Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ^_^;

Ordinary Heroes

Chapter Seven: Breakeven

By: Irish

Ryo sighed with frustration, Dee was going to be pissed as hell when he got back, there had been absolutely no leads on the last murder and Ryo had been commanded by Rose to move on. The Meathook Murderer had gone from killing upstanding gay citizens to trans-identified hookers. It was the reverse of how serial murders usually did things, usually they started with hookers and transients and potentially evolved into more low-risk victims. Worse, now that the Meathook Murderer was targeting people considered to have low worth to society at large, he wasn't much of a priority. Despite the meeting with leaders in the LGBT community a few weeks ago, Rose hadn't hesitated to tell Ryo to put that case on the back burner again, handing him a new file for something more mundane. While admittedly the case on his desk right now looked it would be fairly straight forward (young nurse almost certainly killed by her violent ex boyfriend) he hated this prioritizing of victims.

He flipped through the crime scene photos without any real thought to the gruesomeness before him. It had been a very brutal murder. She'd been literally beaten to death. Ryo had been to the scene that morning, and uniforms had gone to the docks to pick up the ex boyfriend. He was hoping to have this wrapped up by mid afternoon and get back to what Ryo was starting to think of as The Case. Ryo was just jotting a few notes when the door of their office opened, Ryo frowned turning toward the door, wondering who had the temerity not to knock.

Dee had had the temerity not to knock. Which seemed fair, it was his office too. But Ryo hadn't been expecting him. The raven haired detective offered a grin and a wave. "Hey, miss me?" he smirked a bit. Ryo's answering smile was a little uncertain. He was pleased as hell to see his partner, but he wasn't sure Dee should be back to work yet. He also didn't like when Dee put on that cocky obnoxious personae, the one he used to hide his vulnerability, the playa, the bad boy, the willing-to-fuck-anything-that-moves cockiness. But, Ryo didn't really blame him either. Dee probably felt a little uncomfortable coming back to work. The reason for his absence the past few days had been hard to hide considering Ryo had had to walk Dee through the bull pen to get out to the car, and Dee had been ashen and carrying a garbage can for a puke bucket. He also reminded himself that he had no rights to Dee's inner life any more. They had regained ground, they were friends again. But Dee didn't even reveal himself to his friends most of the time.

"Yes," Ryo replied honestly, "I did, its too quiet when you're not around." Words Ryo had never thought he'd utter in his life 'too quiet.' Dee seemed a bit confused by that answer, enough so that he didn't make any smartass remark in return, just shut the door and rounded their desks to sit down behind his. "Are you supposed to be back to work yet?" Ryo asked him, assuming the answer was probably no.

"Does a bear shit in a phone booth?" Dee replied with a grin, looking his desk over. Ryo had tidied it up some while Dee was gone. He couldn't resist. The clutter had been driving him crazy. Ryo frowned to the question, uncertain for a moment.

"Um… no?" He suggested finally. Dee made a 'and there you have it' sort of gesture with another grin. Ryo rolled his eyes, but his smile was one of familiar amusement. There was no one quite like Dee that was for damn sure. "Okay, well, whatever, but you're staying at your desk then, no matter how good of a lead turns up or what sort of case crosses our desk, alright? Your word?"

"What do you mean what sort of case crosses our desk? We've only got one case." Dee frowned deeply, sitting up in his desk chair. Ryo sighed.

"No, no we don't. Rose has been keeping the caseload light the last few days. But I've had two others. The Meathook investigation is once again regulated to the back burner," he held up a hand hoping to delay any potential explosions from Dee. "It sucks, I know it sucks. But there is literally nothing we can do about it. The best thing we can do is get the rest of our caseload taken care of as quickly as possible so we have time on the case we should be focusing on. Complaining and be stubborn won't help."

Dee frowned deeply, opening his mouth to object, then closing it again, shaking his head. "This is bull shit. The worst sort of bull shit. The exact sort of thing that is wrong with law enforcement in general. Ignoring this case is the same as saying that everyone of those women… and men…" Gender was little ambiguous, all the victims had been genetically male, but other than the first few, they'd all presented as more or less female. "Deserved to be raped and murdered. That their lives don't count."

