The Call

Part Five: Let's just say I'm a work in progress

She remembers the dream like it happened yesterday. It wasn't a new dream, but one that seemed to come to her sporadically as the years progressed and she grew older. It wasn't unique to her subconscious mind, she knew. It was shared by most, if not all women that fancied having it all. Playing the images over in her mind now, she recalls how it once was a bit of a blur. Until the last time - a year ago to be exact - it had been her, walking through the park, a little girl bouncing along the concrete path between her and what had once been a faceless man…clutching onto their hands and smiling up at the sky. The little girl belonged to her, she knew, because she had the same hair, the same eyes. And she belonged to the man, she knew, because of that adorable little dimple that graced her cheek.

The night that Patrick told her he loved her, she dreamt of him this way. In hearing his sweet words of devotion, he had unwittingly removed the last of her resolve to keep him at a distance. And in doing so, she had opened her heart to him as she had yet to do before. And not just to him, but to anyone before him as well. He'd had her heart for a long time, but not as freely as she had given it to him since that moment. Her walls were still in place, but with every minute spent in the safety of his arms, she let them down more and more. Together, the love they had for each other had given her the complete picture to her ultimate fantasy.

Alas, life just wasn't that easy. It never had been. So why should it have come as such a surprise to her when she found out just how serious he was about never wanting to have children? But it had. It shook her to her very core, even though she tried her damnedest to act like it was no big deal in the beginning.. But she wanted to believe that he could change, like he had before about love and commitment. She wanted to believe that he loved her enough to take that risk, even if it was the biggest one of his life. But she had been wrong. And now, here they were. Her heart was like broken glass, scattered in shards deep down inside of her…and still, each tiny fragment still belonged to him. He held the key to her happiness, her future. That's why she couldn't let him go.

She wanted to believe what he was saying to her now, but it just felt too unreal. Too perfect. And they were anything but perfect. They weren't some couple out of a weepy black and white film. No happily ever after through a heart shaped window. Their reality was far less romantic. They both had far too much baggage on their backs for that. That's what the practical side of her chanted over and over again, anyway. But the other part…the part that was connected to her heart…it said that even the unthinkable could be true this time. That's what love did. But love was a guessing game. Chance. A deal that you can make that can cost you everything. She knew that better than anyone.

There was a time when she would have gotten angry with him for saying such things. For failing to give her what she wanted, then turning around and trying to give it to her when she had given up on him ever doing so. But she was too tired for that now. Not physically tired, but emotionally. She didn't like how her heart leapt and rattled against her chest when he made such moves. She didn't like the control he had over her, but she was powerless to stop it. And in some twisted place inside of herself, she knew she didn't want it to. She figured she had the same affect on him. It was very basic….animalistic, yet….beautiful; their connection was as raw as it was poetic. Like a love ballad crooned by a sexy rock 'n roll star.

"Robin? Robin, are you still there?"

Patrick's voice is like a caress, but it jolts her back to reality as if she's been stung. "Yes," she whispers, sitting back down on her couch. "I'm still here."

"I didn't mean to upset you, I just….wanted to be honest with you."

"I don't think you are being honest, Patrick," she accuses, a bit more harshly than intended. "I think that you miss me, and you love me, and you would say or do anything right now to fix this."

"You know what? One of these days you're going to stop telling me how I 'really feel' and I'm not going to know what to do with myself! Maybe you should just do all the talking, and I can just listen intently. At least I wouldn't be called a liar!"

Robin is momentarily stunned by the combination of hurt and outrage in his voice, but recovers quickly with the same tone in hers. "I didn't call you a liar, Patrick! I think you do believe the things that you are saying. I DO! But how am I supposed to believe this sudden change of heart when you practically spray painted 'I, Patrick Drake, do not want to be a father' all over the damn city!? You wanted EVERYONE to know it, including me! Well, guess what? I got the message! LOUD AND CLEAR!!"

"I fucked up, Robin! I know I did. I know I made you feel like you weren't important. Like being some famous surgeon meant more to me than you. But it wasn't like that! It still isn't! That night at the Metro Court, I would have chopped off my damned hand and given it to Craig or anyone else that would have let me get to you, save you! I STILL would! You're IT, Robin! Don't you get it? No matter what I've said, no matter what I've done, all you have to do is look into my eyes and see the truth. You always could. I know you could. You just didn't want to see it. But it IS the truth! You're all I want. You're all I need!"

"And that's our problem, Patrick! You resent me for wanting more than just you. I'm enough for you, but you're not enough for me. Or at least that's what you think when I say that I want a baby, even if it means giving you up to get one. Even if it hurts more than anything I could have ever imagined in my whole life. Having a baby means everything to me. Everything!"

"No, Robin. If that was true, you would have gone out and found your donor by now. You would be pregnant and I'd be a long forgotten mistake. But you love me. And you don't want a baby. You want a family. With ME! Say it. Say it, Robin. I know it's what you want, so, why can't you just let me give it to you?"

Rolling her head back to rest against the top of the cushion, she sighs, deeply, as if she's been holding it in for hours. "Because you don't want it. And I don't want to be the reason you wake up in ten years and resent me even more than you already do for living out my dream, just because you love me."

