a/n: In my original outline of This Awesomeness, the kitchen scene was supposed to happen in Chapter 2. Talk about wacky!

"This Awesomeness"

Chapter 10: This Torment

Link gaped in horror at the ancient witches on either side of him.

"You want me to do what?" he cried.

Koume hissed and clamped her shriveled hands over her ears. "Jeez!" she muttered. "For a kid who's never talked, he sure has a loud mouth!"

"Tell me about it," Ganondorf agreed with a knowing sigh. "My poor ears haven't had a break since our battle in the tower!"

The Gerudo king "eeped" as Kotake flicked his head with an icy fingernail.

"Quiet, you!" the ice witch growled. "You're still in trouble for that phantom stunt you pulled in the basement!"

The four of them had left the tower shortly after the hags' suggestion for punishment had been approved by Princess Zelda. Ganondorf had been dragged away kicking; for every kiss Zelda blew him, he sent back a curse. Link had been dragged away in confusion; he wasn't even sure what a kitchen was.

The trip had been a long one, full of twists and turns and ups and downs, but they had made it to their destination with happy hags. Link had been devastated upon seeing the cavernous, metal and smoke-filled room known as "kitchen," where they called obvious torture devices "pots and pans" and a large box with searing flames inside an "oven." However, what had made Link even more anxious was being led to a long sink on the left wall, where he was currently standing.

The Hero ignored Ganondorf as he stared at the task set before him. Next to the sink full of steamy water were huge stacks of dirty, porcelain dishes. Link almost reset just thinking about what they were going to force him to do.

"S-So you're saying ..." he stuttered, whirling back to the witches, "t-that you want me to ... to ...!" Link stopped, trying to remember what they had said.

"Wash the dishes?" Ganondorf suggested, cocking an eyebrow.

Link stomped in agreement. "Yes, that!"

Koume swooped closer and narrowed her eyes. "So what if we do?" she growled, clicking her nails along her broomstick. "What? Never washed dishes before?"

Ganondorf chuckled deeply. "I seriously doubt he has," he commented, shaking his head. "The poor boy's been bottle-fed almost his entire life."

Link gasped in shock and took a step back. "How do you know about that?" he cried.

Ganondorf bared his teeth. "I've been stalking you."

"Settle down!" Kotake screeched as Link began reaching for the blue potion.

Koume hovered over towards Ganondorf. Perched on her flaming broom, she began counting the sweat drops that appeared on his forehead. One ... Two ... Thirteen ...

"Since your little partner in crime here doesn't know how to wash dishes ..." Koume began, smiling at the way she made her son squirm ...

"... then you're going to teach him how," Kotake finished.

Ganondorf's amber eyes widened. He swiftly looked at Link, who was wearing a smug grin on his lips.

"Tah-tah, dearies!" Koume cackled as she flew towards the door. However, Kotake quickly caught up to her and grabbed her sleeve.

"Wait!" she exclaimed. "Aren't we forgetting something?"'

The Hero and the King exchanged a look.

The ice witch hovered back over and took her broomstick in her scrawny hands. The "brush" part began to glow as she drew her power towards the base.

"When you work in a kitchen, you have to dress... appropriately," Kotake said, eying her captives as they edged backwards. She pointed her now blinking broomstick towards them and smirked. "Hold still, sonnies!"

Ganondorf's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. He shoved his manacled hands against Link's back, yelling for him to move, but it was too late.

Icy magic slammed into them and shoved them up against the sink. Cold washed up their noses, their mouths, their tear ducts and tunics. They were pinned there for several moments, frozen. Their mouths gaped open in silent screams.

Then suddenly the ice melted, and they collapsed on the floor.

Link weakly sat up and coughed. Cold water dripped down his back and through his blonde bangs. He couldn't seem to see. Link rubbed at his eyes and moaned, calling to Ganondorf.

"Ugh . . . what just happened?"

He heard Ganondorf half cough half groan in response as he apparently found the answer.

"I'd keep my eyes shut, if I were you . . ." he warned just as Link's eyes opened.

The Hylian was about to respond when he spotted Ganondorf. Link froze. He tried to move his mouth, but the words just wouldn't come.

Kotake steamed in satisfaction. "Aren't you two the cutest?"

The two warriors were wearing aprons. White aprons. Their wrist bonds had turned to metal, but Link almost sighed in relief, having expected to have been transformed into a frog or something.

"Well, this isn't so bad," he muttered to Ganondorf.

"Speak for yourself!" the King of Evil grumbled back. That was when Link noticed he had his arms crossed over his broad chest.

Link's brow furrowed. "What's wrong?"

Ganondorf hesitated. He started mumbling something about "blackmail" and "the inability to be trusted," but soon he reluctantly uncrossed his arms. Water dripped off his nose as he showed Link the front of his apron.

Link promptly burst out laughing. The King of Evil growled and tried to cover his apron again, but it was too late.

"'Kiss the Cook!'" Link howled, tears of mirth in his blue eyes. "Now where have I heard that before?"

"Shut up!" Ganondorf snarled. "Don't you realize how humiliating this is?"

His words fell on pitiless pointy ears. The Hero was set off into another fit of giggles, and he was about to reply when red light suddenly filled the room.

The captives carefully looked up.

"I don't like white," Koume said.

Pain.

A feeling akin to vaporization.

A scorching sensation.