"I know, Dee, I know," Ryo shook his head, "And you're absolutely right. But it isn't our call. You need to quit bucking in the traces. Because if you don't you're going to be pulled off the case. And then what? Then who will be looking after these people? You're the best man for the job so your first priority needs to be doing whatever it takes to stay on this case. Even if that means not devoting every minute of your working day to it."

Dee made a frustrated sound and shook his head, clearly pissed, but he took a breath. "Yeah, yeah alright. I got this." He said, rolling his shoulders a little, "So what are we working on instead?"

Ryo went over the current case with Dee, though really only half his mind was on it. They'd have this wrapped up soon. He was pretty sure a Law Enforcement Explorer Scout could have solved this one. The rest of his mind was thinking about Dee. It was impossible not to. He hadn't been ready to see Dee today, having made no mental preparations. He'd been struggling since he'd brought Dee to his place, after his little trip to the hospital, to maintain the distance that Dee said he wanted. Struggling to respect their friendship and not push for more. He loved Dee. He loved Dee, and bravado to the contrary, Dee was still just barely keeping his head above water. Ryo wanted to hold him, wanted to protect him, find some way to make it better. Dee didn't want to let him in though.

Ryo gave an internal sigh, he'd been stupid, painful stupid. He'd been cruel too and whether or not he'd meant to be was still up for debate. Even in his heart of hearts, Ryo didn't know, couldn't trust his own judgment. He'd known Dee had a very tender heart under all his tough guy bluster. Had he realized how tender? How fragile Dee's self esteem was? How valuable and rarely given his trust was? He didn't think so. That was why this case gutted Dee, Ryo thought, his tender heart, his tattered self esteem. Dee himself had been abandoned, by his mother, and by the public at large. Ryo knew as well as anyone that when babies were found abandoned like Dee was it made the news and usually there were dozens, if not hundreds, of people wanting to adopt those kids. Not Dee though. He'd languished in that orphanage his whole life. When he'd turned eighteen, which would have been something like two months before he'd graduated high school, he'd been turned out on the streets to sink or swim. The system didn't care that he hadn't finish school. It didn't care that eighteen was just a number that didn't actually confer an adult's ability to cope. Mother Maria would have had no choice in the matter either. So, he'd been abandoned again. Ryo wondered what Dee had done for those two months while he was still completing high school, because he had completed high school, that Ryo knew.

"Dee?" they had both been looking over some paperwork the case, silence long having descended over the office, though Ryo hadn't really been reading his share of the paper work, mind turning over these questions of Dee.

"Yeah?" Dee looked up, raising his eyebrows, "See something interesting?"

"No," Ryo shook his head, and in what was a very Dee-like non sequitur said: "You aged out of foster care before you'd graduated high school,"

Dee's eyebrows raised further, "Um, yeah, I did. A little more than two months before. What's that got to do with anything?"

"Nothing… I was just wondering what you did, I mean, how did you manage to stay in school and stuff, that must have been really hard." Especially considering Dee was no Rhodes scholar, and by his own accounts hated school with a passion.

Dee shrugged, "Well, it wasn't like it was a surprise. I'd known my whole life that literally the day I turned eighteen I was on my own." He replied, turning his eyes back to his paper work.

"Sure, but what did you do?" Ryo asked, pressing a little, wanting to know now. As Dee had pointed out a few weeks ago, men were far less likely to go into sex work. Homeless boys though, that was a different story, and at eighteen Dee would have been more boy than man. Maybe that's why Dee was so touchy about this case.

Dee chuckled, fairly humorlessly and shook his head. "You're wondering if I turned tricks to pay rent, aren't you?" He shook his head. "No, Ryo… I've done a lot of things in my life, but sex for pay isn't one of them. Well," he paused, and that cocky grin was back, "Not yet anyway. I'm still young enough to be a high end rent boy, don't you think?"

