her way of spying on them when she wasn't around. But I think I got more action then they ever did. I remember I met this girl there. My first kiss. We held hands for weeks and then one day we'd rounded the curve of the rink three times and she pulled me to the corner. We kissed to this song. My first kiss. " He chortled a bit and noticed Olivia was giving him a strange painful glare. "I must not have been good at it though, because that was the last time I saw her."

Olivia forced a parcial smile and placed her hands back over her eyes.

Elliot began tapping his foot to the predictable syncopation and sang along with the bad electronic muszak. "Take a look at me nooooow. There's just an empty space. There's nothing left here to remind me. Just the memory of your face. OH TAKE A LOOK AT ME-"

"ELLIOT!"

He snapped out of it and placed the innerds of plastic sinus cavities back onto the doctor's counter. "Sorry. How you doing?"

She lifted herself from the table and sighed before jumping from her spot.

"Crappy. I hate this," she said as she paced the floor.

Elliot quietly watched her from the chair. "I know. Hell, I'm surprised it was you're idea to come in the first place. Usually I have to wait until you're unconscious."

She gave him a short evil glare. "That's not funny."

"Sorry. Why don't you sit? You're making me nervous."

"I can't sit on that table. I hate the smell in here. I hate waiting. I hate that I have to wear this robe just so they can check my head. Really, what is the point of this robe?"

"Well, I like it," Elliot replied, trying an attempt at lighted hearted flirtation.

The fire erupting from her already feverish face gave him the impression that she wasn't amused.

"I'll shut up."

In one swift motion Olivia crossed her arms over the semi see-through gown and turned away to continue pacing. Elliot grabbed her arm. "Liv, calm down. Its just procedure."

"Procedure. What would you know about procedure? I'm so tired of that word!"

She leaned on the side of the table, arms still tightly crossed. The tip of her finger went straight to her lips where she toyed with the hangnail she'd created in the waiting room.

"Procedure. It's just another way to push the problem to the side until time has caused the rest of the world to forget about it. And then what do you do after it's been found again?!"

Elliot, who was doing his best to ignore her mood, concentrated on the diabetes poster in front of him, as he listened to her go on in irritation. Slowly he turned his focus to her anxiety trying to figure out why she was spazing out. "Liv, take a six count breath and sit…."

"I can't!"

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because?"

Her eyes flicked toward the hallway and she poked her head around the corner. "Because that doctor is going to come in here and I already know what he's going to say. So waiting here, is…pointless!"

His eyes were creating that skull-boring glare. Like he knew what she was thinking and he was disappoint that she couldn't' talk about it. She couldn't stand that glare in moments like this. "What?"

"What, What? I'm waiting."

"Welcome to my world."

"It must be hard."

Olivia shifted her eyes back at him in an angered rage. "If you're going to push my buttons, then just leave. You're making this worse."

"I'm merely waiting."

Again Olivia paced. Her foot landing with the rhythm of electronic beats and jazz horns.

"It must be really hard to keep that all bottled up inside," Elliot mused, waiting for her to cave. "Worse then just letting it all out in true colors."

Elliot loved to watch Olivia swim in the secrets she thought she hid so well. She was like a little girl trying to avoid the obvious. Every stubborn twitch was like an open book into her mind. She restlessly ignored his patience, but he leaned in and touched her hand. Slowly the wet nail, she'd been biting on limped into his palm and her eyes met with his.

"Liv, Lake told me what happened. It's okay to be upset about it."

"That's not why I'm upset," she whispered.

"Sweetheart you're not the only cop who's had feelings of doubt and suicide. Hell, why do you think I went back to Kathy that first time? I had to keep my gun at work for two weeks. I was afraid to take it home."

"Elliot, really, that has nothing to do with, this. And you never told me that."

His eyes flickered away from hers. He'd never told anyone he'd had those feelings before. "I know, but I should have. Would have made my life easier. It's not something I wanted to admit. Look at you, you've made yourself sick over it and you still won't talk to me."

Now it was her turn to look away. "Maybe."

"So?"

She looked at him. He was calm, understanding, pleasant even. It was the right time to say it. "So that's not what I need to talk about."

"Well, what then?"

Her lengthy pause was all he needed to know that she was holding onto more than a case.

"Liv, tell me."

"I...oh god, Elliot," she sighed heavily. The cage of her ribs collapsed into a hunch and the pacing triple stepped to a halt. "Elliot, I have a tumor."

Her thoughts slurred out of her mouth in a muffled fit of sounds as she wiped her eyes and turned her face away from his. He definitely wasn't ready for that kind of response. Standing up, he stood in silent shock and she continued. "My CT Scan after the accident showed that I…something's there."

The wrinkle between Elliot's eyes formed as he listened to her speak. She could feel him tighten in his shoes.

"They are pretty sure is benign…non-cancerous, but I've been avoiding it…the tests that is. I was supposed to go in for more tests after I recovered. I was supposed to schedule a surgery, but I couldn't. Everything happened all at once and I wanted to tell you, but I didn't. The doctors said it was probably not a big deal. That it would be a simple prodcee- surgery and I'd be as good as new…if it is indeed…benign."