"I don't resent you, Robin. I could never resent you. How could I? You've given me so much. I can't even tell you what you've given me since the first second I laid eyes on you. You never gave up on me, so, please…don't give up on me now."

"We gave up on each other, Patrick. The day I walked out, we both said the words, and I just did the moving. Hell, we gave up long before that. We were just too afraid to admit it. We both care about winning too much. Neither one of us want to admit defeat even when it's pouring down rain and sirens are going off all around us. We're too stubborn for our own good."

"Not tonight," he responds, softly.

"No, not tonight. But what happens in the morning?"

"We can't go back, Robin. Not after this. We've said too much. Too much is out there now. We've admitted our mistakes and now we can move on. We can be together."

Robin slaps her hand to her forehead, feeling as though it's a brick wall. "Patrick, you're not listening to me! How can we be together when we still want different things?"

"No, you're not listening to ME! I'm telling you that that's not true anymore, Robin! I want what you want!"

Groaning, she pounds her fist into a nearby throw pillow. "Patriiiiiick!"

"Look, can we just pretend for a second here that I didn't go to Vegas? That I didn't act like a royal ass and get on a plane with Pete and go to a bunch of strip clubs - even if I didn't enjoy one damned minute of it? Can we forget that for some reason, you seem to think that I'm going to go back to the way I was when we first met? I'm asking you to trust me, Robin. I'm asking you to go out on a limb and forgive me. To let go of all of that stuff with Jason and Carly and be with me. REALLY be with me. In all the ways you were and weren't before we broke all of our rules and gave up?"

"That's easier said than done, Patrick."

"I know it is. But it's not impossible right? I mean, I've been a coward and I've tried to keep you at a distance, even if that distance lessened over time….and I'm still afraid. But I'm willing to take that leap of faith with you, Robin. I'm willing to live with you, and love you and make babies with you and build a home with you….start our life for the first time…even if it does mean crashing and burning someday. I know I let my stupid fear come between us, and I'm sorry -"

"It's not stupid, Patrick. It's a very valid fear. I told you before that it was. We both have been through a lot. It's not your fault that it's made you cautious."

"Robin, there's being cautious and there's being irrational. I mean, how stupid could I be? I saw my parents, and I envied them. I wanted to have what they had. I'd forgotten how much. And you know why? Because I watched my father fall apart, and I took the easy way out. No commitments, no strings, no problem. Until you. You made me start wanting all the things I'd buried all those years ago. And the more I realized that, the more scared I got."

"And you realized all of this just now? Tonight?"

"No," Patrick admits. "I've had a lot of time to think. And since you've been avoiding me, I've been keeping a lot of things to myself. Feelings. Talking to you tonight has just brought it all to the surface. And yeah….maybe I didn't realize all of this until this moment, but let's just say I'm a work in progress."

Robin laughs, biting down on her lip, the scratchy fringe of the pillow rubbing against her fingers as she toys with it absentmindedly. "That makes two of us, then."

"See that? We're perfect for each other."

He was teasing, but at the same time he wasn't. His words had a double meaning, and again her heart betrays her as it thumps relentlessly against her chest. "I want to trust you, Patrick. Believe in you. I always did."

"So did I. And I'm sorry that I never fully could. I'm sorry I wasted so much time trying to prove that I didn't need you as much as I did….as much as I do. I tried to make up for it when we were together, after we said I love you, but…all I did was screw that up, too."

"It wasn't all bad between us, Patrick. We had good times, too. You made me very happy."

"I was only happy when I was with you. Maybe before my mother died, but…I didn't know the true meaning of the word until you let me into your life."

Laughing, she teases him. "You mean when I barged into it and you wouldn't leave me alone?"

"Yeah," he chuckles, fondly.

"I'm glad you didn't."

"Really? Even now?"

"Even now. Being loved by you….it's a joy I never expected…and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm very proud and very blessed to be in your heart, Patrick. It's so beautiful…your heart….it's just so good."

"Not as good as yours. Not as forgiving…as full of incredible gifts. To be in it…even if it was just for a little while…that's the greatest honor of my life."

She was extremely touched by his sentiment, and felt a little breathless at his words of adoration. "You're still in it, Patrick. You never left. You never will."

"So, how bout it then?"

"Patrick, I just don't -"

"Don't say no again, Robin. Please, baby. Just think about this. What are we doing here? We can't even talk to anyone but each other. What are we supposed to do? Live the rest of our lives like this? You know what that would make us, Robin? Selfish. Selfish to those people that are out there, that love each other and really can't be together. But we can. We can do this. One day at a time, we can."

Long moments pass as she sits there, silent. He says nothing. He doesn't prod. He doesn't beg. He doesn't demand an answer. He knows that she needs time, and he's giving it to her. Or so she assumes. He had yet to hang up the phone. Somewhere in the passing hours, the lights had come back on, and she keeps the phone to her ear as she blows out the candles, her nervous energy sending her into overdrive. She can't stop moving, and she can't sit still. And then suddenly, she starts talking again.