Ryo's cheeks heated as Dee displayed his almost eerie ability to know what Ryo was thinking, and his blushed deepened further as Dee continued. He shook his own head hastily. "No, Dee, I didn't… I wasn't… forget I said anything." He muttered, face feeling hot and red as he picked up his paperwork, trying to hide behind it as Dee chuckled again. Ryo cursed himself for just blurting that out, he was going to be embarrassed for the rest of the day, and Dee probably wouldn't let it go either. It was going to be a very long day.

"What? You wouldn't pay to have sex with me?" Dee teased, but there was a hardness under his jocular tone, a cutting edge that Ryo didn't understand entirely, but he did know it meant that no matter how much light Dee made of things, a nerve had been touched. Ryo didn't think it was because Dee had turned tricks, in his own words. He hadn't been lying; Ryo could see that. He had no idea how to respond to that question though, pretty sure there was no right answer.

He was saved by the bell, or in this case, the cell. His cell phone rang on his desk sparing Ryo from having to stumble through that minefield. He snatched up the device and tapped the screen, "Hello, this Randy McLean." He hadn't even bothered to look at the call ID.

"Hello Randy McLean, this is Lyn Doren," a familiar and amused voice came over the line.

"Dr. Doren, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Ryo asked, voice light, a smile gracing his lips. He hadn't done more then exchange some emails and texts with Lyn for the last few weeks, too much on his plate for much of a personal life. Across their desks, Dee's phone rang as well, Dee answering it after a couple rings in his usual fashion.

"Laytner," he answered shortly, Ryo having half an ear on Dee as he listened to Lyn, starting to chuckle when Dee met his eyes as he spoke into the phone, "Hey Andrew," Obviously this was a team effort.

"Andrew and I wanted to invite you and Dee over for dinner again. We know you've been working like crazy. The girls haven't seen either of you in ages." Lyn replied, "Bikky's welcome too of course."

"Sure, that would be great, when?" Ryo asked, meeting Dee's eye again, as he nodded a bit, to him or to what Andrew was saying, he wasn't sure. Either way, Ryo couldn't help but smile at Dee. Dee smiled back, but it was quick and short. Ryo remembered a time when Dee would gaze into his eyes, how intense that had been, how difficult it had been to meet those emerald eyes. Now of course, all Ryo wanted was those tender lingering looks. Dee wasn't interested, so far as Ryo could tell.

"Is tonight too short of notice? No worries, if it is, but we figured there's no time like the present." Lyn replied cheerfully. This time it was Dee who caught Ryo's gaze, mouthing 'tonight' and raising his eyebrows. Ryo nodded to him before returning his attention to Lyn.

"No, tonight's fine, though I know Bikky's got plans." All the better, really. Ryo still didn't like being home by himself very much. He heard Dee echoing similar agreement to Andrew, Lyn paused a moment, obviously in the same room with Andrew, getting confirmation from Andrew that Dee was available as well.

"Great," Lyn said, clearly pleased, "Our place, then. Dinner at seven, you're welcome any time after five. Whatever works for you."

"What can I bring?" Ryo asked, hating to show up empty handed.

"Some wine? We're having salmon, but it's a little spicy, so probably a white wine like Riesling?" Lyn offered, "Or whatever you like, I've yet to turn down wine," he laughed.

"Alright, I can do that, no problem." Ryo agreed readily. "I don't know when I'll be there, but by seven for sure."

"Whenever you get here is fine. See you tonight, Ryo," Lyn said before hanging up.

Dee was on the phone an extra minute or two before he hung up as well, flashing Ryo a brief grin. "So, over to Lyn and Andrew's for dinner then?" they hadn't both been there at the same time since they'd broken up.

"Seems like," Ryo nodded, "I'm bringing wine, Lyn said something white," he said, more making conversation than anything.

"I'm in charge of dessert," Dee nodded, "I'll keep in mind you're getting a white wine," he replied, "I'll probably just buy something," he shrugged, "I doubt I'll have time to make anything."

