Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Company are wholly owned by J.K. Rowling et. al. I am making no profit from their work.
A\N: I blame Unibrau brewing company for this fic. Seriously, if you are of age, check out their products. The club portrayed in this fic is a poor imitation of an actual bar. If you are male and don't like your hiney groped, don't go to places like this.
AU as all get out. Just assume Voldemort's dead, horcruxes never happened, whatever. I stole some name ideas from Clell65619. He's an absolutely wonderful author, look him up.
Rated M for Penii.
o.O
Harry gazed up at the shockingly pink double doors in front of him. He could feel the intense bass pounding its way through the walls. He smiled. 'Strange how things work out, I guess,' he thought. As he opened the doors his mind wandered to the events that lead him up to this point.
O.o
Harry finally realized that something was up after he rid the world of Riddle. Battered and bruised, he'd slogged his way back to civilization accompanied by his two best friends. After a brief stay at St. Mungo's recovering from the injuries of war, Harry and company made their way to the Burrow. As soon as Harry stepped in the door, Ginny leapt upon him and covered his face with frantic kisses.
Harry felt oddly ill. It wasn't anything like her earlier kisses. It kind of felt like a violation. Ginny noticed his unease and ramped up the affection until Harry was rescued by Ron's gagging and Hermione's ferocious grip. Thankfully, Molly and Arthur quickly dragged the trio to the dinner table where a gigantic feast awaited.
That night, Ginny snuck into Harry's room and molested him. His surprise was eclipsed by Ginny's frustration at her inability to get a rise out of certain bits of his anatomy. Yet again, he was saved by Hermione's timely intervention. She yanked Ginny off of his protesting body and out of the bedroom he shared with Ron. Ron, of course, managed to sleep though the whole affair.
That morning, Hermione cornered Harry into a deep discussion. They talked for hours, discussing his future, what he wanted out of life, and finally his rather atypical reaction to Ginny's advances. Once again Harry found himself thankful that Hermione knew far more about everything than he and was more than willing to share her knowledge. With her usual care, patience and tact she niggled and wormed through his defenses until Harry found himself stuck with the sudden realization that the reason why his earlier relationships bombed horribly wasn't due to Tom's influence but his own lack of interest in the female gender. He was so lucky to have an open minded friend who helped guide him through the angst inherent in realizing his own fancy for tube-steak. He still wondered about the vaguely disappointed yet oddly excited look in her eyes.
O.o
The beefy (and utterly delicious) bouncer happily waved the Man-Who-Conquered in. Harry walked to the bar nervously while instinctively matching the beat of the Cher song blasting through the speakers. He ordered a drink and took in the leather-clad bears, glitter-strewn twinks, and oddly normal looking gents grinding merrily on the dance floor.
"First time?" The bartender asked with a grin. Harry nodded. "So, how long have you been out of the closet?"
"Um, about three weeks, I guess. A bit busy with other things beforehand, you know?" Harry said.
"Yeah, I can understand that. Thanks, by the way. I'm a bloody muggle-born and I'm personally quite happy that sodding wanker's gone."
Harry nodded. "Yeah, lets you focus on the finer things in life, doesn't it."
The bartender beamed. "That it does."
"Well if it isn't Harry Potter… I should have known you were a poof," drawled a familiar voice behind him.
Harry turned around. The voice belonged to none other than Draco Malfoy, the second greatest git in Britain. "What do you want ferret?"
Draco sneered. "Just making observations, like the fact that the Boy-Who-Lived is a pillow-biting sodomite."
"It would seem," Harry snarked, "that we have a case of the ferret calling the Potter black. Unless you have some other reason to hang out at a bar specializing in man-hunting?"
Draco sniffed. "I'll give that a three out of five. How about we dispense with the petty insults and step into a side room for a quick shag. Merlin knows I've been craving your tight arse for seven years now." Draco winked.
Harry gagged. "No offense… no wait, offense is intended… I'd rather take on Moody and Dumbledore in an all-night tag team while your father wanks off watching before I'd ever stick my wand anywhere near you."
"Ooooh, kinky Potter. You know I might take you up on that," Draco replied flirtatiously.
'I think, no wait, I know I'm going to be violently ill any second now,' Harry thought. "Malfoy, I'm not sure what demented universe you live in, but in this one Harry Potter actually possesses a bit of taste. I'm not flirting with you, you slimy git, I'm telling you to sod off."
Malfoy pouted. "You'll come along lover-boy. You'll see. The Malfoy family has years of knowledge to share. We've got a reputation for pleasing our men."