"I'm wearing your shirt. The one I wore the first night you spent the night at my apartment."

"You mean the night of seven times?"

"That's the one," she affirms, blushing at the memories of her and Patrick on her couch, the floor beside her couch, the kitchen counter, against her bedroom door, in the shower and finally, in her bed. Twice. They had been out of control, and she had never felt more satisfied in her entire life. After six months of desiring, yet not having one another - it was bound to happen. The time at the cabin had been wonderful, sweet and romantic. But that night, at her place…they held nothing back. All the nervous energy was gone. It was just them, and it was amazing.

"You were incredible…."

"So were you," she tells him, tracing his picture that accented her mantel, amongst several others of family and friends. She'd taken it when they went to the stock car races together. He was smiling like a little boy, relaxed and content in familiar territory. Like he belonged there.. That day, being with him, the feeling was mutual.

"It's black, right?"

"What?" Robin asks, distractedly, still gazing at the picture, caught up in the memory.

"My shirt? The one you're wearing?"

"Oh! Yeah," she shakes her head in disbelief. "How did you know that?"

"I remember a lot of things…most when it comes to you. And that night…that night's going to be etched in my brain when I'm old and gray, Dr. Scorpio."

Instead of laughing, she merely smiles, then recalls the reason why she brought up the shirt to begin with. Tracing the edge of the wearing material with her free hand, she remarks, "It's starting to unravel a little. The thread's coming loose on the edge of it. I wear it all the time…"

"You do?"

"Yeah, I only have a couple of your shirts here, and….I still can't bring myself to sleep in anything else anymore. It's like a security blanket or something. Silly, I know, but…I felt safe with you. Safer than I've felt in all my life….and I guess….wearing your clothes make me feel closer to you somehow. Like you're with me, even though you're really not."

"I'm always with you," he whispers, reassuringly.

"I feel like you are sometimes…but it's not the same as the real thing. I miss you holding me when I sleep…waking up to your kisses…I even miss your snore," she quips.

"Don't you mean your snoring, sweetheart? I don't snore!"

"Oh, that's what they all say," she rolls her eyes, feeling herself falling more and more in love with him, just by engaging in simple conversation. She missed it. God, she missed him!

"Look, Robin…if you need to think about this, it's okay. But I just want you to know that I'm not going to give up on this. I'm not going to back down and sink away and pretend like I'm okay with you moving on without me. The only way I could ever do that, is if you tell me that you would be happier if I left you alone. If that's the truth…I'll do it. For you, I'll do it."

"That's the craziest part about all of this. I don't want you to stop. I want you to say all of these things, even if they do scare me. Even if they do make me look at myself and ask the same questions you've been asking yourself and me all night. I just know that I love you, and all I have ever wanted is to find a way to make this work. But with the baby -"

"We can have a baby, Robin. Someday, we can. But can you honestly tell me right now that you're ready for it? That I am? That we are? Right here, right now, today? A baby makes three?"

She could just scream, 'yes' without thinking, but she doesn't. Instead, she considers the questions he's putting forth for her to answer. Questions that could make or break them. Seal their fate once and for all. In the end, the answer isn't so simple. "No."

"No, we're not. Someday, I think we can be. We will be. But I think that we need to work on this….on us first. Take that vacation we always wanted to, but never actually got to go on. Get to know each other again, like we are now. Live together and grow together, without holding back so much."

"Communicating?"

"That, too. All of it. One day at a time. And when we're ready, we can take those bigger steps. Together."

"You mean you actually want to try being on the same page? Walking the same pace?"

"It'll be new for us, but…at least it'll be us, right? And I want to go so many places with you, Robin. We are so not finished here. Not even close."

They weren't. She knew it as well as he did. What were they doing? Pining for each other from a short distance without even bothering to try to fix it? That wasn't them at all. They were fighters. And they always fought for each other. When had that stopped? Why?

"One day at a time?"

Met with silence, Robin furrows her eyebrows and speaks into the phone, bewildered. "Patrick?"

Checking the screen on her cell phone, she sees the dropped call message and hisses, jumping to her feet, pacing once again and she tries to call him back. Nothing. She curses aloud, stomping her foot and shaking her phone in frustration. "You have GOT to be kidding me! How could this happen?!"

The knock on the door only becomes a further irritation, as she only has one thing on her mind: Patrick. She doesn't consider the time, the lateness of the hour. She goes over to the land line to try it out, but before she can make it, the knocking becomes more persistent. "I'm coming!" she shouts, marching over to the door, and swinging it open, ready to give whoever it was a piece of her mind. "What do you -"

There he stood. Dripping wet, a glint of laughter in his eyes, and a nervous smile upon his lips - there he was., when all she wanted was to see him. Neither one speaks, nor moves at first. But then, just as he opens his mouth to explain himself, she makes her decision. In a movement that is familiar to them in the best, most special kind of way, she leaps forward, wrapping her arms around his neck, and her legs around his waist. It's not awkward or strange, even though it probably should be. But the only thing that either one of them feels is complete and utter relief, love and bliss as their mouths find their way back home, fusing together hungrily,. For the first time that night, words aren't needed at all.

To be continued….