(This is just a humor fic, to be updated whenever I get bored, and wanna brag about my pokemon. I love them. XD And Hiromi gets the first chapter all to himself! BTW, this chapter is Merope's POV, my Absol. Expect different POVs if I continue. Don't own this or Criminal Minds.
Oh, and ignore the 'Gayquaza' jokes. Don't think I mean them offensively, since I'm queer myself. But Gayquaza was too tempting to resist.)
Your rival was right. Jun what's-his-ass. That dude with the green scarf and the fucked-up hair.
There's no end to pokemon, you know.
Oh, sure, you shut the game off, go do something else for awhile, maybe go do your homework. (Ari, this needs to be you, right NOW.—Szeren, your ever-doting mother.)
But did you really think we floated around in the blackness of game-off-tasticalness, just waiting for you?
Psh. Fat chance. We have lives.
So, this story itself begins with Ari calling us out of our pokeballs. "Gotta go to school, guys." She apologizes. "See you in six hours, okay?" She pats her new Manaphy on the head.
"Bye, Pfiki." She phases out, fading to black. This is all rather new to Pfiki, and she bursts into tears. "Why doesn't she love me?!" The Sea Princess wails. Mikhail the Mightyena rolled his eyes.
"She has to go to school, stupid. In case you haven't noticed, she ditched us too. She does this a lot." Pfiki sniveled, but nodded. Mikhail puffed his chest out, growling proudly. "All hail my 1337 parenting skills." Hiromi the Rayquaza rolled his eyes.
Ari had saved by the sea in Sunyshore, and we sat in the sand, enjoying ourselves. Caetalus, her male Nidoran, however, broke the silence with one of the most awkward questions we'd ever heard. (And we'd heard Ari have to answer a question as to just what those pokemon of hers were doing at the Daycare...) (1)
"Hiromi, how come you're gay?" The Great Green Gay Dragon, aka, Gayquaza, aka the Sky King, AKA The Jolly Green Giant (2), raised his wide head.
"...Pardon?" He asked, almost unsure as to whether Caetalus just said that. The Nido continued. Flicking his shiny blue ears, he nodded, more to himself than anything else.
"Yeah. I thought Ari already tried to get two dudes to breed. Remember the whole Lucario thing?" (3) Hiromi snorted. Ari had attempted to turn her two Lucario, Lu-rio and Ocerus gay, since she was a Ditto-freedom activist, and did not have a female Lucario.
It didn't work.
Hiromi nodded. "True, but I can't breed anyway, gay or straight. Besides, people don't choose whether or not they're gay or what. They just are." Caetalus nodded.
"And," Scourge the Absol continued, flicking his crimson scythe, "Some are whores for both sexes. Like Ari." He snorted in laughter, along with everyone but Pfiki, who was too young to get it.
Probably a good thing.
I shook my head, and settled down to sleep, steadfastly ignoring them as hard as I could.
"Anyway, since you were named after a girl, that might have something to do with it." Brutus the Luxray piped up. The electric lion snorted in laughter at the look on the dragon's face.
"You're not serious. First RAY. Then THIS!" Hiromi roared.
Oh, Ari was a good kid, a lovely kid. Great trainer, accepting, and loving. But she was a little kid back then. And sometimes, she could be a bit thickheaded...
-Flashback, 3rd Person-
"Three whole days, but I made it!" The girl cheered, brown hair falling down in front of her eyes. The Absol by her side rolled her eyes in exasperation. They were at the top of Sky Pillar, ready for Rayquaza. After falling through the floors so much, suffering bruises and a few sprained ankles, they had made it.
"You do understand he's probably going to kill us." Merope the Absol remarked. The eight-year-old Champion shrugged. "And Steven offered to come with us. Didn't you want to go with Steven?" She offered in a last-ditch attempt to make her trainer sensible.
She shook her head, and laughed. "I can handle it. Besides, Steven's fatty Metagross would get in my way." She laughed again, picturing the giant fat steel beast falling through the Sky Pillar.