"Well, you know every bakery in the city worth the name, so even 'just' buying something I'm sure it will be excellent," Ryo replied. Dee was an excellent cook, and could bake pretty well, some things anyway.

"I doubt you're stomping those grapes yourself, so I won't feel too bad," Dee teased.

The rest of the day had passed fairly quickly, and with the dinner plans in the offing, Ryo even got them both out of the office at five. After having only an eight hour day for a change of pace. Ryo went home to change, opting for khakis and a sweater instead of the slacks and button up he had on for work. He arrived at Lyn and Andrew's just after six, bottle of wine in hand, wondering if Dee was here yet.

There was the pitter patter of little feet, and the flwop flwop of Duke, their Great Dane also making tracks to the door. After a moment the door opened, a bit slowly. It was Keiry who answered the door. She was going to be starting kindergarten next fall, which Ryo could hardly believe. She'd just been two when Ryo and Dee had first been over to Lyn and Andrew's for dinner. Duke stood just behind her, watchfully, like a four footed nanny. Ryo couldn't help but break into a grin to see the little girl. She was still adorable, though she was clearly picking her own clothes these days, if the mismatched socks, black and white striped leggings and pink tutu, matched to a little green hooded sweatshirt with what looked like Shrek ears sewn to it, were any clue. She was also wearing a pair of swimming goggles and at least a dozen bangle bracelets… on her legs. She waved hugely to Ryo, her little hands immediately flapping away as she signed at him. Ryo was only to catch about one sign in five, school… cat… sea turtle? He nodded along though as he came in, crouching down and giving her a big hug.

"Hello?" Lyn called, coming out of the kitchen, smiling wider to see Ryo, "Well hey there, stranger, its good to see you." He said, coming over to where Ryo stood with Keiry and Duke near at hand. When Lyn reached out to embrace him, Ryo returned it readily.

"Its good to see you too, I haven't meant to be a stranger." Ryo replied, stepping back and looking Lyn over. Lyn had some issues with food, and on his tall gawky frame, it was pretty easy to gauge how well he was doing. "You look like you're no worse for wear,"

Lyn chuckled, holding his arms out and turning in a circle briefly for Ryo's inspection. "No, I'm doing pretty good," Lyn agreed. He was wearing dark wash jeans with a camp shirt that had what Ryo thought of as a hipster black and blue pattern he more commonly associated with flannel shirts. The sort of thing he would have thought was too rustic for Lyn, until he saw him in it. And he looked healthy, for which Ryo was immensely pleased.

"I take it Dee's not here yet?" Ryo asked, following Lyn back to the kitchen where he was working on getting dinner ready.

"No, not yet. Andrew's upstairs with Annie, getting her a bath. There was an incident with a bottle of maple syrup." Lyn replied, gesturing to the stool in one corner, Lyn never let anyone help in the kitchen. Which Ryo found a bit maddening, but he knew the routine now and took his seat on the stool after putting the wine in the fridge.

"Oh dear, that sounds sticky," Ryo chuckled. "But since Dee's not here yet… don't let him talk about work, okay? Have you guys talked to him much? He's in pretty rough shape."

Lyn glanced at Ryo frowning a bit. "We've both talked to him on the phone a time or two, but no, we haven't really. What do you mean rough?"

"A few days ago, I had to rush him to the emergency room. He was throwing up blood by the pint, it seemed." Ryo shuddered a bit in recollection. He was just glad he'd managed to be able to function and not throw up himself. "It was a stomach ulcer. They fixed him up without too much problem, but he's been off work not quite a week. He came back today. Rose is making us push the Meathook case to the back burner again. He's taking this whole case so damn personal." Ryo sighed. "I know ulcers are caused by a bacteria, not stress, but at the very least, the stress isn't helping."

"Oh my gods," Lyn said, "that's terrible, no, he hasn't said a word. Of course he hasn't," Lyn sighed, shaking his head. That was Dee. He didn't know how to ask for help really. Not when it was personal.

"Of course he hasn't," Ryo agreed. "And of course, I can't do much for him. There's only close he'll let me get and…" Ryo gestured vaguely, sighing.

