THE BED SHEET SAGA
dedicated to Vixen2004 because she's awesome and I always wanted to try to write Penelo because of her.
(I made a homage to your story, Ten Things I Learned While Saving the World, too, Vixen! See if you can find it XD)

This is unbelievable.

Unbelievable!

Who in Dalmasca does that boy think he is? King Raminas!?

Vaan Ratsbane is the most unintelligent and dim-witted person in the whole of Ivalice! If it's not one thing, then it's another. Oh, certainly, he's a passable fighter and can kick around some relatively ferocious monsters, but I assure you, it is all brawn and no brain.

Do you know how I woke up this morning?

I woke up minus my clothes. Now, over the years, I have accumulated many outfits due to our sky-pirating ways. It is not much fun if you steal gil and never use it on anything. Vaan has no concept of wealth, and as such spends money on further weapons and/or accessories to aid him in future sky-pirating missions. I prefer to buy clothes and pretty things.

But when I awoke … my entire wardrobe had been emptied. Nothing was left. We were on our airship, and I was in my personal cabin, and the only other person inhabiting the ship was Vaan––my amazing powers of deduction could only deduce that he was the only possible suspect.

(Plus, he is a sky-pirate and perhaps has developed kleptomania.)

My amazing powers of deduction could also deduce that Vaan would not be living much longer, if I found him anytime soon.

Because I lacked all clothing––not even underwear was left! Vaan Ratsbane is going to die horriblly; Vayne and Dr Cid may not have been able to kill him, but I CAN!––I had to improvise. This included ripping the bedsheets off of the bed and fashioning them into a sort of dress. That was white. And made of cotton.

It is better than pure nakedness.

Vaan. Will. Die.

I found Vaan to be nowhere on our ship, and as we were docked at Rabanastre aerodrome, I decided I would risk the social indignity and just go outside. I would not just wait around until he decided to return and then berate him with a bed sheet wrapped around me. No, if Vaan is the perpetrator of this nefarious act, then I will make a scene. In public.

And I will not be the only one who looks like a fool.

(Bed linen aside.)

Unfortunately, because I am renowned for fighting by Queen Ashe's––Ashelia, must remember to call her Ashelia––side during the fight against Archadia, I am a well-known face. Not to mention some people have felt the need to post wanted signs of me around the general area of Archades, so nobles visiting from there would be accustomed to the bounty over my head.

I am armed, however. You would not believe how well cleavage conceals a sheathed dagger. While it may be utterly inappropriate for me to debate fighting in a bed sheet, if the situation calls for it, I will not be helpless! Plus, I must be armed in order to murder Vaan.

Yes.

But… I seemed to have forgotten that the docks are laden with other sky-pirates, most of whom I know personally due to––

"Penelo?"

Fran.

And Balthier.

Staring.

At.

Me in bed sheets.

"Morning!" I grinned, a lot more cheerily than I felt, anyway.

"Ah, Penelo," Balthier lifted an eyebrow. "You … seem to be lacking proper clothing."

"I know," I replied.

"Just so we are on clear terms."

"You…" I was suddenly hopeful. "…didn't take them in an attempt to profess your undying love for me, did you?"

(If worst came to worst, marrying Balthier would not be such a painstaking thing. He is immensely attractive and has very nice voice. Hmm. Although he patronises at every given opportunity and is exceedingly rude to Vaan and I, especially concerning sky-pirating. Maybe not. But it would be better than Vaan Ratsbane stealing my clothes.)

"No," Balthier was taken aback, to say the least. I sighed.

"Oh, well, that's all right then…" I turned to Fran. "Uhh, you weren't hoping to impress upon me your Vieran ways, were you?"

(Please not the metal thong.)

Fran shook her head mutely, looking slightly alarmed at my bed-sheet clothed bodice. Which is slightly hypocritical, as she is rarely clothed in actual clothing, and resorts to stilettos and metal thongs. If that was not bad enough, she claims it is 'a traditional Vieran way'.

"Well, it was nice seeing you again," I nodded carefully. "I shall have to send you a letter in the future, won't I? I've been so busy writing to Larsa, after all. Uhh, have fun in Rabanastre!" I paused, then added. "And don't plan on seeing Vaan again!"

I turned and ran.

I distinctly believe I heard Balthier remark to Fran: "Vaan is a strategic thinker at times, then. I shall have to try this technique on the Lady Ashe sometime, hmm?"

I have no idea what he means.

I do know Vaan will die more than ever, though.
I stumbled across Tomaj on my way to murder Vaan, just outside the Sandsea.

"I knew it would happen eventually," he shook his head.

I did not even want to know what that meant.

