-1Description: "Dude...you're my best friend. I don't want you to die until I do." Alternate to episode "Cherokee Hair Tampons" ...nonslash

Disclaimer: Don't own, never will, never claimed to, 'nuff said.

Cartman sighed, stretching as he leaned back into the couch before the TV, feeling thoroughly satisfied. He smiled. Kyle was in Hell's Pass, dying and barely conscious, with his family holed up in his room, waiting for doctors to find some way to keep him alive for a longer period of time. Of course, Kyle might've been in the hospital recovering, laughing with Stan and his parents--but no, Cartman was too smart for them. He closed his eyes, relishing the image of Stan's stricken face as he watched Cartman grind the fake kidney into mush under his heel and hold out his hand for the ten million dollars that Stan didn't possess. Stan was such a douche, what exactly made him like that Jew filth so much? Was he just a complete idiot? Anyway, at least he could bask in Stan's misery for a while and--

Ding Dong

Irritated, Cartman jerked out of his thoughts and sat up.

"Meeeem! Someone's at the door!"

No answer.

Ding Dong

Cursing his mother, Cartman shoved himself off the couch and opened the door, letting a gust of freezing air and heavy sleet into the house. He looked down and raised his eyebrows in surprise. Stan was standing on his doorstep, teeth chattering slightly with cold, his head bowed.

"What the hell do you want asshole?"

"Cartman, please... I-I know you hate Kyle, and I know you're all pissed off because I tried to trick you into signing the release, but please, please, please just think what you would be doing if you donated Kyle your kidney. He'll die if he doesn't get it, he's my best friend Cartman...he can't die. Please...if you just gave it to him...I'll do anything...anything..."

His voice cracked. With what seemed like an enormous effort, Stan lifted his half-closed eyes to Cartman's. He looked absolutely terrible. He was very pale, his hair bedraggled, his coat and hat soaked through and encrusted with ice. He was teetering slightly with exhaustion where he stood, hands trembling as he tried to brush thick strands of sodden black hair out of his eyes, which were red and puffy, with dark circles underneath. He had been crying. A lot. He looked as though he hadn't slept in days.

Cartman leaned leisurely against the door frame, surveying Stan with amusement.

"Well, how very touching," he yawned, polishing his nails on his coat and cocking an eyebrow at Stan. "Ah do believe that you worry more about that Jew-rat than yourself. Some people are such stupid assholes, huh Stan? Now I would just like you to seriousleh tell me, just why the hell would I donate my precious kidney to Kahl?"

"Because he's your friend, and you're supposed to help your friend out, Cartman!" Stan tried to step foreward and wobbled dangerously, his knees nearly buckling. Cartman didn't move. Stan reached out pleadingly. "I would donate mine in a minute if I was a match, I'm not trying to scam you out of anything, honest!"

"Yeah, you would wouldn't you? Shows just how lame you are Stan. Donate your kidney? Why the fuck would someone do that? God, you are such a fag."

"I don't give a damn what you think Cartman!" Stan cried, raising his voice. "I care about him, I--if he dies I won't be able to live, I'd die for him, Cartman, I would rather die before I see him die...he's my best friend. My friend Cartman! Do you even know what that's like?"

"Pff! Yeah sure Stan." said Cartman angrily. "Well what, you--you think I should just give it to him? Just--" Cartman put on a high-pitched, soothing voice, " 'Oh looook Kahl. What's thiiiis nyah? Why, it's mah kidney! And you can have it, you stupid Jew. Ah hope you have a great time with it, and it won't cost you a single dollar.' " He jabbed his finger at Stan, drawing himself up in the manner that he found most impressive to the subjects of his speeches " Like that? Stan, do you even know how our society is built? How this world works? Have you ever thought, "What would happen to the human race if people could take what they wanted?" How would we have our systems that we take for granted? What would the world be like, Stan, if everyone in the world just gave away everything that belongs to them? Huh?"

"It's called donating Cartman!" said Stan weakly. "You just give something because someone needs it badly, like Kyle. You don't ask for a price! It hasn't got anything to do with society."

Cartman laughed derisively.

" 'Don't ask for a price'? Are you seriously Stan? You think I'd give up my kidney for free? And how about Kahl? Do you really think his life is worth that much to just give him a kidney? Well Stan, you can just either hand over that ten million, or suck mah fat hairy balls! Screw you, go home!" He began to close the door.

"Cartman...no...please..." Stan croaked. He staggered forward, nearly collapsing. "Cartman, its Kyle, he's your friend, even if you hate him. Your friend...you spent your whole life together...Kyle..."

Cartman paused, just long enough for a pale glimmer of hope to rise in Stan's eyes, then flipped him the finger.

"Fuck Kyle, Stan. And if I were you, I would go get some sleep."

And he slammed the door in Stan's anguished face.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dazed, Stan slowly tottered down the road, until he stood, dreamlike, in the middle of Main Street, staring sightlessly at the streetlights flashing bright blue and gold through the falling sleet, amplified by his exhausted mind. His head swam, he felt dizzy, every bone in his body screaming for him to sleep. Sleep and forget about everything, but he knew he couldn't. No matter what, his mind buzzed in ever-escalating panic, the never-ending worry about Kyle repeating itself incessantly, threatening to rise up and overtake him every time he stopped thinking. This must be how people nearing delirium felt.

His best friend. His best friend was going to die and he couldn't do anything about it. Nothing worked. Cartman wouldn't give him a kidney. His heart gave a horrible jolt of terror at the thought of Kyle lying lifeless, dead and gone forever, not like Kenny...

"Stan! What the hell are you doing out here?"

Stan blinked. "Kenny?"

Kenny was standing in the road, completely healed from his piano accident and looking shocked.

"Stan...you're a complete mess...how long has it been since you slept?"

"Huh? Oh, I dunno, I can't remember too well...Cartman wouldn't listen to me again, Kyle's in the hospital..." He trailed off, staring at his feet, distracted by the glimmering reflections in the ice.

"Stan?"

"Yeah?"

Kenny shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "I'm...uh...sorry I got so pissed off about dying, it didn't really occur to me what it meant, you know, that he'd actually die. I didn't think--"

Stan shook his head. "That's alright Kenny." Tears welled up in his eyes and he swallowed hard, blinking.

"He going to die..."

Kenny patted him awkwardly on the shoulder. "C'mon, it'll be fine Stan, Cartman's not that evil, I know him, he'll come out of it..."

There was a sudden honking, and the Marsh's car came skidding around the corner. It screeched to a halt in front of Stan and Kenny, and Randy stuck his head out, looking frantic.

"Stan! Kenny! Get in quick! we're going to the hospital."

Stan clutched Kenny's arm convulsively, feeling suddenly faint. "W-What?" he yelped, his voice shaking "Kyle...? is Kyle okay?"

Randy shook his head anxiously "No Stan, the Broflovski's said he was taken out of his room for medical attention, and the doctors say they need to have a donor soon, they don't think he'll make it much longer."

So, its probably cruddy, but please, PLEASE review and tell me if you liked it. It's probably going to be medically impossible, but I'm doing it on purpose, because South Park is medically impossible, and so was that episode, so don't complain about that. And did I mention to review?