"Which is no where near as close as you want to be," Lyn nodded.

"Right," Ryo agreed again, nodding, "and I want to be there for him. If we were still together, I don't think he'd be obsessing over this case like he is. But he's got nothing else to focus on, so…" he shrugged.

"And?" Lyn asked, glancing over his shoulder from where he was cooking over the stove. Keiry was playing on the floor with some matchbox cars of the variety that you could pull back to wind them, then let them go and they'd shoot across the floor.

"And?" Ryo replied, not sure what Lyn was getting at.

"And what else? You're worried for him, but I can sense a certain melancholia in your aura as well, so to speak," he grinned a little at his half ironic New Agey turn of phrase.

"I don't think he even misses me any more. I mean I know its been a long time. A little more than a year. I'm sure he did his grieving when I was doing my best to tell myself I didn't want to be with him anyway. It feels pretty crappy though… now that I know what I'm missing, what I want, how I feel… I think he's totally over it. Normally I'd say his ongoing celibacy would indicate otherwise. But, with how stressed he's been over the case…" Ryo shrugged, Dee's lack of bedmates was equally attributable to that.

Lyn nodded to that a bit. "I see. And what are you doing about that? I mean, do you know how he actually feels or are you just guessing?"

"Just guessing," Ryo said after a moment, "But he hasn't opened the door at all past a certain point."

"And what have you done to show him you're worth a second chance?" Lyn asked, raising his eyebrows, nudging a matchbox car with his foot from where it had ended up under the counter back towards Keiry.

"I've… well, I've…" Ryo stopped and frowned. "I suppose being a good partner and a friend doesn't quite turn the trick." He said with a shake of his head. "He pursued me so intensely—" Before Ryo could finish the thought, there was a knock at the door. Keiry didn't hear it of course, but Lyn stamped his foot lightly on the floor until she felt the vibrations and looked up to him. He signed something to her, and she was off at a run again, then there was the scramble of Duke lurching to his paws in the dining room and high tailing it after her.

"Speak of the devil," Lyn said with a smile, setting his wooden spoon down in the spoon rest and wiping his hands before going to greet Dee as well. Ryo slipped off his stool and followed so far as the doorway from the kitchen into the dining room, though he could see the front door from there, offering Dee a wave when Dee looked in his direction.

Dee embraced Lyn, kissing his cheek, and picked up Keiry, tossing her in the air until she shrieked with laughter. She was a little big for that game, but neither she nor Dee seemed to mind.

Andrew came down with a freshly bathed Annie a few minutes later, and then there was a few minutes of chaos as hands were washed and food was plated and wine poured. Dinner was excellent, salmon marinated with a honey and ginger glaze, brown rice, a spinach salad with mandarin orange slices. Dee had brought some tarts from one of the various bakeries between his place and Andrew and Lyn's. Conversation was a little challenging, only because they all made concerted efforts to sign when they spoke, even though they weren't speaking directly to Keiry. Lyn and Andrew did so with near-fluency, Ryo struggling a bit more, reminding himself to find the time to take a class in ASL.

After dinner, Dee went into the living room with the two girls, playing some sort of game that seemed to be half tag, half hide and seek, and involved a pretend fairy wand. Ryo intended to join, since Lyn and Andrew refused to let either of them help in the kitchen. Instead he ended up just watching Dee play with the girls, watching him smile and laugh, reflecting on what a pity it was that Dee didn't want kids. He was a natural with them. He also thought over what Lyn had brought up. What had he done to show Dee he was still interest? The closest he'd come in months was letting Dee sleep with his head in Ryo's lap, and he'd been sick at the time. That didn't really count. Before that, the last thing he'd done was try to kiss Dee… months ago. Dee had refused him, but he hadn't said no. He'd said 'don't push your luck.'

Once dishes were done, Lyn and Andrew took the girls upstairs to put them to bed, leaving Ryo and Dee to entertain themselves for a bit. Dee almost immediately went out on the back deck. Ryo wasn't sure if Dee was avoiding him. That seemed unlikely, they'd been spending more time together, socially even, not less. But Dee didn't say anything, just opened the sliding glass door in the dining room, letting Duke out, and following the dog out into the night. After a moment of consideration, Ryo followed.