I have forgotten how easy it is to get lost in Rabanastre. I am beginning to believe it would have been a safer decision to just wait on the ship, and not charge out with the common ideology of Power to Women. I do know that Fran and Ashe enjoy lecturing me on being a proper lady and standing up to men at the same time, but I do not believe this is a normal situation in which feminist rights can be upheld.

I do not want to live the rest of my life in a bed sheet. I especially do not want to run into any dignitaries in said bed sheet, either. It is hard enough making a living in my normal clothing without being called a great number of things, let alone a white linen sheet which barely covers what it needs to and I believe does so on purpose.

(So you will invest in more bed sheets and spend more money. A sky-pirate tends to become horribly concerned about finances and things when they wrest gil from reluctant 'foes'. I am cheap unless it involves proper clothing. Which is why I want my clothing!)

Things cannot get any worse than this, however, can they?

I should know better than to say that. Than to even think that.

Just as I was walking down the promenade and keeping to the shadows––while I can be impulsive at times when anger management issues arise, I tend to become very self-conscious once the impulsiveness fades, but I believe I am fully justified in being wary of strolling around openly wearing a bed sheet––a group of armed guards came along.

These were Dalmascan guards, so it is not as if Archadia is invading again (although it is very doubtful Larsa would attempt to invade Dalmasca mid-way through puberty) but Dalmascan guards are the entourage to the Queen.

Oh, please no.

"Penelo?" Ashe (Ashelia, whatever) spots me and hurries over, which astonishes me and just about everyone in the immediate vicinity. But Ashe has, I suppose, developed a soft spot for those who stood by her and her country and––well, I only went because Vaan did, but it is beside the point.

"Err, hello," I squeaked sheepishly.

"Whatever are you doing out here like this?"

"Well, what are you doing here?"

(Queens of Dalmasca hardly go around the city for no purpose, do they? Oh, it was all because I thought it could not get worse! Now the attention is focused solely on me! I will never live this down.)

"I am on my way to a meeting at a politician's house, and I felt that I should walk," Ashe told me, still astonished. "But what happened to your––?"

"Vaan happened to my clothes," I screeched indignantly. I do not care about propriety at this point. Really! "I woke up this morning and found them all gone, through no fault of my own, and it has to have been Vaan! So now I am endeavouring to find him and wring his neck until he gives me a plausible explanation or preferably dies."

(Yes, I was: standing in the middle of the promenade, wearing a bed sheet and ranting at the Queen of Dalmasca about how a wanted criminal stole my clothing and I was also throwing around death threats. Luckily, I have connections to all the leaders in Ivalice, so it really is only a matter of connections. I would have been arrested already otherwise.

At least something positive came out of Vaan's inability to sit still way back when. Oh, but now…)

"Oh…" a small smile creeps its way unto Ashe's face, and I do not find myself liking it. People only look that way when they know something you do not. "Is that so?"

"Yes, that is so," I hmphed.

"Well, would you like––"

It was then that I spotted a familiar patch of blonde hair that was ever-so-familiar to me going around a corner. I immediately forgot about my conversation that I was having with the Queen of Dalmasca and raced off, leaving her very perplexed.

"Vaan has no sense of subtlety, as usual," I am sure I heard her say.

I could see him! He was in my line of vision!

…but now where is he?

Rabanastre may be my home, but I do not know its many hiding places due to Vaan and Reks being the explorers. I headed for Migelo's, however, as Migelo always has a solution for any type of situation, despite not being human. I am unsure whether he will have female––or, heck, even male, it's better than a bed sheet––garments lying around, but I could always enlist his help to knock someone out and steal their clothes.

(After all, if I attempt to do that myself, my bed sheet will fall down and as someone has thoughtlessly stolen my underwear and I happen to sleep without clothing––well, you know.)

I charged into Migelo's with about as much grace as a drunken Seeq. Luckily, there were no customers; otherwise I would have been subjected to shameless scrutiny from people attempting to become drunk from hi-potions (it doesn't work).

Now, Balthier, Fran and Ashe had been astonished, but Migelo just looked slightly guilty. This made me immediately suspicious.

"Oh, er, hi Penelo … how are you this fine da––"

I unsheathed the dagger and hurled it at the wall. It embedded itself into the concrete a few inches away from his head. This mightily satisfied me, as I stopped bothering with daggers and moved on to bows and staves, so I am severely out-of-practice.

"Migelo, I would be fine, but I have stumbled across a slight quandary––" I learnt the word off of Larsa when he wrote to me last. 'There is a slight quandary with the exporting system we have set up, although I have managed to … blah, blah, blah'. "And that involves clothing. In other words … if you don't tell me where Vaan Ratsbane is RIGHT THIS SECOND, I will bash your head in with a rock somehow."

Migelo, probably in awe at the tough girl persona I manage to produce under stress, pointed wearily to the doorway which led to the storeroom.