She watched his eyes roll into an unfocused haze.

"Elliot?"

As if he were caught in his own world he mumbled the words from his mouth. "Brain surgery. You'd be having Brain Surgery."

"Yeah…it would a small surgery. Brain surgery. Small Brain…surgery. Not a big deal, though."

And then the focus came back. "Olivia, that's a huge deal!"

"It's not cancerous."

"It doesn't matter. When were you going to tell me this, before or after the doctor comes in here and scoops your brain out?! Were you ever going to tell me this?"

"I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be a burden to anyone and the headaches did stop. And of course, I was going to tell you. I just needed some time to work everything out. It's stress. There's to much stress."

"So..wha- what, I'm too much stress?"

"No," she pleaded. "I can't believe you're acting like this! Everything! Everything is too much! I needed a chance to take it all in."

The pause held them in an arms length silence, and Elliot shuffled his feet as he took it all in.

"Yeah." He ran his hand over the top of his head and shook the thoughts around through stutters and slight pacing. "You…you were going to postpone cancer. I…I.I don't-- Possible cancer! This is a big deal."

She held the side of her head and searched for words that were lost in the abyss that was her now muddled brain. "It's not cancer. And I didn't want to worry you. You had your own trouble with the kids and Kathy…it's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal, which is why I didn't tell you to begin with. Because it's not going to be a big deal!"

"You sound really assured of that! Even if it's not cancerous it can turn cancerous. Did you know that? Did you research this at all or have you ignored it all this time?"

"It's not. And yes, but...I didn't ignore it-"

"My sister died of brain cancer when she was twenty nine. I never told you that, but there it is, and it is a big deal." In a fit of offense and hurt Elliot stood up and started making his own pacing patterns around the small area as Olivia wept through the pain of both her head and her heart.

"Elliot, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It's okay, but you should have told me."

"I know. I should have taken care of it. I should have told you-"

"You're damn right you should have. What if something happened while I was gone? What if it's gotten worse? What if you were on a job and it caused you to lose a life? What if-"

"OH what if , WHAT IF! Elliot, stop it! I can handle this. You act like I haven't been takign care of myself. OH- my whole life. I'm a big girl, Elliot. I can handle a little brain surgery!"

The sounds of the hospital around them had gotten unusually quiet as the fight grew to loud volumes. A nurse and a guy in a wheel chair made their way past the curtains and starred as they rolled by.

"You're being selfish. I could lose you to something like this," Elliot roared in a breathy whisper. "And what about you? You want to do this alone? Would it be so terrible for you to let me help you every once in awhile? It's insulting!"

"Insulting? Let you help me?! I'll let you help me when you stop stepping on my toes all of the time. You need to allow me to fight my own battles. I couldn't refuse your help if I wanted to! You're always there!"

"And when I wasn't look what happened!"

Olivia's eyes grew as wide as the sea and she stepped around him in an unbalanced rage.

"WHAT!? What are you saying? What did Lake tell you? Did he say it was my fault? Because he was there too! "

"No, Liv, I'm just saying, you've seen how many suicides but this is the one that gets to you. Why is that? Did you miss something that you shouldn't have? Did you recently have the thoughts? Or are you ignoring this tumor because you want to die?"

"You asshole! Get out of here!"

He knew he was being hard on her and he couldn't believe how far he'd gone with that statement, but she was always so capable of handling things, and he was tired of watching her lie to herself.

"Liv, I don't mean to hurt you by saying these things."

"Yes, you do"

"No. I'm just upset. And I expected you to include me."

"OH- you're upset! According to you I'm sitting on my deathbed and you have the nerve to blame all of this and the death of a …a suicidal unbalanced FED….on me! Erica wanted to die because of her own problems! Problems that are nothing like MINE! Nobody could have stopped that."

"You're right. Nobody could have stopped it. So why are you still thinking about it?"

She violently wiped the tears away and took a step backwards. Elliot watched her thoughts. He knew if he could get her to say the words, she would see his reasons.

"Look, I'm sorry that I had to bring this up here, but it's not like you to keep secrets. You're avoiding the job, ignoring your health. I'm upset and I have a right to be. This isn't the dry cleaning it's …it's your life. You can't put that to the side. You know, here we are, Olivia. I'm here for you. I want to be your unconditional family. So let me! I'm throwing myself at you, and you're choosing to push me away…during the time when you need me the most. I feel like I'm one of the countless men I've seen you screw and dump. And I refuse to let you treat me like that."

"You make it sound like I was some kind of whore! I did not push every man away. Countless men! The nerve of you! You who've not only done every woman in the tri-state area, but flaunted it like James Bond sans the suit."

"Well, I had to, now didn't I?! Do you think I could have asked you out having only ever slept with one woman!"

Olivia blinked into a speechless jaw dropped stupor. "Wha-I-you. Don't try to play the saint card in the middle of this argument. Your numbers has nothing to do with it, you were married!"

"Ohhh, I- YOU are just…something else."

"And- hello- I have a tumor. I'm not pushing you away! Why are you arguing with me? Can't you see that I'm too miserable to argue! I don't need this right now. And this is really none of your business. It's my body and the importance of it is for me to decide."