The view was nice, and it wasn't the yard Ryo was enjoying. Dee was leaning on his forearms on the rail of the deck, bent over a bit, muscular ass in well fitting jeans nicely on display. The radio was planning softly. Lyn had probably left it on earlier in the day when he'd been out here probably having a smoke. Ryo frowned a bit though as Dee exhaled a lungful of smoke himself.

"I thought you quit?" Ryo said, closing the door behind him, moving over closer to Dee.

"Its one of Lyn's cloves," Dee replied, before taking another drag, "And it's the only one I've had all week,"

"You know cloves are just as bad as regular cigarettes," Ryo sighed shaking his head a little, but smiling a bit. He couldn't fault Dee the small indulgence though.

"Yup, but they taste better," Dee's tongue ran over his lips picking up the sweetness left by the light coating on the filter before inhaling again. "Did you come out here to watch me smoke?"

Ryo shook his head, leaning against the railing himself. "No… not exactly," his eyes wandered over Dee. He was sex on legs, always had been, a combination of good looks, the athleticism of utility of movement combined with a certain physical confidence. Dee could do amazing things with that body, both in bed and out of it. Ryo shook his had at himself, trying not to mentally undress Dee. He managed at work, because work was work, right now though it was hard to remember Dee was no longer his. The smaller detective reached over and plucked the cigarette from Dee's fingers lightly.

"Hey," Dee said indignantly, "Lyn will be pissed if you butt that half smoked,"

Ryo raised his eyebrows and instead of butting it out, brought it to his own lips, entirely amused at the surprise on Dee's face as he took a drag himself. He didn't really inhale. He'd never been a smoker. Oh he'd had a cigarette or two in his time, you didn't make it through the Army without occasionally having one. It was a social thing. But he'd never been able to really inhale without coughing and he didn't really want that in his lungs anyway. He exhaled the smoke that hadn't quite made it to his lungs and handed the cigarette back to Dee with a little grin.

"What, you think I've never had a smoke in my life," Ryo chuckled.

"Honestly? No," Dee replied shaking his head. He hesitated just a moment, looking at the cigarette before returning it to his mouth. "Besides it's a cigarette, not a joint. Puff puff pass isn't exactly the norm."

"Because you've never had your mouth the same place I've had mine before?" he smiled again and shook his head. Ryo had never in his life tried to seduce anyone, and flirting wasn't exactly his forte either. But he was willing to try. Willing to make a fool of himself even, if that's what it took.

"Not in a long time," Dee replied with a shrug.

"No… not in a long time," Ryo agreed, "And that's my fault. Entirely. But it doesn't have to be like that you know. I know I couldn't flirt my way out of a wet paper bag… but I'm trying." He glanced at Dee out of the corner of his eye with a little smile.

"Ryo… come on, don't man. We've been doing good as partners… as friends. Far better then we managed as lovers." Dee shook his head, gazing at the glowing tip of the cigarette between his fingers.

"You don't feel anything for me any more then? Beyond that?" Ryo asked softly.

Dee scoffed, shaking his head, "How damn long am I suppose to pine for you? Just… what? Stay in love with you forever? You don't want me. But you don't want me to move on either."

"No, no Dee, that's not what I meant," Ryo said earnestly, putting a hand on his forearm, not wanting him to turn around and go back in the house. Not thinking what he was thinking anyway. "What… what I meant is… I feel more than that for you. I'm still pining for you. You…" Ryo laughed softly, shaking his head a little, "God, Dee, you pursued me so long. You wouldn't take no for an answer… because you knew, like you always know, what was really on my mind. What I really wanted. But I'm not as good at knowing your mind. I probably should be. I've had all the chance in the world to learn. That's my fault too. So… what I'm saying is, I don't know if you really mean you want to move on… or if you're saying that but really mean that… that trust takes time."