"Duuhhaaahhh!" Link gasped, turning his shriveled, de-moisturized eyes towards Ganondorf's. They squinted at each other as they came back to painful reality on the floor. The extreme dry-mouth reminded Link of his quiet childhood, bringing back a particular nostalgic memory in Hyrule Castle Garden...

-Flashback-

A shrill whistle pierced the air.

"Hey you! Stop! You, kid, over there!"

Young Link held his little arms in the air as soldiers surrounded him at spear point. He took a deep breath and began to successfully plead his innocence.

"Pa fra pinprinfess sa sfa Zehld Degu-dek-dek-dek-deka-EEYAH!"

-End Flashback-

Link sighed and shook his hot manly head. Such was his traumatizing childhood.

Ganondorf shifted beside him. "Your nose is on fire," he rumbled helpfully.

"Thanks... It'll... go out in a minute." Link glanced at the King of Evil. "So is yours."

The two winced in a rare moment of companionable silence as their health meters beeped down. Their hair stood on end. They felt as if all moisture had just been sucked out of their bodies. Steam was seeping out of their fingertips, and they were holding up their index fingers and examining the little wispies when -

"Oh my muscular physique!" they screamed simultaneously, squinting at the flaming boots on the ends of their legs.

"My AWESOMENESS!"

"My Babies are BURNING!"

Kotake silenced their screams with another blast of ice, turning their red aprons white and covering them with snow. Then she turned on her sister.

"Hey! What's the big deal, Koume? I thought white was a neutral color!"

"That's exactly the big deal -it's too bland for my tastes. Red is much more fiery!"

"It's not fair!" Kotake screeched. "You always get your way! I want the aprons white!"

"Well, I want them RED!" Koume shrieked back, sending another blast of scarlet magic at Ganondorf and Link, who had already gone limp, resigned to dieing slowly and painfully.

"I want them WHITE!" Kotake screamed, her frosty steamy magic shooting towards the victims.

"RED!"

Blast!

"WHITE!"

Blast!

"RED, RED, RED!"

Blast!

"WHITE, WHITE, WHITE!"

The two hags growled and crossed broomsticks with a loud click.

A pathetic little voice spoke up from the crumpled forms on the floor. Link gave them a weak searching smile. "Um... H-How about... green?"

"SHUT UP, PRETTY BOY!" they screeched at the same time, pointing their broomsticks at his face.

"WHITE!"

"RED!"

The explosion was epic. Pots and pans staggered off the walls and counters. The dishes in the sink exploded into shards and projectile weapons, dissipating into nothing upon impact. The oven fire roared like Volvagia. One half of the kitchen smoldered, while the other half glistened under a layer of sharp, cold ice.

Link and Ganondorf, of course, could see nothing of this, being in the heart of the blast. Link had enough sense to equip his red tunic and the Hylian Shield before impact, earning a strained, "What the -?" from Ganondorf as he changed colors and held the plate of metal in front of them.

But it had not saved them.

The two witches stared. Oblivious to the mess around them, they beheld what they had created. And then their thin lips stretched into smiles.

"Oh... Oh, yes..."

"'Kiss the Cook?' I think we will then, Kotake."

Link and Ganondorf lay paralyzed as the pair of shriveled lips descended upon their foreheads. The witches' kissers retreated with a loud sucking noise. If the two warriors had the sense to remember that fainting might preserve their sanity, they could have passed out on the spot instead of sitting there crossed-eyed on the brink of nausea.

"Don't dey wook so pwecious, Kotake?"

"I tink dey wook absolutely adorable, especially the wittle blonde one there. The sight of him almost makes me forget he tried to kill us once."

The ice hag hopped back on her broomstick and hovered over the counter. The previously cluttered surface was now free of dirty dishes. She cocked her head in a bird-like fashion.

"What can we do now that their chore isn't possible? Should I make more dirty dishes, sister?"

"Nah, that'd mean we'd have to stick around and baby-sit," Koume scoffed, flying up to the ceiling. "We're too young to be wasting time like that. Why'd you think we sent Ganny off to mess around with Hyrule seven years ago?"

"Ohhhh, yeah! I remember," Kotake cackled. She swooped down and dragged the boys to their feet. "Now, no wandering off while we're gone, you hear? Or our sweet diabolical princess just might find you."

"Whoo-HOO! I'm off to a hot date with a light sage!" Koume screeched, launching into a fiery back-flip.

"WHAAA -?" Kotake froze and dumped the two warriors back on the floor.

"Since when?" she squawked. "Did he ask you? Does he know?"

"Does it matter if Rauru knows?" Koume asked mischievously, flying towards the door.

"Oh, we are so going on a double date!" Kotake wailed, torpedoing after her. The kitchen door slammed behind them with a resounding crack.

Link and Ganondorf lay slumped against the counter several moments after their captors left, staring with mixed emotions at the kitchen door. Slowly, Link began to shudder uncontrollably.

"Don't think about it..." Ganondorf warned in a horror-filled tone, as if he had just discovered his mother kissing Santa Clause ... which he kind of had. "Just don't think about -"

At that moment, for some inconceivable reason, Link turned to Ganondorf as if expecting to find some comfort there. And then they looked at each other. Really looked at each other.

Both of them tried to leap back but hit their heads on the counter, biting off in mid-scream:

"WHAT the -?"