Elliot was trying to be her stable, but she just loved to give him a challenge. " If this isn't important, then I don't what is! You're playing with fire! You could die or worse be immobile for the rest of you life. Do you realize that?"

"Stop! I know! I know that! Don't you think I know that!"

"If you know then why are you treating it like a manicure?"

Olivia scrunched her knees into her chest and held the sides of her aching head. "Ahhhh, pleeeeease, I'm not. I just….you're making this so difficult…I was in denial. Can't you just let me be in denial!?"

Her arms fell to her lap and she looked up in sullen defeat. He sat across from her. The small corner of hospital was now beginning to feel enormous. She could feel the tight strands of her insides twisting for him to understand. Softly as she took in his face she knew the only way for this to work was for her to let it all out. He was upset at her for not telling him. That's what it boiled down to and she could fight him or hate him for loving her so much. She continued, if not for him, for them.

"Elliot, I'm sorry. I don't know how to accept help. I don't know how to let you in. Okay! I'm out of my league with you…like this. Out of my role." She stopped and held his eyes, which were somewhere between forgiving and disappointed, then continued to gain momentum for what needed to be said.

"I…know what you want me to say and this is …so stupid. I don't know why I can't say this to you. Of all people to rely on, you should be the first person I fall to, right? You, of all people, owe me. And ah, I just…. You're right. I….need you and I should have told you the second I knew. So I'm telling you now. I need you. I do. I- need- you. I didn't want to be the needy woman, but here I am. I messed up. You can't fault me for wanting this, us, to be different…easy. God, all I wanted was for us to be the simple part of my life. Guess that's not our style."

She waited in the taciturn of the conversation. He was at a stand still. A silence. The pause was indicating an end, but Olivia hadn't owned up to her spotlight dance. Like a true gentleman, he waited for her to finish so that he could take the lead.

"I don't know what else to say….I'm a little rusty…off my footing. Please, say something." He turned his head and continued to torture her with silence. "This whole thing has me freaked out, so you being the grounded half would be a real plus as of pronto. Meaning, I've said it and I mean it. I need you and I'm admitting to it," she pleaded. Still nothing came from his side of the room. He hung his head waiting for his wallflower to bloom. Olivia wrung the base of her fingers together.

"So there," she threw out changing the tone into half assed banter and desperation. "You know that's gotta mean something, right? Because I would never openly admit that I needed a man unless I were in dire straights or helplessly in love with you, which I am, so will you please –look at me…Say something! Elliot, if you don't hold me already I'm gonna cry again and people will start to think we're one of those abusive couples."

Tears hypocritically rolled down her cheeks as she pretended they were making up and not breaking up. "And if people start to think we're one of those Berko couples, I'll have to make you angry by telling you that you weren't good enough, even though you were more than good enough, and I'll die alone right here in this awful paper robe, all because I was too stubborn and proud to admit that I am defected and in desperate need of your help. Then if that happens we'll have to admit that we were only meant to jump the shark, when really we were meant to beat the shark. They'll all say 'I told you so', and they'll snub their noses at our laughable attempt at making our personal lives entwine like a pair of teenagers, who believe in soul mates. I'll have to yell and point, and scream. I'll scream, Elliot. If you don't say something I'll scream at the throb in my head 'I have a tumor! I HAVE A TUMOR!' And the whole hospital will inevitably feel bad for me because of it, when really they should feel bad for you. Because really, I'm the problem! I'm the abnormal growth blocking the function of our oh-so-dysfunctional personal lives! ME! If I hadn't been such a hard ass you might have been able to ask me out years ago. You might have been able to hold your gaze longer than the confines of an interrogation and I might not have gotten jealous of all those other women that you kissed before me and during me and after me and then during me…again. And if I had any sense at all I would be begging you to forgive my senseless behavior, even though, I'm the one with a head splitting tumor and you're the one with easily mend able hurt feelings. So there! Again, I'll say it, SO THERE! I'm Sorry, Elliot! I'M SORRY!"

Olivia was screaming and blubbering through endless drops of tears.

Somewhere in the thick of the monologue Elliot had realized if he stayed silent she would get it all out and life would move on. Her crisis was also his. He stopped her from going any further and lifted her from the chair she'd weakly fumbled into. All of the times he'd thought that Olivia was in control of their relationship, he'd failed to realize that maybe, just maybe, it was the other way around. She'd become so aggressively dependent over the years. All these years he'd held her life at bay without even taking notice. He'd thought she was just being stubborn and insecure, but really she was proving herself to him. Trying to make him see. Her anger was a façade covering the delicate face that sat before him now. Without her mask she was lost or reborn…both. How do you solve a problem like Olivia? There in his arms was the first honest step he'd seen her take in her new form. He held her head to his shoulder and caressed her brown silky hair ever so gently.

Softly he whispered over and over again. "We're okay. We're okay. We're okay."

AN: Sorry about the lack of AN, but it's late and I'm exhausted. ZZZZZ.. But yeeeehaw I finished this chapter!!!!! I don't know about you all but that was exciting for me!