Author note: Ah, haven't written any slash for a while, so here's a little ficlet with a twist for you all to chew on. Seemed far more plausible than a lot of RD slashiness about (including my own), and is set sometime between Legion and Stoke Me A Clipper. This contains no notable spoilers, but was vaguely inspired by Dimension Jump. Let me know what you think folks. :D

Oh, and disclaimer: As long as I can have Chris Barrie, the show's not mine.

Smegged Off

Kryten had heard many an argument in his operational lifespan thus far - particularly between two of his masters, Dave Lister and Arnold Rimmer - but this one took the cake. The twelve-layer chocolate, cream and jam cake with chilled madras sauce icing, the mechanoid mused as he cringed at the verbal exchange that himself and the Cat were listening to from behind Lister and Rimmer's bunkroom door.

"Lister, if you keep playing that smegging guitar, I'm going to make you a choirboy with the D string, eject you into to deep space and force you to re-enact The Snowman on a frozen planetoid!"

"Yer a right tetchy smegger Rimmer, you know that? I'm tryin' to write a love song for Krissy and I'm getting less peace than the Battle of the bloody Somme!"

"God, he does know some military history!" Rimmer's voice marvelled, sarcasm dripping like corrosive acid from his every syllable. "Fabulous battle, that one…"

Kryten could just imagine the absolute scandal on Lister's features, and sure enough, the Scouser bit back almost instantly.

"Yer a nasty, cruel, self-centred smeghead with all the compassion of a black widow spider on its first date, you know that?"

"And you, Listy, are a tone-deaf, brain-dead goit with all the intellect of a special school maths teacher!"

Cringing once again as he heard what sounded like heavy objects crash and smash into shards and pieces behind the door, he could almost see Rimmer switch to soft-light and duck cowardly under their bunkroom table as Lister went for him. As tempting as it was to open the door and attempt to nullify the situation, the mechanoid for once couldn't bring himself to break them up - or perhaps he did not wish to have to repair an annihilated groinal socket. Either way, reluctantly and wearily, he motioned for the stunned Cat to follow him out of the room, horrified at the prospect of being discovered eavesdropping. Casting a final look at the door, he swallowed fretfully and called "I'll see you in the morning sirs", only to have to recoil frantically as what sounded rather like a vase almost came through the doorframe, and the shouting continued at a frenetic pace. Wisely, the series 4000 decided to follow his feline counterpart and high-tail it to the furthest corner of Starbug, desperately hoping that for once, Rimmer and Lister would sort out their own mess.

Several minutes after their departure, the yells died down, things stopped being destroyed and a certain hologram pressed the door release button, stepping out into the corridor with a satisfied smirk.

"Anyone about?" Lister voice asked as Rimmer searched the corridor thoroughly, just to be sure.

"Nope," he replied, returning to the bunkroom and ensuring that the door closed behind him.

"So they've finally smegged off? Say it isn't so!"

Rimmer shot him an amused look, standing just in front of the door, his face otherwise perfectly straight.

"Looks that way," he answered solemnly, no longer able to resist temptation and collapsing into laughter. Lister joined him in hysteria, shifting up a little to allow the hard-light hologram into his bed, both of them still dressed - though they both doubted that that novelty would last long.

"As much as it pains me to compliment you, that was a fantastic plan," Rimmer remarked eventually, still chuckling to himself as he was wrapped in Lister's embrace. The grinning Liverpudlian shrugged casually.

"Yeah - sorry about the vase though."

Rimmer glanced, nonplussed, over Lister's arm and at the ceramic mess of an heirloom across the room, and gave his own cheerful shrug.

"It was bloody horrible anyway," the hologram responded, unbuttoning a single button on Lister's shirt. "I'm just glad that they've left us alone for five smegging minutes."

"I hope it's a little longer than that," the Scouser said with a grin, cutting off Rimmer's chuckle with a sound kiss.

"Mmmm," the hard-light mumbled eventually as he fumbled awkwardly with Lister's shirt, gracing him with an intense and loving look, laughter still tickling his throat.

"Me too, Listy," he added quietly, and they grinned in harmony as their flesh came into contact with one another's. "Me too…"

Author note: Bit random, I know… but anyhow, love it or hate it, give me a shout and an indication as to whether that was crap, fabulous or some indeterminate medium. :D

By the way, I'm going to update Incognito within the next week, because I'd smegging forgotten about it to be honest lol. So look out for that, chums. Toodle pipski until then...