I was gone.

My heart was beating, my blood was pulsing, but I was gone. Detached from the girl I used to be.

Laying in a bathtub, in the fetal position, I considered the ultimate relief. But I thought of Edward, and his promise to end himself if I ever ended my life.

Edward.

What would he think of me? What if he saw me, naked and shuddering, trying not to remember? What if he knew what happened?

He wouldn't be mad at me. He wouldn't hate me. He would hate him-Jacob. He would tear Jacob to bits. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let Edward kill him. I hated Jacob, with every breath I took, with ever tear that slid town my cold, bruised face, I hated him more. But not enough. I never hated him enough.

Would Edward still want me? Silly question. Haven't I convinced myself a thousand times that he loves me? Hasn't he convinced me a thousand times?

But would he still want me?

Would he want me as I am at this moment? Dirty, bruised, broken.

Touched.

Smelling like the dog.

No longer the innocent Bella I was. Changed. Different. A shadow.

I knew he would be coming back soon. I knew that Alice wouldn't know what happened, and that Edward wouldn't suspect a thing. Nothing was decided. I could still act fast. Relieve Edward from his loving bonds to a broken woman.

But I couldn't. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting him. I would stay alive. For Edward.

He would find me. Here, in this bathtub, in the fetal position, still shaking, bruises tracing the spots where he grabbed me. Uncontrollable Jacob. Edward warned me.

Could I lie? Could I lie to Edward, and say that I fell? Could I cover myself up enough to not let Edward see?

Could I even get out of this tub?

Now. I need to act now. To save myself. To save Edward. To save Jacob. The weight of three different lives, all resting on my ability to pull myself together, and lie to Edward. Something I promised I would never do.

Charlie was gone. At Billy's. There was a storm so bad that he was stranded. Fifteen messages on the answering machine from Charlie, worrying I had gotten hurt in the storm. Jacob eased his mind, then left me. Was he disgusted with himself? Did he know how much I hated him?

A window opening. I could hear the window opening in my room. Edward, coming in-not his usual stealthy self. He must know that Charlie is stranded. Edward knows all.

Time to get up kid-time to make your choice. Can you do it? Can you be the hero for once, or must you always be the damsel, shivering while Edward comforts you.

I rose out of the bathtub. It was time.