The weather stopped.
There was no sunlight, no rain. No clouds in the sky, no ocean below them.
Rayquaza, the Great Sky King had arrived.
He roared his challenge at the girl, who merely waved. "Hi, Ray!" The great dragon stopped. "Ray." He gaped. Ari wasted no time ordering a Ice Beam from Merope.
Three days of intense battle later, she prayed to Mew, and threw her last Ultra Ball.
It shook once, twice, three times...
And it dinged.
Ari cheered, and did a "Victory Dance!" around Sky Pillar. Her pokemon just stared, as she typed in the nickname RAY, and sent him to the PC.
Her pokemon stared in horror. "He's gonna curse us with a POX." Lin the Swellow gaped. "Our next seven generations are SO SCREWED." Merope hissed.
She hadn't gotten him in awhile. She hadn't fought with him for about a week. And he was BORED. But she came with delightful news. "We're going to Sinnoh. And I'm changing your name, RAY." He roared in ecstasy.
"PRAISE THE DASHBOARD JESUS!" He wailed. The now-thirteen Ari laughed. "Sorry about that, I know." Ari took him to the Name Rater, where she thought for a long, long time.
"Um... how about..." In an instant, a name came to her. "Hiromi!" She cheered. The Rayquaza was thrilled, as Ari saved, shut the game off, and took him to Sinnoh.
-End Flashback-
Mikhail shook his head in mirth. "RAY. Fucking RAY." Hiromi swiveled his head to glare at the Lone Wolf pokemon. "Ahem. SCOOBY."(4) Mikhail stared at him, before fainting dead away on the sand. Jay, his mate, sniggered. Adora and Nightfang giggled as well, laughing at their father's misery.
"In his defense," I piped up, "She did name him Mikhail when she turned eleven." This roused Mikhail, who in turn growled, "Yeah! You got a girl's name; I got named after some Russian dude involved in a WAR. And you got named RAY too, so shut up."
"Well..." Vita offered, in a rare moment of sobriety. "She was seven... or eight... or maybe nine, I don't remember... but still." Hiromi flicked his tail. "Your name was Vita! She was THREE!" Vita shrugged.
"Feh. I blame the Latin prayer book she got from her mother. Seriously, who the fuck gives their kid a Latin bible?! She could barely fucking read ENGLISH!" (5) The Mew roared.
Hiromi sighed. "Anyway, I don't think that's true. Brutus enjoys screwing with my head." Brutus rolled his eyes. He hated to break it to him... actually, no he didn't. Buggery Green Worm.
He padded over to Ari's Pack, the one she left in Sinnoh, filled with Berries for them to eat if she ever got grounded. He grabbed a comic in his teeth, and pushed it over to Hiromi.
"Shojo Explosion, No.1" Hiromi read. He flipped a few pages with his giant claws.
"Hiromi swooned into Reginald's arms. "Oh, Reggie," She purred. "At last, we are together! Your evil twin brother has been destroyed, and now we are free to marry! Shall it be a spring wedding?!" Reginald nodded. "Of course, my darling Hiromi. And you will look so ravishing in that green dress of yours..."
The Rayquaza had had enough. "I HATE THIS PLANET!" He roared in emo-agony, throwing the book out to sea. Sighing, Vita went to fetch it, knowing of Ari's secret pleasure for crappy shojo, especially that involving slash.
Jay rolled her eyes. "Cheer up, 'Ro. At least Kira's Rayquaza's gay, too. And, you know, your boyfriend. See, someone loves you, emo kid!" She tried to cheer up Hiromi, but was too busy being emo-licious.
Emo-licious tastes like strawberry ice-cream, but not for Hiromi. He even had his own little raincloud, straight from Kyogre. The rain was Sue-Tears.