Dee had straightened as Ryo spoke, no longer leaning on the railing, and Ryo straightened too, looking up into Ryo's eyes, very dark in the dim light, and hard to read. Ryo offered a small, shy, smile before ducking his head. Dee's gaze was still so damn intense.

"I don't know, Ryo. I don't know what I think, or want, or feel. Feeling is something I've been trying hard to avoid. Its easier… better… if I tell myself that this is what its always been, partners, friends. That anything else was just some vivid fantasy I dreamed up. Never real. It wasn't real." His shoulders lifted and fell again. "Its been all I can do to pick up the pieces. And lets be honest, I've done a mediocre job at best. I just don't have anything to give you."

"That's okay," Ryo stepped a little closer, daring to rest his fingers lightly on Dee's chest when Dee didn't step back. "That's okay, you've given more than your fair share. But let me rectify that, sweetheart. I think I can."

Dee looked down at the hand on his chest, but didn't brush it off or step away, he didn't move any closer or reach out himself though, either. "I don't think you really want me though," he said with a sort of bitter amusement. "You being in denial was only part of the problem. I'm still me. I'm still the sort of guy who should be fixing your car, not fixing you breakfast in the morning. I haven't gotten any smarter, or less foulmouthed or… or anything really. I'm still just an ill mannered stray. I embarrass you. I always have."

Ryo was quiet a moment, his immediate response was to deny that Dee embarrassed him. Dee knew bullshit when he heard it, though, and Ryo had been embarrassed by his lover on more than one occasion. "It isn't you, Dee, its me. Its me valuing the wrong things in life. Valuing appearances and opinions that I shouldn't. What I was doing was worrying that my car had scratched paint, when it was about to throw a rod and already had two flat tires. So I fixed the paint job, then couldn't figure out what happened when the car died."

"What kind of car?" Dee asked. Whatever response Ryo had been expecting it wasn't that, but he liked the little smile Dee had, small, secret, but amused.

"Um… what's a good kind of car?" Ryo asked.

"Depends. Personally, I like my cars like I like my men," he said, the smile widening a bit. Ryo had heard this little bon mot any number of times and smiled too, saying his line.

"Oh yeah? How's that? Old and rusty?"

"Small and Japanese," Dee replied, smile brightening further. Ryo's heart fluttered and leapt. There might still be a chance for them. He laughed softly, resisting the urge to kiss Dee, for the moment anyway.

"Alright then, a Honda," Ryo replied, he inched a little bit closer, less then a hand-span between them now. Ryo was able to feel the heat of Dee's lean frame. He was always so warm.

"Maybe you worrying about the right things then," Dee replied, smile fading a bit, "A Honda's engine will go forever, the entire frame will rust away before the engine stops. Once you scratch the paint, its only a matter of time before it starts to rust."

Ryo shook his head, he hadn't intended the metaphor to go this far, but so be it, it seemed to be working. "Nope. Who cares how much it rusts, so long as it works? Extended metaphor aside, Dee… what I'm trying to say is that I took you for granted and I know it. I won't make that mistake twice." He flattened his hand against Dee's chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart through the thin material of his shirt.

"You could have anyone. You're lonely, you're horny, and I'm close at hand. I'm always close at hand," Dee sighed, chest rising and falling under Ryo's hand. "I'm glad you aren't so deep in the closet you're finding Satyrs any more. That's a miserable way to be. But I don't think its me you want, I think its just someone."

"That's not true. If you really want me to… to gain some experience to prove that its you I really want, I'll do it, because I need you to know that I want to choose you. Eyes wide open. You're the only one for me. But I'd really rather not. I'd rather you took my word for it. But if I need to prove it, I will." He'd had prime rib, he had no interest in trying hamburger just to prove a point. He stepped a little closer again, now just a couple scant inches between them. Slowly Ryo slipped his other arm around Dee's waist, leaning forward just enough to rest his forehead against Dee's chin.