"Is this ferret bothering you?" A man's voice asked. Harry looked up to see a handsome man standing right behind Malfoy, wand ready. The man was dressed in a tight blue shirt with the letters YAOI in pink on the front. The shirt hugged his frame showing that while the man was by no means muscular he was at least fairly slender. Harry's eyes devoured the man's face. It was strangely familiar. The man had untamed brown hair that floated about his shoulders giving him a wild, leonine look while still remaining oddly soft. Harry lost himself into the bloke's soulful brown eyes.
"Yes, he is," Harry replied unable to look away from his savior's face. He licked his lips at the hunger he saw in the brown-haired man's eyes.
Draco sniffed. "Well, don't let me come between you. On second thought," he said with a wink, "any time you sexy beasts want I'll be right there between you." Harry and his savior gagged at the same time as Malfoy minced off towards some other unsuspecting victim.
"So, to whom do I owe at least five drinks for getting my arse away from that useless git?" Harry asked with a smile.
The man hesitated for a second. "I'm Orestes. I already know who you are."
Harry grinned. "It's funny, but I think I know you from somewhere."
Orestes smiled and rolled his eyes. Harry swore he recognized that eye-roll. "If I had a knut for every time that lines been used on me…"
"Did it work?" Harry asked flirtatiously. Well, he hoped it was flirtatiously, it wasn't as if he'd had a lot of practice.
Orestes grinned. "How about you and me go back to my place and find out how well it worked."
Harry stood with a smile. He offered his arm to the sexy gent. "Sounds like a plan."
o.O
HOT MAN ON MAN ACTION!
PENII FLYING AND CRISCO SPLATTERING ON THE WALL!
O.o
Harry cuddled up to his conquest(?) happily basking in the afterglow. He'd never guessed how fulfilling and calming this could be.
"I love you, Harry, more than you will ever know, for longer than you could ever suppose," Orestes whispered and then sighed inaudibly. Harry stiffened. Orestes turned to face him. "I'm sorry," he said gently cupping Harry's cheek in his hand, "I'm sorry."
Harry blinked in confusion. First the guy declares his strange creepy stalker (and yet oddly wonderful and comforting) love to him and then he apologized. "Err, not to be insensitive here, but why are you apologizing for loving me. Unless your some scary stalker who's been after my arse for years but wouldn't admit it. Even then you're pretty damn cute, unlike the ferret, so I can't say that bothers me too terribly much." Harry grinned hoping he lifted the mood a bit.
"You don't understand… you know me better than you think." Orestes wouldn't meet Harry's eyes.
"Well, I can't say that you aren't strangely familiar. I did say that, actually, which lead to us buggering each other quite firmly for quite some time! Bloody brilliantly too."
"Harry James Potter! Watch your language!" Orestes scolded.
Harry froze. It couldn't be… "Hermione?" Harry whispered.
Orestes whimpered. "Oh Harry I'm so sorry… I just couldn't live without you so I went ahead and drank the potion I'd kept around for years because I pretty much figured that you weren't interested in women and that's why I never asked you for any dates because I knew that you wouldn't be interested but I've always fancied you so I just had to find out how-"
"Orestes… Hermione… whatever… you're babbling. Stop." Harry said firmly. Orestes nodded. "So, um, where did you get the name from?"
"Orestes is Hermione's husband in the play my parents got my name out of," he answered.
"Oh. Brilliant as usual, I guess, or at least more brilliant than me." Harry replied.
Orestes blushed winsomely. "Books and cleverness and…"
"Love, I'm guessing?" Harry asked as he pulled Orestes into his embrace.
"Yeah."
"You knew even back then?" He asked.
Orestes shook his head. "No, I was shy."
Harry grinned. "Well, alright then. So when does the potion wear off?"
"It doesn't."
"Oh… OH! You mean?" Harry asked.
Orestes nodded.
"For the rest of your life?"
"Are you really that surprised after everything?" Orestes asked?
"No, I guess I'm not. Speaking of forever… is that your wand?"
Orestes chuckled. "What do you think Harry?"
Harry leered. "About the same as mine."
And so they filled the rest of their lives with HOT MAN ON MAN ACTION while not once abusing any small furry animals.
A\N: More proof that sailing the HMS Pumpkin Pie isn't a preference; it's a bloody mental illness.
No gerbils were harmed in the making of this fic.
By the way, no offense intended to fans of Draco\Harry, unless you ship Albus\Draco. In that case you are just sick. Sick I tell you, SICK.
::coughs::