Ah ha.

Vaan has a few minutes left to live. It is probably better that way. He is a menace to society, what with his sky-pirating ways and dim-wittedness.

I entered the room, and screamed:

"VAAN RATSBANE!!"

…or at least I began screaming it.

Then I paused. Because Vaan had all my clothes in a neat little pile, right before me, and he was grinning at me. (A you-know-you-love-me-really-so-let-me-talk-before-you-decapitate-me grin).

"Vaan," I blinked. "What are you doing with my … clothes?"

"Well, it was supposed to be a surprise––" he began.

"A surprise?" momentary shock worn off, I was back in anger mode. I only realised then I had left my dagger embedded in the wall, with the hapless Migelo. "You call letting me wake up to have no clothes left a surprise? Vaan, you are the most tactless person I have ever met and I do believe that I am within every right to––"

That was when he held up the first article of clothing, and I realised it was not actually my clothing, for my clothing was covered in scratches and tears, but it was a new outfit fashioned in exactly the same manner. With a wing pattern on the back. I remembered a conversation with Vaan I had had months earlier.

("I always wanted a wing pattern on my clothes … why? Because wings are for sky pirates, and we are sky pirates now. Vaan … isn't that right? I will work by your side and be a sky pirate.")

(Girlish fantasies, I believe.)

"Well––" he launched into babbling. "I was intending to switch around your clothes so you wouldn't notice and so it would be a surprise … but then the supplier didn't get the clothes on time so I had to come here to collect them and then I heard from Balthier that you were wandering around in a bed sheet so I thought I'd… I'm sorry!"

I blinked. And blinked some more.

…and some more for good measure.

(I gave up a long time ago on Vaan. I always thought there was a lot of romantic potential in him, but he never sought to court me or anything like that. Just asked me to be his partner and become a sky pirate with him, because we are best friends and that is what best friends do. I gave up a long time ago on Vaan, largely because he is a moronic idiot and I should've married Reks and stopped him from going to war, in the long run.

We would have had intelligent children.)

"Err…why?" I wanted to know. It is not very often that Vaan wishes to bestow upon me some sort of gift or anything, so … why?

"Because…"

"Because what?"

"Because I…"

"Vaan, the apocalypse is going to come before you get the words out. Please hurry up."

"Because it's Yuletide and celebrations are coming up and isn't that what you're supposed to do?"

I stared at him for a full five seconds.

(Girlish fantasies aside, Vaan really is a moron.)

"You mean you … smuggled my clothes out of my room, to switch them with new ones with wing patterns on that are decidedly not ripped and torn … yes, you did all of that because it is Yuletide? You don't even celebrate Yuletide!"

"Oh," Vaan looked hurt. "You mean you don't like it, then?"

"No…" Vaan, it is clothes, when have I ever disliked clothes? Even if they are terribly uncomfortable in the desert, I will still wear them, because they are clothes. "But could you not have forewarned me or something so I didn't rampage around Rabanastre and look like a complete idiot?"

"Sorry," he said again.

"Vaan," I was beginning to tire of this rather comical situation pretty quickly. I have been walking around for the better part of the morning clothed in nothing but a bed sheet and one tends to have a short temper after that, let alone after being publicly humiliated at least three times over. "Why?"

"You said you wanted a wing pattern, and you wanted to be a sky pirate with me."

I failed to see the point. "So?"

"I want you to be a sky pirate with me, too…"

"Vaan, I already am."

"No, that's not what I meant," he shook his head decisively. "I want you to be my sky pirate with me."

(Ah, Vaan, what a way with words you have.)

I froze. Generally I like to approach things with a cheery attitude and an even cheerier outlook; that everything will turn out all right. Today has caused me to do something totally uncharacteristic; to shout at my best friend. While Vaan annoys me to no-end, I have never found it in my heart to be properly angry at him.

…I always knew that when I did no good would come of it. Now I just feel incredibly guilty.

And he's not even the one wearing the bed sheet.

"You…mean…?" I blinked rapidly.

"Happy Yuletide, Penelo," Vaan grinned at me sheepishly again.

The comment took a full two seconds to process before I kissed him.

So, really, my first assumption was correct.

It was unbelievable. Only Vaan would attempt to be romantic but ruin things so much that it just evolves into a Penelo's-first-anger-rampage scenario. Only Vaan would attempt such a plan, and go through with it, and be so alarmingly literal and blunt. Only Vaan.

But I guess this is why we women have to put up with our men being all brawn and no brains and do all the thinking––and fighting, in my case––ourselves.

Balthier and Reks have nothing on my moronic sky pirate.

FIN
merry christmas everyone!
or if you don't celebrate it,
have a GREAT holiday anyway