They sat there and ignored him for a bit. Emo was no fun to laugh at, after awhile. "Hey, didn't mom say something about Criminal Minds being on tonight?" Mikhail said, knowing of Hiromi's fetish for the show. Namely, Spencer Reid. He could care less about the plot.
"W00T! DOCTOR SEXY!" (6) He cheered up. "It's a shame HE'S human..." The dragon shook his head. "Yet another of the world's mysteries." And with that, he gave one more fangirl squeal for Dr. Sexy, aka Spencer Reid.
Mikhail looked at Soren. "Do you ever think we should tell her about this stuff? You know, Kiddo?" Soren shrugged, and the Empoleon snorted before replying, "I have a bad feeling she already knows."
Now, since both Hiromi and Ari had an obsession with Criminal Minds, the gang was pretty sick of hearing about 'Dr.Sexy', and the other members of whatever the fuck the BAU was.
So Awkward Munchlax decided to change the subject the only way he knew how;
"Hey, does anyone want a Poffin?" Loa the Munchlax offered. He was the only one who dared eat Ari's 'Secret Recipe' that she CLAIMED to have stolen from Harley, but he could make good food, and those Secret fucking Poffins SUCKED.
She was a good cook, but only if she had a recipe, and didn't just throw in fifty Poffins when she thought no one was looking.
"No, you lummox. Let me sit here and enjoy myself, hah?" Pomega the Hippopotas growled at him. He sighed, and munched happily on the Poffins, both 'Secret' and otherwise.
"Do you think I'm fat?" Hiromi randomly asked. We all stared at him. "Dude." I said, gaping. "You're a RAYQUAZA. Does it MATTER?" He shrugged.
"I dunno, Merope. But I always felt like such a fatty. I mean, my Pokedex entry says that I'm like, a thousand pounds. That's a lot." I stared at him.
"Blonde." I grumbled. He roared something angry at me, and settled into the sand to sleep. And all was silent. My fur was warm and wonderful, and it was only another hour before Ari came back...
"Gayquaza." Caetalus sniggered. Hiromi looked up, and opened his mouth. The resulting Dragon Pulse sent Caetalus flying a good fifty feet across the beach.
"Gives me an idea." Soren remarked. "Bloom! Seraphia!" He yelled. The Shaymin looked wearily at him. He grinned. "Feel like some volleyball?"
A good ten minutes later, they had a grand old time playing volleyball with their new fuzzy green balls of flowers.
Which just goes to show you; when bored, we pokemon will resort to anything to keep themselves happy without their Dr. Sexy fix. Hiromi, we are looking at YOU. Ari, you addict enabler.
(Okay, notes! A lot of notes. I know. 1: Yeah... um... well, they obviously have SOMETHING going on. I mean, trust me on this. Should that little kid be watching? Thank you, YouTube videos... I never noticed that before...
2: Yeah, he is. His nature originally was Jolly. I don't know why, as he never acted like Santa... As most of my Legendaries, all but Ichigo and Jet. I dunno WHY they were all Jolly-Natured. Maybe from getting drunk? –looks at Vita—
3: I did try this. I thought my Lucario might be gay, but NOOO, straight as an arrow... goddamnit. Hiromi's gay, but can't breed. It SUCKS.
4: I was a little kid! I had an obsession with Scooby-Doo, (the vintage stuff, from the 90's), and he reminded me of a Great Dane. But then I got to thinking it didn't suit the arrogant bastard. XD That Russian man, Mikhail Something-or-other from the Cold War, I heard his name and thought it was pretty.
5: She did get me one. –rolls eyes— And Vita did come from the book. It's Latin for 'Life', which I guess is appropriate. For all I knew, it could've meant 'Shit', but I just liked the way it sounded.
6: -laughs- You know that dude from Grey's Anatomy, which I hate, but still? Dr. McDreamy, according to the crappy entertainment magazines? Yeah, I decided Spencer Reid needed a name like that. Therefore, Dr. Sexy, since everything else catchy was taken. –laughs-)