Possible spoilers from Season One to Four and definately for "Quarantine"

Kudos to the writers, producers and actors of SGA. I am but a lowly bug feeding on your greatness and am therefore easily squashed. I mean no harm - pity me, that I have to play with your toys and have none of my own.

Summary: Dealing with the aftermath of Quarantine. McKay has to come to terms with losing Katie, someone he thought he loved. But can someone turn their back on their true nature and become something that he believes others want.

Love of the Unlovable?

Rodney McKay walked into his quarters, the doors quietly sliding shut behind him. He sat heavily on the bed, his hand digging into his pocket and pulling out the ring box; he flipped the lid and looked at the ring held within. With a heavy sigh, he closed the lid and placed the box on the edge of his desk, leaning his elbows on his knees he hid his face in his hands.

He dropped his hands from his face, coming to a decision. He moved to his desk and powered up his laptop, quickly gaining entrance to the email program, and then he paused. He logged out of the system and lowered the lid of the laptop, pushing it to one side. He snagged a handful of paper from his printer, and then rummaged around his desk drawers for a pen.

Dear Jeanie

How are you?

I'm not so good. That's why I'm writing you this letter instead of sending you an email; I just can't deal with a reply just yet. Guess I still need time to wallow in my self-pity. (No change there then)

Yes, you guessed it; I have completely screwed things up again. No, I haven't blown anything up, I've just managed to make a dog's breakfast of my life - again.

I eventually got the nerve up to ask Katie Brown to marry me, don't get your hopes up, I didn't actually ask the question.

Atlantis went into an automatic quarantine lockdown, I got trapped in the Botany lab with Katie, no radio, no laptop, nothing. I couldn't do anything; nothing major runs through or behind the lab, so I couldn't rip a panel out, even if I had the right tools.

So, I did what I always do when my brain isn't required - I despaired. I even imagined I was getting sick, honestly, chills, fever, throat starting to close. All in front of Katie. What a loser. (Me that is, not Katie).

Turns out the lockdown was prompted by solar activity, nothing to do with some rampant disease.

I lost her Jeanie, all thanks to my negativity, my inadequacies, my stupidly. I went to see her after I fixed the system; I apologized, asked for a rain check on our interrupted lunch. She was sweet about it, like she always is, but she ended it.

I loved her Jeanie, truly and honestly I loved her - still love her. But it wasn't enough, was it? She was, is, this warm, sweet caring soul, who noticed me, me! I thought she had seen every side of me, and she still cared for me. But I was wrong - wasn't I? Perhaps I held my true self back when I was with her, perhaps her kind and gentle nature brought something good out of me and I was different when I was with her. God, she must have been so disappointed when she finally saw the real me.

Why aren't I more like you Jeanie? We had the same parents, the same up bringing. Why am I this dreadful human being? I'm petty, vindictive, jealous, arrogant, and egotistical. You aren't. Why did you get all the goodness?

When "Rod" made an appearance and everyone preferred him to me, even you, it cut me to my soul. I was consumed by jealously, Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon, you, you all saw a version of me that was still a genius, but tempered by humanity. Where did I go wrong Jeanie? Why did I become such a jackass?

I thought that experience had started to change me, and when I had that accident with the Ancient device and started to evolve, but ended up nearly dying, I thought I had learnt something from that too. That I had become a better person, that I understood what I was like and what I needed to do to change.

But I haven't changed - I'm still the despairing coward.

Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon, have all tried to teach me combat and survival skills, they are constantly trying to get me in the gym, but I always managed to avoid it.

Every time we step through the gate, I endanger them. Why have I only just realized that?

I whine, I moan, I bitch about everything when we're off world - I see the looks on their faces. The frustration and annoyance with my constant whining - it never bothered me before, because my intelligence helped get them out of practically every situation we found ourselves in. They needed me, so they had to put up with me, regardless of the fact that I no idea how to defend myself, to back them up.

But over the years, I felt they came to know me. Particularly Sheppard and Teyla, they both seem to have a way of looking beyond the obvious. They seemed to see something in me that I couldn't. That I was worthy of their time and effort in making friends.

I thought we were friends, that we were close-knit. But I've started to doubt myself. Nothing seems clear anymore Jeanie. I thought Katie loved me, that even though I made a complete ass of myself, I thought that we could move on, rebuild our relationship. But she let me go; I behaved so badly that she couldn't give our relationship another chance.

I fear I've misread Sheppard and Teyla and even Ronon. That what we have isn't friendship. I don't know what to think anymore. I have never had friends before, not true friends. God, I miss Carson. Oh my god, Carson. What a friend I was to him. I, god, I killed him. A true friend would have gone fishing with him, as promised. But no, I wiggled my way out of it. And he died, because I was such a lousy friend. If I kept my promise, he would never have been in danger, he would never have died.

I should have learnt when I was sent to Siberia. They hated my guts, but they needed me, my brain. They pampered, flattered, and stroked my ego and I gave them exactly what they wanted, but they didn't realize that I learnt the language. They always spoke freely in Russian, assuming I couldn't understand it and what they had to say - hurt, I thought I was friendly with one or two of the other scientists, but they were my biggest scorners. So instead of taking heed of what they said, I hid behind more hostility and arrogance.

How do you do it Jeanie? How do you know when people are honest with you? I never had the opportunity to learn, I never had friends my own age, never. I skipped through grades like a stone skipping over water. I mean, I graduated high school at fourteen; I had my first degree by eighteen. I know how the universe works, but I can't tell a friend from a foe. How did you turn out be such a wonderful person?

I don't want to be like this anymore. Surely, I'm not a total loss, there's some part of me that's redeemable. People change all the time - don't they? I'm an intelligent person, I can figure it out.

I just want someone to love me Jeanie. Truly and utterly love me. I want to have someone to love, someone to cherish, to make them smile, to hug them, to walk along holding hands. To go out for meals with our friends, to laugh and enjoy the night together.

To be honest Jeanie, I just want someone to like me; maybe love is taking it too far.

I would so love to have just a little of what you have Jeanie. Just a little.

"Zelenka to McKay"

The sudden voice in his ear startled him.

"Zelenka to McKay, come in please"

He put down the pen and tapped his earpiece.

"McKay," he answered

"Rodney, "he heard Zelenka sigh, "I need your help, I cannot re-initialize quarantine back-up files."

Rodney felt the familiar surge of smugness run through him. He quashed it, hard and fast. No, no more. He was a genius he was capable of learning. He could learn the necessary social skills to make friends, to be likeable, to be more then just the brain.

"Not a problem Radek," he replied. "Where are you?"

"I am in Lab 3," Zelenka replied, his voice sounding slightly startled.

"Be there in ten."

Rodney looked down at the letter, he knew he wouldn't send it to Jeanie, it revealed too much of his inner turmoil. It was just something he needed to do, something to help understand the emptiness he felt over losing Katie, something to help guide him in the right direction.

He stood and walked to his quarters door, time to start being likeable, so that one day he might even be loveable.