Dee closed his eyes, able to smell Ryo's hair, feel the warmth of him, and wanting nothing more than to fold Ryo into his arms, hold him and never let go, cling to him. Worse, the urge to beg for forgiveness, for leaving Ryo in the first place, for daring to not immediately fall back into Ryo's arms when Ryo had shown signs of wanting him again. Intellectually he was pretty sure he had no apologies to make. But despite all of this, he still held Ryo on a bit of a pedestal. Ryo was better then him in pretty much every way. Who was Dee to deny him?

"Ryo… I—"

"Don't," Ryo said softly, straightening a bit to look into Dee's eyes. The hand on his chest slid up over Dee's shoulder and along his neck, then jaw, before cupping his face gently. "You don't need to say anything," he murmured, going up on his toes a little, his lips finding Dee's and kissing him, softly at first, but lingering, wanting there to be no mistaking his intentions.

Dee tasted like sweetness and smoke against his lips. Ryo lingered, waiting for Dee to kiss back or push him away. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Dee's lips responded, pressing against Ryo's. Dee tilted his head a little, allowing their lips to melt more thoroughly. Dee's hands slid up Ryo's arms gripping his biceps with gentle hands. It was the first touch Dee had initiated in a very long time. Ryo parted his lips, tongue teasing against Dee's, wanting to deepen the kiss, and after a moment, Dee obliged him, lips parting, tongue returning the light dancing touches of Ryo's. The smaller detective made a small sound of pure want, pressing against the slightly larger frame of his partner, hips to chest, his fingers sliding back into Dee's hair. One of Dee's arms finally came around Ryo's waist, pulling him closer for the last few moments the kiss lasted.

It was Dee who broke it, straightening, his arm around Ryo loosening. He didn't step away entirely, but Ryo sensed he was about to, starting to shake his head. "Ryo…"

Ryo shook his head in return. "I know, by rights, I should have to spend two years stealing kisses and groping you while you push me away. If I have to I will. You deserve as much as you've given me over the years. I think we'll both be happier though… if you're more honest than I was." Ryo pressed a kiss to his chin.

"What do you suggest?" Dee asked, sounding a little weary and resigned. Ryo didn't like that, but he could only fix it if Dee let him.

"That you let me come home with you," Ryo replied, boldly, perhaps rashly. Dee was so walled off, though. One thing Ryo had learned about Dee early on, sexual intimacy was very much about connecting with someone else, about finding humanity, finding respite in someone's arms, even fleetingly.

"Ryo…"

"Tell me you don't want it Dee, tell me you don't want to be with me, and I'll drop it. I'll never bring it up again. Tell me no, Dee, and I'll take you at your word." Ryo said softly, his dark eyes studying Dee's face, brow furrowed, heart in his throat as there was a long moment of silence, Dee's eyes downcast, not meeting Ryo's. Ryo was sure he was about to be told no, that he'd have to give Dee up, give up on them.

"Yes," Dee whispered finally, "Yes, I want to be with you. I can't have my heart broken again, though, Ryo… I can't." His voice was low and rough. If he'd thought Dee even really knew how to cry any more, Ryo would have said his voice was thick with tears. Even if that wasn't quite the case, it was intense with emotion, and Ryo didn't for a moment doubt the seriousness of this statement. Ryo didn't know what the consequence of breaking Dee's heart and trust a second time would be. But he had no intention of finding out.

"I won't, your heart is far too precious a thing for me to be careless with. I know that now." Ryo smiled a little, stepping closer again, this time just wrapping his arms around Dee, hugging him close. Dee's arms slipped around his waist, and when his head came to rest on Ryo's shoulder, Ryo stroked his hair tenderly in comfort. "I love you, Dee, I love you and I've been the worst sort of fool."

Authors Note: Okay, first update in four and a half years. But hey, at least there is one, right? I do have the start of the next chapter as well, that's why the ending here is a little abrupt. I needed to make the cut somewhere, and this was the best I had. I won't make any promises about when it will be posted, or if I'm actually 'back' as a writer. I'm as surprised as you are to have written this. But it feels good. Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me low these many years. Welcome to any who are new, and thank you to Jax who has been my number one fan for years.